Saturday, April 15, 2006

I just realized that beating off on Easter should be referred to as "The Second Coming"

As I've pointed out before, I don't watch much TV. Again, I don't do it to try and think I'm cool like one of those people who brags about how they don't watch TV or don't even own a TV. And I'm not one of those people who refers to it as the "idiot box" and I think people who have a "Kill your TV" bumper sticker should drown themselves in a bathtub. Or, better yet, plug the TV in and drop it in the bathtub while you're in it too. How do you kill an inanimate object anyway, professor?

No, I'm not that kind of asshole (here at Fe, I never want to give you the wrong impression as to exactly what kind of asshole I really am). But I do still loathe most of what's on TV because it flat-out sucks, and that's why even though it wouldn't be such a financial burden at this juncture, I'm not bumping my cable package up above the basic $10 one I'm rolling with now. The only reason I have any cable, after all, is because having cable gets me a $10 discount on my internet service. If I get rid of cable, they hook me ten bucks more a month anyway, so it's a wash and may as well keep something.

You see, when I turn on the TV, I run through the handful of channels, declare that, once again, all that's on is rubbish, and then I'm done with it. Things were the same before when I had more channels, meaning that the results were the same but it just took longer to get through all the drivel.

About the only time I end up watching any TV is when I'm around ETP and BOETP. Since we're old and either have nothing to do or nothing we want to do, lots of times the TV ends up coming on and we look through all the shit. I saw a few things last night that I thought were worth mentioning.

The first thing we got into was some Christian programming. There is nothing worse on TV than religious shit, and the stuff we saw last night was (expectedly) a fucking atrocity. The first thing we saw that really sucked us in was a show called -- this is too stupid to make up -- Acquire the Fire. The theme for that particular show was how -- again, too stupid to make up -- Christianity was under siege and in grave danger of having its numbers dwindle. Why? Because of rampant marketing and consumerism that is taking young people away from Him. Most of the episode was dedicated to this story about the near future where only 4% of the world is Christian, and Christianity is viewed unfavorably in America. God, if only that would come true.

In the "future" world, things are basically a police state and everyone is a mindless drone who eats the shit that corporate America feeds them. You know, just like now. Only in ATF's future, Christian faith is driven underground and believers are dealt with harshly. Not as harshly as throwing them to the lions as I'd like, but hey. Anyway, the episode of ATF continues with a fictitious future show that is broadcast on "Internet 2", AKA i2 (clever, these Xtians are), which is the new medium for delivering masses of shit to the masses. The fictitious show is hosted by this obnoxious cunt who is probably Xtian in real life and should be thrown to the lions at any rate.

During one particular broadcast, a couple of "hackers" hijack the signal feed to try and spread the message and urge repressed Xtians worldwide to stand up for their beliefs. This is where things really unravel. It was bad enough before -- they're talking about people being mindless, and easily led and manipulated by others, and told how to think, and blah blah blah. Of course, the manipulator in their eyes is the corporate world, with the great irony being that everything they're complaining about is exactly what religion does to it's ignorant masses. But once the two "hackers" get caught, they really start rubbing this fact in, totally unaware of what dumb shitheads they all are. And it's not just that; this is when all sorts of childish humor that I guess is funny to Xtians kicks into high gear.

I don't want to be redundant here or anything, but I have to be in this case. Christians: your jokes aren't funny. I know you think they're super, but they're shit, errrrrr, number 2. The only religious people with good jokes, as we all know, are the Jews. And as ETP pointed out, the key there might be that Jews don't think their own jokes are funny, whereas Christians think their number 2 smells like roses.

In addition to deriding the rest of society for doing the exact same things that keep religion in business to begin with, there's the overarching theme of Christianity being under attack. You know, the same bullshit mentality that has Bill O'Reilly complaining about Christmas being threatened, and his constant ranting about "secularists" (oh, the ignominy of it all, in a supposedly secular country!). I mean, what the fuck? Yeah, Christianity is really in danger here. How many of you fuckers are there out there? It's like white males complaining "we're losing everything!" Fuck you, dooshe -- you already have everything, and could stand to give a little of it back since so much of it was stolen in one way or another anyway.

