Get your RNC on

Okay, I was going to wait until the whole convention was over to make smart-ass comments just like I did with the DNC, but tonight (day two) was too fucking funny to hold off on. I'll start with day one since it should be pretty short, and then we'll get to the main event.

Day One
I didn't see much coverage of the first day, but here's what I got out of it.

John McCain
I missed all of McCain's speech, and have only seen quick clips and subsequent interviews with him. It's still frustrating to see him stumping for Bush, but I know he's a politician -- and a conservative -- through and through. So oh effing well.

Still, I can see that in many instances, McCain is trying desperately hard to walk a fine line of moderation even when he's made it clear what side he's supporting. And maybe it was just me, but there was one portion of his speech where I could swear he was about to start crying. Now, it's probably just because it was a vigorous, emotional moment in the speech, but if that were me, I'd fucking break down knowing that I was working my ass off to support the fucking cocksucker who slimed me in the last election.

One thing that naturally made lots of news shows was when McCain mentioned Michael Moore, who was in attendance working on a column for USA Today. I don't know if McCain was just being stupid or if he was actually trying to help those of us on the left. Attention is pretty much exactly what Michael Moore wants, and did he ever get it. I did hear that he wasn't returning to the convention after that; whether or not it was because it was "Mission Accomplished," Moore pussed out, or USA Today got nervous I'm not sure.

Rudy Giuliani
Now, I'm gonna start off by saying that I like Rudy. But his speech was utter shit. Well, okay, at least what I saw of it, which was about the last half of it. I'll give him some credit for going on the offensive, but otherwise it was just a bunch of pandering rah-rah bullshit. The kind of stuff, though, that will electrify those on the right, and irritate those like me on the left. So in terms of what it was supposed to accomplish, I'd call it good. But I just can't stand a bunch of anecdotes and crap that didn't really have any kind of use, other than to kind of set the tone for things to come. Oh, and get this: he spoke, at length, about September 11th. I totally wasn't expecting that, especially not from this convention.

Odds & Ends
Things started out pretty much like I expected. September 11th being rammed down our throats, God bless America, Bush is a strong leader, yada yada. Oh, and how I love the monitors they have set up behind the podium that cycles through bullshit pictures of the speakers when it's not searing your eyes with patriotic nonsense.

Day Two
Bill Frist
I only saw a bit of Frist's speech covered in between the bullshitting of Hannity and that guy who gets paid to make Hannity look good, but there was enough of his speech covered to hear some rant about malpractice insurance for his brethren doctors. He had some anecdote about trauma surgeons taking him aside and complaining about liability insurance premiums. Some bullshit talk about threatened livelihood. Fucking trauma surgeons. Look, I don't have any clue as to how much that insurance costs, but does anyone know how much a fucking trauma surgeon makes? Enough that a trauma surgeon complaining about insurance premiums is akin to Dr. Dre complaining that music piracy is talking food out of his kids' mouths.

Arnold
Arnold, much like Giuliani, had little of substance to say. He was pretty much just the Republicans' unofficial cheerleading squad for tonight. Arnold, good thing you were wearing that yellowish tie, otherwise everyone would have seen those cum stains that were running down it.

Speaking of choking, I nearly did that when he used the phrase "America's decency." But, yeah, Arnold did exactly what he needed to do, both for the Republican party as well as his own career. Another speech that irritated me (but of course it would) while accomplishing its own aims.

Also, Arnold: stop with the "girly man" bullshit. It's not as offensive as some of those uptight ninnies would have you believe, and it's not cute or clever or funny. Your use of it tonight didn't even make fucking sense.

And now, quite possibly the greatest moment ever...

The Bush Twins
I have a question: are Jenna and Barbara closet Democrats? Holy hell was that, uh, whatever the fuck you want to call it, of theirs a total disaster for Team Bush. All while watching that I was saying to myself "This isn't awkward... Yes it is."

For something that's as scripted and tightly controlled as a political convention -- especially one run by the current crop of Republicans -- how do you let an atrocity of that magnitude go down? I can't wait to see if they try and spin the Twins or just bury them as soon as possible (whether literally or figuratively).

I'm not sure what this weird feeling I'm having is, but I think it might be love. I love the Bush Twins, I love them for what dumbasses they are, I love them for the embarrassment (however minor) they've caused their father and his campaign. It's quite possible that I want to have sex with them for something more than mere spite at this point.

