Friday, December 16, 2005

I had forgotten just how brilliant this Onion article was. Also, speaking of brilliance, I need to link the latest Penny Arcade just for posterity's sake. Tycho's associated rant on Wikipedia is pretty good as well.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Naomi Watts is pretty

I fucking hate Peter Jackson, that fat sweaty mongoloid. As per usual, we've been over this before, but shit like this bears repeating. You know exactly what Jackson thinks of himself and his moviemaking ability just based on how fucking long his films are. He also thinks that if a film is three hours long, it's automatically epic and important.

So I obviously saw King Kong just recently. As per usual, this is more a bunch of general musings and a loose synopsis. I don't really give away any major plot points, unless if you count giving away the end. But if you don't know how this movie ends already, you don't know anything. Anyway, you've been warned. If you're a weenie (like me) who doesn't like anything being given away in advance lest it be totally ruined, just revisit this after you've seen the movie if you were really planning to.

As a prelude to this, I have not seen the original film (although I know some of the very basic elements of it), so as I was watching the movie I didn't know how well Jackson's version followed the original. Just so you don't think you're clever, I learned after watching the movie what the original was like and hence that a lot of these comments aren't quite valid; most of what follows are the thoughts I had as I was watching the film. You can't get it any more raw than this unless if you were there with me, and you weren't.

One thing I kept thinking was that Jackson couldn't make up his mind as to what film he wanted to do. Not that this is an excuse for it's length; he would have made it long no matter what. But you know how Hot Shots billed itself as "the mother of all movies" because it ripped on so many things? Well, I think Hot Shots has lost that title because Kong has surely taken it. Of course, whereas Hot Shots was ripping on other films, Kong is ripping from other films.

The movie starts out as a depression-era period piece on struggling Vaudeville and Broadway actors. Then it turns into a National Geographic special on freaky-ass African tribes (way beyond plates in their lips and FUCKED UP afros). Then it's Jurassic Park. Then it's a movie about Jane Goodall. Finally, after about four days of film (does this guy even do any editing?), Jackson decides what kind of film he wants to make: one about hot, hot woman-on-gigantic-ape action.

Ape, gorilla, whatever.

Before I continue, I was not aware of the nine-minute anal rape scene before watching this movie. And don't give me any shit; Naomi Watts may have said "yes," but once a 50-foot gorilla starts putting it in, it's fucking rape.

Rape aside though, Jackson does do one thing right, and that's make a powerful commentary on human-gorilla romantic and sexual relations. Just when you're getting to the good stuff (at least for one party), the fucking government steps in and starts shooting at you and blowing shit up. Bastards.

Again, as I said, I know now that the phases that the film went through were in parallel with the original King Kong. So you could say instead that the creators of the original were the ones who pre-emptively ripped off everything that I mentioned. But with how excessive Jackson is with everything, and how horribly he draws everything out, a lot of the thoughts are still applicable even if it's holding true to the original. Take for instance all of the dinosaur shit. Look, Peter, we've been there, we've done that. If you're gonna keep that in there, fine -- but we don't need that fucking much of it. I know this bit of advice, which is applicable to EVERYTHING YOU DO, is falling on deaf ears. Ears, of course, that went deaf from all that "cha-ching!" he's been hearing these past few years.

Yeah, excessive. There were so many times where I was thinking to myself "Okay, that's enough. I'm sick of this." We don't need another dinosaur fight. We don't need this one to start at the top of the cliff, then move down to the vines between the cliffs for another hour, then complete about a day later down at the bottom. Stop that!

Oh, and we get it -- scary creatures! Once they're exploring the island every fucking moment of this movie is dedicated to what creepy creature they're going to run into next that will give them problems. I know that this is a remote island filled with strange things, but I've gotta think that even the most infested places have a couple of spots that are unpopulated by something that wants to kill you. But no, not on Jackson's vision of Skull Island. We've got an effects budget, and fuck if we're not going to blow through all of it. Nevermind developing characters or story or anything, if there's always some kind of chaos, that makes a movie good.

