Saturday, April 01, 2006

Dog shit taco

Okay, so I read this a couple of days ago, and naturally, it fucking pissed me off. I will never, ever understand why swearing is a big deal. My website is quite possibly one of the most profanity-laden pieces of shit out there, and not a single person has been harmed by it. Well, not that I know of. But there are people who have literally been visiting this shit heap for years, and they seem to be just fine.

And me? Well, I could be doing better on many fronts, I suppose, but things would be no better or no different if I no longer used profanity as a matter of course.

But even though we can't print them, we can certainly ask: Are we living in an Age of Profanity?

Dumbest and most useless question, ever.

Nearly three-quarters of Americans questioned last week -- 74 percent -- said they encounter profanity in public frequently or occasionally, according to an Associated Press-Ipsos poll. Two-thirds said they think people swear more than they did 20 years ago. And as for, well, the gold standard of foul words, a healthy 64 percent said they use the F-word -- ranging from several times a day (8 percent) to a few times a year (15 percent).

So fucking what? Statistics are almost all useless bullshit, but these have even less relevance than 99% of the rest of the pack.

He's not really offended by bad language -- heck, he uses it himself every day. But sometimes, a customer will unleash the F-word so many times, Cormack just has to jump in.

"Heck"? Give me a break. And stopping people from using "fuck" if they're using it excessively? Dude, you work in a fucking bar. Look, I've said it before -- you are not gonna come across as being very articulate if you talk that way. But if you don't give a shit about that, fuck it.

Actually, you know what? Fuck all that shit, Silent Bob. I may be lax quite often, but even still I have a pretty good grasp of the English language, and I can turn it on when I want to, which I do pretty regularly. You can have the best of both worlds if you play your cards right.

Or on the Senate floor, for that matter, where Vice President Dick Cheney used the F-word in a heated argument two years ago.

Yeah, remember what a big deal that was? Cheney orchestrates wars that kill thousands, but yeah, we should be concerned about Cheney saying "fuck."

"Do I have to be insulted right there in my own home?" she asks. "I'm not going to pay $54 a month for cable and listen to that garbage."

So either don't pay or don't listen YOU DUMB OLD FUCKING CUNT! God fucking damn it, re-reading this just now got me so pissed off that I nearly bit the inside of my own mouth. And no, bitch, you don't have to be insulted in your own home, but you definitely should be insulted there and anywhere else you drag that rotten carcass of yours.

"I tell them, 'I have a dictionary and a Roget's Thesaurus, and I don't see any of those words in there!'"

While we're at it, you can shove that dictionary and thesaurus up your ass sideways, lady.

And his wife? "She never swears."

Divorce the stupid bitch. Seriously, I could probably bend on a lot of things, but a wife who doesn't swear? Nuh-uh, that isn't happening.

They don't like it when people swear for no good reason.

Many of those who swear think it's wrong nonetheless.

Two more asinine statements. Wrong? I never, ever understood using swear words as a moral issue. How is it wrong? Where is the harm? Bringing harm unto others for no good reason is wrong. Killing people who believe things like the above is right.

What the world, or at least this uptight country, really needs more of with this bad language shit is me. I'm not kidding; this country needs my help to lighten the fuck up. I've noticed that at places where I spend a lot of time, I eventually lower the bar for language. Like my job back at school, or my current job. When I started both jobs, the language people used was pretty sterile. But as I got more comfortable with the people, I loosened up, and started talking more like I do here. Others seemed to follow suit, and it is good.

Look, there's a time and place for everything. Like I said, you don't do well for your image if all you do is swear. Shit, look at my image here. But the issue with this 'blog was that I started it in the frame of mind of talking like I'm talking to someone like ETP. In most situations, I'm smart enough to know what's appropriate and what's not. I don't let it fly when go into job interviews or make business phonecalls. But when I'm around people who can handle it or I'm at least comfortable with, shit's on. As I pointed out above, your language can be flexible if you do it properly.

But what about the children?! Man, fuck the children. No, I don't mean like that. Not in this post, at least. The only harm that comes from so-called bad language is because of the stigma we attach to it. Period. And as far as teaching them proper use of language, I'd basically teach them that there's nothing wrong with swearing, but they need to understand that there are gonna be people who will not be comfortable with it (as Carlin basically did with his kids, in case you've already heard this strategy).

As I believe I've said before, the only good thing about swearing being "bad" is that it makes it all the more fun to do it. Maybe we are more desensitized to it (although not really if I'm reading shit like this), but swearing would not have the impact that it does if most everyone was comfortable with it. Hell, this 'blog wouldn't be a goddamn thing if that were the case. So maybe I should just stop my fucking complaining. Yeah, that's pretty bloody likely.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

I continue to find out things about Islam that prohibit any chances of me becoming a fan. I'm glad the couple is fighting it, but that doesn't change that this is really stupid.

