Sunday, March 19, 2006

Anyone who's been here awhile knows I get an inordinate amount of hits from people searching for stupid shit. I know I'm not special in this regard, as anyone who watches site traffic through something like Sitemeter has to put up with this. It's probably worse in my case than many, though, considering how low the bar is set here with the things I write about and how I choose to write about them. So I guess I'm at least kinda special (Special Ed! Ha! That's not funny.).

Although I post dumb hits on here a lot, I thought I'd post a sampling of the kind of shit I have to deal with from just the most recent 100 hit results because I'm especially pissed about them right now for some reason.

how to fuck your boyfriend hard??

I find myself wondering if this was a guy or a girl asking this question. I think the double question marks at the end is a major clue, but I'm not sure which way that clue tips the scales. Either way, this person is a re-re.

how to have sex like a real man

This falls into the category of "if you have to ask a search engine, you'll never know." You're obviously in trouble if it's come to this, so just punt.

how can tell if my man is fucking someone

This is kind of the opposite of the preceding search hit. If you have to ask a search engine this question, you already know the answer, and the answer is yes.

will this shit get any easier

Ibid (with the obvious answer this time being "no").

HOW TO GET SOMEONE TO CATCH ME NAKED

Step 1: get naked. Step 2: get caught. Step 3: profit! So fucking simple that "Step 2" isn't even "???" How could you fuck this up? Just don't hide somewhere, and it should be simple. If it's not simple, kill yourself.

mayfair razzle scans

Paul Raymond is one of my personal gods. I don't know if Paul Raymond is a real guy, but Paul Raymond Publications put out Mayfair and Model Directory. I don't know if MD is still getting made, but these were two of the finest soft-core skin rags ever made. Unfortunately, PRP also put out drivel like Razzle and Escort. "Low-rent" doesn't even begin to describe these disgraces. I can still let Paul Raymond be a god, though, because a god doesn't have to be perfect. Take our god, for instance, assuming he exists even though he doesn't. He gave us things like Sasha Cohen and BMW. But he also gave us, well, the rest of the world. You win some, you lose every fucking thing else.

Reading your pussy

Girls, I do not profess to understand much if anything about you, but I thought I was pretty solid on the notion that I couldn't delve into literature down there. Is that what they were talking about, like reading a book or some shit, or something along the lines of palm reading? Either way this reeks of nonsense and of course, fish. If it's the former, could this be why a bunch of stupid guys don't like going down on a woman? They just don't want to have it turn into English class? "Eat your pussy? No thanks; I'm waiting for Cunnilingus: The Motion Picture." Then all the snobs can run around talking about how the book was much better.

I think I took that last one further than I needed to, but fuck it. That still doesn't excuse brain stems like the other ones exemplified in this post. If you have to go do a search on the Infoshitter for anything along these lines, we have a space reserved for you in the cage.

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