Speaking of chaos, there are a lot of stylistic things that Jackson does that piss me off. Well, at least this is what Jackson is passing off as "style." One of the things I hated the most about the Lord of the Rings movies were the battle scenes. They were so hectic with so much shit going on that you couldn't follow what the hell was going on. Yes, I know, real battles can be like that, but it doesn't make for a good scene. But anyway, he follows this same bad pattern in Kong with some of the action sequences, so I continue to hate him for it. I paid to see this shit (well, today I didn't, but still), so I'd like to follow what's happening. Really, though, they could have just replaced some scenes in LOTR and Kong with some totally random shit being strewn about, and it would have been all the same.

Another thing, Peter: slow-motion does not automatically make something really dramatic or poignant. Don't do it if you don't need to, and rarely if ever did you need to in Kong. Oh, and don't have characters whispering stuff to each other that the audience can't hear if you're going to reveal what they're talking about six seconds later (the revelation coming in slow-mo, of course). That could be a good device to set up some suspense, but this wasn't something that was really suspenseful to begin with, and you fucked it up anyway by telling us the secret immediately.

The biggest element of Jackson's "style" that I hate, of course, is "long and drawn out." But of course, when I actually want him to explain something, when I really want him to go deeper, he doesn't. Riddle me this, fat man: once Kong is sedated, how the fuck did they get him back to New York? That wasn't exactly a big boat that they had. And I'm only guessing that they were able to keep him sedated on the way back, as well as once he was in New York, but we'll never know. I really shouldn't complain about this, though; had he covered these things I wouldn't be here right now to type this because I'd either still be in the theater or I would have slit my wrists already.

A comment on the special effects needs to be made. Some of them? Weren't that special. There were a lot that I was looking at, and I'm like, that's fake. I mean, I know it's fake, but when you're spending that kind of jack for FX, it's usually a bit more convincing. A lot of the FX were good, but at those prices (I don't know the exact figure, but it doesn't take a genius to know that they were high), they should all be good. There were a few other things that I can think of off the top of my head that were bullshit. After Kong falls to his death, from the top of the Empire State building, his lifeless body is surprisingly well intact on the street below. And then there's one point where Adrien Brody is flying around Manhattan in what I'm guessing is a Ford Model A, but he's outrunning Kong and maneuvering it like it's my car. No. Oh, and I'm no behavioral expert when it comes to dinosaurs, but I'm guessing that their reactions and motions during fighting aren't going to be just like humans. Or at least, that's how it came across to me. But at least one T-Rex no longer needs his Reach toothbrush now that he has a flip-top head.

Throughout the movie, there were three trains of thought that I was constantly on:
  1. Where's my jacket I wanna leave. I've been at this movie six years; I want to see other movies.
  2. When are they gonna get to the part where he climbs the Empire State building?
  3. Holy Christ Naomi Watts is hot.
So yeah, there's a second thing that he got right -- he at least had the decency to cast someone stunningly gorgeous for us to be looking at. Granted, there was no scene where we get to see her masturbate and it's not so much hot as depressing, but it was still a good call. For the better part of the film she's in a nightie and robe, running around barefoot. That was pretty nice. And I guess if I had to find a third thing that I liked, using the old-school graphics and fonts in the opening and closing credits was a nice homage to the original film. Thinking about it, though, with how long Jackson's Kong is, I wouldn't be surprised if he started it at the same time as the people who made the original in 1933.

One more thing I liked about seeing Kong was something that the makers of Kong had nothing to do with. I saw a preview for a movie coming out next year with Denzel Washington and total bad-ass Clive Owen called Inside Man (I believe). Movie previews and commercials are the most god-awful fucking things, but at least for once I got something useful out of all that nonsense.

The thing is, Jackson's King Kong wasn't a horrid movie. It would have been decently good if it wasn't so goddamn long and another crucial part of Jackson's Master Self Aggrandizement Plan. Dude, hit the cutting room from time to time, and I hopefully won't be complaining as much. Or at least, I can get out of the theater before cockroaches are extinct. An hour-and-a-half, and this movie would have been pretty solid. Over three hours, it's Peter Jackson, and we know what that means to me.

