Saturday, April 09, 2005

Get your Catholicism on

Okay, so we watched the pope's funeral last night. And, yeah, it's pretty much what I'd expect from the Catholics. Unnecessarily drawn out nonsense. Towards the end of the ceremony, there was some involvement by a bunch of guys with long beards who were wearing colorful outfits. The "announcer" from Vatican TV was of no use whatsoever in telling us who they were, and we were pretty sure ZZ Top wouldn't get to be involved with the pope's funeral. Our curiosity led to a couple of things.

First, we had to go find out who the fuck those guys were. Even though all of the ceremonial robes and whatnot are goofy to differing levels, those old dudes kinda had it going on. We ended up having to do over an hour of searching online to finally find out that they were from the Eastern Rite Churches. From the sounds of it, that group of Churches has their own set of rules and whatnot and basically picks and chooses what they want to follow coming from the Vatican, but they're still somehow associated with the Roman Catholic Church.

In our search for pictures and a description of who the hell those guys were, we came across Catholic Online. This site definitely gets "humor site of the week" honors. First off is the Catholic Singles section. I'm sorry, that's just funny. Next up is the Hitler Catholic Youth section, which yielded another veritable treasure trove of material, most notably the Saints Fun Facts page. Now, to imply that there could be anything fun in learning about Saints is comic gold on its own, but just look at some of that stuff. Cartoon depictions of saints coupled with short blurbs talking about Jesus and miracles and other fictional stuff? That's funny.

Now we come to the pièce de résistance: Catholic Shopping. You have not been shopping until you've gone out perusing boring, hackneyed trinkets that profess your faith in Him. Runner up for best product goes to this company making partial resin dolls of saints. The best product, however, was this company, which makes hilarious stuffed toys of saints and other figures. And only a hundred bucks each! Oh, and those pictures of the little girls playing with their stuffed saints are priceless.

You know, this reminds me of something I've been meaning to buy for years: a set of biblical action figures from Train Up A Child, Inc. Could there be a worse name than that for a company, or is it just me? Apparently it's taken from a line in the Bible, but that only makes it stupider. Anyway, the thing about their action figures, is that they used to have them segregated into two classes: Caucasian Heritage Series and African Heritage Series. The African Heritage Series had, as you might imagine, black versions of all the figures. That's right, back in the day you could buy yourself a Black Jesus. We always wanted to buy both a black and a white Jesus so we could pit them against one another in a diorama with one of them saying "This time we finish it... There can be only one!" The fucked up thing is, when I first went to that page today, it was showing the black series, but now it's just showing the goddamn white ones. I don't know if there's something screwed up with my browser or their site, but whatever. You get the idea.

Okay, so after a foray into way too many Christian web pages, let's get back on with some other trivial nonsense. As we were trying to figure out who ZZ Top was, we got to thinking: you know, we could turn this into a great competition. Yea, who wouldn't be down with Catholic cosplay? You could have guys running around in cardinal outfits and pope hats, and the girls running around in schoolgirl outfits and nun outfits. Now, I know what you're saying. Sure, the guys' costumes are colorful and shit, and the schoolgirl thing is obvious, but nuns? Where's the appeal there? C'mon, dude. Have you forgotten that all nuns are strippers?

So, with an idea for a religious dress-up extravaganza in mind, we could probably turn it into a full-blown event. And what should we call our event? What else? CathliCon.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Yup. Not really much more that needs to be said about that. You help shield pedophiles, and then after some relatively minor embarassment you get a cushy job and end up in a position to be officiating at something considered important. Man, I've gotta get me some of that power stuff, since it not only allows you to be a fuckoff and get away with it, but it allows you to be a fuckoff who can further his career.

They should just get things over with and appoint Law as the next pope. It'd make for a nice final slap in the face to all those molestation victims. Hey, tell me it wouldn't be consistent with how those pieces of shit in the Church behave. It just can't be said enough: fuck the Catholic Church.

