Saturday, November 15, 2003

God effing damn it. It is not easy to get back into this blogging nonsense. Especially when it's 3 AM and you're not, shall we say, fully coherent. There were some interesting quotes, most of which no one will give a shit about, save people who were here, that I can't even remember right now, from this evening. Probably won't remember them later in the morning, either. Of course, a basic rundown of the evening was as follows:

A) Meet up
B) Go to Old Chicago
C) Come back to the apartment
D) Download porn/pseudo-porn
E) Bullshit with this kid about all the crap that went down in '95
F) Pass out (as yet to happen)

In 12 hours, I'm going to be at a wedding. A wedding for this kid I knew in high school who was, to say the least, chauvinistic. I don't know if I'd call him misogynistic, but he was close. Part of his anti-woman stance was because he was trying to put on this tough guy image. Oh, and because he was a self-confessed Christian conservative. Anyway, his getting married business fucks with me. Just like all the other friends I've known who have gotten married. But this was the one marriage that you could easily say should never have happened, and at the same time, you could say was inevitable. Although the inevitability is mostly from an ironic standpoint. I'm probably making this kid out to be worse than he really was/is. Sure, he's a hardline conservative. But he was a decent guy. Just misguided.

But still, all these marriages. God damn it. No matter how I slice it, I honestly don't want to be married right now. If I were to be married, it would only be just so I could say "Phew, past all that bullshit now. Glad that's out of the way." But I don't want that.

Still, all of my close friends, or people I used to be close friends with, are either married or in serious relationships. And I'm on my own. Which is good in some ways. I don't have to put up with anyone's bullshit. Or answer to anyone. Okay, except my mother. And grandmother. Yes, I'm a momma's boy. But fuck any guys who judge me, because you're all the same. As one friend put it, all guys aren't between relationships. They're between mothers. And don't go Oedipal on me; that's not what I'm talking about.

Still, this fucks ass. I've got absolutely no one I'm close to "in that way." It's been an embarassingly long time since I have been, too. And yeah, it's my bloody fault. I get that. Or maybe I don't, but it still sucks. I know, or I think I know, that I deserve better, but I'm still paralyzed from doing anything. Why is that? AND GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, i CANNOT TYPE. That, of course, is thanks to the boo-zay. Even if the content of my posts is normally shitty, I can at least type properly.

I hate this lonliness, but at the same time, I love this freedom. Jyst one of life's lovelly little paradoxes. My guess it that someday, I'll look back and be glad that I had this time on my own. But at the same time, I might regret having wasted all this time.

Christ, I don't even know where the hell I'm going with this. Basically to see where a post will go when I'm drunk off my ass. It's time for bed. I'm probably going to regret hitting the "Post & Publish" button later in the morning, but oh well. Like I said, thi post is an experiment. And since this whole fucking 'blog is just one failed experiment, I might as well go with it.

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