Sunday, December 11, 2005

Why is it that everything I get interested in either turns to shit or goes away? Like for instance, I got into Star Trek in Next Gen's sixth season. The show didn't go bad on me, but it did go away a season and a half later.

Quite possibly the biggest disappointment of all time is Ghastly's Ghastly Comic. I discovered this around Xmas of last year, and immediately hailed it as the reason we invented the webcomic. Well, I didn't go that far, but I was thoroughly pleased with what Ghastly had put forth. And how was I rewarded for this praise? With the comic turning to utter schlock, of course. I check it every week, but it's with a sense of begrudging dread that I do so. It's more out of idiotic obligation that I do this, kinda like when I bought The Fragile many years back.

I know why Ghastly became ghastly unfunny. Two reasons. For one, Ghastly set out on a quest to become a better artist in terms of his drawing. This is a laudable goal, but it should not come at the expense of your biggest talent -- writing. Also, he apparently started doing a second comic, which I haven't looked at and don't care to at this point. That sapped time and energy from the main comic, and combined with his bullshit improvement goal, made for a lousy comic.

You know who else isn't funny anymore? Me. I look back at some of my older posts, and I'm like, damn, this kid is funny. I know it's rather uncouth to laugh at one's own jokes, but fuck that -- I am a comic genius. Or at least I was, because now I fuck ass. And not in a good way, either.

So we know why Ghastly sucks now, but what the hell happened to me? Well, answering that question in full scale could be a blog of it's own, but in terms of why my 'blog isn't funny anymore, we can look to a lot of things. For one, just about everything I posted on died with the election last year. In the run-up, it was like, yeah, this is fun to talk about. Then it was like, man, this is a fucking waste of time. It also never helps when you're a sore loser. Then there was/is my job, which actually keeps me pretty busy, and so it was like, fuck this -- I don't have time to post. Then, of course, there was all the nonsense about the car. Not that posting on it was bad per se (especially not for me, of course, but as always everyone else is on their own), but that was really all I cared to post about. As I've said before, I've really got nothing more going on besides A) the car B) work and C) masturbating. Work I just don't really bring up because even though I enjoy my job, it's not one that's really bloggable. The car I obviously bring up from time to time. And masturbating? Shit, trust me -- you do not want to hear about that. It is even less hot than it sounds, and I know that doesn't seem possible, but it is.

Okay, that's enough bullshit introspection. At this point I'm not doing this blog bullshit out of obligation or anything, and from time to time I get a bug up my ass to do it, so it's still amusing to me. Anyway, speaking of Ghastly and the good ol' days, I was searching through old posts on Blogger, and came across an unposted "Year in Review" from last year. It really wasn't very good (which is saying quite a bit considering the quality to be found here), so I never got motivated to finish it. I left it pretty raw -- there were gaps, errors (I somehow fucked up the year, which was pretty brilliant) and even a section just called "UNFINISHED," so it has even less polish than the other drivel I put out there. But it kinda irritates me to have shit unposted, and there were at least a couple of things that made me laugh. So do 'ya remember 2004 and are you ready to relive it? Me neither. But I did it, so now you have to, too. Maybe I'll do a timely 2005 year in review later this month or in early '06, or maybe I'll post it when it's even less relevant. Without further ado, I present to you a post that never was... But now is.

Yeah, fuck lists

It has been my annual tradition to list a bunch of random shit here at Fuck everything, and though the odds of me telling you my thoughts on 2003 are actually quite high doing it the way I've done it for the last few years really sounds awful to me. To both of us, even. So we're not going to do that.

Oh wait, yes we are. Why? Because I've got no place else to go. I'm starting this list New Year's Eve, and within a couple of days it should be sufficiently unfunny for me to release it into the wild. Like last year's list, this is pretty much just a stream of consciousness effort much like everything else I'm responsible for. Some categories will be returning, others added, with yet others shamefully dismissed. Let's get it on.

Story of the year
U.S. presidential "election"

Unlike last year, this was sort of a tough call. Mainly due to the big awful story of the past week with the earthquake and tsunamis in Asia and Africa. The thing is, when it comes to the tsunami story, there's really not much that I can do a lot of complaining about. More importantly, I really haven't found anything there to make jokes about -- we may have to wait the requisite 22.3 years for that.

The election, on the other hand, gave me plenty to bitch and complain about. The pitting of SuperDumbfuck George W. Bush against SuperNothing John F. Kerry (John who?) fueled quite a few posts around here. Of course, it was also the run-up to the election -- the RNC, the DNC, Republican bullshit, John Kerry's (John who's?) neverending pussitude, the Swiftboat bitter assholes, to name a few things -- that all but killed my desire to 'blog, especially on politics. If that doesn't make you pro-election, I don't know what will.

Album of the year
Fluke's Six Wheels on My Wagon

This was actually one of Fluke's earlier releases, having come out in 1993. Once again, though, since I am the center of everything, nothing really happens until I'm exposed to it. And since I didn't get my shit together and buy it until this year (and actually, it was ETP who put in the order to get both of us our copies), that makes it eligible for this year's award.

Album of the year, if I'm forced to pick something besides a Fluke release

I don't listen to music. Go ask someone who knows shit about shit, like ETP.

Greatest Grill of All Time
Muhammad Ali's "The Greatest Grill of All Time"

The rivalry is heating back up.

Webcomic of the Year
Ghastly's Ghastly Comic

A late entry, this one is pretty much beyond everything.

