Saturday, July 16, 2005

March of the dumbfucks, Pt. 2

Okay, so there was one more part about "Only" that I completely forgot to rip on. I know it's pretty fucking weak that I A) forgot and B) still felt the need to get this out here, but fuck it (I said "butt fuck"). If Trent -- the real Trent -- could release "March of the Pigs" as a two-part single then I think I can get away with this. Just think of it as Halo 2 in my series of reviews as to why Trent Reznor eats balls now.

Here's the verse in question:

There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no FUCKING you
There is only me
There is no FUCKING you
There is only me


I know, it's poignant. What really stands out, though, is when Trent starts screaming the word "fucking." There is absolutely no life in it. It's like he put that in there just out of obligation. "You know, I haven't screamed fuck yet. I should do that." It's so completely empty -- even emptier than it used to be. And you know what? Trent isn't even getting any enjoyment out of using the F word.

I just made this post up, to hurt myself.
Speaking of dangers to kids, we definitely don't want to get them into any kind of dangerous behaviors like reading. Okay, the fact that it gets kids reading aside, this Harry Potter shit has got to stop. Anyone, anywhere, getting too excited over anything -- be it football, Harry Potter, some shitty band, Star Trek (shit, especially Star Trek), whatever -- needs to be stopped. I've had it with this. You really need to go out late at night in a stupid costume to pick up a book that will still be available in the morning? Look, I can even get on board with staying up late to spend money, but the other nonsense is right out.

So I've heard the movies are decent. I've heard from other people who aren't five that the books are an entertaining read. I might see the movies some day if I get around to it, but I don't think I'm going to be reading the books anytime soon. And no matter what, if I find myself dressing in some stupid costume over Harry Potter, it's all over.

... said Katrine Skovgaard, 18...

And no, I'm still not interested.

Rowling is now the richest woman in Britain, with a fortune estimated by Forbes magazine at $1 billion.

Yes, and rumor has it that she's started noticing boys, too.

"I am always disappointed when publishers sell books directly to the consumer, bypassing their retail partners," said Mitchell Kaplan, president of the American Booksellers Association. "Selling it at a discount makes it more frustrating."

Fuck you, asshole. God forbid things should actually work out in favor of the consumer every once in awhile, you greedy prick. Why don't you just come out and say "I hate it when we lose money."

Amazon reported that advance orders of the "adult" edition, which bears a more muted cover than the children's version...

This threw me for a second. Nevermind the fact that there's an adult version of a children's book -- the fact that the adult version is the more muted one didn't make sense to me until I thought about it.

Amazon.co.uk has a secure 200,000-square-foot warehouse to pack the books.

See, this is fucking ridiculous. They're goddamn books -- for children, no less -- not launch codes or spent fuel rods or strains of some super-virus that will turn your vital organs into liquid shit.

Pope Benedict XVI told her in letters written in 2003, when he was Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, that the books "deeply distort Christianity in the soul."

Hey, so is the goddamn pope dead yet? I can't wait for that guy to eat it.

Friday, July 15, 2005

So I'm guessing that someone is over-compensating for the fact that he masturbates thinking of and/or looking at 9-year-old boys. This gem was, not surprisingly, in response to my post on that 11-year-old girl who pitched a perfect Little League game. I don't normally respond to comments in this manner, but one as insightful as this one deserves further study.

I think you are sick...

Thanks for nothing, asshole. If you'd have shown up way earlier, you could have saved me the trouble of finding a therapist.

... and just to let you know if you run a google search on pedo's you come up.

First off, I think you want to say "pedos," not "pedo's." Will you people learn to get fucking apostrophes correct? Yes, there are some cases that I even have trouble with, but this is not one of them. I can tell that Mr. Shae is not trying to imply ownership of anything, nor is he trying to form some kind of contraction.

I went and did a Google search for "pedos," "pedophile, "pedophiles," and even "pedophile blog." I didn't show up on the first several pages of any of those searches, so if you were to find me in any of those lists, you'd have to dig pretty fucking deep. Assuming that you actually did perform such a search, that also leads me to question: did you do this check after finding my page, or did you find my page as a result of doing one of these searches? If it was the latter, hmmmm, I wonder what kind of search you were doing that brought you here? I doubt it could be related to the kind of search that normally brings one here. And before you ask, this was unfortunately gone from my referral list before I got a chance to check it out. Damn you free Sitemeter!

