Thursday, August 14, 2003

So apparently, my "Objectification of Young Girls" Pageant is already coming under fire and is facing criticism. The criticism is coming from a common problem I face, and that is being misunderstood. So, in a effort to help smooth things out, I will offer up a second pageant. The "Objectification" pageant is still on, by all means, but we're adding another one to the already troubled lineup in my never-ending attempts to please everyone.

First off, this pageant will be referred to as something along the lines of the "Girls who I would not only sleep with but might also enjoy talking to" Pageant.

Entry into this pageant will most likely be judged by the same panel as the "Objectification" pageant, but with stricter entry guidelines. First, I'm going to want to see a resume, because I don't want anyone who's lazy or uneducated. Of course, we're not biasing against girls too young to have gone to college yet, but I'd like to see some sort of evidence that these girls have some intentions of educating themselves, which may require some sort of interview. Also, although I'm not a big fan of standardized tests, scores from them may be used to cull some low hanging fruit. We'll also do some testing of our own - math, science, history, literature (all appropriate for the individual's age) - to determine qualified entrants.

Successful entrants will also have to be pretty and under 5'5".

Finally, once we've narrowed the field, on with the show! Again, because it's automatic, we'll get the swimsuit competition out of the way. Next will be the academic portion of our show. This time, more in-depth tests on the subjects covered in the prelims. We may do it quiz-show style to keep things fun and interesting. There may also be a spelling bee involved; bad spellers piss me off. After the testing, we'll move into the schoolgirl outfit competition. Like it or not, this competition is going to be in there. Afterwards, the athletic competition, which will most likely just involve a lot of running around and jumping in place in tight t-shirts and short shorts. I might make trampolines available, even though that's been fucking played out thanks to The Man Show. Once the athletics are out of the way and the girls have had a chance to shower and change, we'll break for lunch. Lunch, of course, will be extended for some shopping. This time, in addition to the clothes shopping, we'll be hitting some home improvement stores (Pottery Barn, Home Depot, etc.) so that they can be judged on their design and decorating skills.

After lunch, a second schoolgirl outfit competition. The girls will be required to wear a different outfit from the morning's competition; we wouldn't want things to get redundant here. Switching gears back to something more cerebral will be a round-table socio-political discussion and debate. Several topics will be suggested, involving international affairs, domestic affairs, and religion, but the girls are free to explore anything that comes up. As a follow-on to the debate, we will have either a discussion or a quiz section on popular culture and media.

Finally, we will conclude the pageant with a cosplay competition. At least one girl is required to wear a huge-ass bow, otherwise I'm just going to get more shit about this pageant.

The losers get to go home, and should be thankful they made the cut to be in this damn pageant in the first place. The winner has to marry me, because what's the point of going through all this and finding someone cool if I don't put all that data to good use? If you'd prefer to think of it as a "everybody wins except one poor soul" that's fine by me. The winner/single loser will be treated to a steak dinner, and 80 years of going out shopping for toys and anime, playing video games, surfing the net, watching DVDs, and doing math problems.

There, 'ya happy now? Think about it - how many entrants do you think we're gonna get for this one? Probably none. I could relax some things, even keep the grand "prize" a secret, but we're still not gonna have much luck. You see, with the original pageant, we probably wouldn't get this massive flood, but then again, there's not really an intelligence requirement, so I'll bet we could fool lots of girls into thinking it's somewhat legit. Also, mass market appeal was the idea there. Tons more people will tune in for an afternoon of swimsuits and cheerleading costumes than those who will for girls doing long division and integrals. The objectification pageant is feasible and marketable, whereas the pageant I just laid out here is clearly total fantasy bullshit, and would never happen.