Sunday, January 16, 2005

For anyone who's even somewhat into video games, have you ever noticed that the Nintendo Lamecube controller is the biggest piece of shit ever? What the fuck is up with the button configuration? It's like a PlayStation Dual Shock threw up on itself.

Although I thought for sure that Sony would come up with a new controller when they transitioned from PS1 to PS2, they decided not to fuck with a good thing. Why couldn't Nintendo have worked off of the N64 controller? Using it nowadays feels kinda awkward, but it's still a pretty good setup. I mean, the fucking Z button for christ's sake. The trigger, which actually feels like a trigger.

The LameCube controller is even worse than the original XBox controller. You know, the one they claimed that they did tons and tons of user testing to develop, only to realize that it was a fucking monstrosity so they had to come out with the "Controller S," which is actually quite nice. But yeah, lots of users tested that original one. Who was their testing base? A bunch of insomniac retard monkeys being bred for the exclusive purpose of palming large objects who just happened to have live soldering irons shoved up their asses? Those are pretty much the only "users" I could see giving a thumbs up to the big-ass original. But at least Microsoft got it right in the end.

What brought this diatribe on was the fact that ETP got one of those Game Boy Players, which allows you to play Lame Boy Advance games on the Cube. We played way more Super Mario Brothers 3 than should be allowed considering that we first played it like 15 years ago. I mean, that's a long god damn time. I was making jokes tonight that predate even our friendship, and we've known one another since the beginning of time.

Even though you only need two buttons to play SMB3, I still couldn't help but scoff at and complain about that awful button setup. Generalizing as always, I was like, how the hell could Japan screw something up so badly? I mean, they always do things well -- isolationist feudal society to major world player in like 30 years, schoolgirls, Honda, just to name a few things -- so what gives? ETP quickly reminded me that it's Nintendo, and, well, they have a tendency to always fuck something big up with their systems. Like the N64 being yet another fucking cartridge system. Or the Advance not having a lit screen. Or the Advance SP being a dumbass fucking design. Clamshell? Uncomfortable square shape? Why couldn't you idiots just add a frontlight to the very nice original design? Oh yeah, because you're Nintendo. I know you people have engineers running around over there, FIX IT.

LameCube is the worst of the three major consoles right now as far as I'm concerned, although I am not a huge gamer so it's not as if I have mad street cred. But, of course, I do have better taste than everyone else. Still, not even the GayStation makes me happy in light of the AssBox. XBox is just a good fucking system. Being a Linux junkie, it should be hard to admit such adoration for a Microsoft product, but it isn't. I guess my descent into Republicanism was a long time coming.

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