Monday, June 21, 2004

Cast of characters

Okay, this post I kept putting off for semi-legitimate reasons. One of the more interesting, ah, features of the Chicago trip was meeting BOETP's family. Now, I spend lots of time bullshitting about my personal life here, which kinda gets into the personal lives of others, but it's not quite like this. I just didn't feel quite right talking about someone else's family. Believe it or not, I at least consider having boundaries. BOETP said she didn't give a shit and gave me the green light, but still. I'm goofy like that. I'll see what I can do.

BOETP's family is like any other family. You know, screwed up. Sure, more screwed up in some regards, probably less in others.

BOETP's parents had been sold to me for the past couple of years as, basically, Hellspawn. Going in, I'm like, they can't be that bad. After all, at least one of their daughters turned out pretty well. Sure, she has questionable taste in the company she keeps, but that ended up working out pretty well for my best friend, so we'll let it slide. After meeting her parents, though, I was able to get a better idea as to what she'd been talking about. No, they weren't sent from Hell, but there were some things that were definitely shitty about them. But her dad at least went out for pizza and sushi with us, and her mom... Her mom was at least at home when they fed me ice cream. So I don't have any personal grudges against these people (for once) as they haven't fucked with me directly, and I should probably leave it at that. More or less.

BOETP has two younger sisters. The youngest, if you just heard some of the stories about not doing well in school and some bullshit about ADHD, you might think is some kind of problem child. But no, she's just a regular ol' pain in the ass eleven-year-old. You know, exactly what you're supposed to be at that age. There's definitely plenty of hope for her, I'd say (since I'm such a fucking expert), as, for example, the school "troubles" looked to just be her having learned many of the fine arts necessary for avoiding unnecessary work that even we didn't hone until high school. I did feel pretty bad for her since I could tell she really wanted to spend more time with her sister and ETP, but hopefully she'll get to come out to Shitland Colorado sometime soon for a more sane, or at least different, environment.

Then there's BOETP's oldest younger sister. She's married and has a kid of her own. A kid whose birth literally almost killed her. Her husband is a dipshit. She lives in a crackerbox house that is just overrun with crap. She has a dog that doesn't jump on people, except for me, apparently. In the dog's defense, I was wearing whitish pants, or whatever. Somehow, she's really, really happy with her crappy robot life. I'm not really convinced that it's any kind of denial, either - Bill Cosby might just be having a good time. Or it's some kind of Stockholm Syndrome. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm the most judgemental asshole ever. Oh, wait, I haven't even gotten to talking more about her kids. Yeah, kids. I know I just mentioned one before; I'll explain in a sec. Oh, and she's horribly, morbidly obese. Okay, not really - anyone looks like a huge fatass next to Miss Size -4. I do have it on authority, however, that BOETP's sister has gone "downhill."

The first kid is the newborn baby son. He was a cute kid, but not cute in the way you'd want your kids to be cute. He was cute ha-ha. Cute in a funny looking sort of way. But at least cute. I guess. He had this permanent look of surprise on his face. He'd go through this continual cycle. Some phases of the cycle happy and surprised, some phases crying and surprised. And my favorite phase, the one where he'd start flailing his arms and legs around for no apparent reason. While, of course, looking surprised. Now, I know that babies can make funny movements and all that, but we all agreed that there was something, I dunno, just off about it. The best way I could describe it was that he'd be sitting there doing normal baby things, and then all of a sudden he'd realize "Oh no! The car payment is late!" and he'd go off into spasms.

Quite possibly the best moment of the trip was also one that cemented my position as the biggest asshole ever. This was first ballot Asshole Hall of Fame type shit. I'm sure it will come as no surprise that we amused ourselves greatly talking about the car payment and everything else behind the kid's back. Further unsurprising is that I developed what I'm told is a good imitation of this kid and his odd movements. One time, however, I decided to bust out my imitation of the kid... Right in front of him. With proud Mom and Grandma right there. And he loved it! I don't know if I saw him smile or laugh that much the whole time we were around him. Look, just trust me - this kid needs to get used to having people rip on him as soon as possible. And yeah, bad person.