The creators of ATF even have this movement called -- yet again, too stupid to make up -- Battle Cry. Christ, that's pathetic.

Overall, though, it shows that these assholes just do not get it. There was one part where they were talking about the "future" and something along the lines of how "'separation of church and state' is repeated as a mantra" and frequently used to inspire police action. Hello? Separation of church and state, motherfuckers! That should always be used as a reason for taking some kind of action. Even though we don't have separation of church and state in this country, it's a really good idea that should be enforced you dumb stupid fucking retards.

Oh, and another thing: Xtians, your music, especially your shitty "rock" music, sucks as bad as your jokes. Don't even get me started on the music videos that accompany it.

I really wish I could convey what a farce this all was. The sheer hypocrisy was both mind-blowingly hilarious and annoying all at once. If you get programming from the Daystar Xtian TV network in your area, see if you can catch some Acquire the Fire and see for yourself.

Okay, I really didn't mean to go off on Xtianity like that, but you know I'm always happy to do so when it comes up. And I've been pointing out how stupid Islam is quite a bit recently, so it was due time to give the Jesus fucks a little bit of Fe love. Now on to other mindless ventures.

Another thing I did last night was force myself to sit through some of Carson Daly's talk show Last Call. Why did I do this to myself? I don't know, maybe the guestbook people are right and I really don't like myself after all. Either that or I had some liquor in me and, hey, why not get it on with an ugly whore when you're in that state. And that's what this show is; just a disgusting piece of street trash that everyone should avoid at all costs. Of course, there are plenty of morons out there with no standards, and they will get in bed with this skank of their own volition even when totally sober.

I didn't watch much, and I didn't need to. I mercifully switched channels before Molly Sims came on (oh yay, a stupid cunt who's not fucking attractive), but I watched enough to see all of the lame fucking jokes (I mean, sub-Leno type stuff), all of the shit geared towards younger audiences, and good god, the homophobia. Carson Daly: fuck you. You're a fag, and not the kind of fag that we like here at Fe.

Hi, I'm Carson Daly, and I'm a massive tool.

Is Carson Daly supposed to be cute? I get the sense that a bunch of girls would go apeshit over him, but not this girl. He just looks weird. Kinda like if you took Robbie Williams, shrunk his head along the x-axis, and then yanked hard on his ears until they stretched. But yeah, I think he's supposed to be attractive, or at least, that's how he's marketed. "You're just jealous because he can get a bunch of pussy and you can't, BLM!" Nah, that's not really it. I'm sure he can get laid pretty much whenever he wants, but that's not enough to invoke my hatred. I'm sure Clive Owen can get whatever trim he wants, and we all know how I feel about him.

Another talk show and its host that needs to be put to sleep is Jimmy Kimmel. Kimmel can be entertaining at times, but watching him for five minutes last night was also grating. The only reason I didn't switch the channel pretty quickly was because Charlie Sheen was on, and I am down with Masheen. For me, Sheen is up there in Clive Owen and Orlando Bloom territory. Honestly, though, if you, as a man, can't get on board with how good-looking Charlie Sheen is and what a bad-ass he is with that smooth attitude he's got, you're gay. I'm not impressed with Two and a Half Men, but that doesn't detract from what he is.

I'm getting off on another tangent here, though. One thing that came up while Kimmel was interviewing him was that Sheen is starting a line of clothes for little girls. Once more, I am not making this up. Look for yourself. Do a search for "Sheen Kidz" and you can find a sampling of what his line will be offering.

At first, I was like, this has to be a joke. Charlie Sheen making a line of clothes for girls seems about as appropriate as, well, me making a line of clothes for girls. But as the interview went on, I was like, no, he's serious. Then I verified it this morning, and there you have it. I suppose Sheen has cleaned up in the past few years, and he's a dad and shit now, so it doesn't seem as awkward as I initially thought. But still.

