Tuesday, December 28, 2004

The only thing I find irritating about this is knowing that people actually cared about it. "Hey look! I'm turning someone's lights on and off over the internet!" How bankrupt does your life have to be to... Ah, fuck it. Christmas: it brings out the stupid in all of us.

One of these days I'm going to invent a device that we're going to start implanting in (nearly) all people. The device will be designed to explode whenever it senses that they're doing something really stupid. And by "whenever it senses that they're doing something really stupid" I mean "randomly." C'mon, you know it's still going to have a pretty good hit rate in terms of the original design specs considering how retarded humanity is.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Hey, I hate to be redundant with my posting, but I'm going to make this two posts in a row about Ghastly's Ghastly Comic. Why? Because this guy is a fucking genius. There are a ton of strips I've come across in the archive that are just bloody fantastic, but this one is beyond everything.

If you'd like an introduction to Drunk and Bitter Jesus, check out this strip. Or for a continuation, go here. If you're wondering what the fuck "furries" are, just go do a Google search. No, it's not some kind of bestiality thing (as far as I can tell) or necessarily even sexual (although I'm sure it goes that way for some of them, the fucking freaks) (Hey, I'm always accepting of other peoples' interests as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, but fuck it. May as well go after anyone I can. I mean, it's not like some dipshit in a moose costume is going to do anything about it.).

Also, a belated thanks for the holiday wishes a couple of commenters sent my way that I was previously too lazy to respond to. Sarah and Angie are alright, but the rest of you are assholes.

Finally, if you're wondering about the propriety of using "alright," suck on this.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Hey, if you're into tentacle monster rape and 36-year-olds trapped in a child's body who only get hit on by pedophiles, then this comic is for you. Found this via Sexy Losers, which I've linked in the past and is full of crude sexual humor that's actually amusing (as opposed to, say, what you can find here).

Thursday, December 23, 2004

As sick as I am of everything, at least Maureen Dowd is still better than everyone.

Holiday Cheer

Google search:

illegal underage fuck

Here's another class of search engine hits that I hate. No, not pedophiles -- I am sadly immune to that thanks to A) the sheer volume of them who stray here via search engines and B) who I am. No, I hate ones like this because they're redundant, and inefficiency like that pisses me off. Illegal underage fuck? Of course it's illegal, you fucking nimrod. That kinda goes with the whole "underage" thing. Pick your damn knuckles up off the carpet and put them back on your dick already.

Also, if anyone has figured out legal underage fuck, please let me know.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Oh, and in my absence, I hope you all went out and bought America (The Book) written by The Daily Show. And if you did buy it, I hope you read it. And if you did read it, I hope you read it again. Jesus, do I have to think of everything around here?

Because if you have to do it, it's, just... Life's not worth living.

I used to read BBspot pretty regularly, but as time went on I stopped keeping up as it got less and less funny (luckily Fe is immune to this fate). Back in the day, it had some really good stuff, like the Slashdot/Stile Project SiteBlender (scroll down a bit to get to the explanation and link to "Stiledot"). That was quite possibly the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen. I was dying for I don't know how many minutes straight, with ETP and the future BOETP out in the living room of our Boulder apartment, probably having no clue as to what was going on (and not asking since we weren't exactly speaking at that point, but I digress).

Anyway, I do check BBspot every now and then, and there's always something amusing there, but it's just not like it used to be. I was disappointed to go there and find out that an almost regular feature, a comic called Fuzzy Logic, is no more. It didn't come as a real surprise since it started like three years ago and comics were few and far between (sometimes with months-long gaps between strips). I don't know if this was a planned conclusion or if the guy finally just said "fuck it" (and I'm not patient enough to go through the guy's news archives to find out), but it still sucks. Anyway, if you're looking for something that may or may not be fairly amusing to you, has a decent archive, and that you will not have to make a long-term running commitment to since it's done, I'd recommend checking it out (the beginning of the strip is at the bottom of the page I linked).

While we're at it, this here is one of my all-time favorite humor articles which I originally read at BBspot (although I'm pretty sure it actually belongs to the also-defunct SatireWire (also having an archive worth checking out)). Now that I've linked that and coupled it with this sentence, I'm free to make future jokes about what a world-renowned asshole Larry Ellison is for those unfamiliar with the prick without having to explain any jokes. Which, of course, I hate doing.

Bad people

To help get you up to speed since I've been quiet again, here's a rundown of some of the things that ETP, BOETP, and I have done over the past couple of weeks:
  • Made fun of someone who committed suicide (trust me, you would have, too)
  • Made fun of someone who has leukemia (Ibid)
  • Keeping in mind, of course, that many of the jokes revolved around the suicide and the leukemia
  • Masturbated a lot (I can really only speak for myself here, but I can guess on his part)
  • ETP and I went out and, ah, oh yeah, I'm not talking about that for awhile
  • The three of us started working on our law degrees by once again experimenting with scotch
As we all know, I had Thanksgiving week off, and I proceeded to completely waste that week. Why the fuck am I talking about Thanksgiving week nearly a month later? Well, I've got this piece of shit in my drafts folder, and I want it the hell out of there.

Anyway, there were at least a few hours that week, though, where I had a semi-legitimate excuse for not doing something classically productive, and that was when I was busy experimenting with new software. Yeah, that's how cool I am; other people experiment with drugs and kinky sex things, and I experiment with software. Then afterwards I go do all that experimenting purely in my mind online with lonely men twice my age pretending to be girls half my age.

Anyway, one thing I decided to give another spin was Firefox, the other web browser produced by the Mozilla people. If you read Slashdot, you'll undoubtedly remember the time of the release of Firefox 1.0 when we saw the front page turned into nothing but one huge Firefox propaganda machine. Goebbels would have been proud. But of course, all the attention was well deserved. You did know that Firefox is actually the single greatest boon to mankind we've ever seen, right?

Well, actually, it isn't. Now, if you've been using Internet Explorer for awhile as your primary web browser, Firefox probably is just about as good as a cure for cancer to you (assuming you have cancer, that is). Compared to Firefox, Internet Explorer is just fucking unusable.

Being someone who primarily uses Mozilla and Netscape versions based on Mozilla, I found Firefox to be an unusable piece of shit. I like the principle behind Firefox -- a lean, fast, feature-rich browser. The problem is, compared to Mozilla, it's too lean. There are a lot of little things in Mozilla that I'm just used to, things that I can't lose without feeling as if I've lost a limb. Well, maybe not a limb, but a finger or a toe.

The first thing is that on the tab bar in Firefox, there's no "new tab" button at the far left. Yes, you can still double-click the tab bar to get a new tab, so what's the big fuckin' deal, bitch? Well, it's just one of those things that once you get used to it, you're used to it, and you don't want to give it up unless you have to. Now, you can get the "new tab" button in Firefox if you go and download an extension. But I shouldn't have to go and download an extension for something so goddamn basic.

Another thing that was intolerable is the personal toolbar. In Mozilla, not only do you have a bunch of quick links on the PT, but there's also a drop-down menu for all of your bookmarks. Again, you can just go up to the "Bookmarks" menu and get the list right there, but if you're used to it on the PT... Well, you're used to it. Things just feel wrong if it's not where it's "supposed" to be, especially if it's something you use constantly. I also couldn't find an easy way to get this functionality back; the closest I could get was an icon that opened up a list of bookmarks in a sidebar. I FUCKING HATE SIDEBARS.

Also, the bookmarks menu wouldn't keep place of where I was last time I was perusing the list. I tend to have a long list of unsorted bookmarks, and typically I want to go to one that's at the bottom of the list. Having to scan down through all the bookmarks I simply refuse to organize is simply not acceptable.

Fonts looked like fucking shit in a lot of places. At first I thought I had a version that was running without anti-aliased fonts, but I don't think that's what it was. Fonts just looked either A) weird or B) shitty. When I download Mozilla tarballs and unpack them, everything magically looks just like I want it to. But if Mozilla is set up via RPM or I'm running Firefox, things just look like shit. So I'm tired of fucking with that.

Fonts and font control have always been a sore spot with me, anyway. It seems like ever since the first Netscape, modifying the font preferences never seems to do a fucking thing. God, I hate that. If it doesn't do anything, don't bother putting it in there. If I wanted a placebo I'd start getting involved in pharmaceutical test studies. But shit, even people getting sugarpill sometimes at least think the "medication" is doing something, as opposed to worthless fucking browser font controls which I know do precisely nothing.

I didn't care for Firefox's text-box completion shit, either. I find it useful in the URL bar, but that's about the only place. Auto-complete gets real agitating anytime I'm at a search engine or something, trying to type out what I need to, and a fucking pop-down menu with a bunch of irrelevant shit shows up. I couldn't see an easy way to turn this off, but I didn't look too hard (not that there are a lot of config settings in the preferences to begin with, though) since my toying around with that came towards the end of my little foray into Firefox land.

Having the Google (or whatever engine you prefer) search on the main toolbar is almost a useful thing, but it's so small that after typing more than one word you can't see what you had already typed before. I much prefer to just click Mozilla's "search" button and go to the engine front page. You can also type in Google searches on the URL bar, but it's obnoxious doing that because it just feels wrong putting anything but a URL up there.