Okay, so let's do the list:

Style points, drawing things out: -100
Style points, exaggerating everything: -50 (I'm feeling generous)
Other excesses: -10
Peter Jackson: -1000
Jack Black, who I've never particularly liked: -5
Jack Black, being somewhat tolerable despite above: +1
Naomi Watts: +100 (god, she's hot)
German guns: +1
Slow-mo: -1
All that money on effects, and you give me this weak-ass shit?: -5
Misc. Bullshit: -10
Inside Man preview: +1
One point detracted for every minute of the film: -187

So we have a total of... -1265. That's the worst I've ever rated anything, and it was pretty much all on the weakness of Peter Jackson. Take him out of the equation (making sure to do it Speed style by fucking killing him), and this movie fares much, much better.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Earlier tonight I saw a rugby game for XBox. And I was like, that's kinda cool. But is there anything out for Aussie Rules Football? I'm not sure if there's anything for modern consoles, but they at least had a game for the oridinal NES.

The coolest AFL team has gotta be the Melbourne Demons (although the Essendon Bombers have a cool name and logo, too). When ETP and I made a failed attempt to follow Aussie rules football footy back in our freshman year, I had initially picked another club as my team, but eventually had to go with the Demons since that mascot is BA (I shortened it). Of course, it's hard to "follow" a sport that is rarely if ever broadcast over here, but that's because everything sucks in America.

Hey, Paizanos!

One of the great things about growing up is revisiting things you enjoyed as a kid and realizing how bad they sucked. ETP and BOETP got me the DVD set of The Legend of Zelda cartoons that ran on Fridays as part of The Super Mario Brothers Super Show circa 1989. Now, Zelda has held up pretty well. Yeah, Link is a choad. Yeah, Zelda is a cunt. Yeah, a lot of the jokes are really fucking stupid. But it's still pretty watchable and entertaining.

Included in the Zelda set is a handful of TSMBSS live action clips. For anyone who watched this, you know what the show was about -- there were the cartoons (both Super Mario Brothers and Zelda) as well as short live-action skits intermixed in each episode. The live-action portions starred the late Captain Lou Albano as Mario and some other guy as Luigi. And holy fucking Christ were those live-action portions horrible. I mean, you spend a day having the shits, and it's not so bad when compared to this. As if that wasn't bad enough, the closing credits for the show have Captain Lou encouraging you to "do the Mario!" as he does what I will loosely call "a dance." Upon seeing this for the first time in sixteen years, I was like, wow, I think Captain Lou Albano died of embarrassment.

Looking at his IMDB profile and searching around on the web, Captain Lou isn't dead after all. But seriously, the live-action stuff from TSMBSS is just awful. It's so bad that I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable just from watching it.

One problem I think I have in writing this blog nowadays is that I feel like I have to have desensitized people to talking about a lot of fucked up shit. Or if nothing else, many things just have a "been there, done that" feel to them. For long-timers, of course -- newbies are always at risk to be totally turned off by this shit. I bring up things from the Holy Trinity of Things that Make People Sick -- bestiality, incest, and pedophilia -- seemingly as much as I can because it's amusing to a sick fuck like me to bring up things that bother other people. I could just be projecting since, at least conceptually (although not necessarily in real-life practice) I'm desensitized to these things. I mean, it's gotta bother a lot of people no matter what when I bring up being attracted to an 11-year-old girl because she has good stuff. Now, if you know baseball you understand the double entendre, but it is a double entendre since we've been down both routes. And you're still not too comfortable with people fucking horses, right? I hope not, because that's what the rest of this post is about.

Anyway, as we were watching Zelda, horsefucking came up. In case you're wondering how this came up (because you wouldn't expect it with me), there was a point where we find out that Link's horse is named Catherine. And I had to ask, "Did he name the horse after Catherine the Great because she died fucking a horse?" Even though the horse legend might be total bullshit, it's still funny to bring up. That led to ETP mentioning this story from a couple of months back. As it turned out, he didn't die from the horse falling on top of him.

Several months back, I suddenly started getting a bunch of Google hits for things like "man dies fucking horse video." And despite the fucked up search hits that I get ("donkey dongs" is a popular one... just thought I'd share), I still had to ask what the fuck brought it on. Then I saw one search hit that included mention of Dan Savage, the Savage Love sex columnist, and I thought the issue was settled -- it was something that had come up in one of his columns.

