Sunday, October 12, 2003

So I went out to see Kill Bill tonight. What follows is sort of a review, but it's mostly just general musings and mention of some characters. Nothing in here that I would really call a "spoiler," but it all depends on what you consider spoilage. I used to know this one kid who got pissed if he saw the preview for a movie he wanted to see, because that apparently just ruined everything for him. He was kind of a dumbfuck, though, and he's dead now. If you're all that worried about spoilers, just go out and see the fucking movie already, and quit riding my ass. Christ.

Kill Bill is Quentin Tarantino's fourth film, a fact of which you are informed of at the outset if you were previously unaware (okay, I guess that was sort of a spoiler, but not really). Joe Williams of the St. Louis Post Dispatch says "Kill Bill is the most amazing experience you will ever have in a movie theater." Well, it's an experience all right, but probably not the most amazing. In fact, even though it's never happened to me, I'm willing to bet that getting a blowjob in a movie theater has the potential to be way more amazing.

As if it wasn't to be expected from a Tarantino flick, Kill Bill is fucking violent. It would have raised the bar on violence a couple of feet if not for the fact that it's so over-exaggerated and cartoonish. In fact, in one instance it's actually a cartoon. The body count is high, but the copious amounts of fake blood let you know that they're not taking themselves too seriously. If you're not an uptight ninny and just let these people do their jobs, you might appreciate the comic violence.

You definitely have to let go of a sense of reality in many cases, which again is to be expected from Hollywood. If anyone has seen Noir and remembers the scene where Kirika is running up the stairs with guns ablaze and managing to kill like fifty guys shooting at her, well, that's how Kill Bill gets at one point. Like I said, just relax and all will be good.

The movie gets major bonus points for the two Star Trek references in the film. This is great for me as a Trekkie, especially since you hardly ever see Trek references in movies. Any schmuck can make tons of Star Wars references, but it takes a special kind of schmuck to be able to make Trek references.

A lot of the music in the movie was done by Rza (who, apparently, wants to be known as The Rza; maybe it's always been that way but I don't care), and it's pretty fucking cool. That's really all I need to say about that. Plus, the film also had some fucking amazing visuals. Again, nothing really more specific to say.

This guy apparently took issue with certain aspects of the film. As a foot fetishist myself, I've gotta agree. If Tarantino is indeed one of us, I am not impressed. He really should have looked into getting some stunt feet or something for those shots, because Uma's really did leave much to be desired.

For anyone who thought I would get through this review without mentioning Go-Go, you will not be disappointed. No one is going to believe this statement in a couple of seconds here, but I had pretty much decided that I wanted to see Kill Bill before having seen Go-Go in a preview. However, once I saw her, seeing the movie became a foregone conclusion.

Go-Go is Lucy Liu's personal bodyguard. And she has some issues. She's 17, and as you may have noticed, is running around in a school uniform. It's no sailor outfit, but I will always be a sucker for knee-highs and a plaid skirt (thanks, Catholic schools). Anyone who knows me and my affinity for characters like Asuka from Evangelion know that the girls with problems are always a big plus for me. As such, a schoolgirl who's also a vicious killer is right up my alley. Sure, I wouldn't want the whole "killer" part in real life, unless if maybe she was able to focus her killing on people I don't like. And as for Asuka, well, she would drive me to a very early grave, but it would be a fun trip out. Fuck, I'm losing what little focus I had here.

Anyway, let's tally this shit up:

Tasteless violence: +1
Comic effect achieved by aforementioned violence: +1
Soundtrack: +1
Psycho schoolgirl: +2
Trek References: +2 (one per reference)
That one scene that just looked good: +1
Animated sequence: +1
Presentation of unattractive bare feet: -1
Grand total: 8

So, is a score of "8" good? Beats the fuck out of me. I guess we'll find out if I ever do any more reviews, because this shit's all relative. In fact, if a few good movies come out, that 8 can be revised to a minus 8 (fuck you, you fucking economist assholes!).

Until I do any more movie reviews, Kill Bill reigns supreme. It's not the most amazing experience I've ever had in a theater. Well, maybe it's up there since I've never gotten head in a theater, but you know where I'm going. Anyway, yeah, it's entertaining, and I enjoyed it. I think. I'd recommend it if not for the fact that you might see it, hate it, and then blame me for wasting your $6.50. Sorry, I don't want that kind of responsibility.

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