Then there were just some plain infuriating operational bugs. I was able to import things like bookmarks and stored passwords just fine from Mozilla, but Firefox decided it was just going to keep losing all of my stored passwords. After that happened about a million times, I just blew Firefox away and went back to happily using Mozilla.

I played around with Firefox about a year ago when it was known as Phoenix (and these are only two of about 80 names that the browser project has had), and the results were pretty much the same. Firefox made too many compromises (most of the ones I'm pissed over are just little shit that they could have left alone) from regular ol' Mozilla, and I just can't handle it. Yeah, so much of my grudge with Firefox is based on the fact that I've been a Mozilla user for a long time, and, like I said, I am just way too used to it. So Firefox is pretty much screwed with me unless they get a couple of things fixed (or at least easily configurable). I'm not holding my breath, since I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I was saying a year ago. Mozilla versus Firefox: Mozilla wins.

The other thing I wasted a bunch of time on that week was fucking with Fedora Core 3, but my bitching session on that got way out of hand and I don't even think it was the least bit amusing. So maybe I'll bust that out around the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday since I clearly don't give a shit if my posts are amusing anymore (not entirely true).

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

So ChristXmas is upon is. I saw a sign a couple of weeks ago out in front of a church that said "Put a little Christ in your Christmas this year." And I was like, fuck that. I get enough Christ the other 364 days of the year; I don't need him fucking up my holidays, too.

Daniel Pearl's wife on line one

Hey, I'm really sorry about your daughter and all, but fuck you people. Hey, I'm the last one to defend Wal-Mart (just ask ETP when he wants to go look for a cheap copy of Shaft, which we're not going to do), but they did do their fucking job on this. What, it's their fault the girl lied when she purchased the gun? I know, I know -- they should have checked their own records. What do you expect, for someone to actually go the extra mile on something? Especially when they're getting minimum wage? Shit, I've known people making well over an average salary who spent time bitching "Hey, that's not part of my job," so good luck getting fuckers at Wal-Mart to do it. Bottom line is, if they don't have to do it, they won't.

Look, no one should ever have to suffer through something as awful as this, unless of course if they really, really deserve it. I'm pretty sure we've been over this before, but just because something awful has happened to you doesn't mean that you're automatically entitled to get paid. When I see stuff like this, I don't know if it's wrought out of greed or just wanting to try and have to keep from facing a harsh reality or both. Both of which are perfectly understandable, by the way, but that doesn't make it any less shitty.

This story here is representative of quite possibly our biggest talent nowadays in this country: turning a tragedy into an even bigger travesty.

Hey, Rick Berman, can you hear me? Or shall I turn it up?

While we're talking Trek, I was reading this the other day, and I became infuriated. This is a non-issue. It was settled in the Deep Space Nine episode "Trials and Tribbleations." In that episode, they digitally inserted DSN actors into the Classic Trek episode "The Trouble With Tribbles." For those who don't know and/or don't care, that Classic episode involved the Klingons, and one of the DSN characters was Worf, a "modern" Klingon. In the episode, someone (I think it was Chief O'Brien) asks Worf why the Klingons there look different from him. Worf simply responds in his characteristic tone by saying "We do not speak of it." And that's it! They resolve the issue by completely ignoring the issue! It was fucking brilliant, and Enterprise, in all it's non-brilliance, has to go and fuck with that. Those fucking pieces of shit.


Hey, are you an ugly, pizza-faced loser living in your parents' basement who's looking for an equally ugly, tub-of-shit train wreck to spend your life with? Then this site's for you!

Hey, I figured if I was going to bother 'blogging ever again, I may as well get back into things with something mildly vicious and completely hypocritical. That's right, we gotta bust out some geek-on-geek crime. Okay, well, it's not completely hypocritical since -- while I am a Trekkie and a fucking loser and blah blah blah -- I am still way fucking better than those people. And I say this (for once) with a completely straight face. And that's just sad.

So, where have I been? 'Cause I know everyone cares. Well, I've been mad. You don't wanna know why and I don't wanna talk about it. You might find out in a few months at which point I should have all this bullshit resolved, but rest assured, it's unimportant. The edge of your seat should be pretty warm right about now, so get to it.

Monday, December 13, 2004

It's sad, because shit like this now looks pretty well-adjusted when it comes to Japan. Well, at least to me it does. The sickest thing I've ever seen out of Japan was something akin to Realdoll, AKA the most expensive masturbation toy ever. Some of you will be familiar with Realdoll if you've either A) been paying fucking attention around here or B) have a bunch of money and enjoy masturbating.

Anyway, the sick thing about the product I saw advertised wasn't just that it was for (somewhat) life-like sex dummies, it's that one of them was 110 cm tall, and another was 130 cm tall. That's (unless if I've fucked up my math, which is possible) 3'6" and 4'3". Keeping in mind, of course, that they're designed to be human sized, making them, yup, little girls. Naturally, they come in school uniforms (whether or not they come in school uniforms is, uh, nevermind). I don't know how anatomically correct they are, although one can guess since the "older" models have the right junk if I'm reading the diagrams correctly (yes, it's been a long time, but I can recognize cavities and canals with the best of 'em). Oh, and I can read enough of that bullshit chicken scratch they call a language to know that the 110 cm and 130 cm models are part of the "Lolita series."

No, I am not planning on getting one, Lolita series or otherwise.

Look, I'm not trying to say that Japan has problems, but I'm saying that Japan is nothing but a bunch of fucking pedophiles. Not that I can't get on board with that. And I suppose molesting a replica of a child is better than molesting an actual child, unless of course if the child is really asking for it.

Alright, that's pretty much all the posting you're getting out of me for the time being. I'm way too fucking pissed off right now, pissed off enough that I don't even feel like talking about it for a bunch of people who don't care.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

I just saw something on Blogger's sign-on page entitled "Learning Blogger." And I'm like, huh? How fucking hard it it to set up and write a 'blog? I can do it, and I'm damn near fucking retarded (yet I'm still smarter than a good number of people out there... a seemingly unresolved that paradox, until I realize just how goddamn dumb people are). When it comes to 'blogging, you click on some shit, type some other shit, and then put up a bunch of worthless crap that you think someone somewhere might care about even though no one does. But then once you look at the quality of most 'blogs out there, you do see that people need special help. Sure, there are a couple of people who can float, but for the most part the genre sucks. If they had me put together a how-to guide on 'blogging, it would be pretty short. Here's the by and large of my advice on 'blogging: don't.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Are we going to the zoo?

Google search:

"Why religion is stupid"

I of course want to be #1 for this one, but being #4 isn't horrid. If you do the same search on metacrawler, I'm #2. That's how someone originally got here, but I decided to try Google for the fuck of it and post that since, as we all know, Google is more authoritative because Google is god. Which brings kind of a religious aspect into it, which means that Google is stupid. Fuck Google.

Hey, just be glad I'm either not posting or simply posting (mostly) random meaningless crap, as opposed to droning on endlessly about Project 3-Series. Because, believe me, I could. Just ask ETP, and he'll tell you what a little bitch I am.
Better not tell BOETP.

...Steve finally was ready and Stacy screamed like a loon as his cum rocketed into her cunt. See it all here...

I've gotta give this one credit for at least being the most, uh, colorful spam subject that I've seen in awhile. Also, I now know that my life will never be complete since I will never get to make a woman scream like a loon.
This should make us liberals happy.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

I'm not sure if I can love Maureen Dowd more than I do right now.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Google searches:

pork fuck

These two search hits showed up in my referral log back-to-back. When I saw the first one, I was like "Who the hell gets so angry at pork that they have to go out and do a Google search over it?" But then I saw the second one and I was like "Ohhhh, I get it." The odd thing about these two searches, though (seeing as how pork fucking isn't considered "odd" around here) is that they came from two completely different IP addresses, but they were both from Italy. Now, maybe someone was just switching between proxy servers or something to make it harder for anyone to track their extra-curricular pork love desires, or maybe there were actually two people in Italy around the same time who were looking for (probably) the same thing. Is this related to some Italian holiday that I don't know about? Perhaps their answer to Thanksgiving here in the states? You know, we stuff a turkey, they stuff some pork? Sounds about right.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

It's always weird seeing stuff like this. I mean, it just doesn't make sense for religious people to be holding hundreds-of-years-old grudges over a bunch of stupid bones. They're usually more rational than that.

John Paul has also apologized for sins committed by Catholics against other Christians.

Why has he had to do this? Didn't Jesus already die to absolve all of those people of their sins? It's all very confusing to me. Also, has the Pope ever apologized for sins committed by Catholics against non-Christians? Look, you guys have played a big part in making this whole world a shithole, but you did give us those neat Catholic school uniforms. Let's just call the whole thing a wash if in addition you'll agree to just leave everyone else the hell alone. Whaddya say?

Friday, November 26, 2004

In an "announcement" sure to disappoint all five of you, the level of posts will probably slow to a trickle if not drop off entirely over the past few days. Not like anyone will notice, since both the number and quality of posts have really declined in the past few weeks. On the quality front, that's pretty fucking sad for a site that started at a very low level of what would hardly be called quality.

