Friday, August 26, 2005

Google search:

blm fucking

That is one of the only things that I can guarantee you won't be hearing about here. Oh, if it were to happen, you'd probably hear about it, but it's not happening so you won't. You're more likely to hear about the BLM fucking than this BLM doing any fucking.
Google search:


As you may recall, Prosilon is one of those herbal supplements for enhancing male sexual performance. Dick pills. This, too, is not an interesting search when you take it on its face. What's interesting -- or disturbing -- is that the hit for it came from Look, I know it's difficult getting the pandas to fuck and make some cute baby pandas, but leave them alone.

"If they wanna fuck, they will; if not, they'll watch The Price is Right!"
- Carlin

Thursday, August 25, 2005

I just discovered today that Jay Mohr is writing column for SI's website. It started out as him filling in for someone on vacation, but apparently it's a regular gig now (new columns on Wednesdays). I found the ones on golf and team websites to be particularly amusing.
Google search:

smoke detector won't stop beeping low battery

Okay, I have officially had it with internet people. It's bad enough with the lazy fucks who want someone else to tell them the best way to masturbate, even though that's something totally subjective that you can only figure out for yourself. Yes, this is rhetorical, but what are you, some kind of fucking idiot? You already know the root cause of the beeping; FIX IT. Are you expecting Google to come and replace the batteries for you? Google is on a mad quest for world domination, and I wouldn't be surprised if they have some kind of service at some point for replacing your smoke detector batteries, but according to the rumor mill on Slashdot that's not coming out until next week.

Speaking of Slashdot, I'm wondering just how big and far-flung Google will have to become before Slashfuckers stop fellating that company. Hey, I'm fine with Google, but they are really pushing themselves into everything. Anytime Microsoft so much as passes a little gas, you have Slasholes frothing at the mouth over how bad and evil MS is. And hey, MS sucks, their OS sucks, and they're evil. Because they're a corporation; that's what corporations do. Google is a corporation, too, and their bottom line is the same as everyone else's -- money.

But Microsoft has used monopolistic practices! Google does it right! Yeah, I've had it with the whole monopoly thing. Every company publicly says "Oooh, monopoly bad, competition good!" But if any single company could become a monopoly in their industry and get away with it, you know they'd fucking go for it. Being a monopoly is fucking sweet. I'm not saying that justifies doing it, but that's the reality. So I don't really fault Microsoft for that; they were just doing what everyone wants to do -- it's just that they were smart enough to pull it off. And as far as Google "doing it right," quit being so fucking naive. They're pushing so many services now (the latest being their instant messenger, Google Talk) that "insidious" is the best word I can use to describe it. And I have no qualms with that, either -- they're doing what they've gotta do. But quit acting like they're all sweet and innocent, because they answer to stockholders and the almighty dollar, just like everyone else does.

"Fuck this game!"
- Dane Cook
Google search:

"Real Men Love Jesus" Christian T-shirts

As opposed to "Real Men Love Jesus" Islamic t-shirts. This search isn't interesting in and of itself, but the fact that it ends up at this post is pretty funny. Some good Christian is looking for a shirt to express their love of Him, and they find a post talking about how gay it is for men to love Christ (with the gay part, of course, not being bad, but the hypocrisy) and then seeing my desire for a "Real Men Fuck Corpses" bumper sticker. Because that's what you're doing if you love Jesus, I mean really love him, if you know what I mean. And if you don't know what I mean, I'm talking about fucking dead people. We determined a long time ago that Mormons are dog fuckers, and now it's settled that the rest of Christianity is a bunch of necrophiliacs.

Back in high school, there was this dipshit who I hated who had a "Real Men Love Jesus" sticker in the window of his car. It was some shitty like 1990 Mitsubishi Eclipse, and I think it was dark purple in color. See, if that's not gay, I don't know what is. Get some fucking consistency, dipshit. The reason why I really hated this guy, though, was because his girlfriend was really hot on top of the fact that he was some kind of a moron. I guess I can take plenty of consolation, though, because if he really was all Xtian and shit, it's not like he was boning her or anything. Especially not since he was gay. And if she's into dumbass corpse fuckers, it's not like I'd get along with her anyway (as opposed to everyone else that I do get along with), but having some kind of solid relationship with her obviously wasn't what was on my mind. I mean, a solid relationship was what I was thinking, but I'm going on way too long with this.