When local Islamic leaders got to hear, they said Aftab's words constituted a divorce under an Islamic procedure known as "triple talaq." The couple, married for 11 years with three children, were told they had to split.

Insert displeased sighing noises.

Sohela would also have to spend a night with another man and be divorced by him in turn.

Yeah, there's really nothing more I need to say.
What could be cooler than being in a situation where David Hasselhoff has to stay the fuck away from you? The only people this would disappoint is the Germans. They build some great cars, but they have some shitty taste in music -- whether they disavowed all knowledge of the Scorpions or not.
Here's a quick roundup of recent webcomics, pretty much just so I can find them easily if need be.

Jeffrey Rowland is crazy -- right. Christ I'm embarassed to have phrased it that way, but his point stands. Larry the Cable guy is an unfunny retard.

The dialogue is not particularly funny in this one, but once I saw Weedmaster P's t-shirt my laughter nearly caused me to choke on the air I was breathing.

Transformers references are often great, especially when they're executed like this.

When he's not being pussified, Red Robot is the hardest motherfucker out there.

Penny Arcade seems to be sucking balls these days. One of the only ones I can remember that I found funny recently was this one, which was entertaining to me for pretty obvious reasons. Next time on IRC I think I'll tell Gabe that he and Tycho need to be funny and not lame.
Alright, so I guess (some of) the searchers in my traffic log are more imaginative than I thought, because it's pretty easy after all to put together big lists of fucked up shit and other random nonsense.

girls getting fucked by elephants

Christ, I'm not even sure what to say to some of these anymore. Ouch, I guess?

"man dies" from "watching anime"

Considering the quality of many (most?) anime fans, this should be happening a lot more than it probably is.

leave everything a little better than how you found it

I think my favorite searches are the ones that are wholly inappropriate to this site's content.

how to fuck mormon girls

How do you fuck a Mormon girl? You don't. Trust me, it is not worth it. If you recall, I never even came close to fucking that girl, and it was a goddamn nightmare as it was. I can only imagine the bullshit that would have come attached to any kind of relationship, nonetheless sex. Yes, for Mormons, a sample size of one is adequate.

fuck gringos jokes

If you find any good gringo jokes, let me know, because the half of me that's not gringo is all over that. Shit, the side of me that is gringo is all over that, because that's probably the side responsible for hating everyone.

South Pole cervix

There's a joke in here, but it's just not coming to me. All I know is that when I hit upon it, it's probably not gonna be pleasant.

is it easier with a man when comes time to you know what

This is currently the most pathetic search hit I've gotten looking for sex advice. "You know what"? You are so repressed that you can't bring yourself to type words like "sex" or "fuck" into a search engine? To say nothing of what you're asking to begin with? Hey, you know what? I don't want you breeding.

java is the most fucking piece of shit language in the whole fucking damn fucking shit fucking fuck fuck fuck world.

Wow. I hear ya, dude -- Java is lame. But I'm not sure if anyone has ever gotten here via a search engine this pissed about anything.

correct way to mastubate

With knives. Seriously, I'm fucking sick of you kids who can't figure out what all of the rest of us have figured out, and I just want you to chop your dicks off and save us all the trouble. If, by chance, you're a hot girl, the correct way is with me helping out. Yes, I know it's complicated down there and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but that means we're both on about the same level, so it certainly wouldn't hurt to at least have some company.

how to fuck up the ass

I'd imagine you can fuck up an ass by putting something in it that's too big and doesn't belong in the first place. Like, say, an elephant cock.

women that would like to fuck me

Some of these just write their own jokes.

danica patrick aint got no tits

I'll tell ya what, guys. You take all the Sasha Cohens, the Danica Patricks, and any other reasonably hot small-breasted women and send them my way, ok? I'll know what to do with them. Yeah, if only I could come close to backing up that bluff. But man, fuck guys who are overly concerned about breast size. They all oughta be put on a train to a Happy Camp.


I'll tell you how you get even with someone. Say, for instance, you're in high school, and you have this friend with rich parents and a nice house. Also say that he once gave you they key to his house so you could party while he and his family were out of town, and you made unauthorized copies of said key so you could use the house whenever you wanted, because you and your group of friends are assholes like that. Furthermore, let's say that one time when you were joyriding in the rich kid's Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited, that another set of friends led by a certain individual dropped by the house and made it seem like the rich friend and his family got back early from their vacation, scaring you and the other assholes out of your minds when you get back from abusing his SUV. You're, of course, pissed at this transgression, and especially at the ringleader. What you do to him is you wait a few years, and when the time is right, you fuck his wife and make sure he knows about it. That's how you get even with that motherfucker.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

10 Ways to get a Girl to Suck your Dick

So as it turns out, Buck was right. This is an article worth writing. So I'm blogging it up. Some of this is review. Of course, these tips aren't sure-fire ways to help get head, but if you were expecting any kind of guarantee, you are dumber than Buck.