Nope, as it turns out, some dumbass died of a "perforated colon" from taking it up the ass from a horse. Christ, the balls (balls, of course, almost always equating to a lack of brains) to let a horse fuck you in the ass. But really, the thing that I get thinking about is this guy's family. You thought Captain Lou was embarrassed? Shit, imagine having to explain that to other people. "How's Tommy doing?" "He's dead." "Oh, I'm so sorry... What happened?" [Insert lie].

Do you think they had a funeral for him? I'd be willing to bet that his next of kin just said "Fuck it... Just burn his body or throw it out. We never speak of this again."

"The information that we have is that people would find this place via chat rooms on the Web"

Bullshit -- and I'm not totally kidding. Chatrooms are filled with some pretty vile shit, but it's mostly just talk. Although I'd imagine that with the cesspool that the internet and chatrooms are, there are places where getting punctured internally by a horse can be arranged.

"If you're talking about sheep or goats, there could be some issues."

This statement amuses me. Now, I get it that sex with animals isn't illegal in Washington state, as it isn't in many others for some odd reason in this day and age, but I still found this to be a funny thing for someone to say. You're cool with horses but sheep and goats are right out? Okay, just so long as we're clear.
Why is it that everything I get interested in either turns to shit or goes away? Like for instance, I got into Star Trek in Next Gen's sixth season. The show didn't go bad on me, but it did go away a season and a half later.

Quite possibly the biggest disappointment of all time is Ghastly's Ghastly Comic. I discovered this around Xmas of last year, and immediately hailed it as the reason we invented the webcomic. Well, I didn't go that far, but I was thoroughly pleased with what Ghastly had put forth. And how was I rewarded for this praise? With the comic turning to utter schlock, of course. I check it every week, but it's with a sense of begrudging dread that I do so. It's more out of idiotic obligation that I do this, kinda like when I bought The Fragile many years back.

I know why Ghastly became ghastly unfunny. Two reasons. For one, Ghastly set out on a quest to become a better artist in terms of his drawing. This is a laudable goal, but it should not come at the expense of your biggest talent -- writing. Also, he apparently started doing a second comic, which I haven't looked at and don't care to at this point. That sapped time and energy from the main comic, and combined with his bullshit improvement goal, made for a lousy comic.

You know who else isn't funny anymore? Me. I look back at some of my older posts, and I'm like, damn, this kid is funny. I know it's rather uncouth to laugh at one's own jokes, but fuck that -- I am a comic genius. Or at least I was, because now I fuck ass. And not in a good way, either.

So we know why Ghastly sucks now, but what the hell happened to me? Well, answering that question in full scale could be a blog of it's own, but in terms of why my 'blog isn't funny anymore, we can look to a lot of things. For one, just about everything I posted on died with the election last year. In the run-up, it was like, yeah, this is fun to talk about. Then it was like, man, this is a fucking waste of time. It also never helps when you're a sore loser. Then there was/is my job, which actually keeps me pretty busy, and so it was like, fuck this -- I don't have time to post. Then, of course, there was all the nonsense about the car. Not that posting on it was bad per se (especially not for me, of course, but as always everyone else is on their own), but that was really all I cared to post about. As I've said before, I've really got nothing more going on besides A) the car B) work and C) masturbating. Work I just don't really bring up because even though I enjoy my job, it's not one that's really bloggable. The car I obviously bring up from time to time. And masturbating? Shit, trust me -- you do not want to hear about that. It is even less hot than it sounds, and I know that doesn't seem possible, but it is.