Anyway, for all two of you who are curious, I'll be at home for the entire Thanksgiving holiday, so I will have no excuse (other than apathy and the aforementioned chronic masturbation) if I didn't update this 'blog. While I'm in town I'll have continual 'net access so that I can still read the dearth of comments, but I probably won't even post a nugget or two. But please, try not to kill yourself if I didn't post anything at all.
While we're working on a loose theme, I need to talk about the great Blondes, Brunettes, and Redheads disaster of 1997. That was the year that ETP and I turned 18. We had one friend, though, who turned 18 several months ahead of us. His birthday was in February, while ETP doesn't turn older until May and I don't get mine until June. So this was like a big deal, right? We finally have a friend who can go and just walk into a store and buy porn. Sure, we had the Internet, but that was still the days of slow-ass dialup. So yeah, big deal.

In the Denver area, we have a chain of stores called Newsland. I don't know if their empire expands beyond Denver, but whatever. Anyway, they have a fairly sizable section of skin rags (or at least, they used to). Once this friend of ours turned 18, we were immediately like "Dude, can you go buy us some porn?" Of course, back in that day, "porn" to us was still issues of Playboy and shit, as opposed to things involving a man, another man, a midget and a woman doing things to a donkey or a monkey fucking a coconut. But I'm getting away from our story.

So we go to Newsland, and I specifically ask this kid to check out Playboy's Newsstand Special (now known as Special Editions; you know, the ones chock-full of ultra-softcore pictures but mercifully few words) entitled, yup, you guessed it, Blondes, Brunettes, and Redheads. I even gave the kid CASH to take with him into Newsland.

Now, if you were anyone else, what would you think? That maybe I wanted you to buy this particular issue? No, of course you wouldn't. You'd go inside, check out the issue, then come back emptyhanded so that I have nothing to look at when I'm full-handed later on that evening. You know, looking back, I'll bet that pussy didn't even go into the porn section to look at things, because he was a dipshit about that kind of stuff.

I never forgave him for that, but that was the least of our issues as things really went downhill in terms of our relationship with him several years later on. One of these days I'll get to the story of how we ruined that kid's wedding.
Yahoo search:

blacks made me watch as they fuck my wife

Dude, blacks didn't make you watch as they fucked your wife. It was the media who made you watch as they fucked your wife.
I'm gonna have to side with the neighbors on this one. There's nothing worse than having to put up with unnecessary shit because of selfish fucking neighbors who don't bother to think about the impact of what they're doing on anyone else. Yeah, we all love those big, bright Xmas displays, but most of us look at them recreationally, not because it's practically on our own lawn.

"If you can't even put up a display these days, what kind of people have we become?"

Okay, dude, there's only one way I can say this: SHUT THE FUCK UP. You spent one-hundred and fifty thousand dollars on it. That's not a "display," that's a spectacle or an extravaganza at least. As far as what kind of people we've become, what the fuck? Piss off, you yuppie fuck with way too much money to burn. The kind of people we've become, apparently, are narcissitic, selfish, pieces of shit.

To top it off, the cocksucker erected a big talking statue of the Grinch. Yeah, that's the adult way to handle it, chief. To continue on theme with the last post, that guy looks like a redhead, too. Redheads are nothing but a bunch of fucking tools.
If you're near Princeton and you have a thing for redheads, you can find what you need in one convenient location. Hey, CNN: if you're going to run stories like this, include better pictures.

"... the group meets in a red-painted room munching on red snacks such as Twizzlers and sipping cranberry juice."

Alright kids, settle down. It's nice that you have your little club and all, but we wouldn't want it to get goofy or anything.

ETP has always had a big thing for redheads, and while I don't have any particular fetish for it, I can definitely go for a hot redhead. But then again, I like a hot brunette or a hot blonde, too. I don't discriminate. No fat chicks.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Even if I didn't agree with the cheerleading, there needs to be more than just one new GYWO strip soon.

Lime on lime crime

Hey, so you know what'd probably go pretty good with key lime pie? Limeade. Or, beer.
I like Bill Maher's take on this issue. If the Republicans want Article II repealed, fine. Then Democrats get the 22nd Amendment on presidential term limits repealed. The penalties offset, allowing Republicans to run Schwarzenegger and Democrats to run Clinton. Both sides get to run who they really want to run, and the country is fucking entertained.

"... this has caused pregnant women to race back to our shores to make certain their children's political potential is not somehow beclouded."

Bill, slow down. Considering the very narrow likelihood of a child growing up to be president, I don't think this will be a primary concern on the mind of someone who's about to push a relatively large object out of a small bodily opening. The only woman overly concerned with getting back stateside over this issue is a retarded one.

Considering the current administration, Schwarzenegger as president doesn't sound too horrid. That's pretty bad when a concept that's ridiculous on its face is preferable to what we've got. And at least Arnold is in favor of some of the things that I'm down with, like abortion and gays. And after seeing him at the RNC, you know the guy has some skills, which gives him another leg up on Bush. I don't know how well things are going in California at this point, and I guess we really won't know the results of their little experiment until we see some long-term results, but at least he hasn't run the state into the ground yet.

Then again, I really don't want to put up with four (if not more) years of shitty action movie references and every other word ending in "-inator." Are you ready for the Presidentinator? I'm not.
... Because guns don't kill people, stupid people with guns kill people.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Okay, so I'm a pretty big Linux fan. Well, maybe not today, since I spent a bunch of fucking time installing shit so that Mozilla could play streaming Windows Media (via mplayer-plugin), but at least the fucking thing works. Still, in addition to getting fed up with my OS of choice from time to time, I also get pretty goddamn sick of the Linux and Open Source communities in general. "Oh, look at me, I'm so much cooler and smarter than everyone else because I use Linux!" "Open Source is better just because I think it is!" "Microsoft sucks!" You know, stupid mindless shit like that coming from 15-year-old boys who spend all their time locked in the computer lab. Not that there's, you know, anything wrong with that. Hey, screw that, yes there is -- when I was 15, I spent a decent amount of time playing with computers, but I was also out stalking girls who'd never want to have anything to do with me. I was a nerd, but I was cool. Well, no I wasn't.

Anyway, what the fuck was I going to talk about before yet another unnecessary flashback? Oh yeah, the mindless love of Linux can turn out decently amusing sometimes, like with this product. I need to check out that site some more, but so far I've also found this, which is pretty funny.
Hey, all you would-be assasins and patsies: now's your chance to kill a president without getting in trouble for it!

Saturday, November 20, 2004

... And one more goddamnit

Hey, guys: if you're having trouble getting your woman off, then just shove some electrodes in her back and start punching buttons!

Of course, something like this wouldn't actually be a boon to men, it'd be a replacement. Especially for weak, inexperienced, generally ineffective men like me. Can I at least watch?

Okay, jokes aside, I get that this is designed for extreme cases of women with orgasmic dysfunction, which is a nice euphemism for "man doesn't know what the fuck he's doing" or "ice queen." Alright now, relax, ladies. I don't know much, but I do know that you're complicated, so just leave me alone (much like you've been doing for, oh, the majority of 25 years).

Hell, I could go on all night making jokes about this, but just one more. I also want to make a device of this nature just so that I can name it the Orgasmarator. Okay, seriously, that's all for now.

Okay, one more

I always hate leaving for the day (or just for a short period, as is often the case) on a child sex offense joke, because for some reason I always feel as if leaving one of those posts at the very top is what's going to get me in trouble. Because, you know, the FBI won't read two posts to help in establishing the "pattern of behavior" that they're after.

Anyway, I've complained about those lame-ass personal ads with lame-ass quotes from lame-ass people that appear on web pages, but here's one I just came across that I found mildly amusing:

Last great book I read: "Catholic Digest, it is the only thing in my mom's bathroom."

Yeah, that's pretty much where Catholic Digest belongs -- in with all the rest of the shit.


Yahoo search:

worthless fucking little girl cocksuckers

That isn't very nice -- she isn't worthless. I mean, she is sucking cock, after all. God damn it, hands down I have got to show up in the worst engine searches. Again, just a reflection of the quality of my writing and my command of the filthiest parts of the language. Man, nobody sees the things that I see (as a result of Googlers in addition to my own illnesses).

Okay, I got in a joke about child molestation thanks to some other pedophile on Yahoo, so I think I can shut it down for now.

You've come a long way, baby

Several years ago, KMFDM released their album Adios, and a sticker on the plastic wrapper billed it as "The historic farewell album." Yes, the historic farewell album, which was neither. Not historic since, well, it's just KMFDM. I like 'em and all, but you know, not that important. And of course it wasn't a farewell because shortly thereafter they broke up, reformed, reversed their name, and sucked. The new project, MDFMK, was pretty much the same minus En Esch and Günter Schulz (which I guess is damn near everyone big) and not as good as KMFDM. They had that song "Rabble Rouser" and... That's pretty much it. After that they re-reversed their name back to KMFDM, they got the old band back together, and put out WWIII, to which all I could say was "That's not enough!" Even if it wasn't stellar, I do have to give mad props for any album with a song about George W. Bush that's simply entitled "Moron."

Anyway, I posted a link awhile back about Norman Cook, AKA FatBoy Slim. Thanks to a reminder from ETP, I went out looking for the new album, Palookaville. A sticker on its plastic wrapper billed it as "The triumphant return of FatBoy Slim!" So, was the sticker once again lying, or was there some merit to its claims?