As if that's stopped me before. I also said "long."

"I'd say anything to get in your pants."
- Bill Maher to Christine O'Donnell, president of SALT, some Xtian organization, and a total uptight bitch who was pretty hot
Alright, so the sailor schoolgirl site is kinda hosed at the moment. When I saw that traffic numbers were a little low (a mere 1,500 or so hits yesterday), I was like, shit, is one of the indexes down? And sure enough, not one, but two of them were fucked. Thanks, Angelfire assholes. They just periodically decide that some of my indexes are in violation of their terms of service -- of course, they can't even be bothered to send you an auto-generated form e-mail saying why you got shut down. Or that you were shut down at all. This is the kind of service I'm paying zero dollars for? What a bunch of shit.

Irritatingly, Index 1 (the "main" page) was one of the ones that got canned, along with Index 2. Index 1 is back up and running at the above-linked URL; I'll get 2 back online at some point. I really need to get my shit together and just pay for some hosting at some point, but of course, I'm trying to cut back on the frivolous bullshit expenditures, unless if it's for the house or car (that doesn't exactly make it good, but c'mon -- I need decent furniture and good stuff to clean my car with). If I do go with a real hosted site, I'm thinking of going with Doteasy at this point. Two packages under $10 a month, and with the "expensive" one offering 20GB and unlimited bandwidth, that's practically free. I dunno how good they are as a service, but they seemed to serve The Crapmaster fairly well.

Another thing holding me back from setting up a decent site that shouldn't be in as much danger of getting shut down is the fact that I've got some street cred with the Angelfire sites, and if I put together something new, I might have to do some rebuilding of those traffic numbers (but probably not). Go do a Google image search for some of the girls I have galleries of -- I am the source on a lot of them. I come up so high in image searches that the other night when I was wondering if I had a gallery of this one model, I didn't go to my website and scan through the list -- I just did an image search, and when I didn't show at the top of the results, I knew I didn't have a gallery of her.

I was actually thinking of updating the site tonight until I checked traffic and saw that something was awry. Maybe I will someday soon for those who give a shit; as always, I'll post something here if there's a new hottie to beat off over.

More of my opinions you don't really care about

Really, I could make that the title of any post here, or of the blog itself if the title wasn't better than everything, but I digress...

So thinly veiled, legally sanctioned child pornography anime all but fell off the radar. Mainly because, it had to. After getting the house and the car, there was no way that I could sustain, well, anything. Forget two summers ago where it was fucking insane and I was buying toys and DVDs left and right. No, I had to pretty much cut myself off from everything once The Ultimate Driving Machine showed up (a tradeoff, as you know, that I was happy to make). I simply stay away from all of the toy sites that I used to frequent. I don't do periodic eBay searches or look on Amazon Japan. I stopped checking the site I was getting Japanese schoolgirl magazines from, although after awhile I discovered that they had stopped selling the ones I was into, so that temptation would have gone away one way or the other. The Girls only recently got a new sister after more than a year (the last time was after ACEN last May), and I wasn't the one who bought that new figure. Hell, I haven't bought any toys (not counting cars and coffee robots, of course) in over a year. Well, almost -- there was the X Files Cancerm'n (not a typo) figure, but I ordered that last spring and it didn't ship until like fucking November or something. But that's it.

In further keeping myself from any temptation (or from being cranky because I can't buy something), I haven't been watching too many current series in the form of fansubs. Well, it was partly because I was trying to help in the spending department, but also because I didn't care. I kinda burned myself out on Japanese cartoons. Like I said, the pace for awhile there was off the fucking hook, even for me and my legendary spending capabilities. As I said at the outset of this post, things have all but fallen off the radar. There are some series that I still want to finish on DVD, so I get a new disc occasionally. And there are a few series I've been watching the fansubs of:

Mahou Sensei Negima: This is the latest series from Ken Akamatsu, the creator of Love Hina. You all know about my history with Love Hina, and I'll watch or read whatever Akamatsu tells me to. Negima isn't Love Hina, but it's still very, very good -- both the manga and the anime. Its roots in Love Hina are evident, but it's not like it's the exact same show as Love Hina only on the moon.