Okay, that's enough bullshit introspection. At this point I'm not doing this blog bullshit out of obligation or anything, and from time to time I get a bug up my ass to do it, so it's still amusing to me. Anyway, speaking of Ghastly and the good ol' days, I was searching through old posts on Blogger, and came across an unposted "Year in Review" from last year. It really wasn't very good (which is saying quite a bit considering the quality to be found here), so I never got motivated to finish it. I left it pretty raw -- there were gaps, errors (I somehow fucked up the year, which was pretty brilliant) and even a section just called "UNFINISHED," so it has even less polish than the other drivel I put out there. But it kinda irritates me to have shit unposted, and there were at least a couple of things that made me laugh. So do 'ya remember 2004 and are you ready to relive it? Me neither. But I did it, so now you have to, too. Maybe I'll do a timely 2005 year in review later this month or in early '06, or maybe I'll post it when it's even less relevant. Without further ado, I present to you a post that never was... But now is.

Yeah, fuck lists

It has been my annual tradition to list a bunch of random shit here at Fuck everything, and though the odds of me telling you my thoughts on 2003 are actually quite high doing it the way I've done it for the last few years really sounds awful to me. To both of us, even. So we're not going to do that.

Oh wait, yes we are. Why? Because I've got no place else to go. I'm starting this list New Year's Eve, and within a couple of days it should be sufficiently unfunny for me to release it into the wild. Like last year's list, this is pretty much just a stream of consciousness effort much like everything else I'm responsible for. Some categories will be returning, others added, with yet others shamefully dismissed. Let's get it on.

Story of the year
U.S. presidential "election"

Unlike last year, this was sort of a tough call. Mainly due to the big awful story of the past week with the earthquake and tsunamis in Asia and Africa. The thing is, when it comes to the tsunami story, there's really not much that I can do a lot of complaining about. More importantly, I really haven't found anything there to make jokes about -- we may have to wait the requisite 22.3 years for that.

The election, on the other hand, gave me plenty to bitch and complain about. The pitting of SuperDumbfuck George W. Bush against SuperNothing John F. Kerry (John who?) fueled quite a few posts around here. Of course, it was also the run-up to the election -- the RNC, the DNC, Republican bullshit, John Kerry's (John who's?) neverending pussitude, the Swiftboat bitter assholes, to name a few things -- that all but killed my desire to 'blog, especially on politics. If that doesn't make you pro-election, I don't know what will.

Album of the year
Fluke's Six Wheels on My Wagon

This was actually one of Fluke's earlier releases, having come out in 1993. Once again, though, since I am the center of everything, nothing really happens until I'm exposed to it. And since I didn't get my shit together and buy it until this year (and actually, it was ETP who put in the order to get both of us our copies), that makes it eligible for this year's award.

Album of the year, if I'm forced to pick something besides a Fluke release

I don't listen to music. Go ask someone who knows shit about shit, like ETP.

Greatest Grill of All Time
Muhammad Ali's "The Greatest Grill of All Time"

The rivalry is heating back up.

Webcomic of the Year
Ghastly's Ghastly Comic

A late entry, this one is pretty much beyond everything.

Stand-up Performance of the Year
George Carlin

I can't even remember half of what went down this year, but I'm pretty sure that we at least saw Carlin, Robert Schimmel, Chris Rock, and Bill Maher at some point during the year. Maher was good as always. Chris Rock, despite the long hiatus from touring, is still good. Schimmel, last year's winner, was also good, but that man hasn't written a new joke in like five years. Carlin, on the other hand is, well, Carlin.

Laura Bush "Cunt of the Year" Annual Award
Laura Bush

I still hate this woman.

Movie of the Year

I never go to movies, for two reasons. For one, there's hardly ever anything out that interests me. For two, I for some reason have a really difficult time allocating, in advance, a two-hour block of time to just sitting around doing essentially nothing. Granted, I never do anything but sit around doing nothing for hours at a time, but when it's not planned in ahead of time (and bought for $8), doing nothing still seems fresh and exciting.

I was really looking forward to Kill Bill Vol. 2, and that turned out to be a pretty big disappointment. Yeah, it was still pretty good, but it just didn't have the intangible "it" of the first installment. I remember seeing Hellboy back in April or whatever, and while entertaining, this movie does not belong on any self-respecting or even self-effacing "best of" list. Oh, and didn't Michael Moore's latest piece of propaganda come out this year? That, too, was entertaining, but seeing as how it reall didn't help and may have actually hurt chances if us ousting Bush, it certainly doesn't win shit.