1) Get rich. Chicks dig dudes with money. Not all chicks. Well, the kinda chicks who would go down on a guy like me. Good point.

2) Stop listening to advice from magazines like Maxim. You know those advice articles you keep reading? You know, the ones where you read shit like "look at your watch, and then if she looks at her watch right afterwards, it means she digs you," and after you finish you say "That makes sense!" I have seen sad sacks like this, and they failed to get head.

3) Don't be me. I don't wanna think how long it's been since I've gotten a blowjob, so clearly being BLM is not conducive to getting sucked.

4) Reciprocate. If you're man enough, or thirsty enough, kick it George W. Bush school and pre-emptively reciprocate. Shock and awe! Shock and awe! I'm sure you will turn out as shocking and awe-inspiring as the beginning of the Iraq war, but if you want your pee-pee in her mouth, then you better be willing to have hers in yours. And for god's sake, don't go Larry David on her, either. Look, I don't expect you to be Mr. Pussy (since it's just gonna freak Charlotte out anyway), but let's see some enthusiasm down there. If you need to, just pretend you're at Red Lobster.

5) Don't get hung up on spitting vs. swallowing. Part of me thinks, well, if it's already in your mouth, why not swallow? But you know, sometimes when you get something in your mouth, you're like, damn, I don't want this in my mouth, and I certainly don't want it staying in my body for any extended period of time. Just be happy you're getting blown; if this concerns you too much, you don't deserve head to begin with.

6) Be polite. I'm not talking about the dinner or diamonds or whatever, but make sure you're ready to warn her when you're about to lose it. And no, Dane, you cannot say it into the seatbelt, the seatbelt isn't sucking your dick. I failed to do this once with my first girlfriend, and I've always wondered if that's part of why she eventually dumped me. It also could have been because she was a fucked up bitch, so it's hard to say. But she was not too pleased being "congested" the next day; that much I know.

7) Don't listen to me. I've already pointed out that being me is bad, but just listening to me is bad. I clearly don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, else the only "mouth" I cum into these days wouldn't be one that flushes.

8) Ask Dr. Ruth. She's awesome. Maybe she can't really help you, but who doesn't like listening to that dirty old Jew?

9) There is no #9. The list just needs to be 10 to please the marketing people, and because I haven't alluded to Carlin in awhile (that I remember).

10) Stop being yourself. No, I mean you need to be someone completely different. Have you taken a look at yourself? Would you blow you? I wouldn't. Neither would anyone else. You need to alter the very fabric of your being, and maybe -- maybe -- you can get some skank to put your dick in her mouth.

Now go ye forth and get ye some head, gentleman. Or don't, because you suck. Just not in a good way, unless if you can get flexible enough to suck your own dick. Technically, this isn't a tenth reason, since the whole point was to get a girl to suck your dick. I guess you could put a wig and some lipstick on and just pretend, plus you're already a huge pussy anyway. I heartily endorse this for many of you, because there's a chance you will end up snapping your spine, and we didn't need you to begin with.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

At least I didn't get any shitty Slipknot lyrics in my e-mail

Then there are the people who show up here and blatantly do not get it. Instead, they get special mention and and humiliated publicly. And the award for worst costume this year goes to ... Stan, for his stupid little clown-thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children.
Several weeks back, I had a precipitous drop in my traffic numbers. It was around the time I made my call for Ann Coulter to be raped and when I was ripping on Islam over the cartoon nonsense. It also could have been around the time when J-List de-linked me. There could be some interrelation there, or it could be none of that.

Just in case it was the making fun of Islam thing, I'm gonna point out again that Islam is ridiculous. Well, apparently, at least if you follow the letter of the law laid down by the Koran (since I do not know the Koran at all -- big shocker that I'm forming an opinion from a standpoint of ignorance -- I dunno for sure if this is pretty much what is says or if it's open to interpretation). I've gotta believe (or at least, I want to believe) that beliefs like this aren't mainstream with Muslims, but then again, there were shitloads of people protesting cartoons. And either way, some Muslim leaders are calling for death, and that doesn't bode well for being able to take a religion seriously. Because, you know, I take so many of them seriously.

Of course, this would not be getting much if any run here in America if it wasn't for the fact that the guy converted to Xtianism. Had he converted to anything else, except maybe Judaism and if Israel got wind of it and got pissed (meaning we have to get pissed too), we wouldn't hear shit and people like Bush wouldn't give a damn.
Okay, so I was looking through the OC messageboards after Jeffrey shut them down, and I came upon one of the best screen names ever:


That's one of the best things since this one guy named Tom who was on a mailing list I was on several years back, and his e-mail address was I think I'm going to have to rip off HotRodBeefSquad for one of my next posting names. That is, as soon as I can bring myself to give up the current one. You don't need to know why it's funny, you just need to know that it's funny. Some of this shit is just for me.