It's also been almost amusing to be reminded how political the Church is. It's not just about all that Jesus and praying bullshit, it's also about all of the nonsnse we're accustomed to with government. No wonder the two groups get along so well.
This could be pretty neat. Oh, and at least now we have an official announcement that we can bitch about when it doesn't show up.
I can't stand those shitty little Mini Coopers, but this is pretty funny. I don't care if BMW owns Mini, they're not Bimmers and those things are way too small and look dumb. I know what you're saying, at least if you're a woman (as usual, I'm taking one case and using that to generalize): "But they're so cute!" Yeah, fuck that. Women get all excited for small cars, but they're down on small men and small penises? Fucking women.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

I knew there was another reason I was looking forward to the pope dying: The Onion.
"Healthy as a horse." What's with that phrase? Not all horses are healthy. Some of them are so "healthy" that they have to be taken out back and shot. Then they get turned into glue. I'd rather be unhealthy, thanks.

Now, "strong like bull" I can kinda understand. Well, until he gets his nuts chopped off to make Rocky Mountain oysters. Probably doesn't feel too stong then. I know I wouldn't. Shit, I don't feel particularly strong with my nuts. Okay, bedtime.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Here's mine... It looks like Vietnam.

Sorry to drop a bad pun on you, but I read this earlier, and it had me seeing red. Seriously, any parent getting upset over this needs to have some red pens shoved in their goddamn eyes. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT RED INK, FUCKER?!

Should I be using color more in this 'blog? I think that could get annoying, and I'm not sure if that's a pro or a con.

Anyway, back to dumbass parents. Look, if your kid is getting all depressed because there's always a bunch of red ink all over their schoolwork after their teacher hands it back to them, maybe it's time to tell them to stop being so stupid. I mean, honestly. Can't we do anything any more that makes people feel bad? Even if the intentions are good? Which, of course, isn't as much fun as when the intentions are bad, but that's a discussion for another time.

"It's taken a turn from 'Here's what you need to improve on' to 'Here's what you've done right.'"

That right there is everything that's wrong with America. Or, at least, everything that's wrong with "optimism." By focusing on nothing but positives, you're never going to get anyone to work on the negatives. And then they'll just fester and explode on you someday. It's not pleasant having to deal with something you screwed up, but it has to be done if there's ever to be any growth. If you can't handle being told "you done fucked up" when you're young, then you will never survive in the adult world.

Am I saying that we should always focus on only the negatives because I'm a cynical bastard who likes that shit? No, of course not. It's just that focusing on the good stuff is easy, so it comes naturally. But you don't really improve on anything or learn anything by only looking at the silver lining.

You've been to Despair, Inc. before, haven't you? Their Demotivators collection is pretty much one of the best things ever,

"I don't think changing to purple or green will make a huge difference if the teaching doesn't go along with it."

Thank you... Even focusing on red ink is just -- again, sorry -- a red herring that's avoiding the real issues (like the issue that your kid is dumb). That there actually is one of the biggest problems with this country -- we never want to get to tackling the really hard issues, so we find something peripheral (like video games with violence or pornography with rape) and focus entirely on that. Meanwhile, we fail to get to the root cause of what we're discussing, and nothing ever gets better.
So I don't know if any of you heard this, but the pope died this past weekend. CNN apparently didn't get word of it until just recently, and even then it was a short blurb that I really had to dig for. I suppose this is what I get for continually saying that I just wanted the pope to die already. This is like Reagan fucking dying but on a global scale.

I was thinking, though, I really wish I could become pope. There's the obvious perk of having ultimate job security. Sure, I could end up old and broken down and totally fucked up like John Paul II, but if that were the case, you know what? I'd just quit. There was lots of talk about JP Two resigning recently, so it must be an option. I have never been one to be above copping out.

How cool would it be having tons of people kissing my ass and pretty much worshipping me? I know there are some hot Catholic bitches out there, and that'd be fucking neat. Then, of course, there's the whole Catholic schoolgirl thing, and we for sure would work that in there somehow. Or constantly.

I know what you're saying. "Dude, the pope doesn't get to have sex." And I'm like, yeah, how exactly does that differ from my life right now? Do they monitor the pope's internet usage? As long as I can download porn and masturbate chatting to "girls" on IRC, I'm good. I mean, what the hell are they gonna do? Tell me to stop? I'm the FUCKING POPE, and I can do whatever the hell I want. I could probably just make some papal decree saying that I get to download pr0n and fuck women, anyway.