... 11 year old girls are just girls...

No they're not. Sure, some of them are just girls, but some of them are girls who can pitch a perfect game. There's a difference.

... not something for you to jerk off too...

"To," not "too," fuckhole. God, if you're going to call my ass down, learn to use the proper words and punctuation, you dipshit. Now, to your point: who made you Grand Decisioner of What People Can and Cannot Jerk Off Too (sic)? Depending on your local laws, yes, there are bounds to where you can and cannot jerk off, and restrictions on what what witnesses you may have to the deed. But no matter how unsavory it might be, you can think about whatever you want when you wax your carrot. I don't see anyone giving you a hard time about those little boys you seem to enjoy so much. Well, except for me, but you started it.

... you faggot... go to hell and rot you peice of faggot shit

"I" before "e," dumbass. Using the word "faggot" not once but twice in reference to me seems to be implying that this guy thinks I'm a homosexual. But let's break this down. He's accusing me (me!) of masturbating to 11-year-old girls. Girls. I'm a guy. Allegedly masturbating over girls. I dunno, but that doesn't sound too faggoty to me. There are plenty of other things you could call it, but gay isn't one of them.

Thinking about it, though, maybe Shae is just a concerned guy. He's worried about sick fucks like me harming children. And let's face it, I am a danger. I rarely leave the house except for work where I am surrounded by men. When I do go out, I seek to avoid as much contact as I can with outsiders. I stand 5'3" and weigh somewhere in the neighborhood of 130 lbs. Basically, I'm a brick shithouse. Either that, or, quite a few kids are already as tall as me by the time they're 11. It should be pretty easy for me to overpower them, that's for sure. And it's not like it would be easy for them to simply kick or punch me in the nuts when I try and pull something, even if they're small. Oh, and then there's the fact that once I abduct them, I'll be driving off in my red fucking BMW, which surely, no one will notice.

But yeah, Shae could just be a concerned citizen. Maybe a dad to an 11-year-old himself. Well, with refined rhetoric such as his, I sure as hell hope he's not a parent. I'm gonna get him one of these Onion t-shirts just in case. And you know what? What kinda name is Shae, anyway? Sounds kinda fruity to me.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

If we lived in Scranton, we'd literally be going apeshit right about now.
I mean, here, let me give you an idea how jaded I am with these goddamn searches:

let me fuck your little horse

As I started reading this line, I first processed "let me fuck your little." Before I got to the end of the line, I was already thinking "I know how this one ends." I was pleasantly surprised to see "horse" at the end, however, in place of what I was expecting. That's where I'm at with my referral list now; horsefucking is a pick-me-up. Actually, if you think about it, this search is just plain funny.
Google search:

Newsradio AND adequacivity

Thankfully, I get the occasional Google hit that makes me smile.

March of the dumbfucks

While we're on the subject of shitty music, bullshit teenage angst, and things being better when you're angry, I need to talk about Nine Inch Nails. I'm sure it will come a no huge surprise that I was a big NIN fan back in high school. You know, when I was all pissed and depressed, but that was acceptable because that's what teenagers do. Trent Reznor's screaming fit in quite nicely with life at that age. Pretty Hate Machine is pretty much a blueprint for my relationship with my first girlfriend, and that should tell you a lot about me right there. I can't listen to the song "Something I can never have" because I will literally start crying. But this isn't about me; this is about Trent.

Now, Trent Reznor was never what we would call lyrically gifted. "I wanna fuck you like an ANIMAL!!!!" That's real deep, Trent. So yeah, NIN's lyrics were pretty shallow, but they served a purpose. Set against the backdrop of a bunch of noise that sounded pretty good, and it worked. It was what it was, especially for dumbass kids like I was. I'm still somewhat of a dumbass kid, of course, so the old stuff still sounds pretty good. Ignoring "Something I can never have," it doesn't quite resonate with me like it did, but that's life. We've all gotta grow up (more or less) sometime.