I was pleasantly surprised to find that the album is pretty good. Not quite "triumphant," though. I would consider it a triumph if it surpassed You've Come a Long Way, Baby or Better Living Through Chemistry, which it does not. But it most certainly surpasses Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars, which while it had some definitely cool stuff and the cool cover with the sun shining through that guy's crotch, also had a bunch of stuff that was just plain shit, something I'm not used to with Norman.

Most of Palookaville is pretty good, at least as far as my tastes go. I can't stand track eight, which goes to show you that Norman just won't ever be what he once was, but otherwise I really like the album. Tracks 1-7 especially, with everything after eight being decent as well.

The album comes off as being somewhat original and not too horribly derivative. Of course, that's just how it is with techno/electronica/dance (technonicance from here on out to save me from having to type all those slashes and other shit) -- pretty much everything is derivative of prior work. In fact, I'm planning on releasing a techno album some day entitled dy/dx just to show that I know how it works in the world of technonicance. I dunno, I'm not really very savvy when it comes to music, but it at least had a somewhat different feel than the older stuff while not straying too far from roots. I could be wrong, but it was definitely less derivative than, say, Moby's 18, which could have been entitled Play 2: Not as Good.

There is plenty of the old technonicance standby of having a bunch of annoyingly repetitive shit that is somehow still very catchy and, as a result, not that annoying. Kinda like reggae, only good.

I like tracks six and seven the best on Palookaville. I'm guessing with my limited lyrical insight that those are the tracks that stemmed from FatBoy's marital troubles. Nothing personal against FatBoy, but if your marriage going into the shitter and then being resurrected brings about stuff like those two tracks, then you and your wife need to have a lot more strife between the two of you.

So yeah, I've gotta say that I feel good about FatBoy once again. Granted, it's never going to be good again, but that's to be expected. I don't think any artist can stay at their peak for all that long, with the exception of Fluke who lives on peak (probably aided by the fact that so many of the sounds in new stuff are straight out of the old stuff, and it somehow stays fresh). But that's okay, because at least I have some new technonicance to wear out before I inevitably go back to playing Fluke non-stop.

Also, this post marks the first time in I don't know how fucking long where I've hit double digits in my post count for the day. Not like that means anything, but I know that I too am well past my prime already, and it's nice to re-visit the good ol' days of quantity over quality. As opposed to modern times, where you get neither quality nor quantity.
You know, I've been out here doing all this posting today, and I haven't done any complaining about how stupid I think you are if you believe in Jesus. Hey, I hold some dumb ideas myself, but at least I don't believe in some invisible man in the sky and his son, who died for all our sins.

Anyway, that was just a nice preface to this "In Pictures" feature from the BBC on an art exposition entitled "100 Artists See God." From the samples, a lot of it looks pretty pretentious, I can' see how some of it has anything to do with God (but of course I wouldn't, I'm not an "artist"), we know for a fact that Leonard Nimoy just plain likes boobs, and #6 -- to me, at least -- is pretty neat.

"... And he has a son. What is this, Bonanza?"
- Bill Maher on God and Jesus
Here's one thing I wanted to post earlier in the week but couldn't because Blogger was being a dooshebag. Yet another piece of evidence in support of why (nearly) everyone should be killed.
Oh yeah, here's one more thing I've been meaning to comment on for the past couple of weeks but have been too busy or to apathetic to get around to. I still like GYWO and all, but, umm, no.

We're smarter than those motherfuckers.

Clearly we're not, otherwise we wouldn't be here.

We can learn more quickly than those motherfuckers.

Clearly we can't, because we had four goddamn years to get clued in and they still beat us to the finish line.

We can be more ruthless than those motherfuckers.

We don't have a Karl Rove.

We can be some six-million-dollar motherfuckers ourselves.

Aren't we supposed to be the party of poor motherfuckers? Until ETP, BOETP and I get our third way going, which I'm tentatively calling Neo-Liberalism, we're not going to be Lee Majors.

... Cut some stuff that I can get on board with...

There's an election in two years.
There's nothing we can't do.

Yeah, well, this is what we started telling ourselves in 2000, and look what it got us. It's basically been nothing but a bunch of this rah-rah, second place isn't so bad, we'll get 'em next time, total denial bullshit since November 2nd. Or maybe it hasn't, or I just haven't been looking in the right places. Either way, this is not what we need to be doing. We need to get pissed, and we need to act. And for fuck's sake, finally act in ways that will actually do something, instead of just perpetuating the empty rhetoric.
That's okay, though, because it's the Democrats who are the obstructionists with no interest in protecting us.

I like how Republican excuses are predicated on the old standby, "protecting the troops." I can understand some merit in the argument for not switching things up, but you know what? I'm just going to come out and say what I've been wanting to say for awhile but have been too big of a pussy to say: fuck the troops. Fuck 'em.

After the election, ETP noted that a good number of them probably voted for Team Bush. You know, the group of people who bullshitted and lied to start a war that's killed, you know, maybe one or two troops. Oh, that, or, more than a thousand. And of course, that doesn't cover the casualties, the forgotten injured who didn't die but will have to live with things like nerve damage and missing limbs and just plain being fucked up thanks to the war. But you know what? Fuck 'em all the same. If that's who they want in office, then they deserve it. Of course, that says nothing for the undoubted tens of troops who didn't vote for Bush, but work with me. I'm simplifying, and that makes it, uh, simpler.

So yeah, screw this bullshit notion that you did it for the troops. Maybe if you guys in Congress really, really cared about those precious troops, you would have done something to keep them out of harm's way in the first place. So fuck Dennis Hastert, fuck the rest of Congress, fuck the military, and fuck everyone, come to think of it.
Yeah, it sucks. Also, it looks as if Project 3-Series is a success and I buy a gun (which I may as well do), I'm automatically Republican, so I had better get used to liking all this stupid bullshit real soon now.
After about a hundred more years without any changes, I finally posted some updates to the sailor schoolgirl site. Yup.

Just as a quick Japanese porn history lesson, that second model, Ai Nagase (or Nagase Ai, if you prefer to go with the traditional name order I've got going on the site), is a pretty big porn star (and legal, I will add, to put some of you at ease, since this is Japan we're talking about). Big enough that most of the pictures I have of her aren't postable if I want to keep with the "clean & wholesome yet still dirty" motif I've got going (as opposed to just all-out dirty, even though I think that staying away from full-blown nudity is insidiously dirtier). She's rather popular, from what I understand, or at least popular enough that they make this adult product based on her. She's also 145 centimeters tall, which is about 4'9" for those of you keeping track at home. That's just about the neatest thing ever.
You know, it just never really occurred to me that maybe the whole Monday Night Football thing really might be about race. I feel kinda like the South Park boys in that episode about the South Park flag, which depicted a bunch of white people hanging a black person. Throughout the episode, they boys don't see what the big deal is about the flag, and people like Chef are all pissed off at them. But then it's realized that the boys don't see the problem not because they're racist, but because they aren't racist. They were colorblind and couldn't even bring race into the equation. Anyway, I'm probably not explaining it very well, but for those who saw the episode you'll know what the fuck I'm babbling about.

So yeah, in addition to the fact that it just never occurred to me to make it a race issue since that's just not how I think, I'm also pretty stupid. But if that's really what it's about, it makes sense. And what I said before still stands -- everyone else is a fucking moron. I may not be clued in, but at least I'm not bent out of shape over what should be a non-issue. Whatever the hell the issue (or issues) might be.
So let him fight. Fuck him. 'Cause I'm real sure all of England would go up in flames if something happened to anyone in that stupid royal family. Why anyone on either side of the Atlantic gives a shit about them is beyond me.
If it wasn't for the fact that he's being replaced with probably an even more ignorant dumbass, I would be able to take a lot of pleasure in Tom Daschle's defeat and departure from the Senate, because Daschle is a limp-dicked retard. You know, a Democrat.

Friday, November 19, 2004

I don't know where the hell comments went. I thought it'd be some transient phenomena and they'd show back up after a not too long, but no such luck. Not that most people care, but I guess they'll return whenever it just fixes itself or I get in touch with HaloScan to have it resolved.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Here is a blog that is getting linked solely because of its title.

Europe, you can continue laughing now

This shit has gotten way out of hand. Terrell Owens (pronounce it Tuh-rell, because that pisses him off) is even apologizing over this non-issue? Has anyone else been following this saga? I wish I hadn't, but it's been ALL OVER all goddamn week. Look, I know this country is all uptight and shit, but this is insane. No, I did not see the promo, because I can't get motivated to watch my home team play, nonetheless any other teams on Monday night. Still, I cannot see how it was in any way offensive. The only thing that might offend me is Nicollette Sheridan. I don't know what she's looking like these days, but isn't she like 135 years old now?

Michael Powell is "disappointed" in the promo. ABC wishes it "hadn't aired." Fuck all of you pieces of shit. Michael Powell is officially on the list of people who we're going to throw a party over when they die. Fuck you and your puritanistic bullshit, fuck your need to turn this country even lamer than it already is. And fuck ABC for pussing out and not sticking to their guns. What, you guys are backing down because some tight-assed white Christians from middle America made a phone call to fill the voids in their empty lives? Fuck you, all of you, you goddamn pieces of shit.