Before Kill Bill Vol. 1, I'm pretty sure the most recent movie I saw was Star Trek: Nemesis (probably not true), so I'm just going to punt on this category. One finger for all of Hollywood in recognition of the fact that they're not putting out anything that interests me.

Video Game of the Year
Dead or Alive Ultimate

I'm obligated to go with any game that's A) pretty and B) brings me things like Kasumi in bloomers, an XBox girl outfit, and a naughty Santa outfit along with Hitomi in bloomers, a sailor uniform, and her own XBox girl outfit. Ignoring the fact that I hate this fucking game and get utterly sick of it anytime I start playing because I'm no good at it, it wins the crown for this year.

Another game which I get beyond frustrated with but comes in second place is Ninja Gaiden. Not that I want to sound too much like ETP's list, but whatever. At least I really didn't care for Kart (where the fuck are my jump turns?), I have no particular affinity for Megaman even if it's decently fun (but then again, I never worked with a friend to beat Megaman 2 without getting hit once), and Crystal Chronicles had zero appeal to me. But yeah, Ninja Gaiden was good stuff, even if I got completely pissed towards the end of Chapter 5 and not picking the game up again until just a couple of days ago (I made progress, too! And now... Now I'm stuck again and will probably resume playing in May). Some other games that were probably cool but also fell victim to my Videogame ADHD:

Prince of Persia: Sands of Time: I really just did not give this game much of a chance, but it just didn't suck me in like I'd hoped it would. I need to give it another shot.

La Pucelle: Tactics: This one I did enjoy playing, even if it didn't really suck me in like, say, Ocarina of Time, and for months I've been saying that I really want to start playing it again.

Grand Theft Auto: Vice City: I'm pretty sure I got this game this past year. It, too, was a lot of fucking fun, but my attention span blows. How cool of an idea was it to get Ray Liotta to voice the main character? And shit, that's merely the beginning.

Super Mario Sunshine: Yes, this one is also kinda old, but I got it early last year. I really don't have any desire to play it again, either. I'm sorry, but this game is just fucking gay, and not gay in a good way, either. Why can't they just make a regular fucking Mario game that doesn't do something like focus on that stupid water backpack thingy?

Game release I'm most looking forward to
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

Say what you want about what's on the racks at stores, this game doesn't come out until I can play it on XBox.

New game system that I have no desire to pick up
Nintendo DS

Alternately referred to as the Nintendo DipShit and the Nintendo DickSuck, I don't care how many people (ETP) say it's a decent system, I don't fucking want one. I just have moral opposition to there being two screens. So what if they can put the map or something useful down there? A second screen is nothing but a gimmick, and I'm sorry, but I'd much rather see the focus be placed on something other than a gimmick. Also, a second screen is just plain excessive, and if there's anything I'm against, it's excess.

Speaking of Excess
Project 3 Series

Project 3 Series morphed into Project 330 and is now Project ZHP. It is driving me absolutely nuts, and I don't want to talk about it until I either just get the stupid BMW or realize there's no way for it to happen. So you're all spared... For now.

Biggest Asshole
Sylvia Saint

Yeah, I blew it by using this joke prematurely several months back, but fuck it. This needs to be on every list until the end of time.

Nazi concept most applicable to my life

As an article in The Onion once declared, "Lebensraum is totally where it's at!" I, of course, find amusement in stuff like this because I find myself getting a joke that I don't think the average American is going to get.

But yeah, that's pretty much what all of this year was for me -- living space. First, I needed a house with enough space for me and my girls. Then, I needed lebensraum in a more abstract manner when trying to find breathing room in my budget to get the BMW and still be able to save money while maintaining a decent standard of living. Further appropriate that I was lusting after a German car.

So I took a term that Hitler used to justify invading neighbors and thus setting the entire world on fire which led to the death of millions, and belittled it all as part of my quest for material goods and money. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm an asshole and a bad person.

Most awful human being

It took some thinking to come up with a winner, but it's pretty sad for the rest of humanity because I knew that I still cannot make the top of this list.

Anime of the Year

Who cares, watching anime is for fucking losers

But if I did watch anime...
I still really don't know

I've had to back way the hell off from this habit this past year.