Saturday, January 21, 2006

Lemme ask you something: are we gonna have to hear about everything that fucking happens to miners now?

Thursday, January 19, 2006

The Ultimate Fuck tha Police Machine

Down in Houston, some guy led police on a high-speed chase for a couple of hours earlier today. The chase ended with the perp going the wrong way on an exit ramp in an attempt to continue eluding police, and he crashed into another car. What was the guy driving? A Bimmer, of course -- a brand new E90 330i.

On CNN's front page there's currently a video of the last several minutes of the chase (which might end up in their video list on the front page later on), and that article has a link to a video that has some clips from the chase as well. Now, I'm not condoning what this guy did, but man, it was pretty impressive to watch. The guy spent a lot of time fucking with the other cars, both the cops and other motorists who were trying to help stop him. He'd let someone catch up to him, then he'd just hit the gas and leave them behind. Or he'd let someone get in front of him, only to pull off a precision maneuver to get around them. If you can take out the stupid, it was neat.

He managed to elude the Channel 13 helicopter, which can go 100 miles per hour.

Of course he got away -- the E90 is electronically limited at about 130 MPH. It can easily outrun your pussy chopper.

Officers attempted to use spikes to flatten his tires, but those were ineffectual.

I found this to be particularly hilarious. You know why the spikes didn't work? Because all E90s come equipped with run-flat tires! Apparently, you don't need to limit your speed to 55 MPH when you're running flat on them after all.

From the news reports, it seemed like the people in the car he hit were OK. There was a baby in the car, and this is apparently a huge deal. I'm tired of that shit. They're no more important than other people. I think there was one person in the car who they weren't sure about their condition, but everyone else was fine, including the precious baby. The woman in the passenger seat was definitely fine in terms of physical injuries. Right after the collision she immediately got out of the car, jumped over the hood, and started yelling at the driver. Just not something you see every day.

So yeah, us BMW drivers are a bunch of assholes, but most of us aren't this bad. And again, I'm not condoning this kind of behavior, but I understand. Those cars are neat. Just don't be a dumbfuck and put a bunch of other people at risk when you're driving it, and more importantly, don't bust up your brand-new Bimmer. No, I do not do shit like what this guy did, but yes, I am a bad person.

Monday, January 16, 2006

As we all know, I have somewhat more than a passing interest in figure skating. And it's not just because I have the hots for some of the skaters, Sasha in particular (we're on a first name basis), but I actually do enjoy watching it for what it is. And of course, when I say figure skating, I mean real figure skating -- not that ice dancing shit, which is just pairs without all of the hard stuff.

The US team going to the Olympics was recently announced, and surprise, surprise, Michelle Kwan will be going to compete, pending approval over her recent injuries. It's as if she gets to go just out of obligation. Pretty much like how I was convinced that under the old judging system, one of the required elements was to be Michelle Kwan, giving her an instant advantage as it was something no other skater could master. Nevermind the fact that she's got some mad skills and all that; she's gotta be older than everyone else on the US skating team by at least 40 years. I'm gonna start calling her Loder.

I know I once said that I'd be OK with Loder finally getting her gold medal, but fuck that. Sasha had better fucking win this time. And she can, too, she just hasn't. I would also be remiss if I didn't post some kind of link to remind you how goddamn hot that girl is, just in case you'd forgotten. Sure, she doesn't have the underage thing going for her anymore, but as I concluded over the weekend, I suppose I'd still hit that. At least at 21 I know she isn't going to be getting any taller, and I guess the fact that she can drink could be useful in some fashion. Because, you know, I'll be in a position someday to take advantage of all that. Yeah, in a position. Don't I wish.

No way dude, fuck that. The next time that Champions on Ice tour comes to the Can in Denver, I'm there, and I am on it. Sure, I fucked up when I've been to that event before, but that's all gonna change. Just like how ETP gave Peyton Manning a pep talk after that preseason game that Indy played against the Broncos so that he would perform well in ETP's fantasy league, I'm gonna give Sasha a pep talk, if you know what I mean.

Oh, and for all you fucking Google searches who have been here on Sasha Cohen-related queries lately, here: her height is 5'1" or 5'2", her weight is in the neighborhood of 94 lbs., and you are not gonna find pictures of her any dirtier than the ones you find on her official site as linked above. So quit fucking asking already. Christ, if only it was that easy to stop the stupid.

Oh, and not that anyone's been Googling for it, but I'll also throw out there that you can see her on Leno's show this Wednesday if you are so inclined.

So yeah, I'm actually looking forward to the Winter Olympics, as opposed to the Summer Olympics which for all I care don't exist anymore. There are actually two things I care about in the Winter Games: figure skating, of course, and curling. Since we failed to get our shit together and form our own curling team (or even to buy a shuffleboard table), I guess we'll just have to be relegated to watching it from afar once again.
I'm pretty convinced at this point that Iran isn't a threat to anyone. I really think that Iran in general, and Ahmadinejad in particular, just like pushing the West's buttons. I mean, c'mon. Iran. Calling a conference on the Holocaust. Man, speaking of credibility. Even hard-line Islamists have gotta be sitting there saying "Dude... That's funny." Okay, maybe I'm wrong and all, but I really think that Iran is just in it for the antagonism.

In a related story, I'm planning on conference on the myth that internet chatrooms are nothing but a bunch of sick, filthy perverts.

People like it when you're topical

Get back to us when you're relevant, Al. It's not that what you're saying is totally off-base, it's just that it has about as much credibility as if it was Michael Moore bitching about it. And for fuck's sake, Albert, don't ever suck face with your wife in front of anyone ever again.

"Where did he get her, at a Halloween party? Lemme ask you something: does he actually have to fuck that woman? God help him; I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick."
- Carlin Marilyn Quayle

I like to do things that are fun.

Via Diesel Sweeties, I discovered a new comic that I find quite amusing: Overcompensating. A sampling of some of my favorites from the archived comics I've read so far:

Ghosts Can't Use Cell Phones Very Well (it's been a long time since I've laughed as hard as I did at this one)
Here Comes Weedmaster P (you've gotta read his comments, because that's often one of the best parts of his posts)
Tiberius William Seward Burroughs Rowland
Mashed Potato Melancholy (the guy digs Ghostbusters)
Party Til You Start Freaking Out
Go For It, Superman!