Sunday, December 11, 2005

Hey, Paizanos!

One of the great things about growing up is revisiting things you enjoyed as a kid and realizing how bad they sucked. ETP and BOETP got me the DVD set of The Legend of Zelda cartoons that ran on Fridays as part of The Super Mario Brothers Super Show circa 1989. Now, Zelda has held up pretty well. Yeah, Link is a choad. Yeah, Zelda is a cunt. Yeah, a lot of the jokes are really fucking stupid. But it's still pretty watchable and entertaining.

Included in the Zelda set is a handful of TSMBSS live action clips. For anyone who watched this, you know what the show was about -- there were the cartoons (both Super Mario Brothers and Zelda) as well as short live-action skits intermixed in each episode. The live-action portions starred the late Captain Lou Albano as Mario and some other guy as Luigi. And holy fucking Christ were those live-action portions horrible. I mean, you spend a day having the shits, and it's not so bad when compared to this. As if that wasn't bad enough, the closing credits for the show have Captain Lou encouraging you to "do the Mario!" as he does what I will loosely call "a dance." Upon seeing this for the first time in sixteen years, I was like, wow, I think Captain Lou Albano died of embarrassment.

Looking at his IMDB profile and searching around on the web, Captain Lou isn't dead after all. But seriously, the live-action stuff from TSMBSS is just awful. It's so bad that I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable just from watching it.

One problem I think I have in writing this blog nowadays is that I feel like I have to have desensitized people to talking about a lot of fucked up shit. Or if nothing else, many things just have a "been there, done that" feel to them. For long-timers, of course -- newbies are always at risk to be totally turned off by this shit. I bring up things from the Holy Trinity of Things that Make People Sick -- bestiality, incest, and pedophilia -- seemingly as much as I can because it's amusing to a sick fuck like me to bring up things that bother other people. I could just be projecting since, at least conceptually (although not necessarily in real-life practice) I'm desensitized to these things. I mean, it's gotta bother a lot of people no matter what when I bring up being attracted to an 11-year-old girl because she has good stuff. Now, if you know baseball you understand the double entendre, but it is a double entendre since we've been down both routes. And you're still not too comfortable with people fucking horses, right? I hope not, because that's what the rest of this post is about.

Anyway, as we were watching Zelda, horsefucking came up. In case you're wondering how this came up (because you wouldn't expect it with me), there was a point where we find out that Link's horse is named Catherine. And I had to ask, "Did he name the horse after Catherine the Great because she died fucking a horse?" Even though the horse legend might be total bullshit, it's still funny to bring up. That led to ETP mentioning this story from a couple of months back. As it turned out, he didn't die from the horse falling on top of him.

Several months back, I suddenly started getting a bunch of Google hits for things like "man dies fucking horse video." And despite the fucked up search hits that I get ("donkey dongs" is a popular one... just thought I'd share), I still had to ask what the fuck brought it on. Then I saw one search hit that included mention of Dan Savage, the Savage Love sex columnist, and I thought the issue was settled -- it was something that had come up in one of his columns.

Nope, as it turns out, some dumbass died of a "perforated colon" from taking it up the ass from a horse. Christ, the balls (balls, of course, almost always equating to a lack of brains) to let a horse fuck you in the ass. But really, the thing that I get thinking about is this guy's family. You thought Captain Lou was embarrassed? Shit, imagine having to explain that to other people. "How's Tommy doing?" "He's dead." "Oh, I'm so sorry... What happened?" [Insert lie].

Do you think they had a funeral for him? I'd be willing to bet that his next of kin just said "Fuck it... Just burn his body or throw it out. We never speak of this again."

"The information that we have is that people would find this place via chat rooms on the Web"

Bullshit -- and I'm not totally kidding. Chatrooms are filled with some pretty vile shit, but it's mostly just talk. Although I'd imagine that with the cesspool that the internet and chatrooms are, there are places where getting punctured internally by a horse can be arranged.

"If you're talking about sheep or goats, there could be some issues."

This statement amuses me. Now, I get it that sex with animals isn't illegal in Washington state, as it isn't in many others for some odd reason in this day and age, but I still found this to be a funny thing for someone to say. You're cool with horses but sheep and goats are right out? Okay, just so long as we're clear.

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