Wednesday, October 15, 2003

So today is one of those days where I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Ever.

It could all turn out fine, but I'm on the brink of either the two most exciting things I've ever faced or two of the biggest disappointments I've ever faced (which, again, will show you how simple, shallow, and easy my life is). In the grand scheme of things, none of it matters, but that's not going to keep it from getting me down, I know full well that it could be way, way worse. I could be starving in Africa or getting bombed in Iraq. What can I say, I'm a selfish, self-centered person.

One big potential disappointment is beyond unimportant, because it's sports. You know what I'm talking about. I try not to invest myself in sports, but something happens to make me care again. The Cubs could very well win game 7 tonight, but they might lose. Either way, I'll get over it, since after all, it's just sports.

The other huge potential disappointment is my current job situation. I've gone through two interviews with one company, and been told by the guys I'd be working with that I'm their choice for the job. They've seen what I have to offer and I'm the one they want, despite the other candidates who have been interviewed, many with years (even decades) of directly applicable experience. The reason they've decided to go with someone inexperienced in general, and me in specific, is because they want someone new and fresh in there to shake things up a bit.

So what's the fucking problem? Upper management. Management is just beyond infuriating, because they don't work off of the logic that most other people use. What's their big issue with hiring me? That I might leave in a year or so if the job market heats up, when they're looking for someone to be around for the long-haul.

There's no fucking reason I'd leave in such a short time-frame unless I was being treated like shit, which I have a good feeling I will not be. This job is perfect, just the exact thing I was looking for. I'm not going to leave any time soon because I NEED some sort of long-term stability. I want what they want. So far, management can only see its stupid black-and-white view of things, though, and so I have to work to convince THEM of what both I and the engineers whom I will be working with every day already know.

This has me terrified because it was thanks to upper management that I worked as an intern for a company for two fucking years and still didn't get hired. There were managers and engineers who fucking wanted me there, but their hands were tied. When I ended up having to leave that company, I was beyond devastated.

If I don't get this current job, I won't feel as bad as with the internship, but it's still going to be a crushing defeat. To be told that you're the chosen one and to still not get hired would be the biggest fucking piece of bullshit I've ever seen. Either way, where I'm at right now looks hauntingly familiar to where I was for those two years as an intern.

Naturally, I'm being impatient. I've been living back home for five months now, and I'm dying to get back out on my own. It's been that way since day one. Being at home isn't Dachau, and I get along well with my parents, despite the fact that my mother's OCD is worse than mine. It's obviously better than not having somewhere to live. I just hate this awful feeling of being a fucking loser with no real job and no independence. I look at the girls every night, telling them I'm working on getting us the hell out of there, maybe tomorrow will bring the news we're waiting for. Of course, they're inanimate, and aren't even capable of giving a shit.

It seems like that's how it always goes with me; things are really good initially, and then they fall apart in the end. Finding a wonderful girlfriend, only to find out what an awful, awful bitch she is in a relatively short time span, leaving me fucked up for years. Watching the Cubs up 3 to 1 in the NLCS, only to see the curse return once again. Making the grade and impressing a company, being told I'm "as good as hired" and then getting stifled by stupid corporate bullshit. It's all about short-lived glory. I'm not special in this regard, but this is why I live my life on the defensive. Any time something good happens, it's not long before I become terrified about an ugly outcome. Yeah, thinking that way doesn't help anything, but it's hard to shake those feelings when the pattern has been so pervasive.

This is partly why I've become as materialistic as I am. Like I've said before, material goods aren't of paramount importance, but they are a nice pick me up when I need it. Yeah, more short-lived glory. But it's something when nothing else seems to be going right. A new DVD to watch. A new toy to open up. A new magazine to jerk off to. Pretty much just distractions to distract me from all the shit that pisses me off. It can be just as much of a pain in the ass, though, like worrying if Amazon really ever will send me a Chobits box, or if that fairly expensive order that should have been here already will ever arrive. Just more meaningless nonsense.

Yes, I know. The Cubs might win game 7 tonight. I might get that job. Those stupid orders will probably show up. I'm just so frustrated at this point that I'm not exploding in anger, I'm not breaking down crying, I'm just worn out. As KMFDM says in "Dogma," "all we're waiting for is for something worth waiting for."

Okay, that's enough feeling sorry for myself for now. Boo fucking hoo.

Why the fuck do we even bother with all this shit?

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