Another great advantage would be having control over millions and millions of people. Sure, they're stupid people, but that would only serve to make fucking with them that much more fun. Once elected pope, I'd immediately begin the fucking in choosing my name. Something like Pope Liberal I. Or Pope Bimmer. Or, oh, this is the best -- Pope Queer.

That, of course, would be merely the beginning. Newly crowned Pope Queer would then proceed to require the Cardinals to shed their red robes and caps for pink ones. The next several years, and hopefully decades, of my reign would be spent destroying all of the things that Catholics apparently think are so great about their religion by doing things like allowing sex to be fun, advocating a stance that contraception and abortion aren't half bad ideas in a world with disease and already billions of people, pointing out that gays are normal human beings, and enforcing the notion that women are there to be more than just subservient to men (except for me). Oh, and if you're caught molesting choir boys, you die.

Oh, and don't even start in with me. "Roman Catholics don't think women are subservient!" Give me a fucking break. Anyone who does things like exclude women from clubs (priesthood) clearly views them as being below men. "So why is it that so many women are Catholic, you heathen shit?" Ummm, because they're dumb? Same goes for anyone who gets on board with a group that scorns who they are. And really, how can you get on board and stay on board with a group that is soft on pedophiles? Granted, I'm soft on pedophile jokes and am kind of a pedophile myself, but I have to draw the line at people who actually molest children. Assuming, of course, that the child didn't want it in the first place. See? Tasteless joke, but it didn't hurt anyone.

Okay, so for pretty much all the above mentioned stuff, not to mention the entire rest of my life, I will never get to be pope. But a man can dream, can't he?

All I can say is that the next pope had better not choose a lame-ass name. No, ETP, we're not getting a Pope Corky, no matter who gets tapped for a job. I just don't want to see another Pope Innocent. Out of all the Popes in history, I hate those motherfuckers the most. That, to me, is the same presumptuous, pretentious shit that leads people to name their daughters "Chastity" or "Charity" (although I do find it funny to think that once a girl named Chastity has sex, she's automatically a total failure in life). The popes who chose the name Pius also piss me off. No, it's not "pious," but it sounds the same and that annoys me. Pius can get in line right behind Innocent for a good cock punching. The next pope will be an ignorant fucker who has way too much influence over, well, everything, but all I ask is that he not choose a stupid name. Not like it matters, but I figure it's small enough that it's something I can reasonably hope for.

Just as a quick aside, I learned at least one new thing today. The guy who came just before John Paul II got to be pope for all of 33 days, which I found kinda interesting. Just some random trivia for 'ya, since we all know how useful that shit is.

I've also been re-acquainting myself with how fucking goofy religion is. Not just Catholicism or the rest of Christianity, but religion in general. Catholics are getting it bad now since they're at the plate, plus they always get it just because. But man, all of the stupid bullshit ceremonies and pageantries and centuries-old rituals that they have to go through with the passing of the pope is ridiculous. Having been to a Catholic wedding in my lifetime ("let us pray"), this comes as no surprise. But the litany of ceremonies and weird words and dumbass titles is just fucking retarded. How exactly does this get you closer to Jesus?

The other thing I find pathetic is all of the people who are really broken up over the pope dying. All over the world you have people praying and crying. And for what? Some guy you never knew? I've never understood this tendency to get upset over people you don't know. You know, I can see being a little bummed out, but bawling your eyes out? Grow the fuck up, would 'ya? Of course, I suppose if you actually grew up, you'd drop the whole religion thing to begin with.

So yeah, that's it. I just thought I'd counter the barrage of stupid pope crap with some of my own stupid crap.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

For some reason, I've either never heard of or don't remember this particular baseball story, but it's kinda amusing. Also, fuck April Fool's Day. Actually, I could care less about the day, especially since it gave us things like this. Actually what I'm trying to say is fuck Slashdot on April Fool's Day. It becomes impossible to tell what news is real and what isn't, and there comes a point in the day where the editors go apeshit and are posting stupid, unfunny crap every five minutes. I get enough of dorks thinking they're clever on that site without needing it fed to me at that rate.

