Saturday, May 14, 2005

Alright, so I sat through the series finale of Enterprise last night. Jolene "Big Lips" Blalock -- who has been very vocal about her unhappiness with things like the show's writing -- described the finale as "fucking appalling" in an interview. I'd describe it as... Fucking appropriate.

On Friday, they showed two episodes. The first one wasn't really any kind of lead-in to the second and final, so it wasn't like all the other recent Trek series that got the two-hour finale treatment. Clearly, after all that hard work they've been doing raping the franchise for the past four seasons, they couldn't be bothered to write a finale that big.

The sad thing about the finale was that it wasn't even an episode of Enterprise -- it was an episode of The Next Generation. I'm not kidding. It takes place at the same time as another Next Gen episode from season 7, "The Pegasus." In it, one of Riker's former captains, now an admiral, comes on board and starts a bunch of shit. Riker is all conflicted, torn between his duty to the chain of command and his loyalty to Picard, blah blah blah. In the finale of Enterprise, Riker is working through the issues of "The Pegasus" by fucking around on the holodeck.

Yup, the last episode of Enterprise isn't even real in a sense. That's pretty appropriate; it gets better (or worse, depending on your perspective).

In his little holodeck excursion, Riker is watching events taking place six years after the second-to-last episode of Enterprise. At this point, the ship is about to be decommissioned and the Federation charter is going to be signed. By watching and interacting with the holodeck recreation of all this shit, Riker is supposed to get some kind of insights into command. The whole ridiculous exercise is, naturally, Counselor Troi's idea. Counselor Troi, quite possibly the most worthless character in Star Trek (yes, he's hiding something, Deanna, thanks for the help), played perfectly by a shitty actress.

I love Next Gen and all, but yeah, a lot of the acting isn't exactly what you'd call a tour de force. Marina Sirtis definitely led the pack on that one. Jonathan Frakes was always pretty good, though; he played Riker perfectly. Nowadays, though, he is looking a little worse for wear. He's put on some weight, and throughout the whole Enterprise series finale, he just looked tired. They could have just gotten Jay-Z to play the part, because that guy always looks like he needs a nap. Sirtis, on the other hand, is just fucking decaying. She just looks scary now, although that's partly due to all the goddamn makeup they cake on her. So of course, you can imagine what's going on beneath that paint job.

As far as Enterprise goes, about the only character I really cared about was Trip Tucker, the Chief Engineer. Sad when the hick on the show is its best character, but he really was. He's the show's best character, so what do they do with him in the finale? They kill him off, of course! All that shit and Trip dies at the very end. How very... Appropriate.

The final moment of appropriateness came at the end, when Riker gets pretty much to the end of the saga. Scott Bakula is about to give his big speech to the gathering of delegates at the founding ceremony. Of course, we don't even get to see the speech, but that's par for the course. Right as he's about to start, Riker ends the holodeck program, saying that he was going to go talk to Captain Picard and tell him what he's been hiding from him. That's... Fucking bullshit. I just saw "The Pegasus" a couple weeks ago, and that's not how shit went down. Riker didn't suddenly go to Picard and come clean. He let Picard know what was going on at a critical moment in the episode when the information he had was suddenly vital to the ship's survival. There was no indication in the action leading up to that moment that he was planning to fess up.

Yes, I know, maybe Riker was on his way to talk to Picard and he got interrupted, blah blah blah. The point is, had the Enterprise writers not been so fucking lazy, maybe they could have made things fit in better. You know, maybe they could have watched "The Pegasus" instead of just saying "Hey, this sorta fits" and calling that good enough. Oh, and all of this really isn't a complaint, by the way; I'm happy that the Enterprise writers handled it in this manner. It goes along perfectly with their continual disregard for established story lines. It was one final "fuck you" to continuity.

Star Trek is off the air now, for the first time in forever, and I'm very sad to say that I'm very happy about that. I didn't think it could get worse than Voyager, but oh yes it could, and it did. The powers that be who are in charge of the franchise are indicating that it will be years before Trek is back on TV, so that's good (assuming the time is used to come up with some new ideas for Trek, if that's even possible). Rick Berman supposedly has an idea for a new movie which sounds like total shit, but hopefully they don't let him do that. I would think that it's pretty unlikely after how poorly Nemesis did, plus it sounds like Trek has fallen out of favor over at Paramount. I guess being the first Trek series cancelled in over 35 years will do that to you.
I wish Shao Khan were here so that he could say "outstanding."