Keroro Gunso AKA Sergeant Frog: I nearly forgot about this one since it started quite a long time ago and there are a ton of episodes, yet only about six of them have been subbed in over a year. Supposedly it's a hard series to deal with, but that of course could just mean "lazy fansubbers." This show is pretty fucking funny, and the same goes for the manga. I wish it would just get licensed so that I could finally be able to see more of it since the fansubbers clearly aren't going to get their shit together on it.

Ichigo 100%: This is a show that I started watching just because I really liked some of the character designs. If you have some cute female characters, I'm in. I'll poke around for an episode or two. As are many of the shows I watch, it's TBMF. Total loser guy suddenly has a bunch of hot chicks who want his man chowder. Or something like that. Anyway, the conflict is kind of interesting because for awhile you really aren't sure which girl he'll choose, even though (in typical fashion) there's the one we know he's supposed to choose. The thing is, the set up for the conflict just wasn't done well. All these girls want the main character guy, but you really never get a sense for why they're so into him. The plot demanded it, and so it was. It was exactly like the "love" story in Episode II -- if it were real people you'd never imagine how it happened since there was no real development, but in the end it happened just because it had to. Maybe they could have done better if it was more than a 12-episode run; with more time they could have developed things so that it felt a little more real (even though it's still all bullshit). I ended up watching the entire series, though, since it got to a point where I was like, well, I'm already invested in this, so may as well finish it up. I know, I know. The bottle of poison is half drunk, so may as well finish it off -- we wouldn't want to waste good poison. I mean, the show isn't that bad -- it is somewhat amusing. A lot of the situations are really contrived, though, so they could have tried harder overall. There are also four OVAs, two of which have been subbed, and as far as those are concerned, same shit, different day. But the female characters are still totally fuckable. The manga was apparently long-running and just finished in Japan, so I'd be interested to check that out at some point. Oh, and I nearly forgot: the closing theme to the TV series -- "Ike Ike"; don't pronounce it like Eisenhower -- is fucking harsh. It's like some shitty early-90s dance track, and I just can't stop listening to it. I liken it to Girls Aloud meets 2Unlimited and learns Japanese. Available for download at this site (Go to Anime->Anime OSTs on the sidebar... And unfortunately, you have to do a bullshit registration with their site, and navigating around that site is retarded... Yeah, let's have a meaningless little key icon for logging in as opposed to something that just says "login"... I'll e-mail it to you if you really give a shit but not enough of one to register, although that site does have a bunch of other shit that may or may not interest you.).

Okay, so the one show I'm watching that wasn't that good is the one I ended up talking the most about. Which brings us to...

Full Metal Panic! The Second Raid: Full Metal Panic is the best show that's not Evangelion or Love Hina. Hey, you know how The Legend of Zelda was really cool? Then Zelda II came out and we were all like, "Whoa, they switched it up! All of the action is side-scrolling!"? Then Link to the Past came out, and we were like "Dude! It's old-school overhead-view like the original!"? That's what FMP has been like. The original was what it was -- it was BA (bad ass, for the Dane Cook uninitiated). Then Fumoffu pretty much ignored the whole robot thing and went strictly for the high school romance comedy. Now, TSR is doing it like the original, with a lot of drama and robots mixed in with the romance comedy. Only this time, it's a little more fucked up in terms of the drama. More blood, more violence (from what I remember), good stuff. Then there's the main bad guy, who's fucked up. I mean, the bad guy in the first series was fucked up; he was the kind of guy who would beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. The new bad guy, though, would beat nine people to death with a steel dildo -- but he'd do it while wearing a Bugs Bunny costume. So yeah, Zelda and Carlin are the best things I can come up with to describe the new series. Will it live up to the glory that they've built up so far? I wouldn't be surprised if they can pull it off, although through six episodes it's been almost entirely drama. I know we were spoiled with all the funny shit in Fumoffu, but I'm liking it quite a bit so far even if it's mostly the robot shit. We'll see how it goes, but I have faith in these people (always a good sign since I'm real big on faith).

Alright, so that's enough of that.