Out of the few channels I get, one is the Jesus channel, and two of the others are the Spanish channels, Univision and Telemundo. I'm fine with the Spanish channels; anyone who's watched one knows about the hot chicks on Spanish-language soap operas and Sabado Gigante. Don Francisco also kicks ass. But last night I caught a Ronco infomercial. Most all of us are familiar with Mr. Popeil's shitty gadgets, but I saw one last night that was just fucking disturbing. Keep in mind who this is coming from; I've either seen or imagined some fucked up shit, and what I saw really bothered me.

What vexed me so? The solid flavor injector. That right there is a big-ass syringe for ejaculating food into other food. And "ejaculating" really is the best word to describe it. It wasn't so much the product itself as the video that this particular infomercial had to demonstrate the product. Someone would shove the injector into a chunk of raw meat, and then they would show corn and other veggies being shot into the raw meat so that they could be cooked together after fertilization. They showed this from inside the meat. I don't remember if it was real or just an animation, and it doesn't matter in either case. The image of the veggies being pumped inside damaged me. It just looked unnatural. Watching it, I wasn't sure if I wanted to beat off or start screaming hysterically and crying. Probably all of the above.

Okay, so congratulations, you just spent Friday night with me. You'd probably rather not be around Saturday night, though, because I most likely will be beating off, I'm just not sure if I can do it without the haunting thoughts of that goddamn solid flavor injector. I will, however, be testing out my liquid flavor injector, if you know what I mean.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Sometimes nigga you gotta race quit your fucking bitching

I like Dave Chappelle. He's a funny guy, and has to be in my top ten list of comics. I never saw much of Chappelle's Show, but I am certainly sick and tired of hearing shit about him quitting it. If it's finally done, and never coming back, fine. Shut the fuck up about it, Dave. I'm tired of all the whiney excuses. "I had to sell out, boo hoo!" is basically how it's coming across.

Sorry, but that seems to be the nature of things in that business. Someone throws fifty mill at you, which you agree to, and I'm guessing you're going to have to allow yourself to be compromised. That doesn't make it right; that's just how it is. I don't doubt that he went through some shit, and it's hard to fault someone for sticking to principle. Except when they sign that big contract beforehand while knowing full well what's probably gonna happen.

"I felt like I was really pressured to settle for something that I didn't necessarily feel like I wanted."

Again, boo hoo. Sell out or don't, I don't give a shit, but quit the nonsense complaining.

"The thing about show business is that, in a way, it forces dysfunctional relationships in people."

Duh. Not a single one of us needs to be in show business to know that everyone involved in it is fucked up.

"The bottom line was, white people own everything, and where can a black person go and be himself or say something that's familiar to him and not have to explain or apologize?"

And quitting your show helps this situation how?

I should really reserve judgment until I've read the full article (which I won't), but this seems pretty consistent with everything I've heard since he went AWOL. Let's all go watch Killin' Them Softly, which is one of the better comedy specials ever put together, and try and forget all this ever happened.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006


So I was reading yesterday that Muhammad Ali made some crazy jack selling the marketing rights to himself. That's fine by me. And it's pretty logical for any Muhammad Ali business venture to have "The Greatest of All Time" attached to it, but I don't know if they should really be putting that acronym out there -- G.O.A.T. It just doesn't seem right. Plus, it makes me want to start a business whose acronym is G.O.A.T.S.E., which, of course, stands for "The Greatest of All Time Shakes Endlessly."

That may be tasteless, but many if not most of you won't get how unnecessary it really is. And honestly, I don't have much sympathy for boxers who develop neurological disorders since, after all, their job involves repeatedly getting punched in the head.