I hadn't heard Tony Dungy's take on things, that it was "racially offensive." Racially offensive? How? Does Tony not like us mixing races or something? The only people I know who would find this shit offensive are insecure white guys who are all pissed off and jealous because they know that white bitches love that big, black cock. See? Now that was kinda racially offensive, Tony.

Jesus Christ I hate this place. And, oddly enough, I have Jesus to thank for this moronic bullshit. Of course, it's not directly His fault; it's His followers and the mindset that they're pushing. But fuck Jesus all the same. Fuck Jesus, fuck Michael Powell, fuck ABC and Tuh-rell Owens, and fuck Americans. God damn it I hate everything.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

God damn it, can we just burn Texas down? And can we start by setting that one fucking parent who complained on fire? Jesus. This is what pisses me off about this country, because there are millions of people who are that fucking dumb. I can't tell from that article whether or not any kind of cross-dressing was actually part of the homecoming festivities, but it's all irrelevant. Cross-dressing has nothing to do with homosexuality. Is there some overlap there? Are there some gays who like to cross-dress? Yeah, of course. But there are plenty of straights who like to do it, too. Shit, how many women out there right now are wearing something made for men? I guess you're all a bunch of lesbians now, aren't 'ya? Well, one can hope, because that could be hot. Seriously, anyone who's taken three seconds of a basic psych course will hear the following: correlation does not imply causation. Try telling that to ignorant Christians (but I repeat myself).

As far as the other side goes, I can't say I'm a huge fan of men in women's clothing, but if you want to do it, then you do what you gotta do. I don't give a shit. Hell, I'd probably dress up in skirts and dresses myself if I thought I'd look good in them (which I wouldn't), especially since I'm already so feminized as it is.
Who cares about a list of dangerous toys? How about a list of shitty toys? Hell, I could bang that out in about three seconds: all of them. All of them except for the toys that I'd buy. Yeah, if you're out toy shopping, just ask yourself: what would Bitter Little Man Buy? Make yourself a WWBLMB wristband if you need to, because I have the best taste in everything.

Furthermore, I don't see how a product called "carpet skates" could be considered dangerous. Also, I find no end to the amusement over the Pocket Rocket Miniature Motorcycle. Yeah, the "pocket rocket," a toy undoubtedly marketed at boys. "Hey Butthead, I've got a pocket rocket. Check this out."
Law & Order: Criminal Intent just isn't that good. Especially not when compared to the original Law & Order or Law & Order: Sport Utility Vehicle (AKA Sex Crimes Unit). Have you ever noticed that every preview for L&O:CI could read as follows: "Watch as Vincent D'Onofrio yells at a perp in the interrogation room on the next Law & Order: Criminal Intent!" All that yelling is probably why he keeps landing himself in the hospital.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

So Condi Rice has been tapped to be the next Secretary of State. Even though he just turned into the Administration's prison bitch (not to detract from Tony Blair, their overseas prison bitch), it was nice having Colin Powell as our chief diplomat since he was, you know, interested in diplomacy. Despite the fact that he was a huge pussy, it sure beats what I can only describe as the latest move in Bush's consolidation of power.

I guess I'm okay at this point with Stephen Hadley being next in line for National Security Advisor, if only because now when he's mentioned on the news I can just go "*sigh* Hadley..."

President Bush has instructed his new national security team to end the running battles between the State and Defense departments and the Central Intelligence Agency...

Yeah, that oughta be somewhat easier now since he has his man installed at the CIA, and his woman will be installed at State.

If a large-scale migration takes place, it could mark a transition between the institutions not seen since Henry Kissinger controlled both of them...

Things are always good if you can make comparisons to Kissinger.
You know what? Fuck kids. And no, not like that, you sick pervert. I don't care about their glass blowing and dildo practice, kids don't have any fucking idea what "busy" is. Shit, I don't know what "busy" is, and I'm coming off a two-month bender at my job. Couple that with what might be qualified as heavy masturbating, and I'm getting a small inkling of what "busy" is, but these kids are (literally) years behind even me.
Google search:

getting money to see your wife getting fucked

What, you wanna get paid to watch your wife go jewelry shopping? Oh, wait -- that'd be getting paid to watch yourself get fucked. Sorry, pal.

Just in time for Thanksgiving or Mideast warfare

Yahoo search:

people who fuck turkey

Are they talking about the country or the animal?

Monday, November 15, 2004

Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm saying. Okay, well, not exactly.

Since we're so sick of Democrats and pussy-ass liberals in general, we've decided that we need to start a new movement. A third way, if you will. It's mostly liberal, formed on the basis of things like abortion and gay marriage, along with the concept of a bunch of money for a small group of people (namely, us; then it, uh, trickles down from there). Basically, a merging of our liberal mindset with our inborn sense of greed. Who's in? Better get some lovin' while the gettin's good.
Damn, that's a lot of cash.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

You just don't expect to see this kind of stuff from good, honest god-fearin' folks.

A judge ordered Mancini to undergo a mental evaluation.

The sooner we order this for all those of faith, the better.

The joys of the Blogger Navbar and random linkers

Look, I know it's not that simple. Blah blah blah. But why the fuck did you marry him in the first place?

Gays marrying! Gays marrying! It's going to destroy the institution of marriage! No, it's stupid fucks like this who have ALREADY destroyed your stupid precious "institution."
Yahoo search:

i want to fuck a goat

I always make idle chit-chat about how I should shut this place down, and I'm always served with constant encouragement to do just that. I mean, c'mon. I've made it clear that if you need to fuck a goat, I don't care. You do what you gotta do. But why the FUCK do you need to tell Yahoo about it?

A bunch of you don't even know what MLS is (it's some kind of disease, isn't it?), and that's good

I just read a blurb that the MLS championship is tomorrow. And you know what? No one cares.
The other night, we couldn't remember when the next gen XBox was supposed to come out. Well, it looks like Microsoft may have plans for XBox 2.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Out here in Colorado, some of the State Patrol officers drive a Camaro. We always thought that would be a pretty good deal -- a Camaro and a shotgun. Sure, the Camaro isn't that great, but combine that with the gun and you're good to go. Colorado State cops haven't got shit on the Italian Police, though.

"It's not for fun."


"... Superintendent Bizzarro had to push the car up to about 185 miles an hour to stop a Porsche going about 155..."

Okay, first off, Superintendent Bizzarro. That has got to be the best combination of title and name ever. Second of all, how do you catch an asshole doing 155 in his Porsche? With a fucking Lamborghini, that's how.

Dead baby

So John Asscroft is stepping down. Many of us won't be sad to see that guy go. In the wake of his pending departure, White House counsel Alberto Gonzales has been nominated to take his place. Yeah, the guy who said that parts of the Geneva Conventions were "obsolete" and "quaint" will be in a position to influence what happens to our civil liberties. So I'm not real worried on that front; at worst it'll (hopefully) just be more of the same. This, of course, isn't a good thing, but at least I'm used to it.

What I'm really hoping for is that he'll at least back off on the whole porn thing. Do whatever the hell you want to prisoners since you're going to anyway, just let me jerk off in peace, okay? Leave me something, for fuck's sake.

Some anti-woman groups aren't happy with some of the actions he's taken with regards to abortion. For instance, while on the Texas state Supreme Court he ruled in favor of not requiring some teenage girls to get parental consent for an abortion. I like that. I like that a lot. Hey, they may be poised to expand the gulag, but at least that's one point over Asscroft.

Seriously, though, at least he's pissing off the anti-womanist groups, and that makes me smile. Sure, it's a small consolation, but I'll take what I can get at this point. Also, we know that there are valid reasons for not requiring parental permission for an abortion (incest), so at least the guy might capable of some sort of rational thought.

"Why is President Bush betraying the babies?"

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. The poor wittle babies. I've basically made this stance before, but I'm going to make it again: fuck the babies. And no, not like that, you sick pervert. Sure, maybe the baby was asking for it, but I digress. Look, I'm sick of this bullshit about the unborn. Everybody's all up in arms about it. You know, you try and point out that abortion, while no one (except maybe Marla from Fight Club) strives for it, is a necessary option for women to have. Even if you make a strong case, they always throw that "but you're killing babies!" shit in your face. And to that I say, funk 'dat. I don't give a damn about babies and how do you like that?

Maybe it's because I'm not a parent or whatever, and as such I haven't experienced the supposed "miracle" that's happened billions and billions of times (I guess miracles were on sale at Sam's Club), and that's why I don't go all soft (or hard; these religious groups have a huge hard-on when it comes to them) over babies. But I'm sorry, when it comes to choosing between a pile of goo that isn't even alive yet and a woman who's put up with me and given me compantionship and (apparently) even had sex with me, I'm going to side with her. Shit, you make the sacrifice of having sex with me, and you can do whatever the hell you want. You can go out killing other people's babies -- pre-born or otherwise -- for all I care. You had sex with me and that makes you a wonderful person.

Where the hell was I going with this? Oh yeah. The "baby killing" shit doesn't work on me. Go try emotionally manipulating someone else, Christfucker.

"If you think a fetus is so important, try getting a fetus to wash the shit stains out of your underwear -- for no pay and no pension."
- Carlin
Yahoo search:

how to find objects around the house to fuck yourself with

I dunno... Get up and fucking look for them? God damn it people are lazy.

