Here's a message I got on my Hotmail account today:

Hi, its Natalie! I don't know if you remember me but awhile ago we chatted on Match.com. We had exchanged a couple emails but then we lost touch. I was cleaning up my contacts and I saw your email address and decided to email you to see how you were..

I do not have a profile anymore, I got bored of the site since no one would keep in touch with me. So just in case you forgot, here is more about me: I'm 5'7", 125lbs, I have long brunette hair and green eyes. Alot of people have told me I have very soft skin. I also have a tattoo of a butterfly on my back and my belly button pierced. I'm very active (I play tennis) and I love to experience new things and meet new people. I strongly believe that intimacy is a very important part of a relationship, along with honesty and trust. But, I want to know someone before I become intimate. I love sex, I just am not into the whole one night stand thing..

Well, I figured something happened which made you stop getting my messages or something, which is why I am trying again. We didn't speak much, but you stuck out to me. So, if you're still interested then we should pick up where we left off, what do you think? Let's get together sometime? Maybe for drinks? I have been working alot lately, so I'm not sure when I will have some free time, but whats your schedule like? Maybe we can work something out..

Write me back soon. Oh, I attached a pic to the email (to better jog your memory), let me know if you get it!


Hope to hear from you soon,
xoxo ~ natalie



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You're probably wondering why I'm sharing this with you. You're probably used to wondering that very thing by now, though. Anyway, it's not to pump myself up and let everyone know what a mad fat chick killer I am. No, we all know that the only way I'm ever going to be considered a lady killer is if I accidentally run one over with my car.

The reason I share this is because this e-mail is total fucking bullshit. How 'bout that Natalie, huh? You know what? I've never fucking talked to anyone named Natalie on Match.com. I've never talked to anyone on Match.com, partly because my profile is lackluster and the picture I once had up is super-lackluster. This e-mail, my friends, is nothing more than spam.

I've ranted about spam before, and how it doesn't piss me off all that much. Mainly because I'm more pissed off at the people who buy things they read about in junk e-mail than the junk e-mailers themselves. This, however, is a class of spam all its own. This kind really does piss me off. It's evil, it's manipulative, and it's just plain wrong.

From what I understand, when someone on Match.com decides to get in touch with you, they can do so but they are not aware of your e-mail address when they do. The scam here is to get you to respond using your e-mail address, which they can then add to lists upon lists which will send more spam your way. Hence the "let me know if you get it" line. Or, at least, that's my guess as to what the scam is.

This is the second time I've gotten one of these e-mails. This one I immediately knew was total bullshit. The first time, though, actually had me going for about five minutes. I remember it pretty clearly, because I did get kinda excited at first. I was like, "Wow, maybe things are finally about to change." But then I thought about it. And thought about it some more. And looked closely at the wording of the e-mail. And I realized it was bullshit. One thing that aided in realizing it was bullshit was when I remembered one simple fact: BLM, no one fucking wants you. Never have, never will.

Oh, actually, I just remembered another potential scam from these type of e-mails. With that first e-mail, I believe it included a link to the supposed potential love interest's homepage. The homepage has a bunch of pictures on it, and at the bottom of the page...

Wait for it...

You find something asking you to sign up (i.e. pay money) so that you can see this girl's nude pictures. Yup, it's all a scam to get you to come sign up for a porno site, cleverly disguised as the homepage of the girl next door.

Speaking of the girl next door, why the hell was there never a girl living next door to me? When I was younger, there was this slut Jenny down the block, but even I have some standards. Oh, and then there was this house that was for sale next to my parents' house for quite some time, and I was oh-so-hoping that a family with a hot daughter would move in. What do I end up getting? A bunch of old, bald Russian guys. Okay, it was actually just one bald guy who I think is of Russian lineage who's not that old along with his family. Somehow, I initially got the impression that it was a bunch of old Russkies, though, and so it stuck. The point being, this family included no hot daughters. That pisses me off.

Fuck, okay, back to the original rant. Like I said, these spams are pretty fucked up. One thing I like is how they always make some kind of mention of sex, just to get you even more excited. They're designed to prey on sad, lonely guys like me. The thing is, I have that whole "no one wants me" thing constantly in my head, and it comes in handy to save myself from stupid bullshit like this. Lots of guys, I would imagine, do end up falling for it. In the end, yes, I know, it's their fault for being stupid, but still. If you're going to try and harvest e-mails or get people to sign up for porn, there are shitty ways of doing it, and then there are truly awful fucked up ways of doing it.

In the end though, you wanna know what pissed me off the most about today's e-mail? The fact that hotmail blocked "her" attached photo. If I'm going to have this stupid bullshit coming into my inbox, the least I can do is get a nice stroke picture out of the deal. Fucking Hotmail.