Once again, I'm telling you: I am so going to fuck those two. All the jokes and snide remarks they made about their parents and grandparents show that they have an ax to grind; I think they'd be up for sex with me just to piss of their families. And hey, they did open up with some joke about how Arnold marrying Maria Shriver (who's part of the Kennedy clan) gets them off the hook in case they ever end up marrying a Democrat. Now, I don't consider myself a Democrat (although I'm obviously planning on voting that way and I also registered as such so that I can have a say in the next primary since we'll undoubtedly fuck things up this year), but that's still a good sign. Even if Jenna and Barbara don't have a liberal streak in them, they sure want to.

Dubya
Why the fuck did they have Bush introducing that cunt wife of his? Oh, that's right -- because Laura Bush is fucking pathetic. So goddamn pathetic that someone as low as George has to do her introduction.

Laura Bush
When I first heard that Laura was going to speak, I thought "That's... Pretty funny." They're of course parading her out there in response to the Ds having Teresa Heinz Kerry speak. Yeah, bad idea. Teresa, who we all know I'm in love with, was there because she wanted to be. That's 'cause, you know, she's got her own opinions and loves speaking her mind. Laura Bush... Is a good little wife. I don't think it does any good service to drag this weak-ass excuse for a woman out if you're trying to help the campaign, but that's just me. Maybe Republicans are comforted by docile women; I don't know.

Anyway, her speech was also a bunch of bull crap. Like the obedient wife she is, she talked at length about Bush. This, of course, is what Heinz Kerry was supposed to do for her husband before she went off on her own. Explain to me, though: how is this supposed to convince anyone of anything? It's not like Laura can be accused of having a bias or anything. Looking back, it's just as well Heinz Kerry went off on her own tangents, since any extended talk about how great she thinks John is would have just come across as hollow.

The big question Laura was supposedly there to answer was "why should I vote for your husband?" She said that "as you would imagine, I have a lot to say about that." Actually... No I wouldn't. I pretty much expect you to have nothing to say. Which brings me to my next point...

Karen Hughes, one of Bush's senior advisors, was talking before Laura's speech about how she was involved in writing the speech. Which means that Hughes wrote the speech. I'd imagine that Laura didn't want to make the speech to begin with, and she sure as hell wasn't going to write it herself. Furthermore, no one on Team Bush is going to trust her to do it, so send in the experts. Then again, they somehow trusted the Bush Twins to go up there and do what they did, so who knows what the fuck is up with them.

I found it amusing when Hughes said that Laura would be "speaking from the heart." Yeah, nothing says "from the heart" quite like "I didn't write this shit."

Overall, Laura was just fucking useless. She played lap dog and did her part, but she was in no way helpful. Big shocker there.

The Aftermath
I've mostly been watching Fox's coverage thus far because I want the full-on right-wing steaming load of horseshit. Otherwise, this convention just isn't going to feel right. The sequence of Bush women was such a mess that even conservative commentators were giving them shit. Fred Barnes, one of the editors of The Weekly Standard (AKA Neocon Weekly AKA The Fucking White House Script), even ripped Laura and the Twins a new asshole. For his commentary, he became my unlikely hero for the day.

Other Random Shit
I love Fox's camera work. Whenever someone is giving a speech that mentions minorities, you can be sure the camera will immediately pan to someone who's not white. It's like they're trying real hard to say "Look, someone on stage is talking about slavery, and we have black people here!" They do the same thing with women and whoever else. We get it, you guys are compassionate and inclusive and a friend to people who aren't rich and white and male, except that you're really not.

Some woman apparently started heckling Cheney towards the end of Arnold's speech. Apparently she was around 5'2" and put up quite a fight against the Secret Service. Whoever the hell she was, I need to find out who she was, because I might want to marry her.

So far, as I've said, things are going about as I'd expect. I'm seeing even less substance than we got from the DNC, and that's saying something. They're getting moderates to push their hard-right views. And September 11th is being exploited, but of course, that's pretty much the Republican platform. "Us! September 11th! Do the math, you cretins!"

Ugh. "Ugh," but there's no side of "ugh" thus far. Sure, it's a bunch of crap, but there was the Twins debacle. God, was that funny. I know it's not going to do anything in the long run, but I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can.

What are there, two more days to go? It's only going to get worse from here on out.