Saturday, August 20, 2005

Yay for Crypty!

Time to hit the head... Or get some.

Don't get excited, the crux of this post has absolutely nothing to do with getting blown. Yahoo search:

fuck in WC rooms

This gave me a great idea. I want to create a shitty teen drama for television, and I'll call it The WC.

"High five... Love head."
- Dane Cook
Google search:

terminator fetishes

Can this be any more involved than saying "I'll be back" once you pull out? Or maybe you turn yourself into a silvery liquid when you climax -- that might be kinda cool. Either way, if Agent Doggett were to show up while I was having sex (since I'm having so much of it), I'd be pissed. Richard Patrick's brother sucks.

Monday, August 15, 2005

There is seemingly no bound to the levels of hypocrisy and general dickheadedness that the religious right is capable of.

America's most powerful judges are "unelected, unaccountable and arrogant," Focus on the Family founder James Dobson told the thousands of people...

Unelected, unaccountable, and arrogant? Yeah, that doesn't sound like anyone else involved in this debate that we could name.

"All wisdom does not reside in nine persons in black robes."

Thanks, Tom, because clearly it does not reside with you.

The court is trying to "take the hearts and souls of our culture."

As opposed to what you're trying to do.

Fuck you pieces of shit. Oh, boo hoo, somebody disagrees with us and we can't have everything exactly our way, so we're going to bitch and moan and hold rallies until we get what we want. What a bunch of fucking children. Childish ideas, childish behavior. I mean, "Justice Sunday II"? That sounds like a wrestling special on Pay-Per-View, and it certainly doesn't sound like a gathering of enlightened adults. It's sad that you people are so far on the right with your bullshit that other Jesus lovers are saying things that I find myself in agreement with:

Rita Nakashima Brock, founder of Faith Voices for the Common Good, said "Justice Sunday II" was calling for a theocracy instead of democracy.

Yup, and...

"Those people meeting with Tom DeLay, Chuck Colson and Jim Dobson think they own the Bible and that God speaks only to them."

Yup. These far right fuckers should be put to sleep, not be left standing in a position of power and influence.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Okay, so I don't talk a whole lot of sports here because, despite being a guy, I don't care. For the 3,785th year in a row, baseball season is over early. At least the Cubs didn't give it any kind of a seemingly real shot before tanking like a couple of years ago, and other than a winning streak a couple of months back that gave us hope they pretty much just tanked. Football has pretty much been over since John Elway and Terell Davis left (yes, for those unfamiliar, I follow Chicago baseball and Denver football). Mike Shannahan is not the genius we once thought he was, as like all "great" coaches he was just a decent coach with Hall of Fame players. Jake Plummer is not going to get shit done for us, but I do want to have this conversation some day:

Me to some other fuck: They call him Jake... The Snake.
Jake Plummer: Nobody calls me that.

As ETP has pointed out, I still amusingly end up knowing a lot about what's going on in the sports world. Not because I care, but because I learn all kinds of minutiae from listening to Jim Rome. Actually, I haven't been listening much lately, either because I'm always getting up too late or because I keep forgetting about the show. Then there's the fact that Rome is on his yearly vacation streak right now, having taken two two-week vacations recently. And hey, that's fair. As he said, he took two weeks off, he worked for three, so it's time for another two weeks off. Anyway, I really don't care to listen when there's someone guest hosting. I am pretty pissed that I missed the Sklar brothers guest hosting recently, because those guys are funny. Maybe I should tune in sometime when Andrew Siciliano is guest hosting, though, because he might be funny. Here were a couple of nuggets that they had posted on JFR's site from the most recent show which Siciliano hosted. Here was his comment on Terell Owens:

"T.O. needs to shut his mouth and play football."

There are a lot of things that can, and have, been said about Terell (again, pronounce it Tuh-rell, not Tear'll, because that pisses him off) Owens, but this is the simplest and most succinct. I don't know much about what goes on in the NFL, but I do know that Owens is a fucking dipshit. There's no doubt that the guy plays well and plays fucking hard -- I mean the man re-habbed a broken leg in like three days to come back and be an actual contributor for his team in the Super Bowl. But man, not a day goes by where it's not some stupid bullshit coming from him. Oh, and he believes in God and Jesus and stuff, so that makes him even stupider.