Then... Then there's the other "kid," Bill Cosby's (BOETP's sister for the South Park reference impaired) husband. The Dipshit. Capital D. No, man, you don't even understand. This kid is about my age, but he's still stuck in high school. The same mental capacity, or lack thereof. The same mindset and goals (or, again, lack thereof), even though he's a fucking homeowner and husband and father. I know this is not a unique situation when it comes to the male condition, but it still sucks to see it. He has their frontroom full of bullshit videogame paraphernalia. Look, I'm all for videogames and their related merchandise, but it has no place being the central decorating theme of any home. And ladies, if you have any sense, just keep most men out of the decorating regime altogether, unless he's me and he isn't. Back to dipshit, though. He has bootleg Final Fantasy soundtracks. Shit, a central focus of his "decorating" is Final Fantasy X which, let's face it, is pretty fucking weak. Finally, he just looks stupid without having to say a single word that removes all doubt.

Like with so many others, I was predisposed to hating this kid before I even met him. He was way too vilified by BOETP and ETP beforehand to give him any kind of chance. Even still, I would have hated him ahead of our meeting after seeing the videotape where he's filming his wife in the hospital just after the aforementioned birth fiasco. You know, the one where she almost died. That's pretty fucked up when I can call you out for being the most insensitive asshole ever and I'm standing on firm ground.

His own wife didn't help his case, either. Dipshit was out of town on a supposed fishing trip for most of the weekend that we were in Chicago. On his way home, on his way to our fateful meeting, he got a speeding ticket. Upon hearing this over the phone, Bill Cosby was livid. All sorts of talk about how she was going to tear him a new one once he got home and then send him on his way to the doghouse. We knew she was serious, too, because she told us she's not going to be a "pushover mom." She was so pissed, in fact, that in reference to her husband she even uttered the phrase - and I quote - "stupid Polack."

So several years and a weekend worth of stories had me looking forward to meeting this kid. In the end, my actual face-to-face contact with him lasted for only about ten minutes. But holy fucking Christ did we get a lot into those ten minutes. So much stupid bullshit that I can't keep it straight. Saying that he "missed that little guy" (his son) who was "K.O.'ed" and hoping that he (again, the son) didn't forget him on his brief fishing voyage. The bounty from his fishing trip which was supposedly huge but apparently encompassed only two sandwich bags that were dripping with water and actually appeared to contain chicken. "Fish" which we're not even sure was kept in a cooler as opposed to a plastic grocery store bag. His offers for ETP and BOETP to drop by the next day to see the Tourette's Baby since it was his "day off."

Oh, and the pièce de résistance: his seemingly ending every sentence with "dooode!" So there you go, now you finally know what that stupid bullshit was about, since I know you were just waiting on the edge of your seats. If you even remember it, which you don't.

Apparently, the whole time we were being introduced and then during his subsequent bullshitting, I was just like dead fucking serious, trying not to kill him or something. According to ETP, at least. I don't fully know what I was thinking or feeling, I was just doing my best to deal with the biggest fucking load of horseshit of a human I'd ever been faced with.

In the end, was it worth being around this kid? Hell yes. That brief interlude kept us entertained the entire car trip home. In fact, that helped make the ride home one of the most memorable and enjoyable parts of the trip (save some of that brutal rain we hit). It fueled jokes continuously for weeks, and although in much lower concentrations, I think it's safe to say for years to come. This kid was just that fucking stupid. I said few words to him, but the gift he gave us all was boundless and priceless. I should actually be thanking him in a way, something I would do right before putting a bullet in his brain head if it were my place to do so.

So, to sum up:
  • BOETP's parents: Nice to me, not so nice to their kids, could be worse.
  • Youngest sister: Smart and mostly normal kid, has good hopes for a decent future.
  • Other sister, AKA Bill Cosby, AKA "The Fat One": Could be really cute and fun to hang out with if only she wasn't so goddamn brain damaged.
  • BOETP's newborn nephew: The car payment! No hopes whatsoever for a decent future. Not with those genes.
  • BOETP's Brother-in-law: No summary is really necessary. Would it kill you to pay attention to just one fucking thing I write?

Overall, was the whole family experience worth it? Again, hell yes. BOETP actually apologized for me having to go through it, but that wasn't necessary. Once more, I was somewhat thankful. Even though it was awkward being in the midst of someone else's civil war, I knew I'd at least get a solid post out of it. Or at least, I hoped it would be solid - I've only been planning this one for five weeks.

Well, so much for trying to be tactful and not delve too deep into someone else's family life. This pretty much certifies that BOETP's family can never find out about our weblogs, because I would hate to see the shitstorm that would ensue after reading this. Then it would be hello, Page 24. Nah, who am I kidding. Anyone would be flattered to read this about themselves and their offspring.

Hey, BOETP, comment on something. If you don't, I know where you live.

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