Saturday, February 12, 2005

This is another thing I've gotten sick and tired of. Look, is it irresponsible to put out products like fatty foods and cigarettes? I suppose you could make that case. But at this point, even someone who's completely fucking retarded knows what things are bad for them. Hey, I know McDonald's isn't healthy for me. That's one of the reasons I rarely eat there or at other fast food joints. Sometimes, though? I want something that tastes good (and yeah, sometimes that greasy slop does have its appeal). I'm willing to make that tradeoff, and I know that I'm making a tradeoff. I like how that shit tastes, and when I do make the rare choice, I want to be able to enjoy that taste without having it compromised because some fuck decided he needed deserved to get paid.

It's pretty much this same mentality that leads to me not giving a shit about tobacco companies. Yes, they make a product that's bad for us. But we know this. It's no longer the 1950s where they can get away with making people think it's good for us. The same goes for fast food and so many other things we do that are deleterious to our health.

If you don't want to face the potential consequences of something, stay the fuck away from it -- claiming ignorance of the facts is no longer an option because we're constantly bombarded with the facts. If you smoke, and you do it long enough, you're going to get cancer and die, or probably face some other negative health effects. If you eat enough fast food without mixing in some moderation or exercise, your health is going to suffer. At this point, with as much as we know about this shit, I have no sympathy for you if you get fucked up, and, in fact, I'm kinda hoping that you do end up sick and/or dead.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

If you've played more than a half-minute of the first two Star Fox games (you know, the real ones for Super Nintendo and N64 that were exactly the same, but you bought and enjoyed the second one anyway), you can relate to Wednesday's Penny Arcade. Slippy really is this pain in the ass gay frog who bugs the shit out of you when you're trying to do something else. He's not the cool kind of gay guy you want to hang out with and compare decorating tips with. No, he's the kind of gay guy whose Arwing you want to blow up so he'll leave you the hell alone. The same goes for Falco, although you wanna shoot him down just because he's a fucking prick.

Quick, Ike, do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!

Fuck, am I gonna have to watch an episode of Rape Kit? In case if you don't wanna read the whole post to find out what the fuck I'm talking about, Wil Wheaton is going to play a role on an upcoming episode of CSI.

I will never understand the fascination with that show. First off, the title is wrong. Those people aren't crime scene investigators, they're the crime scene unit. They don't do anything except show up and get ordered by the detectives to run a rape kit. If you were watching a real show like Law & Order you'd know this already.

Second, I cannot stand the lead actor on the original CSI. Hey, check it out:

this is an audio post - click to play

I could be that fucking guy on CSI! Where the hell is my inexplicably popular TV show? Actually, upon listening to that again, nevermind -- there was way too much life in my voice.

I caught all of the first six seconds of CSI: Miami the other night, and apparently, it's a requirement for all of the Rape Kit lead actors to be that way. David Caruso is completely lifeless as well, and I totally gave that show a fair shake. Or maybe he always sucked that bad and I didn't know it because I didn't watch Cop Drama.

I'm almost tempted to take in an episode of CSI: NY since Gary Sinise (no relation to Arliss) was at least cool at one point, but it probably won't happen. Now go put on your "CSU" windbreaker and run a rape kit while we stand around and make fun of the victim!
One more new product.
Could it be our wait is finally coming to an end?

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

You've been Crossed, ma man

Hotbot search:

underage dog fuck free pics

At what point, exactly, is a dog underage, anyway? I figure I may as well get these jokes in now since I'll be getting hits from the dogfuckers as it is thanks to the change in posting name.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

I've never understood why the Super Bowl is such a big deal. I mean, I can totally understand getting into it if a team you root for is playing. But otherwise, why? I blame it on what I lovingly refer to as "guy culture." This stupid fucking mentality that's based around beer, sports, Maxim magazine, and somehow convincing everyone that the Coors twins are hot when they aren't. Now, not that there isn't a time and place for the former two -- indeed, there are many times and places for them -- but building a lifestyle on all that isn't exactly what I'd call man's (emphasis on man) greatest achievement.