Now, when I say "old stuff," I'm talking "The Perfect Drug" and prior work. "Perfect Drug" wasn't even quite up to par -- a little too poppy, I felt -- but it still worked. The Fragile, on the other hand, sucked. I bought it out of some kind of ridiculous obsessive-compulsive obligation just because I had all the Halos up to that point, but I was so pissed at the album that I've never actually listened to the second disc of my copy.

I thought I remember hearing that prior to The Fragile, Trent got happy and shit. That clearly is not conducive to good music.

Enter With Teeth, which is more of the same that we got with the last album, in that it's fucking weak. The title alone is pure bullshit. As ETP put it, spooky language! I haven't listened to all of the album yet, and like with anything else, I'm going to act like I'm still on firm ground to criticize. Oh and I am, because all we need is Exhibit A: Track #8, "Only."

I like this track a lot. Not because I'm laughing with it, though, but because I'm laughing at it. The production work is kind of catchy. Not what one would expect from NIN, the NIN of old, that is. Trent really isn't singing on this track, he's kinda just talking throughout the whole thing. The song is done John McCrea style, and the world will never be complete unless if Cake does a cover of "Only." But let's continue with why "Only" really epitomizes how bad NIN sucks now. Here's a sample line:

Less concerned... About fitting into the world
Your world that is


Whoa-ho, step back! That has got to be the worst fucking lyric EVER. What kind of oh-woe-is-me, I'm-only-14 kind of mentality does it take to write that kind of schlock? I would be willing to bet that Trent stayed up all night thinking that one up, too. I know I said that Trent's lyrics were never exactly hard-hitting, but Jesus. Then there's this:

I just made you up to hurt myself
And it worked
Yes it did!


I just made you up to hurt myself? Way to go, Trent, you bullshit in-denial tough guy. I just made you up to hurt myself? What? And you know, I can't really drive home the significance of the "Yes it did!" line -- you need to listen to it yourself and hear Trent's delivery in order to understand the hilarity. More:

The tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be scab and I had this funny feeling
Like I just knew it was something bad


Trent, you played the "tiniest little dot" card back with "Down in it" when you still kicked ass instead of fucked ass, so leave it alone, will 'ya?

There was about an 80-year lull between The Downward Spiral and The Fragile. We kept lamenting, "When is Trent gonna release a new, full album?" All the singles and remixes and shit were great, but we wanted something totally new. Well, the wait wasn't worth it. It'd be better if I could convince myself that I just made The Fragile and With Teeth up to hurt myself, but I didn't. Maybe the problem is that I outgrew all that when I turned 16, or maybe the problem is that Trent Reznor isn't good anymore, and he hasn't been for a long time.

I started listening to some of the other tracks on With Teeth one day, but I was like, fuck it, I'll get to this later. I'm sure I'll be listening to the full album in all its shit-glory real soon, now.

In conclusion, if you think that Nine Inch Nails is still good, you're wrong. If you ever thought that NIN was really deep and poignant, you were always wrong.

Hello, my name is: Fermat's Last Theorem

I haven't posted anything in a few days, so I'm going to make up for it by making fun of some readers. I got an e-mail several days ago from someone who had the lyrics to a song they figured I would like. The song is "Surfacing" by Slipknot. Here are the lyrics to said song:

FUCK YOU ALL!

Running out of ways to run
I can't see, I can't be
Over and over and under my skin
All this attention is DOING ME IN!

FUCK IT ALL! FUCK THIS WORLD!
FUCK EVERYTHING THAT YOU STAND FOR!
DON'T BELONG! DON'T EXIST!
DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
DON'T EVER JUDGE ME!

Picking through the parts exposed
Taking shape, taking shag
Over and over and under my skin
All this MOMENTUM is DOING ME IN!

