Saturday, January 14, 2006

It sucks to not be as good as John Elway

Google search:

is terry bradshaw gay

No, Terry Bradshaw is retarded. Not much offends me, but this notion is wholly bothersome. Terry Bradshaw is nowhere near cool enough to be gay.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

They really should have gone with "New Jersey: You Got a Problem With That?", because while immature, it's much better than "Come See For Yourself." Come see what? Why everyone there or from there (except Laura Prepon) hates themselves and their lives?

"I don't mind paying tolls but every 27 feet? Bullshit!"
- Carlin

"The Garden state? Yeah, sure. If you're growing smokestacks yes."
- Carlin

"Kiss her where it smells, take her to New Jersey!"
- Carlin, taken from a T-shirt sold in Jersey

Least favorite things of 2005

This is my replacement for a "best of" for 2005. Maybe I'll do a "best of" at some point since I know it'll be anxiously awaited. And of course, this is not so much of a list of things from 2005 as a list of things I hate in general.

Penny Arcade doing continuity
These guys are funny when they do stand-alone strips. But if there's ever any sort of continuity between successive strips, it's weaker than Bud Light. Take for instance the Christmas stories from this year and last year -- pure shit. More importantly, not funny. And Cardboard tube Samurai is the lamest, most unfunny thing ever. Fuck every single one of you fanboys who has encouraged that shit.

Antiwang was updated daily
I really like this simple comic, when the asshole is posting strips. I just wish he'd quit being such a fucking cocktease, going balls-out and updating daily for awhile, only to disappear and then make a comeback way later. And then do it again.

I don't know why webcomics are so prominent in this list, but man, what a fucking has-been (and still could-be, if he'd just focus on writing dirty jokes as opposed to some kind of growth as an artist bullshit).

Thursday is probably my least favorite day of the week. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I have Penny Arcade and Megatokyo to look forward to, assuming PA isn't doing some of the aforementioned lame-ass continuity shit, and Fred Gallagher isn't making some excuse for not posting a comic and/or putting out something that makes me say "What the fuck is going on here?" Then on Tuesdays, I have a new issue of The Onion to check out. Wednesday brings a new Jay Mohr column.

Okay, I guess there is one thing on Thursday, since Diesel Sweeties comes out Sunday-Thursday. But that strip always goes up at night, and that's when I always read it. If it doesn't give me an excuse to kill some time at work, it doesn't count. Thursday blows ass.

For I don't know how many years in a row now, I've had at least one period where I tried to like Firefox over Mozilla. The browser you can trust? Yeah, the browser I can trust to reaffirm my faith that this world fucking sucks. I'm using it at work but not at home in an attempt to try and force myself to get used to it since I'm worried that regular Mozilla will be totally dropped at one point, but it still eats balls.

Sucks ass, eats balls, etc.
Speaking of growth as an artist, I have done precisely none of that since this site started nearly three years ago. Please tell me I have not been wasting three years churning out this shit. Fuck.

Bush, Christians, Democrats, everyone
All pretty much a given at this point.

People who send me Slipknot lyrics
You know who you are.

The Pope
Happy to see one old, ignorant, barely-living motherfucker die, only to have him replaced by another old, ignorant, but slightly more living motherfucker. But at least Ratzinger knows what to drive.

Clear heels
Stripper's uniform or not, these things are just fucking lame. Why is it that seemingly every skank who takes her clothes off has to put these on at one point? Why can't this place be like Japan where every cute girl has to put on a schoolgirl outfit at least once for dirty men to take pictures of and beat off to? Tell me that's not better than a bunch of fucking clear heels.

Excessively big heels
Why? Heels are fine. But there is no need for you girls to be pretending to be much taller than you really are with big heels and massive platforms down there. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm a leg man, I'd even advocate taking tall girls and cutting their leg bones down or taking a chunk out of their torso to make them shorter.

Holy shit, that's fucked up
You really oughta stop coming here and encouraging this kind of behavior.

I'm just putting this in here because it sounds like the right thing to say. Actually, I hate when people enable other stupid people to do dumb shit. I'm all for people enabling me to do my stupid shit.

This is getting away from me
Okay, it's not funny.

Other drivers
It seems that no matter where I go, the only purpose of others is to kill my buzz. This is especially true on the roads. Hey, assholes: you know why us BMW drivers drive the way we do? Because we can. Now get the fuck out of the way.

Uppity people
I know far too well that this includes me. I'm trying to curb it. Sorta. There was one day I was driving down I-25, and a yellow Ferrari F430 was in the center lane. He was not going particularly fast, and while not going too slow, he was being passed by a decent number of cars. He didn't need to speed or be aggressive, because he knew he had the fastest, most expensive car for miles, and he didn't have shit to prove. That's a real bad-ass right there. I need to get into that state of mind, and I clearly have a long way to go.

Rap, hip hop, whatever the fuck it is
These words from Chris Rock really are apt: there are a couple people that can float, but for the most part the genre sucks. There are plenty of tracks out there that I really like, like Kanye West's "Gold Digger," but whenever I listen to a full album the vast majority of it is almost always boring. Nothing against Kanye, though, because that guy will forever be my hero just for saying "George Bush doesn't care about black people" on a nationally televised event. Sure, everyone knows this fact, but he's one of the only ones who had the balls to stand up and say it when someone might be listening.

Hey, I like tits as much as the next guy, except apparently I don't. I know it's not gonna happen, but I wish guys would get over this nonsense, at least when it comes to them being big. Thanks to you idiots, we have to deal with a bunch of bad boob jobs. I think my preference for smaller is partly just out of spite, but there are honestly times where they're not even that big and I'm like "those are too big" and I'm totally serious.