Stand-up Performance of the Year
George Carlin

I can't even remember half of what went down this year, but I'm pretty sure that we at least saw Carlin, Robert Schimmel, Chris Rock, and Bill Maher at some point during the year. Maher was good as always. Chris Rock, despite the long hiatus from touring, is still good. Schimmel, last year's winner, was also good, but that man hasn't written a new joke in like five years. Carlin, on the other hand is, well, Carlin.

Laura Bush "Cunt of the Year" Annual Award
Laura Bush

I still hate this woman.

Movie of the Year

I never go to movies, for two reasons. For one, there's hardly ever anything out that interests me. For two, I for some reason have a really difficult time allocating, in advance, a two-hour block of time to just sitting around doing essentially nothing. Granted, I never do anything but sit around doing nothing for hours at a time, but when it's not planned in ahead of time (and bought for $8), doing nothing still seems fresh and exciting.

I was really looking forward to Kill Bill Vol. 2, and that turned out to be a pretty big disappointment. Yeah, it was still pretty good, but it just didn't have the intangible "it" of the first installment. I remember seeing Hellboy back in April or whatever, and while entertaining, this movie does not belong on any self-respecting or even self-effacing "best of" list. Oh, and didn't Michael Moore's latest piece of propaganda come out this year? That, too, was entertaining, but seeing as how it reall didn't help and may have actually hurt chances if us ousting Bush, it certainly doesn't win shit.

Before Kill Bill Vol. 1, I'm pretty sure the most recent movie I saw was Star Trek: Nemesis (probably not true), so I'm just going to punt on this category. One finger for all of Hollywood in recognition of the fact that they're not putting out anything that interests me.

Video Game of the Year
Dead or Alive Ultimate

I'm obligated to go with any game that's A) pretty and B) brings me things like Kasumi in bloomers, an XBox girl outfit, and a naughty Santa outfit along with Hitomi in bloomers, a sailor uniform, and her own XBox girl outfit. Ignoring the fact that I hate this fucking game and get utterly sick of it anytime I start playing because I'm no good at it, it wins the crown for this year.

Another game which I get beyond frustrated with but comes in second place is Ninja Gaiden. Not that I want to sound too much like ETP's list, but whatever. At least I really didn't care for Kart (where the fuck are my jump turns?), I have no particular affinity for Megaman even if it's decently fun (but then again, I never worked with a friend to beat Megaman 2 without getting hit once), and Crystal Chronicles had zero appeal to me. But yeah, Ninja Gaiden was good stuff, even if I got completely pissed towards the end of Chapter 5 and not picking the game up again until just a couple of days ago (I made progress, too! And now... Now I'm stuck again and will probably resume playing in May). Some other games that were probably cool but also fell victim to my Videogame ADHD:

Prince of Persia: Sands of Time: I really just did not give this game much of a chance, but it just didn't suck me in like I'd hoped it would. I need to give it another shot.

La Pucelle: Tactics: This one I did enjoy playing, even if it didn't really suck me in like, say, Ocarina of Time, and for months I've been saying that I really want to start playing it again.

Grand Theft Auto: Vice City: I'm pretty sure I got this game this past year. It, too, was a lot of fucking fun, but my attention span blows. How cool of an idea was it to get Ray Liotta to voice the main character? And shit, that's merely the beginning.

Super Mario Sunshine: Yes, this one is also kinda old, but I got it early last year. I really don't have any desire to play it again, either. I'm sorry, but this game is just fucking gay, and not gay in a good way, either. Why can't they just make a regular fucking Mario game that doesn't do something like focus on that stupid water backpack thingy?

Game release I'm most looking forward to
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

Say what you want about what's on the racks at stores, this game doesn't come out until I can play it on XBox.

New game system that I have no desire to pick up
Nintendo DS

Alternately referred to as the Nintendo DipShit and the Nintendo DickSuck, I don't care how many people (ETP) say it's a decent system, I don't fucking want one. I just have moral opposition to there being two screens. So what if they can put the map or something useful down there? A second screen is nothing but a gimmick, and I'm sorry, but I'd much rather see the focus be placed on something other than a gimmick. Also, a second screen is just plain excessive, and if there's anything I'm against, it's excess.

Speaking of Excess
Project 3 Series

Project 3 Series morphed into Project 330 and is now Project ZHP. It is driving me absolutely nuts, and I don't want to talk about it until I either just get the stupid BMW or realize there's no way for it to happen. So you're all spared... For now.

Biggest Asshole
Sylvia Saint

Yeah, I blew it by using this joke prematurely several months back, but fuck it. This needs to be on every list until the end of time.

Nazi concept most applicable to my life

As an article in The Onion once declared, "Lebensraum is totally where it's at!" I, of course, find amusement in stuff like this because I find myself getting a joke that I don't think the average American is going to get.

But yeah, that's pretty much what all of this year was for me -- living space. First, I needed a house with enough space for me and my girls. Then, I needed lebensraum in a more abstract manner when trying to find breathing room in my budget to get the BMW and still be able to save money while maintaining a decent standard of living. Further appropriate that I was lusting after a German car.

So I took a term that Hitler used to justify invading neighbors and thus setting the entire world on fire which led to the death of millions, and belittled it all as part of my quest for material goods and money. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm an asshole and a bad person.

Most awful human being

It took some thinking to come up with a winner, but it's pretty sad for the rest of humanity because I knew that I still cannot make the top of this list.

Anime of the Year

Who cares, watching anime is for fucking losers

But if I did watch anime...
I still really don't know

I've had to back way the hell off from this habit this past year.

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