Then there was this from Siciliano:

Jim Rome will be back in the Jungle on Monday and somebody called during Friday's show and said, "Andrew, this is the first time I've ever gotten through. Thanks for taking my call."

I wonder if it really counts. Like we're still doing the show, but does it really count if you get on the air and Jim Rome isn't here? Can you say you actually made it through? Does it really count if Romey isn't here?

Some people consider it a badge of honor to be able to get on the Jim Rome Show, but I'm filling in and my name isn't Jim Rome.

Isn't this like pulling a prank on the substitute teacher? Does it even count?

Some poor schmuck is all happy that he finally got on the air, and Siciliano just totally takes a dump all over it. That's funny.

Yes, I've been swimming in raw sewage... I love it!

Okay, so I was just looking around the Crocs website, and I came across this model, which is still unacceptable -- ugly is ugly. Get yourself some real fucking shoes. Then there was this customer testimonaial on the page:

"We just went to Cozumel, Mexico and we were hit by Hurricaine Emily. We had to evacuate our hotel before it hit & knew that our Crocs would be our best protective & most comfortable shoe. We were in a hurricane shelter for 2 days & 2 nights & never took our Crocs off except to sleep. The conditions were awful with no running water or toilet facilites & the bathroom floors were covered with overflow from the toilets. But we were known around the shelter as "that Croc family". Most of the Americans had never seen Crocs or heard of them before that horrific incident. We were asked at least once an hour where we got our Crocs & where they could get some. I, of course, proudly told them to got to the Crocs website & did a little promotional all about our Crocs. We were so blessed to have worn them & they even saved my feet from a 2 inch piece of glass that I pulled out of the sole of my Croc, but it never went through to my foot. When we finally made it home, I threw them in the washing machine, shined them up & they look great. Through it all they protected our feet from every kind of danger in the streets, kept us cooler, & even with the bathroom conditions the way they were, they never smelled. Thank you for Crocs, We Love Them."

Wow, nothing says "I want some of those ugly pieces of shit" like thinking about actual pieces of shit all over the bathroom floor. And you know, they have a bunch of holes in them, and they pretty much just slip on. I don't see that keeping your feet very clean once that, uh, overflow gets too deep or starts splashing around. And when you got home, you just washed them? You were traipsing around in other people's piss and shit, and you put them in your suitcase and then brought them home and put them in the washing machine? Your family is disgusting. Personally, I would have set them on fire and left them back in Mexico. Assuming, of course, that I had been dumb enough to buy them in the first place, which I wouldn't have been.

What kind of idiot lets themselves and their family get stuck in a hurricane, anyway? I wouldn't take shit from hurricanes -- I would punch every hurricane in the face.
Speaking of racist jokes...

Also, for my money, there's not much that's funnier than this week's "New Distressed Jeans Feature Broken-In Cameltoe," which I'm preserving here for posterity's sake:

What I find myself wondering is, did they just have some fun with Photoshop on that one, or did they actually find someone wearing jeans like that?

Yes, people who wear Polo are a race

Hey, if you're gonna get going with the soft racism jokes, may as well go the full nine and not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.

So I just got racially profiled by GMail. The ad it was giving me at the top of the main mail index just a few minutes ago was for While I have talked about the Power of the Horse here on the 'blog, I don't know if I have any Ralph-related e-mail threads in there. I'm guessing it saw stuff like my BMW CCA mailing list messages and thought, hey, this guy likes blowing money on excess, so he must like Polo. GMail is always thinking. And of course, it's totally right. Like I've mentioned before with the Spam index, when I go there I want to barf, and GMail, always thinking, puts that link up above for some disgusting SPAM casserole idea.

I would be OK with the spam I get if it was more targeted like this. Sure, it's kind of a creepy invasion of privacy, but do you know what kind of information credit card companies keep on you? I don't know the details, but someone I knew who had visited American Express simply described their databases as "scary." Since we have no privacy anyway, I may as well get junk e-mails for shit that I might actually care about. I think I've made it pretty clear that I'm fine with my small dick and the volume of my ejaculations, so you're never going to get anywhere with that. Send me more shit about The Horse, and when I say "The Horse" I mean the one stitched onto my shirt, not the one supposedly in some s!ut's pssuy.

I now expect to wake up tomorrow to a shitload of e-mails from Ralph, in addition to all the ejaculation and porn ones I already get.