I can at least take some comfort knowing that guys receive some small payback when they worry about how little their dicks are. Except for the guys who are big or at least adequate, and fuck them anyway.

White people
My hatred for white people, especially heterosexual and/or Christian ones, is well documented. You're white, and you're lame.

People who come here via Google
Virtually everyone who gets here via Google is an idiot. Typically, a pretty sick idiot. I have seriously thought about trying to de-list my site from search engines because of how tired I am of these people. The main thing stopping me is the fact that, in the end, the hits drive my traffic numbers up, and no matter how artificial the numbers are that's satisfying to me. Also, just like Japan, some of the hits show me that there are people sicker than me out there, or at least that I'm not alone.

The Guestbook
Great, just what I wanted: a bunch of racist, ignorant shit. The only things keeping me from 86'ing the guestbook are A) vanity and B) the fact that once in a great while, someone who's not a complete retard makes an entry. Including a decent number of chicks, who apparently dig this site. Is that cabbage?

The American people
How much shit does Team Bush have to do before people say "Okay, I've had it." Bullshit wars, blatant favoritism to the rich, shitting on the constitution, blah blah blah, no problem. But four or five years of it? Maybe we'll start letting those approval ratings drop a bit. Fucking morons.

No, not the Huey Lewis and the News album, which is so fucking sweet that talking about it now would ruin the mood of this post. I am trying so hard not to care about sports, but I suppose I'm going to break down and show some interest since the Broncos are in the playoffs. Until they inevitably tank it. A Bears-Broncos Super Bowl would be one of the best things ever, and that's preceisely why it won't happen.

I downgraded to the bare-bones cable package in an effort to cut back on spending, and I've never been unhappy with that. There are a few things I'd like to be able to watch regularly, but if I really care, I can just have ETP Tivo it. Otherwise, I get to miss out on all the great shit that they're puking all over the airwaves. Take for instance two of the new shows that started this past season. I was looking forward to Everybody Hates Chris, but it turned out "meh." Then there's My name is Earl, which, in advance, ETP heralded as "great" and I declared "shit." Of course, the answer was closer to, famous potatoes. But this show is the perfect example of everything that's wrong in TV. The first episode starts out with you finding out that Jason Lee's character is a petty thief. And I was thinking "Heyyy, this is kinda different and interesting... A show about a small-time crook." But then what happens? We find out the show's true intention, which is to have Jason Lee run around every week trying to make amends for past fuck-ups. Uggggggh. What a bunch of lame-ass PC bullshit. He has to be nice, everyone! That doesn't make for good TV. It makes for mediocre TV at best. And it's typically American, too. Why is he trying to make amends for prior misdeeds? Karma! He doesn't think things can get better for him unless if he makes token efforts for being a prick. In the end, the character's motivation is purely selfish, and that's just perfect. There is no such thing as altruism.

Peter Jackson
That last paragraph may have been way too fucking long and unnecessary, but it still wasn't as much so as one of this cocksucker's movies.

Restoration Hardware, AKA Restoration 'Spensive
I could not hate these motherfuckers more. They have this bedroom set that I am just in love with. Typically, as a product line gets older, the price of it goes down, right? Not with these bastards. I noticed at one point this year that the bedroom furniture I wanted had actually gone up in price. I will get my cedar lined drawers one day, god damn it.

Oh man, medication is great. I just love the slew of side effects that might come along with anything you take. My favorites are the ones that have a warning that they might cause "suicidal thoughts." Right now, I'm taking both an antidepressant and a sleeping medication that both claim to this as a possible side effect. We've heard about antidepressants having this potential side-effect before, and that's just stupid. They're supposed to help you keep from being depressed, but they might lead you to kill yourself. That's fantastic. And the sleeping pills? They're supposed to help people take a nap, not a dirt nap.

I know what you're thinking. "Wow, you're on an antidepressant? It's not working." Fuck you. I'm not depressed, I'm pissed off. It's not an antipissedoff pill. The reason I got on it is for anxiety and other, uh, problems. And the sleeping pills, which were intended to help me get back on a normal sleep schedule, are now just being used as a fall-back for when I inevitably get up late in the afternoon on a Sunday and need to be able to go back to sleep six hours later to not get up early in the morning.

You might also think it's kinda funny that I'm on an SSRI, which may cause suicidal thoughts, and sleeping medication, which is commonly used to kill one's self. I found that kinda funny, too. And have I had suicidal thoughts? Nah, nothing more serious than knowing it's an option, but so is chopping my dick off and shoving red-hot pokers up my ass. Might be necessary in an extreme situation, but it probably won't come to that. Actually, what I do several times a week is ask myself: "So, dude, do you wanna kill yourself?" And then I just laugh. I'm sick, but clearly not depressed. I am entertained.

Blog posts about personal shit that no one cares about
Seriously, who cares?

People who have everything yet still complain about everything
Oh boo hoo, you're so bloody underprivileged, you fucking piece of shit.

Okay, I could probably come up with more (well, I know I could come up with more, but we just don't have the time), but I'm tired and this isn't funny. There's a shocker.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

For some reason, the word "choad" was the funniest thing in the world to me yesterday. Over the years of using this word, we were never fully sure as to what a "choad" really was. Anywhere we looked, we got a different answer. As it turns out, the answer is "D: All of the above."

It also did not occur to me until yesterday, or maybe it had before and I had forgotten about it, but the name "Chad" is just a vowel away from "choad," and that could not be more appropriate.