Modern Day America

ETP recently declared The Job to be "One of the Greatest Cancelled Shows of All Time." That statement needs to be amended. The Job is one of the greatest shows of all time, period. I sat there asking myself one night, can I think of anything better than The Job? I had trouble coming up with answers. As certain people know, I'm a little sick of sitting around and watching episodes of TV shows on DVD, but The Job is so good that it's risen above that moratorium.

For anyone unfamiliar with The Job, it was a show that ran during the summer for two seasons several years back, only making 19 episodes before getting shitcanned. It starred Denis Leary, and really, that's all that you need to know. If you dislike Leary and his comedy, you won't get along with The Job. You also have no taste and no sense of humor.

Anyway, Leary plays Detective Mike McNeil, who is, quite simply, an asshole. He drinks, he smokes, he's hooked on prescription drugs, he has an anger management problem, and he's cheating on his wife. It's really a perfect role for Denis Leary, a man quite possibly best known for his song, "Asshole."

The thing that makes The Job so great isn't just Leary and the fact that the part is perfectly written and perfectly played, but really, it's everything about the show. Great characters, great writing, great cast... I'm not normally this effusive with praise about, well, anything (aside from the Bimmer), but that's how much ass The Job kicks.

Another thing about The Job is that it's a mix comedy and drama. Primarily comedy, but with a healthy dose of drama. I hesitate to call it a "dramedy," because that term is all but synonymous with "shit" thanks to Sports Night, AKA The Holocaust of Television, and other shows of its ilk. No, in terms of melding comedy and drama, The Job gets it right. Unlike most dramedies, I never found myself having to ask "uhhh, was that supposed to be funny?" while watching The Job. Furthermore, the dramatic aspect of the show never felt forced or out of place in The Job. The show just fucking worked.

Did the show have some flawed moments? Sure. There were a few times where it was like, okay, this is a little too convenient. Somehow at an early point in the episode, the cops would always manage to run into the bad guy they're supposed to catch later on. Apparently, New York City isn't as big as we were led to believe. But I can let that slide, since, well, it's not supposed to be that fucking realistic -- it is a comedy, after all. Then there's the fact that no matter how much he fucks up, things always end up working out for McNeil and he's forgiven by whoever's pissed at him for fucking up their life. But hey, this is Denis Leary's fantasy -- the total fuck-up who's still the star of it all -- so that's fine, too. And, okay, there was one point throughout the 19 episodes (where Frank is dealing with the son he never knew he had) where a dramatic line didn't quite flow, but fuck it. That's the one time it wasn't totally in sync, and no one is perfect. Anyway, these minor quibbles are pretty much all I have to say that's not positive about the show, and in traditional fashion, I can easily rationalize them away. And compared to everything else, they are pretty bloody minor.

For the most part, each episode is like a self-contained universe, with what happens in one not really affecting subsequent episodes. There were quite a few where it ended with some shit going down that should have ended everyone's careers, but all was well in the next episode. I actually viewed that phenomenon as kicking it Curb Your Enthusiasm school, where something is fucked at the end but they just flaunt convention and give you no resolution. I love when TV shows go against the de facto rules and do it properly. Like with Frasier, the show that always went with the obvious joke, but somehow, they always made it funny. The "no continuity on The Job" pattern breaks down with the last few episodes, though, and I don't know if that's because they already knew that the show was getting canned (I mean, officially), or if introducing continuity was what ultimately doomed the show.

Not like it matters. The Job was destined for cancellation since, quite frankly, it was good. It was different. Very rarely does a decent show actually last, especially one like this which doesn't fit the bullshit PC mold that everything is expected to fall in line with. I really, really wish that The Job had continued, but alas, Denis Leary's cop show was not meant to last. I haven't seen Leary's firefighter show, Rescue Me (currently running on FX), but I'm planning on just getting the DVDs anyway because I know that it has to be a quality show. A good deal of the creative force behind The Job works on Rescue Me, and I'll trust 'em,even if I know that nothing will ever be The Job. Besides, ETP says it's a good show, and that kid knows what he's talking about. Mostly.

