Sunday, March 07, 2004

I am the biggest failure... Ever.

As per the usual warning, this is a naughty post with some links you'll probably want to avoid if it can lead to you getting fired/divorced/arrested/asked to leave. And, of course, it will probably only be of interest to the guys, in addition to just anyone who enjoys looking into my dark, sick soul.

Embarrassingly enough, I have this horrible track record when it comes to buying porn on DVD. You see, I've wasted a good deal of the last eight or nine years downloading shit online, but that's mostly pictures as opposed to video. About the only time I got it right in the video regime was when I signed up for a membership to CD Girls several years ago. If you're a fan of women playing with themselves, this is the place for you. I don't know if I was able to get one of those 3-day trials or if I had to pay for an entire month, but either way, it was worth it with all the CDs I filled up with tons and tons of videos.

When it comes to buying pr0n on DVD, I always fuck it up. Sometimes, the fuck up is more or less intended, like with The Erotic Witch Project. This purchase was made mostly on humor principle, plus it starred Katie Keane (or whatever the fuck name she was going by in the video), who I was all too familiar with from ALS Scan. I thought it might be interesting to see Ms. Keane doing work where she wasn't shoving large cumbersome objects into her pussy.

Beyond all that, there's my supremely awful collection of Playboy videos. Just the softest, weakest shit you're going to find. Sure, most of the models are hot, but that's no excuse. The videos are much like the magazine, but with shitty music added.

This tradition of not buying good porn on DVD continues with my latest Income Rapers purchase. I hadn't bought any DVDs from them as of yet, but decided to finally take the plunge. I came across Shoujo Mirukuru, starring one of my personal favorites, Hagiwara Mai, which happened to be region-free to boot. I think the main reason for deciding to go with this video over some of her others was pretty obvious, and not like I even need to point it out, but it was because of that sailor uniform on the cover.

Supposedly her first "erotic idol" DVD, I pretty much went into this knowing that it was, once again, more softcore stuff, but that was fine as long as I got to see her in some cute outfits, and, more importantly, the outfit. I'm not fully sure what the deal was, but I think many of the segments were shot as part of magazine photoshoots that Mai-chii has done. There was mention of a couple of magazines, such as Bejean, that I'm familiar with. I can't say for sure, though, since I understand very little of the incoherent babbling that they call a language.

If you're a fan of an ultra-cute girl posing amateurishly and awkwardly in different costumes while occasionally, again awkwardly, beginning to bounce up and down or gyrate her hips rhythmically in scenes that seem to have been purposely ended right when it might get good, then this disc is for you. If you're looking for hard-core fucking, production values, or something you'll watch over and over again, this probably isn't for you.

You know what the worst part of it is, though? Remember that cover with her in the sailor uniform? Well, beyond the background image for the main menu, Mai-chii doesn't appear in a single fucking scene wearing sailor kit. There's one scene with a plaid skirt and loose socks, which is nice, but I wanted a fucking sailor uniform. Just one scene. That's all I ask. I figured being, you know, Japan, those assholes could hook me up. Nope.

I would almost joke that maybe Playboy needs to come in and teach Bauhaus, the makers of this DVD, a thing or two, but we all know that if Playboy people showed up, they would just take Mai-chii and pump her up with double-D implants while dying her hair platinum blonde. I've had just about enough of that shit.

About the only thing this DVD has going for it is the star herself, who is so fucking cute that you just can't help but get drawn in despite the almost total disappointment you've just gotten yourself involved in. She is just so bloody hot that you don't find yourself swelling with that stupid macho "makes you glad to be a man" bullshit. It, instead, makes you pissed off to have been born as such. The whole time I'm watching, all I can hear is the voice of Dane Cook: "I WANT that! Why not me?!"

I wouldn't say that this is the worst purchase I've ever made (Independence Day playset). If nothing else, I've learned a couple of things:
  1. Don't trust the front cover
  2. Don't trust the J-List people when they hype up a DVD and call it, among other things, "well made"
Just like with past porn purchases, this now has me gun shy for buying anything in the future. Considering what these DVDs cost over at J-List, this is probably a good thing. I should have just gotten a subscription to Hustler instead. Actually, I probably should have gotten this instead. Sure, the stars don't look all that hot, but lesbian action in seifuku more than compensates, doesn't it? At this point, I wouldn't be willing to place a wager on that assumption.

Let's recap:

Wood: Intermittent
Orgasm induced: N/A; even if I enjoyed this as much as I thought I might, it's irrelevant because I finished watching this at 5 A.M. and was too bloody tired to even jerk off
Overall grade: no sailor uniform

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