This pinnacle of this great achievement is Super Bowl Sunday, which is, apparently, the biggest event of the year in many mens' lives. Just to be clear, there's nothing wrong with sitting down and watching the game or something. It is the Lord's day, after all, the single worst fucking day of the week when you know you have to go back to work the next day and all the goddamn stores close early. But there are so many guys who really -- needlessly -- get into it. Not guys who are fans of either team. Not guys who are degenerate gamblers with their mortgages, kids' college money, and very lives riding on the outcome of the game. Just regular guys with no vested interest whatsoever. I dunno, perhaps being a sad excuse for a man prevents me from understanding it, but I just don't.

Just a quick aside since we're on the subject of football, but Terry Bradshaw needs to be put to sleep. I'd like it if his exit was slow and painful, but honestly, as long as you get him outta here I'll be happy. There are few bigger retards out there than Bradshaw. Well, sadly, there are, but Bradshaw is up there. As was once famously said about him, he's so stupid that he "couldn't spell 'cat' if you spotted him the C and the A." He's also never going to get over his bitterness that John Elway, who had the audacity to spurn the Colts because he didn't want to play there, turned out to be a much better quarterback than Bradshaw. Knowing that that pisses ol' Terry off is pretty funny

Back to the Super Bowl, I know that its popularity isn't driven entirely by guys. There are plenty of people who attend the Super Bowl simply because they're rich and they can. That's fine; I can understand that. I'm sure it's one big social event for them, so whatever. Then there are lots of people who tune in to watch the game specifically for the advertisements. This I cannot get on board with anymore because the commercials have been bloody lame for the past several years, and this year was no exception. What was once the source for the most creative, humorous, and entertaining ads (in the U.S., that is) is now just a string of tired and uninspired normal commercials. Of course, the ads were purposely toned down this year, thanks to everyone's fright that the FCC will come after them thanks to the newer, stronger puritanical mindset that we have in this country.

Yeah, it's been a whole year since the partially exposed tit of someone who no one cares about anymore was shown on national TV for a split second, irrevocably damaging children and altering human history. After last year's Reichstag fire, we've seen a marvelous string of threats and de facto censorship being pushed upon media and entertainment, led by Michael Powell and enthusiastically endorsed by Christian conservatives.

Working to ensure that we didn't see a repeat of last year, Super Bowl attendees and viewers were treated to Paul McCartney. That's right, everyone! Paul McCartney! A guy so fucking old and so not good anymore that he's the perfect cure for anything entertaining. Why doesn't that guy just stay home and bang his much younger wife? If I had no need for the money and I had younger poon back at home, I wouldn't fucking bother leaving the house -- especially if there was a chance my hip would go out from my onstage "dancing" (although I suppose staying home has that potential, too).

You know who I think should be the halftime entertainment for every major sporting event from here on out? Ashlee Simpson. Considering her reception at the Orange Bowl this year, I figure that if you keep putting her out there, it's only a matter of time before angry fans rush the stage and eat her alive. What is the fucking deal with Ashlee Simpson? Sure, she's untalented, but she's also not attractive by any stretch. To be famous, I really think you should have one or the other at bare minumum. Her sister, while also untalented and stupid, was at least hot back before she started decomposing. But Ashlee? Just like with Super Bowl fever, I don't get it, unless if her fame came about as a result of a bet or a dare between some record company execs.

Through all of this, I haven't even talked about the worst part of Super Bowl XXXIX -- the game itself. Sweet Jesus was that one fucking boring game. It isn't just that I didn't care about who was playing or what the outcome was, it's that the game transcended all of that to the point where I could have gotten more of a hardon for what was happening watching golf. I fell asleep sometime during the fourth quarter, the only thing keeping me awake up to that point was the bitching and mockery (you know, the usual) that we had going. We weren't alone in our displeasure, as they showed a shot of Clinton hanging out up in his box, and he seemed to be in much the same state. Probably thinking "Damn, I could be out getting some pussy right about now, but I'm stuck watching this shit."

Sadly, I think the Pro Bowl next week has more potential to be interesting. The fucking Pro Bowl. Somehow, though, I think I'm gonna end up missing that one. Call it a hunch. Either way, I'm just glad football season is over, at lest until training camp starts in two weeks.