Before you say "Hey, dummy, just don't read Slashdot on April 1," don't. You clearly do not understand Slashdot or its readers. Sure, it's full of annoying fuckheads whose biases and agendas are full well known (editors and commenters alike), but it's fucking addicting. Much like drinking, smoking, coffee, internet chatrooms, and any other kind of bad behavior you can think of that people engage in, it's a hard habit to break. The fucking site is updated several times a day with, well, news for nerds, and there are occasional nuggets of actual cleverness or good discussion. That still doesn't justify the bullshit that is April Fool's for Slashdot.
I found this BBC slide show on how they attach the space shuttle to its fuel tank and rocket boosters pretty neat. The physics, power, and engineering that go into doing that have got to be pretty amazing. I mean, just imagine your task being to design a system where your top priority is "Don't drop the space shuttle."
Okay, so the Pope finally died. That's probably for the better -- for all of us. How did you enjoy Pope Deathwatch 2005? Personally, it got a little old for me. I'm glad it's done with. And it's better for the Pope because he doesn't have to deal with all this poor health shit anymore. Plus he was dumb.

It's been a good week for Death. In addition to all the regular Joes Death has claimed recently, he had a hat trick with three high-profile deaths in a matter of only a few days. The Pope, Terri Schiavo, and Johnnie Cochran. I find it extra amusing that two of those three high-profile deaths were ones that the Christians really, really cared about. All that praying and other such nonsense, and they're gone. Where exactly is your god for you know, Christfuckers?

Now that the waiting for death phase is over in the Pope and Schiavo cases, we can all move on to the next phase of those abominations. It looks like the next several weeks are going to be a total load of bullshit pageantry for the Catholic Church, all leading up to the crowning of a new Pope. Then with the Schiavo ordeal, there's all the bullshit that we're going to have to put up with as a result of one person being allowed to finally die after 15 years of not really being alive.

Hopefully it won't be too long before the front page of CNN will be the normal, useless, crappy liberal media coverage I'm accustomed to reading and passing on to you people. No more updating the Pope's condition every six seconds. No more seeing that fucking picture of Terri Schiavo's mother kissing her or Terri Schiavo looking blankly into the camera. Look, I'm sorry, but I can only take so much of that. It's just not something I want to be looking at constantly. It's sad and all, but if I really wanted to see that much of that, I could just go to the produce section and stare at the cucumbers or something for awhile.

Look, I'm not totally insensitive to what went down there. Well, okay, I wasn[t insensitive (really), but I became pretty insensitive towards the parents there at the end. Obviously that's an awful thing for anyone to have to endure. But there was one day when it was looking pretty grim in terms of getting the tube re-inserted, and the dad said something to the effect of "Everyone who wanted my daughter to die is getting their wish." And it's like, fuck you, pal. No one wants her to die. I mean, well, we didn't want to want her to die, we just felt it was the most humane thing to do. But once you start saying bullshit like that, yeah, I kinda do want her to die.

I also liked all the "expert" discussion from people who said she wasn't in a persistent vegetative state, like Bill Frist who saw a video. Thanks, doc. Did anyone see pictures of her from before she suffered the brain damage? Compare those pictures to what we've been bombarded with for weeks, and tell me that there wasn't some serious goddamn damage there.

There are probably few if any things more awful for someone to have to go through than burying their child. But like I said above, Terri Schiavo's parents really pushed the limits of sympathy. Are you trying to keep her alive for her or for you? As was pointed out by someone on a local talk show, the parents had kinda lost it anyway. They always referred to "our child" or our little girl" or whatever -- for a 41-year-old woman. Doesn't seem like they were in the best state of mind over the whole affair, but I do suppose that's understandable.

In the end, though, it really is none of our business. For most of us, we just spouted our mouths off about it with no real harm done. Sure we look like assholes, but some of us are used to that already. Then there were all those dumb fuckers protesting in Washington and outside the hospice and wherever else. To those people, on either side of the debate, a hearty "fuck you." You people need to get lives, and this is coming from me. I remember seeing a picture of some guy completely unrelated to Terri Schiavo crying outside her hospice and it's like, man, kill yourself.

An extra big "fuck you" to congress, Democrats and Republicans alike. These dipshits went beyond mere commentary by getting involved, despite the fact that I don't know how many judges over the years had supposedly settled things. Democrats are getting it for not doing anything to even look like they were trying to stop this (as usual). Republicans are getting it for being pretty much the biggest hypocrites ever. What's the shit we always hear out of them? States rights! Sanctity of marriage! Except when we need to make some stupid point about Jesus. Fucking cocksuckers.