Saturday, March 25, 2006

Okay, so on suggestion, I'm compiling some of the more recent search engine hits into one big post. The flow feels a little odd since I'm not used to building posts over a week's time like this, but it does have kind of a nice lightning-round style to it. I'll give this a shot for awhile and see how it works. I'll also await feedback from Natalia since she A) made the initial suggestion and B) is about the only one who comments consistently as of late. All that aside, though, this truly is another sampling that shows what a wasteland the internet, and by extension humanity, has become.

worn panties for mom

What, is this what you're planning to get her for next Xmas or something? You are a bad son or daughter. Or your mom is weird.

when a man don't love you anymore

You're assuming he loved you to begin with. And, considering your poor grammar, I can't blame him in either case.

YOU FUCK ME GOOD

Apparently, the new-and-improved MSN search really is new-and-improved.

is imitation crab and pregnancy

Is imitation crab and pregnancy... Is it what?! God fucking damn it, I am tired of this one. Long-timers can think back and remember me getting hits along these lines. Well, lately they're stepping it up, and I still don't know what the bloody connection is they're looking for.

"Rob Testes"

The sheer fact that someone went searching for this is fucking awesome.

fuck me necessary

Fucked into relevance -- nice.

should i leave my man ?

Considering that you're asking MSN this question, I hope your man is the one who leaves you. What is with all these sad sacks asking search engines for relationship advice?

girl fucks a swiffer

Swiffer Wet or Swiffer Dry? I mean beforehand, not after the fact.

do geniuses already know everything

How appropriate that this search was made by someone who, quite clearly, epitomizes the exact opposite of genius.

10 ways to get a girl to suck your dick

Not only does the search being made piss me off, but this is another one of those where the pickiness of their query makes me want to punch them in the face. Why does it have to be ten, you greedy fuck? Shouldn't a few of them be good enough for most situations? This is assuming, of course, that there were some kind of textbook ways to get head to begin with. This is the kind of guy shit I'm sick of, the kind of nonsense that gave rise to and has been reinforced by rubbish like Maxim. By the quality of your search, I can tell that there are only a couple of ways you might be able to get a girl to blow you:
  1. Get rich (probably not likely in your case)
  2. Save your allowance for a hooker
And just to mix things up, some spam:

Mum teaches her son proper sex

Because nothing says "proper" like incest between parent and child. I could really deal without my spam folder being an episode of Law and Order: Sport Utility Vehicle, thanks. I get enough of that in the chatrooms.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Jay Mohr is right. Granted, he is several years behind the curve in bitching about non-competitive sports for kids, but he says pretty much everything I have to say on the subject. All I would add is that if your kid can't handle losing, either euthanize him or keep him at home and inside for the rest of his life.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

I think jokes about the World Wars might be the funniest thing going, as The Onion has shown once again:

Franz Ferdinand Frontman Shot By Gavrilo Princip Bassist

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND--Lead singer and guitarist for pop band Franz Ferdinand, Alexander Kapranos, is in critical condition today after being shot by a man identified as the bassist for rock group Gavrilo Princip. "We ask fans to cooperate with Interpol to find the assailant, and call upon British Sea Power, Snow Patrol, and The Postal Service for help," drummer Paul Thompson told music magazine NME Monday. "The suspect had links to The Decemberists and The Libertines, and we are following up on all leads." It is unclear whether the shooting was linked to The Polyphonic Spree's invasion of Belgium earlier this week.


Anytime you make a reference to British Sea Power, which may be the best band name ever, you are already doing something right.

In this week's issue, they also helped reiterate that sex offender jokes are also hilarious. I think they oughta start selling "Area Pedophile" t-shirts to add to their "Area" t-shirt collection, but somehow I'm guessing that won't be a top-seller.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Anyone who's been here awhile knows I get an inordinate amount of hits from people searching for stupid shit. I know I'm not special in this regard, as anyone who watches site traffic through something like Sitemeter has to put up with this. It's probably worse in my case than many, though, considering how low the bar is set here with the things I write about and how I choose to write about them. So I guess I'm at least kinda special (Special Ed! Ha! That's not funny.).

Although I post dumb hits on here a lot, I thought I'd post a sampling of the kind of shit I have to deal with from just the most recent 100 hit results because I'm especially pissed about them right now for some reason.

how to fuck your boyfriend hard??

I find myself wondering if this was a guy or a girl asking this question. I think the double question marks at the end is a major clue, but I'm not sure which way that clue tips the scales. Either way, this person is a re-re.

how to have sex like a real man

This falls into the category of "if you have to ask a search engine, you'll never know." You're obviously in trouble if it's come to this, so just punt.

how can tell if my man is fucking someone

This is kind of the opposite of the preceding search hit. If you have to ask a search engine this question, you already know the answer, and the answer is yes.

will this shit get any easier

Ibid (with the obvious answer this time being "no").

HOW TO GET SOMEONE TO CATCH ME NAKED

Step 1: get naked. Step 2: get caught. Step 3: profit! So fucking simple that "Step 2" isn't even "???" How could you fuck this up? Just don't hide somewhere, and it should be simple. If it's not simple, kill yourself.

mayfair razzle scans

Paul Raymond is one of my personal gods. I don't know if Paul Raymond is a real guy, but Paul Raymond Publications put out Mayfair and Model Directory. I don't know if MD is still getting made, but these were two of the finest soft-core skin rags ever made. Unfortunately, PRP also put out drivel like Razzle and Escort. "Low-rent" doesn't even begin to describe these disgraces. I can still let Paul Raymond be a god, though, because a god doesn't have to be perfect. Take our god, for instance, assuming he exists even though he doesn't. He gave us things like Sasha Cohen and BMW. But he also gave us, well, the rest of the world. You win some, you lose every fucking thing else.

Reading your pussy

Girls, I do not profess to understand much if anything about you, but I thought I was pretty solid on the notion that I couldn't delve into literature down there. Is that what they were talking about, like reading a book or some shit, or something along the lines of palm reading? Either way this reeks of nonsense and of course, fish. If it's the former, could this be why a bunch of stupid guys don't like going down on a woman? They just don't want to have it turn into English class? "Eat your pussy? No thanks; I'm waiting for Cunnilingus: The Motion Picture." Then all the snobs can run around talking about how the book was much better.

I think I took that last one further than I needed to, but fuck it. That still doesn't excuse brain stems like the other ones exemplified in this post. If you have to go do a search on the Infoshitter for anything along these lines, we have a space reserved for you in the cage.