While looking through the search results, I found the following probably-not-work-appropriate site which amused me greatly: How to Bang Just About Any Object in Your House.

Is there anything better than masturbation? Sure, it's not as good as real sex (theoretically, at least), but it's almost always available and fun unless if you're some kind of real fuck-up. In addition to the pleasure factor, it also provides us with all this great humor. Sure, sometimes the joke's on you, but hey, shit happens.

"If you ever get caught masturbating, the first thing to do is act surprised. And don't worry, you will be surprised. Just start yelling 'Help! Help! My hand and peeny are fightin'! Get some help, a hot towel, and a chicken burrito 'cause this is a battle royale!"
- Dave Attel

"But you know what I like even better than women? Pornography. 'Cause I can get pornography."
- Patton Oswalt

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Okay, maybe it's just because it's 7:30 AM and I've been up all night for work once again (this time because I pretty much had to, though), but I can't quite digest the point of this right now. Some big long history lesson as to why us liberals crying "fascism!" are just getting our panties in a bunch over the wrong thing. Not that we aren't being overly hysterical, but c'mon -- we're liberals. Doesn't mean we don't have a valid point or two. Maybe the article will make more sense later, but I'll post it now so I can pretend to be all fair 'n' balanced and shit.
Yeah, I just can't wait.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004


Brand New Teen Eating Cum

Brand new? This makes it sound like they can just manufacture them now. Because if that's the case, I'm in.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Oh, geez. Now the World Trade Center is going to have some kind of weird stigma attached to it.

Seriously, dude, I can understand being unhappy with the results of the election. A lot of us were feeling pretty down last week, then it turned, oh, about noon on Wednesday, and we were over it and were moving on. Okay, some of us accepted it and got over it; undoubtedly some out there will never get over it. But oh effing well.
Like I said, I don't have to be happy with the results to respect the accomplishments. And pending those pay raises, I'm not going to become a bloody conservative. I'm just confused right now, and having lots of bipartisan-curious feelings.
More and more, Karl Rove is becoming my fucking hero. This may seem odd at first seeing as how I hate the man he's gotten into office for two terms now, or it may make perfect sense if you know me at all. Hey, I may not be happy with the results, but I've gotta give the man big props for doing what he's done. And besides, I'm a conservative now, remember? Flip, flop! Flip, flop!

The left really needs a Karl Rove of their our own. Yeah, a Rove of our own. Someone to say, "No, fuck that. We're going to do it my way, we're going to do it simple, and we're going to fucking win." Someone who's not as weird looking as Carville, maybe the closest thing we've got (not that Rove is any prize package himself). Someone who sits in their office all day and thinks. Someone who can be vicious, or, more appropriately, someone who can delegate responsibility to go out and be vicious. And above all, someone who's fucking smart. I could handle some of those qualifications, but I am just nowhere near that goddamn smart.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Here's one thing that was touched on in comments and has been getting some run in the past couple of days: talk about the so-called values voters. These are the people who would have voted for Bush anyway, but the simple genius here is just making sure that they actually get out there and do the voting. For so long, we heard that Democrats were registering new voters in record numbers, and that a high turnout on election day would only favor Kerry. Karl Rove just set to doing what he does best: tear down the opponents on their strong points, and mobilize your base. With that, the Republicans were able to cancel out any gains the Democrats were able to make in four years. Although it's not the only way to win an election, the Rove Doctrine seems damn near unbeatable. Couple Rove's philosophy with Kerry's suckitude, and R wins.

I realize that I'm preaching to the chior, but you do realize that the direction this country has taken is being driven by the most ignorant fucking ones among us, right? Homophobes (let us not forget the 11 bans on same sex marriage that passed), misogynists (..."stab a nearly born infant in the back of the head and suck its brains out..." Yeah, 'cause that's what that's about), religious nuts, gun nuts, and nationalist zealots (not patriotism, nationalism) are FedExing us straight to hell.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Yes, we can

Hey, I just thought of a great new slogan: "Anybody but George W. Bush in 2008!" Surely we can't fuck that up, can we?
Despite this past weeks' awful loss, at least I still have my first true love, Maureen Dowd, to comfort me with her columns. Of course, that's not to say that I don't have other true loves, like Teresa Heinz Kerry. Okay, it sucked when she backed down and apologized for saying Laura Bush never had a real job, but she kinda had to. And I think I might have a chance with Teresa, since she apparently goes for losers. Didn't her first husband die? And her current hubby is John Kerry. Yeah, losers.

There's no crying in football!

Ignoring the fact that they're still rich, Tuesday's loss made for a bad day in the Edwards household. But it just keeps getting worse. I'm still far from convinced that there's a god, but if there is, he just might be on the side of the Republicans after all. I mean, a just god would give breast cancer to someone like Lynne Cheney or something. Okay, okay, no one deserves a disease like breast cancer. Not even Brett Favre's wife (I suppose he's going to cry about that, too). But if you've ever prayed for your daughter to not be a lesbian (and you know Lynne Cheney has) just so it won't offend your stupid religious beliefs or embarass your husband politically, you deserve for something bad to happen to you.

Let's just get this over with

So I'm sitting there Tuesday night, watching the returns coming in. Pretty much every state is going exactly how it was expected to go since that's how it went last time. All that's going though my head is the rhetorical question: Have we learned NOTHING in four years? I mean, Jesus Christ. Do people really want another four years of this bumbling fuck, getting us into unnecessary wars and inflaming the entire world while his supposed underlings destroy civil liberties, a woman's right to choose, and the separation of church and state? Oh, and do people really look forward to Supreme Court justices probably dying tomorrow so Bush can start making his appointments?

Apparently, they do. That's why Bush got a huge, sweeping mandate from across the entire country for another four years. Yeah, a solid victory, or another pretty close election. One of the two.

Of course I ask myself, how the fuck can people be so goddamn stupid? Taking aside, for a minute, the fact that they're Americans. But god damn it, how the hell can you vote for Bush? Well, there's the fact that some people, for whatever reason, actually believe in Bush. Others (rich fucks) have something to gain. Then for everyone else, there's the fact that Kerry kinda fucking sucks.

I've made no secret of my disdain for John Kerry. With the exception of the time he used the word "Orwellian," he pretty much never gave me hope or inspiration. But that still wasn't as bad as the alternative in Bush. This, of course, makes me case study zero for what was wrong with the left in this election. So many people were saying "anybody buy Bush." We started with the conclusion. While that may have worked for Vladimir Nabokov, it's no way to try and bring about change in government. We needed to start with the idea of having a really solid candidate first, and use that to make the case of why he should be in the Oval Office.

Of course, there was virtually no one solid to run on the Democratic ticket. And, of course, most of us weren't stupid enough to accept anybody but Bush. I mean, if Hitler was resurrected and ran for the D nomination, no one would have gotten behind him. Well, except for maybe Michael Moore and Al Franken. Yes, I've expressed affection for both of those guys in one regard or another (even if both are completely unwavering liberals and one's a propagandist), but there are always going to be people who would support even a piece of shit (or, if you prefer, a giant douche dooshe) if you dressed it up and put a sign on it that said "Democratic nominee."

So yes, Kerry sucked, but given the playing field, he was adequate. Or at least, he was sufficiently not un-adequate, and, you know what? Fuck it. You know what I mean.

When it comes to Kerry, I realized awhile back that the left was fundamentally fucked. Say what you want about Bush (as many of us have), but a good deal of the people on his side genuinely support him. As opposed to the left, where many of us didn't really support Kerry, we just wanted to not support Bush. Not so good.

So, where did John Kerry himself go wrong? You mean, besides everywhere? Hell, where do we start? How about with "the first presidential decision a candidate makes," choosing a running mate. Looking back, John Edwards was a really stupid choice for VP. They brought Edwards on board for what? For image. And then they didn't even make much use of him! When he was first picked, it's like "Ooh! Finally some energy in this campaign!" And after a couple of weeks, it's like he wasn't even there anymore. I also have to admit that every now and then, I found myself buying into the FUD (fear, uncertainty, doubt) over the fact that Edwards had virtually no experience in anything. But, of course, it wouldn't have been the first time that someone got into a high post without much relevant experience (like, say, Bush). But yeah, a lawyer with two unremarkable years in the Senate would have been, as they kept saying, "only a heartbeat away from the Presidency." Contrast this with Dick Cheney, who has lots of experience and is always a heartbeat away from not having a heartbeat anymore.

ETP and I were playing DOA online a couple of nights ago with this other guy. The other guy kept giving Eli shit for his battle tactics, which consisted of standing off a good distance and waiting for the other guy to bring the fight to him. Whether or not it pissed the other guy off, ETP was fighting rounds on his terms. And you know what? He won quite a few fights. The Republicans did this masterfully. They did things their way, and they forced the Democrats to play on Republican terms. Throughout the campaign, John Kerry and the whole Democratic party spent their time either twiddling their thumbs or going on defense. The Republicans scared them from doing anything aggressive and then attacked at their leisure.

I understand why the Democrats played it safe, other than the fact that they're a bunch of candy-asses. It was a gamble either way. If they get aggressive, what might happen is that they lose their hard-fought image of being the non-vicious party of hope. Of course, if they stay docile, last Tuesday might happen.