Friday, May 13, 2005

I hope the new Assbox is good. As much as I dislike Microsoft, I have to admit, they did a pretty good job with the XBox. It beats the shit out of the GayStation and LameCube, that's for sure. Actually, maybe I should be hoping that XBox 2 sucks ass so that I don't have to spend money on it since, yeah. And for fuck's sake, could they have come up with a stupider name? Probably, which is sad.
What is this stupid "word verification" thing that's showing up (seemingly at random) at the bottom of the create post form on Blogger? Are they worried that I'm going to set up a bot to automatically shit out tons and tons of posts without my knowledge or something? I can't be bothered to go and research what fucking crap is up with Blogger now.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Everyone knows that I hate bumperstickers. I don't care what kind of dog you have. I don't care who you voted for. I don't care if you're pro-choice or pro-life. I hate all of you dipshits even if I'm on your side. I know what I believe, and you're wrong.

Another thing I hate is vanity plates. I just don't see the fucking point, other than, once again, you think that you are way cooler than you actually are. But seriously, you're retarded, and your vanity plate isn't cute or funny or clever. I'll bet a bunch of these fucks are Christians, too. We say "vanity," but that's really just a form of pride, one of the seven deadly sins. Other than knowing that they would be burning in Hell over a license plate if any of that stupid bullshit was true, there's one other thing that does amuse me with those dumbass plates. I'll bet there comes a point when the person with their plates -- which they thought were so bloody special -- realizes just how lame they really are. Not only does their car have something dumb emblazoned on it for the rest of the world to see, but they're stuck with it unless if they go through the effort of having it changed.

And before you ask, yes, I considered getting vanity plates for the Bimmer. I was tempted to get something that had "ZHP" in it, but in the end, I didn't go for it.

I did see a couple of vanity plates that I had to give a slight bit of credit to this past weekend. One read "1IN1E6." At first I just ignored it. Then I was like, what the fuck does that mean? I thought about it for a second. Okay, 1IN -- one in. 1E6? Uhhhh... Oh yeah, one times ten to the sixth. One million. One in a million. Yeah, it's fucking stupid, but I don't think I've ever seen (intentional) scientific notation on a license plate before, so that gets a point or two.

The other plate I saw simple read "PUKE." Yup, that's it -- PUKE. It wasn't even an atrociously shitty car or anything, just this late-model blue Honda Civic that was in good condition. ETP suggested that maybe the name of the guy driving the car was Puke, pronounced "Pooh-kay." I'm guessing it wasn't. Puke.
So back in the day, I used to post. A lot. As a result, the main column of my front page was huge. It more than easily dwarfed all the crap on the sidebar. That isn't happening anymore, so a change has been needed for quite some time. I clearly couldn't get rid of the contact info, because oh-so-many people have gotten in touch with me. I'm not going to remove the guestbook or its links, because we know what a bastion of enlightenment that has been (and will continue to be). Remove the J-List ads? Nope. Sellout. Can't get rid of the "Praise" section just because. I'm not changing my archiving frequency, even though monthly makes more sense for current posting frequencies.

So you know what suffers? Well, more specifically, who: the readers. I long since gave up on trying to keep up with the handful of new linkers that show up every now and then. By the time Technorati got their shit together and made it feasible again, I just didn't care. But that list I had already built up has gotten fucking intractible, so it has come time to clean a lot of those links out. Not all of them, but quite a few. For anyone getting dropped, don't think of this as, ah, you know what? Fuck it. I think we're all much more comfortable with me just leaving things at "ungrateful bastard."

But like I said, they're not all gone. Some 'blogs have kind of an emeritus status thanks to their owners for one reason or another. Some 'blogs stick around just because I like the title. Yes, as always, I'm playing some favorites. Aside from that nonsense, my main policy from here on out is to put 'blogs up there for linkers who actually contribute to this shitpile I call Fuck everything in the form of comments, e-mails, whatever. I tried to remember people who have commented or done something in fairly recent memory, but there's a chance that I may have forgotten some shit since my memory's not what it used to be. You know, they say that masturbation will cause hair to grow on your palms, but apparently it causes hair to grow on your brain.

If for some reason you actually care and you're all bent that you got removed unfairly, feel free to make your case. Don't worry, sucking my dick isn't as bad as it might initially sound.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

This is just another chapter in the story of the biggest fucking cocktease ever. I'll bet you it's not even funny when/if it comes back.