This is also an excuse to bring up one of my favorite jokes of all-time, which comes to us from The Onion:

New Grill To Revive Foreman-Ali Rivalry


I got several hits in a row where that was my immediate reaction, so I decided to get kind of a theme going and shoehorn what came after into that theme. I'm clever. It's working out pretty well for me. Either that, or, it gets old pretty quickly, but if I come up with an idea, god damn if I don't execute on it (within the allowed 7%, of course). But yeah, a lot of the hits I get make you question, well, everything.

chewbacca nudie pics

What? Isn't Chewbacca always naked? Or are you one of those kinky fucks who's into shaved Wookie?

m5 is a piece of shit

What? Is it an E39 or E60? Yeah, those are pieces of shit. I suppose I could go through the trouble and take it off your hands for you.

smb3 sucks the god damn fucking game is to fucking hard

What? How big of a dumbass pussy do you have to be to be to get this frustrated over Super Mario Brothers 3? That's, like, one of the best games ever. It's up there with Zelda and shit. But is it hard? The game isn't Super R-Type on novice easy, nor is it the recent Ninja Gaiden hard. It's just about right, I'd say. I know this has become my solution to nearly everything, but if you are having this much trouble with SMB3, just kill yourself.

oh how i hate you and everything you stand for because you are that everything the perfect metaphor


different ways to fuck your wife

What? Since when do married couples have sex with each other? I suppose it could happen, though. And if so, how bad do you feel for this guy's wife? I guess in the end I don't feel too bad; it's your fault if you marry a stem like this. I'm sure that was a fun courtship. "Fuck me." "Wait, first I need to do some Google searches."

proper way to give a blowjob

What? I've never understood how, with minimal thought and effort, you can fuck up a blowjob. Do I need to make another list of 10? Sure, there are going to be different levels in terms of head quality, but I have never seen how it could be anything but good unless if teeth end up involved. For me, at least. I'm sure some guys dig that; if you read this week's Savage Love, you see that there are some guys who like getting their balls cut off. And you know what? If a guy wants his cock chewed or his nuts chopped off, indulge him. You're doing everyone else a favor.

cool shit to do in chicago

What? Kill yourself.

"pseudo-adult" definition


Oh, and to close out, one more question: why are we walking like this?

Monday, April 10, 2006

Back off, man. I'm a scientist.

This just in: praying doesn't do shit. Okay, that's not just in; I read that last week. And I knew praying was stupid long before that. But anyway, I find it rather embarrassing that a respected institution like Duke would waste their time with something like this. Sure, it puts some kind of clinical, official stamp on the issue, but this is something we should all know if we're not idiots, which many of us are.

I find this even more embarassing than that whole rape scandal they have going on. No, not that one. But when it comes to student athletes getting drunk, going nuts, raping strippers, errrrr, exotic dancers, and sending e-mails about skinning people alive, we expect that, at least from the guys. And this is why male student athletes should be exterminated.

Distant prayer and the bedside use of music, imagery and touch (MIT therapy) did not have a significant effect upon the primary clinical outcome observed in patients... Therapeutic effects were noted, however, among secondary measures...

If you don't already know this, you're a retard. Can I get a job on staff at Duke Medical? If you know people are praying for you or you are praying yourself, I can see how it could have some side benefits. By lowering stress and whatnot it may help matters a little, but it's not going to directly fix what's wrong. And why not? Do I even need to answer that question here anymore?

I really don't have anything new to add to this notion since I've been over this before, but it really does need to be said once more what a bunch of weak-ass shit prayer is. Praying for yourself is bad enough, but the absolute worst is praying for someone else. That is the biggest fucking cop-out ever. Nah, I'm not going to do anything real to help this person; I'm going to say some words (maybe not even out loud) to a man who doesn't exist or wouldn't do shit anyway even if he did. It's merely a way for the powerless to feel like they're doing something or having an impact when they aren't.

Another religious item that came up recently was this, which is yet another waste of fucking time. Okay, it pisses of some Christfuckers, so it's not a total waste, but really. Do we need to explain those stories from the bible, events which for all we know may or may not have ever happened? Maybe Jesus really walked on water. Maybe it was actually something he was floating on. Or maybe, just maybe it's all total made-up bullshit. We have no way of knowing what happened, if anything, because none of us were there. So stop all this intellectual masturbating, for Christ's sake.