Seriously, if you never saw The Job, check it out. Whether you saw it or not, I, of course, would simply endorse getting the DVD set, and no, I get no kickback for that link. At most you're gonna pay like forty bucks for the set, and with 19 episodes, that's about $2 an episode, which is practically free. Just fucking do it. At very least, get someone else to buy it or go out and rent it if you can. The Job is fucking great, and for one of the few times in my life, I make that statement with no bullshit, no sarcasm, and no qualification.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Okay, here's what you do with this cunt. You shoot her in the head, and... Well, that was easy. Put her sister right next to her while you're at it -- with all the empty space in those heads, the bullet is bound to pass through both, killing two stupid bitches with one stone. I know, I know: how is the bullet supposed to kill if there's nothing in there? Look, the holes it makes are going to let out all of the mush and hot air. Even if they're not dead, their heads are, like, gonna totally deflate, and at least no one will want to take their pictures anymore and they'll finally go away, maybe with the exception of appearing in Faces of Death or John Romero's next flick.

Then again, when you take into account how much Jessica Simpson has decayed over the past few years, further taking into account the fact that people still care about her for some reason, you never know. Her head could be totally flattened with shit oozing out and people are still going to be fellating her, so there's probably no way I can win. But man, back in the day, she was a stupid twat, but at least she was something decent (not stellar, but decent) to look at. Now she's a stupid twat who looks fucking awful, and that's no good.

Meanwhile, Ashlee, currently out promoting her upcoming role as a hygiene-deficient wannabe thespian in the soon-to-be-released "Undiscovered"...

Yeah, not like it needs to be said, but it's more like talent-deficient wannabe when it comes to Ashley. And as mentioned before, she was never attractive. If only no one had "discovered" (i.e., manufactured) that little troll.

Then there's their father. That guy is a piece of work. There was the time (maybe multiple times) he made some comment on how great Jessica's tits are. That's... Inappropriate. Then, I just came across this. And if that's true, well, that's fucked up, too. Having a chastity ceremony with daddy when she was 12? A promise ring to say that he'll be the only man in her life until she marries? Yeah, he molested her. And considering the aforementioned decaying thing, fucking her father clearly has not agreed with her.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that Ashlee is so fucking ugly that even her sicko father wouldn't touch her. Even a man who will molest children has some standards. Then again, maybe not, and he has no taste just like the culture that allowed Ashlee to become some kind of star in the first place. Also, when I think about how fucking annoying Jessica has become, I'm going to delcare that she was retroactively asking for it.

Okay, now that the awful train has come to a crashing halt, let's take stock. Jessica Simpson. Faces of death. Fellatio twats, and molestation. Father fucking. Yeah, I can't wait to see the Google hits from this one. I could just be smart and not talk about this, of course. But I'm not smart, and this needed to be said. Anyway, I'll be sure and keep everyone posted (no pun intended).
ETP knows the joke that needs to be made.
Okay, so The Onion's front-page one-liner "Perfect Gift For Boring Asshole Found At Crate & Barrel" was pretty funny because it's like, yeah, you oftentimes can find the perfect gift for me at Crate & Barrel. But then there was this gem from the "News in Brief," which is one of the funniest things they've ever done -- and that's saying a lot considering their impressive resume:

German Luftwaffle Chain Offers Waffles, Overwhelming Air Superiority

MUNICH—An elite force of three dozen 24-hour Luftwaffle restaurants were unveiled across Germany Monday, with free waffles for blond-haired, blue-eyed customers, discounts on Cheese SwasSticks, and the incendiary bombardment of Luftwaffle's largest competitor, the city of London. "Soon, customers will fall under the sway of my lightning-quick, piping-hot Blintzkreig," said Hans Kreuzen, Luftwaffle's founder and oberstmanager-general. "All will know the sweet, buttery taste of fear and waffles from above." Luftwaffle restaurants are expected to face ruthless competition in Germany's already crowded martial-themed eatery business, which is led by such established chains as WehrKnochwurst and Der Marzipanzerkommand.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Yeah, but did anybody there get the foot?

I couldn't hear the first two names, but the last one was Steve and I know that's not right.

I also think it would have been kinda funny if CNN had accidentally dropped one of the Ps from that headline. I'm not saying that any harm should come to nuns, but, ah fuck it -- they could all use a little of that.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Ernest Borgnine was one of the stars of Airwolf?