In 2000, many liberals and Democrats could at least make excuses that Bush's victory was the result of Supreme Court interference or other malfeasance. Of course, despite the fact that a lot of that holds water, I still blamed Al Gore for being dumb enough to let that election be close to begin with. Barring any fifteenth-hour bombshells, the left has no excuses this time around. Not that they won't make (and aren't already making) excuses, but they don't have ones as good as last time around. No, this was a fuck-up, plain and simple.

John Kerry said after his defeat something to the effect of "we have made the case for change." No, Bush made the case for change all on his own. He made the case by being a shitty fucking President. But despite all of Bush's fuck-ups, John Kerry still could not get his shit together for six goddamn seconds to tell people, "Alright, y'all, check this out." A great set-up, and he blew it. John Kerry had months -- if not a year or more -- to let the American people know who he is and why he was a better choice. For some people it was self-evident -- namely, he's not Bush -- but lots of people were on the fence. People on the fence, apparently, are going to give the incumbent automatic extra points if they aren't getting a clear indication of a decent alternative. John Kerry had all this time to convince some of those people who were undecided as to why the hell they should vote for him. And he didn't do it.

Fuck is Murphy's Irish Stout a good beer. That has nothing to do with the current discussion, but I thought I'd just throw that out there.

Up to this point I have, of course, completely discounted the Republican propaganda machine. Yes, the Democrats have their propaganda as well, but there's a key difference between the two: Republican propaganda works. They played on America's fears like Beavis plays with his wiener, and they used that to help ride their way to victory. But I'm not letting us on the left off anywhere near that easily. Once again: no excuses. What is our fault? This is. If we don't blame ourselves, we're never even going to begin thinking of maybe looking into fixing our problems some day.

So, where does this leave us? Personally, I'm wondering if there's a way that I can be a Republican without believing in, like, 80-90% or more of what they believe. You know, I can just hang out with the cult, and when they say "The sun sucks," I just go along with them -- "Yeah, fuck the sun, I fucking hate it too, long live the fucking beast." I just want to be on the winning side and maybe enjoy a few of the benefits; that's all.

Of course, I have been joking to ETP for awhile now that I'm probably just a couple of pay raises away from voting Republican anyway. Naturally, while I am doing pretty well for my age group, I am far, far away from really benefiting from Republican tax cuts.

Therein lies a problem, though. Tax cuts. Americans can be lead ANYWHERE with the promise of a tax break in some form or other. "What? Bush wants to exterminate six million Arabs? Fine, whatever -- just give me my $300 check and stay the fuck away from my gun." Hey, no one likes paying taxes, except for the real hard-core liberals out there. The rest of us don't like doing it, but some of us will do it without too many complaints. But even I could get on board with the whole tax cut thing if they just pushed it a bit further.

Here's where we can at least start getting to some of the positives in the outcome of the election, if there are any. As anyone who either knows me or has read at least one of my posts knows, positivity is not my strong suit, so that's why this is going to be piss-poor. Here we go, trying to look at the glass as half-full (ignoring the fact that the glass is shattered on the fake hardwood floor you bought with your $300 check, and we're only bullshitting ourselves into picturing that the glass is still half-full, thinking that's as good as it actually being half-full).

There's one question that's dominated my actions as of late whenever it comes to anything financial: Is this conducive to Project 3-Series? I can all but promise you that John Kerry was planning to raise taxes on all of us, regardless of what he said. How the fuck else was he going to get the deficit under control and still fund all of the shit he wanted to fund? This is ignoring, of course, the fact that the R congress probably wouldn't have gone for a lot of what he wanted, but still. I don't doubt that he would raise taxes if he A) felt it necessary and B) could have gotten it passed. That most certainly would not be conducive to Project 3-Series. But I voted for Kerry anyway. I did that for you guys; I was planning to take one for the team. And this is how you fuckers repay me? I hate you guys.

Okay, getting off track, as always. Another thing that's good about Bush winning is that comedy most definitely will not suffer as a result. Bush, the "satirical tackling dummy" (as Bill Maher put it), will be around for another four years of mockery. Not that a President Droopy wouldn't have left plenty of room to make fun of, but it just wouldn't have been the same.

John Kerry's defeat pretty much opens the door for Hillary to run in '08, assuming there's a country left for her to run as president of. And, let's face it -- regardless of how you feel about Hillary, unless if you're a die-hard Republican, the prospect of the Republicans losing to the hated Clintons is pretty funny think about.

Then there's the Bush twins. I can talk about fucking them for the next four years and still have it be relevant.

Finally, you know, there's always the chance that Kerry would have fucking things up pretty badly all on his own. I honestly never thought he could be as bad as Bush, no matter how much he sucked, but you never know. At least with Bush, I already know the intensity and the quality of the ass-fucking I'm going to get, and as such it'll be much easier to prepare both my mind and my sphincter for the oncoming sodomy.

Yup, these are really small consolation prizes, but I'm kinda/sorta (but not really) trying to find a silver lining here.

And yeah, maybe I can just make the transition to being a conservative. I've made no attempts to hide the fact that I'm a greedy, self-serving, material-driven fuck. So you know what? Fuck the poor, fuck the environment, fuck everyone. I need a 330. You say the deficit is going to go sky high? Who cares. "But future generations will be paying for it!" Yeah, you know who's having kids? Not me. So everyone else is on their own.

But god damn it. Greedy or not, I don't want to live in a world of literal perpetual war. I don't want to live in a world where Roe v. Wade is under constant attack or maybe even struck down. I don't want to live in a nation where we, as a government, not only support Jesus, but we don't even pretend that we're not supposed to. I don't want John Ashcroft (or whoever succeeds him, if indeed he leaves) taking away my porn. I don't want to live in a world where all those fucking inbreds from the South are smiling through their tooth because their guy won again. I don't want to live life in a place where 2+2=5 and dissent=unpatriotic. I don't want to live in a fucking fascist country, god damn it.

Okay, okay. While we are well on our way to single-party statehood, I wouldn't (yet) call the American situation fascism. But I would most definitely call it fascism lite.

Overall, I am just not that pissed about things. At least, no more than I already was. How could I be? I knew this is what was going to fucking happen. I said time and time again that Kerry was just going to lose anyway. I'm sure some of you are like "You know what? Maybe you just wanted Kerry to lose." Yeah, you go on with your bad self. The rest of us will be strapping ourselves in, because whether we like it or not, it's going to be four more years.

Saddle up. Lock and load.

Friday, October 29, 2004

But... But I thought they hated us for our freedom?

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Quick reminder as to why it's better that I'm not posting as much these days

Well, I clearly missed the boat on the height thing, but at least I'm bucking the trend on the whole fat-ass thing. Well, for now. Since I mentioned this, my great metabolism which allows me to do things like eat my weight in fish at sushi outings will probably break down tomorrow. But as far as sushi goes, that's fish. I mean, it's healthy, so I can eat all I want, right? Of course, that doesn't explain all the other shit I manage to get away with (save the high cholesterol). But hey, I'm a growing boy, dammit. It's just that I never really did grow and I'm not actually going to be growing any more. At least not vertically. Now that we're on the subject of things growing, I could probably go for a bigger cock. If for no other reason just so I can be even more depressed at seeing it go un-utilized. Okay, I'm going to bed now.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

So I find myself coming home at 9:30 this morning. Yup, everyone else is just starting their day, and I'm shutting it down. I eat breakfast and then go to bed, because I am ass-fucking-backwards. I awake so that I can steal this link to an amusing webcomic from ETP. He's already linked several several of his favorites, and I'm adding this one since it has special personal meaning to my life. Also this, which I will count as my political rant for the day.
It's quarter after six in the morning. With the exception of a three hour break to run down to my parents' house, I've been at work (and also working) since 2:00 yesterday afternoon. Even though I do have a mandate to get shit done ASAP, I didn't have to pull an all-nighter, but I did anyway since I'm stupid (and so I can take part or all of the afternoon off so ETP and I can go pick up DOA: Total Bullshit). So this actually isn't a complaint, just adding some context as to why this really hit the spot right now. If you give a shit about Penny Arcade, you'll probably check the news post and see this on your own, but I'm linking it for the hell of it.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

First we hear that Kerry is losing support with women, and now his support with blacks is supposedly dropping. Maybe, in the end, women really do like a man who treats them like shit, wants to control what they do, and lies to them constantly, but what's the Black community's excuse? Look, I've said it before, and I'll say it again: both sides pander to non-white males all the time. When the Democrats do it, though, there's at least a thread of genuineness in it.
Yahoo search:

best way to get my wife to fuck more then once a month

Best of luck, chief.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

The final debate was last week. Yank yank, squirt squirt. I've been meaning to post on it, but just didn't care. I hate to say this, but I thought Bush actually won that one. I thought he did pretty good, and not just pretty good for Bush. It seemed like he had a quick and effective response to a lot of what Kerry had to say, and Kerry either countered weakly or didn't counter at all on a lot of stuff. Kerry seemed more evasive than usual. Some of his non-response responses were, well, Bush-like. Kerry never seemed to fall into any kind of groove like you'd expect since this was the debate on domestic issues, which was supposed to be his area to shine.