FUCK IT ALL! FUCK THIS WORLD!
FUCK EVERYTHING THAT YOU STAND FOR!
DON'T BELONG! DON'T EXIST!
DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
DON'T EVER JUDGE ME!
and dont you fuckin judge me

You got all my love, livin' in your own hate
Drippin' hole man, hard step, no fate
Show you nuthin', but I ain't holdin' back
Every damn word I say is a sneak attack
When I get my hands on you
Ain't a fucking thing you can do
Get this cuz you're never gonna get me
I am the very disease you pretend to be

I am the push that makes you move (x4)

FUCK IT ALL! FUCK THIS WORLD!
FUCK EVERYTHING THAT YOU STAND FOR!
DON'T BELONG! DON'T EXIST!
DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
DON'T EVER JUDGE ME!


First thing we need to get out of the way: Slipknot sucks. I mean, horribly. I didn't even know they were still around, and my life was better when I thought that. Now, the guy who e-mailed me the lyrics to the song was just trying to be nice. I'll acknowledge that. But he still needs to be called out. Him and anyone else who thinks that just throwing around the word "fuck" and a bunch of random anger is the key to "getting" me. Well, it isn't.

You see, I don't just use the word "fuck" -- and other words and phrases like "cunt," "shit," "bullshit," "cocksucker," "ass," "asscock," "asshole," "assface," "dipshit," "bitch," "motherfucker," "soulless cocksucker," "pussy," "poontang," and "crapweasel," to name a couple -- just because I think it's all cute and clever. No, words like "fuck" are a tool to me, and I use them in my craft of writing.

The same goes for anger. I don't get pissed just for the sake of getting pissed. The anger doesn't come from nowhere, and I don't just throw it about willy-nilly. My anger has a purpose. It has meaning and direction. Much like my foul language, my anger is a tool.

Okay, if those last two paragraphs weren't the biggest load of shit, then I don't know what is. Try as I might (and I'm not), I can't convince myself of that. But shitty musical acts like Slipknot? They think that there's a higher purpose to their swearing and teenage angsty bullshit. Clearly, I just like saying bad words. Sure, I like that it pisses some people off, but the main attraction there is that cussing is fun. Always has been, always will be. When it comes to anger, yeah, I'm an angry guy. I have a bad temper. I pretty much idle at "pissed." But for some reason, that paradoxically makes me happy. All the anger, since it's mostly not taken too seriously, is just entertainment. In fact, if I ever found myself truly happy, I think I'd fucking kill myself.

I guess I can see how people would get the wrong idea. Just like I can see how I get the majority of my hits from Google pedos. But a the wrong idea is still a wrong idea. There is more to me than just swearing and getting mad. Not much more, I'll admit, but there is more. Oh, and you definitely need to stop thinking you're so fucking clever, like "matt aka the guy" in entry #73 of the guestbook. If you actually think that I hate myself and am going to kill myself (barring that whole truly happy thing, of course), you are A) stupid and B) setting yourself up for disappointment. Oh, and if you think that you and I are alike, well, you're probably once again wrong.

So yeah, if you're just here because you think it's really funny to see "fuck" in print a lot or you enjoy raging against machines, then you're probably not as in tune with me as you think you are. Don't worry, though, some of you guys can float, it's just that for the most part, the genre sucks. I'll put it another way: if you're not taking things too seriously, you might be able to comprehend the full spectrum of wanton cruelty and sadistic glee that is what I call, "The Bitter Little Man Experience."

As per usual, I can't resist ripping off a joke from somewhere else. While I'm driving away the few legitimate readers I've got (even though this really isn't geared towards them, unless if they're someone like "matt aka the guy," that guy who e-mailed me Slipknot, or g-raf), I have another question. What is it with you fuckheads who link to me, but you will actually censor the word "fuck" in your link? It's okay to lead people to a page that's plastered with swear words, one that you apparently visit yourself, but you can't bring yourself to put the word fuck on your own page? Oh, what, you're too good for that? As a side note, this doesn't quite apply to anyone who links me as "Bitter Little Man" -- I'd say it's acceptable to link me by the name I'm known as, as opposed to the title of my page (okay, it's still kind of a cop-out, but nowhere near as egregious to me). But if you're going to link by the blog's name, quit being such a little candy ass, will 'ya?

So in conclusion: no one gets me. Boo-hoo.