Sunday, April 17, 2005

Longtime readers with a decent memory will recall the search engine hits I've gotten for "Thundercats porn." I got one of those hits today, and I found this as a result. It's completely fucking ridiculous, and I just had to laugh. My favorite line:

Next there is the fact that the main character spent most of his time with a ripped black guy who always wore tights and drove a convertible, the archetype bull queer.

Such a stupid statement that it's funny. I don't see how fitting that profile makes you any kind of gay archetype. Sure, a guy wearing tights can be pretty gay, but being a ripped black guy who drives a convertible? Huh? Nevermind the fact that Panthro wasn't a "black guy" but a talking bipedal cat who was voiced by someone that everyone just assumes was black. Also, what the hell is a "bull queer"? I've heard the phrase "bull dyke," but I didn't know there was a general category for "bull queers." I really can't keep up with the homophobic lexicon, 'ya know?

Then there was this:

First off we must consider the fact that there was a planet inhabitated by a maximum of two women and one of them was probably twelve

Okay, only a moron who doesn't know 80s cartoons made for boys would say something like this. Any of the good shows back then had one or two token female characters, and that's it. Now, I'm not saying that the lack of female characters was a big contributor to the quality of said shows, but if you want to read something sexist into my statement, you go right ahead since everyone knows I hate women anyway. Seriously, though, those shows never had a strong female presence since young boys really don't give a crap about girls at that stage in life.

I'm reminded of that fact more and more, like last night when ETP and I were playing Total Carnage, part of Midway Arcade Treasures 2. Carnage is the sequel to Smash TV, an experience that can only be described as "low-impact gaming," especially with unlimited continues. Anyway, as I was playing Carnage, I realized that the game was nothing but a 12-year-old boy's wet dream. With all the cheering and hollering as you run around in a war zone shooting your guns off, coupled with some weak-ass plotline involving aliens and a script drenched in juvenile humor, I was like, yeah, young boys masturbate to this shit. I furthermore noted that the game could have been much more interesting if 12-year-old boys had more of an interest in 12-year-old girls, but you apparently don't learn to appreciate them until it's illegal.

Okay, as always, I got way off track, but someone brought up 12-year-old girls, and I'm expected (and conditioned) to respond to that. Anyway, part of me is thinking that whoever originally posted the "Thundercats are gay" thing did so as a joke. But the rest of me knows that people are stupid, so it could go either way. It wouldn't be the first time that someone has actually had retarded thoughts like this about cartoon characters or puppets. I could see if these fuckers were attacking something like yaoi, because, yeah, that's gay (even though it's targeted at and consumed primarily by female audiences). But no, they're getting off over Teletubbies or Bert and Ernie since homophobes are nothing but a bunch of brain stems.

I'm kinda hoping that Thundercats was gay, though, because then it totally flies in the face of mainstream conservative thought (kind of an oxymoron, really). I was a huge Thundercats fan when I was little, and I only turned out a little gay. I love shopping and decorating and such, but personally never got into the whole "sex with other men" thing. Well, there was that buttfucking incident between ETP and I in the park. Plus there's all that, uh, fuck it. Thundercats made me gay.

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