Friday, September 03, 2004

I've complained time and time again about people telling their bullshit sob stories on eBay as to why they're being forced to sell something that's oh-so-cool (supposedly). The worst was some dooshebag who said that he was buying a BMW and needed the extra cash. And I'm like, hey, fuck you buddy. I don't need to know that you're buying yourself a yuppiemobile (which, of course, I now want, but didn't at the time). I find it further offensive that he was selling off his toys to finance the new Bimmer. Selling off toys to buy other shit is bad times. I learned this lesson the hard way.

I wasn't planning on getting of some bullshit nostalgic rant, especially not one that I'm all but sure I've covered before, but fuck it.

Growing up, I was pretty much the same spoiled little shit that I am now. Being an only child helped foster my materialistic attitudes, and as such I had quite a few toys. I had tons of good shit -- Transformers, Ghostbusters, MASK. Yeah. So what did I do? I sold virtually all of it at a garage sale that my family held. What did I do with the, like, $50 (no exaggeration) I got for selling off my childhood? I bought a NES Advantage, which I hated, and then exchanged it for Guerilla War for Nintendo.

I don't know how many of you out there have played Guerilla War for the NES, but it sucked. You see, the arcade version was fucking kick-ass -- especially when you got a tank. My stepsister and I killed hours playing that fucking game at this one pizza joint my family used to go to. As we all learn with videogames at some point, the console version never lives up to the arcade version (maybe there are some counterexamples of this out there; I don't know).

I doubt that even having the arcade version would have compensated for, again, my entire childhood. I kicked myself in the ass over that bloody garage sale for well over a decade. Sadly, it was one of the only things in my life that I truly regretted. Yeah, spending years being an asshole and treating people like shit and running off friend after friend didn't bother me, but giving up my toys did. Again, we see the quality human being that I have become.

Regardless, I regretted that shit, making matters worse once eBay came along, allowing me to buy back bits and pieces of my childhood for probably ten times the price. It was all made worth it, though, when I got the so-called "New Year's" Optimus Prime. This wasn't an original from the 80s, but a remake by Takara, a Japanese company that I'd worship if I had religion. Their remakes are pretty much exactly like the originals, which makes sense since Takara distributed Transformers in Japan back in the day. Unlike those cocksuckers at Hasbro, though, they have standards and their remakes are just like the originals. Meanwhile, fuck Hasbro and their shortened smokestacks.

The day I got New Year's prime was fucking great. The toy was so cool, so faithful to the original, that I cried. Not a total little bitch crying session, but yeah, I got choked up over that little (if you call $100 "little") piece of the past. At that point, I was like, you know, if I hadn't sold my shit all those years ago, I wouldn't be having this moment right now. Stupid, yeah, but I didn't regret the garage sale anymore. I still don't, nonsensical as it is, because as I've said before (and as anyone else into it knows), this shit is fucking expensive. The remakes can be bad enough, and forget about vintage. Doesn't stop me, though (as we all know), since I'm all too willing to continue my lifelong quest to fill real holes in my life with pieces of metal and plastic that I don't need. But oh effing well; it all keeps me entertained.

So, how the fuck did we end up here? Oh yeah, the latest asswipe (I don't call enough people "asswipe," 'ya know?) on eBay who pissed me off:

Well friends the time has come, like so many before me. I am married now and have two great children. I can no longer take up a whole room of our house for my toys.

First off, I'm not your friend. No friend of mine would be this big of a stupid shit. When faced with this situation, I see two choices and two choices only:
  1. Get rid of the kids
  2. Get a bigger house
Don't give me any of that weak "but houses are expensive!" shit. That's why I gave you two options, dickhead.

Seriously, I don't want to hear this shit that you can't spare a room. That's why I have a three-bedroom house for one lousy person: a bedroom for me, a bedroom to act as an office, and room for The Girls. Well, The Girls and all my other stuff, but it's pretty clear who that room is centered around.

Oh, and I don't care how badly I want that 330 -- I'm not auctioning off the Girls or any of my other cool shit to get it. I may not regret the garage sale anymore, but I sure as hell am not going to risk a repeat. I'll just have it all (at some far-off future point, maybe), thank you very much.

Wow, growing up is neat. I get older so that I can still be the same selfish, material-driven asscock that I was as a child. But at least I'm not some soulless cocksucker who sells his toys just because of two crummy children. I mean, that there is an asshole.

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