Now, I'm not saying that Kerry didn't do pretty well. It just wasn't quite what I was expecting. Maybe I'm once again being extra hard on Kerry since I'm expecting him to just tear ass since I know he's much more thoughtful, much better informed, and overall just smarter than Bush. By now, though, I should know that he's not just going to go all-out like I'm hoping for; that's just what we're stuck with in politics these days from both sides.

I was rather surprised when there was a lot of opinion floating around out there that Kerry was the clear winner in the debate. I was thinking, okay, maybe it's just because I'm not that smart. Once ETP and I got a chance to talk it over, though, we were pretty much in agreement (odd since that never happens), so at least I wasn't the only one. But we seemed to be pretty much the only ones who were thinking that.

If indeed we are right and Bush did do better, then I realized that something interesting might be happening. Maybe, just maybe, after all this time of buying into Bush's bullshit, people are finally starting to buy into Kerry's bullshit. Yes, I think Kerry is full of shit. They're all full of shit; I just happen to find Bush's bullshitting way more dangerous than, well, just about anyone else's.


So I made the mistake/had the pleasure of test-driving the 325i yesterday. And yeah, it's a pretty nice fucking car. A fun drive. After we left the dealership, ETP just looked at me and said "You're going to do it, aren't you?" And all I could say was, "Yeah."

As I've pointed out before, if I want something really fast and decently cheap, I can get a WRX tomorrow. If I wanted something that's nicer all around but not as fast, I could get an RSX-S. Since I'm willing to sacrifice performance for luxury and overall snob attitude, I could go for the TSX. But none of those are the total package that is... The Bimmer. I have to have one now.

One nice thing about test-driving the BMW was that the salesguy actually encouraged me to abuse the car a little since, well, that's what they're built for. So we took some windy roads at high speeds. We ran through dips at speeds that would cause a lesser car to bottom out. We slammed on the brakes just to see how it felt. Apparently, 50/50 weight distribution is pretty neat.

All of this is, of course, part of my quest to get back to the glory days of the Audi. The 325 didn't have quite the same punch when I hit the accelerator as the A4 did -- at least not when I was already moving. This makes sense since the A4 I was driving was the 2.8, which I'm pretty sure was the top of that line back in its day (not counting the little beast that is the S4), and the 325 is the low-end 3 Series. It may have been pretty close, though. Off a dead start, however, I know I could do better than that PussyStick Audi as long as I have a manual.

As far as BMW's transmission goes, well, I can't really say for sure since I still suck with a manual. I know for sure that that's what I'll be getting, regardless of where I'm at now. One thing I can say for sure about the TSX is that I really liked its transmission despite my total lack of skill. Not only nice that it was a six-speed (as opposed to five on the 325) short-throw, but that thing was just fucking smooth. I caught the hang of it pretty easily, as opposed to the 325 which I had definite trouble with. Again, the trouble was due to my inexperience, but there's no doubt that Acura knows what the fuck they're doing when it comes to making transmissions. Just ask ETP; he knows way better than me.

The other nice thing about the TSX is that it comes fully loaded with pretty much everything I want in a car at a good price. BOETP's dad bought a TSX not too long ago, and as he put it, the TSX didn't force him to make any choices. Your major options on the TSX are manual or automatic, navigation system or not. Yeah, lots of little things can be added, but the big things -- moonroof, power heated seats with leather, shit like that, are all standard. Contrast this with a 325, where everything is a goddamn option. Fold-down rear seats are an option, for Christ's fucking sake. When I spec out the 325 I want, I pretty much end up building a 330 (minus things that you can only get with the 330, like the engine, tranny, and minor cosmetic details), which comes standard with a lot more stuff.

Overall, I was finally able to get a real sense for what I already knew -- that the Bimmer is a car truly worthy of the asshole I am. Yes, I'd be happy with the TSX. But I wouldn't be satisfied. Yes, I'm a spoiled little prick.

Yup. Project 3 Series is in full effect. It's going to be quite awhile before it comes to full fruition, though, if it ever actually does. If I do get one, I'm going to hold off for a few months to see if I can get some kind of year-end incentives (keeping in mind that the 3 Series model year for '05 is pretty short since the '06 is coming out relatively early). Even once I decide to get one, it's probably going to be quite awhile after that since I'm most likely going to have to order one and have it custom built. Sadly, not many Bimmers are sold with a manual (at least not the one I'm looking for), and chances are even slimmer that a dealer will have a manual in stock with the color I want (oxford green, which isn't all that common, even though it looks fucking slick). So, once I place an order, it will be about 90 days or so before it arrives.

So yeah, it's going to be awhile, if it even happens. Which is good. Although I can't say I'm thrilled, having the Civic back isn't too bad. I don't need a new car, it's just that I fucking need it. This will give me time to get a lot of high-priority shit for the house out of the way. It'll give me time to continue my push for fiscal responsibility -- something that's actually kinda happening. I say "kinda" just since I'm not spending much money on a bunch of frivolous stuff I don't need, but I am burning cash for new stuff for the house, which, let's face it, needs to be done. And, of course, the drive for being smart with money is all just so that I can go out and do something really stupid with money. But, of course, that's me. Also, this allows for plenty of time for something catastrophic to happen that will put an end to the dream entirely, so I'm looking forward to that.

Okay, so this is the second big post in not all that long on the stupid BMW mission. Like I said; that's what's occupying a good deal of my goddamn thoughts, so it's bound to spill out here. But this should put an end to this nonsense talk for the time being. Maybe.
Seriously? You mean to tell me that The New York Times is left-leaning? Better not tell Bill O'Reilly, because he's going to have a fucking aneurysm. Just as soon as he gets done fending off charges of sexual harassment.

Friday, October 15, 2004

So Martha is in prison now. She's getting gifts and money from people. She might sign a book deal that'll bring in some jack. Remember how they went after Martha to make an example of her for all the other corporate crooks? You know, the ones they could have (and should have) really been going after, but decided to all but ignore so that they could go for the headline-grabbing celebrity instead? Hey, I'm not saying that Martha isn't a cook crook (that wasn't an attempt at a shitty joke; I actually mis-typed that at first and found it funny once I'd noticed... leave me alone) -- she's most certainly a bitch, but that isn't a prosecutable offense -- but there were much bigger fish to fry (something I'm sure she could all tell us a thing or two about). In the end, though, this is what happens to the big "example"? Love, support, and cash? Man, say what you want about communist countries and other opressive regimes, but when they made an example of someone, they made a fucking example of them. I suppose you could twist this around and say that this shows what a great country of opportunity the US is, if even the most downtrodden in the jails can make the best of it, but you'd be wrong.
There's a reason why the American political arena has gotten so ugly: because we love it. Politics, if nothing else, is god damn entertaining, and we're a nation that needs to be entertained. That's why Clinton was such a great president. It's not that he did anything spectacular, but he kept this country entertained for eight fucking years. We're also a group of people who likes seeing things like car wrecks, and politics is the governmental equivalent of one huge pileup. Only with this scene, no police or paramedics show up to make things better, and the cars and the bodies just keep piling up.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Yeah, but you know what? You're still never going to win an Oscar, dickhead. Nothing was funnier than a couple of years ago when that movie The Majestic was coming out, or as I liked to call it Please Give Jim Carrey an Oscar. They were really playing up his big dramatic role, running commercials that were mini-interviews to show that he was all serious and stuff. And then... Nothing happened. That made me smile.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004


Stupid prostitute cheating

A prostitute cheating? On what? Her mid-terms?

Monday, October 11, 2004

Oh, hey, the second debate between Droopy and Dumbass was last Friday. And, yeah. Nobody wins. I thought Kerry did decently well, but I felt like he had some momentum building during the first part of the debate that he never capitalized on. Bush was, well, Bush. Not as bad as in the first debate, but "not looking like a complete fucking retard" isn't exactly something to be proud of.

Kerry did have some great lines, though, like when he referred to the Clear Skies Act as being "Orwellian" in name. Now, I realize that the average dumbshit voter probably doesn't know what the hell "Orwellian" means, but that kind of stuff still gets me fired up. Hearing him say that, I was like, damn. Maybe we can win this thing. But probably not.

I also liked when Bush was talking about how sanctions against Iraq weren't working, and then Kerry immediately follows up by showing that they were working, as the whole idea was to get Saddam to disarm and, lo and behold, Saddam was disarmed. I know this is a really simple thing, but I've been waiting at least a fucking year for someone to slam Bush on that bullshit.

Another great line was when they were arguing about parental notification for when an underage girl has an abortion. Bush comes out for it, thinking he's going to make Kerry look bad, and Kerry comes back with something along the lines of "I'm not going to require a fifteen-year-old girl who's been raped by her father to notify her father that she's going to have an abortion." That was not only a well-delivered line, but it's also the exact right response to that issue.

Like I said, though, in the end no one really came out that far ahead. I guess the worthless opinion polls are giving Kerry an edge, but that's irrelevant. Kerry had some momentum going into the second debate, and being much smarter than Bush, he should have made the most of it and fucking buried Bush. I'm glad that Kerry got a boost from the first debate, but he needs all the help that he can get coming down to what will probably be an ugly last few weeks. We'll see what happens on Wednesday, which will probably be nothing.