Saturday, May 13, 2006

Don't worry, I'm not going back to the old-school way of doing things; I'll still be doing the digest format from here on out, but this one I needed to get off my chest. Google search:

I am getting a fuckton of hits like this one for that spam e-mail I posted on recently, and it's really pissing me off. I'm guessing a lot of people are questioning whether or not the e-mail is real, even though it should be obvious to anyone worthy of employment. Look, I know times are tough, but no one should ever be desperate enough to even consider working for a company seeking "well-executive" people. I'm so tired of this stupidity that I nearly went back and deleted that post (something I don't think I've ever done, even though I probably should have on many occasions), but I just went back and left a special note for Google searchers instead.

There had better be a nicer selection of shoes and accessories, though

I have to second ETP's motion. This is their killer app once again; this is how they'll get me to drop $460 for a 360. But how could I not? We all need Xtreme Beach Beat-off 2.

Fucking waterslides. Oh, yeah, and all the T&A and stuff too. This could very well be the greatest game of all-time.

Easy joke, yes, I know

Well, that might explain a lot.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

It will be interesting to see what the Democrats will do to fuck this up. And by interesting, I mean infuriating. They should be even further out ahead at this point considering that pretty much everything is going against the Republicans these days. I think Ted Rall put it best. But yes, there are several months until election day, and that gives the Democrats plenty of time to pull off another tank job. No matter how good it might seem, they'll blow it at some point -- they're the Nintendo of politics.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Well, that was another fantastic waste of time. Man, I want us to be looking into this, but so far, it's just fruitless.

Justice Department spokesman Brian Roehrkasse said the terrorist surveillance program "has been subject to extensive oversight both in the executive branch and in Congress from the time of its inception."

Somehow I get the sense they weren't taking the investigation seriously if their standpoint was that everything was already OK.

Roehrkasse noted the OPR's mission is not to investigate possible wrongdoing in other agencies, but to determine if Justice Department lawyers violated any ethical rules.

Wait, what? Then what the fuck was the point of this anyway? Other than a token effort just to distract people, of course. And I guess that answers my question.

Separately, the Justice Department sought last month to dismiss a federal lawsuit accusing the telephone company AT&T of colluding with the Bush administration's warrantless wiretapping program.

The lawsuit, brought by an Internet privacy group, does not name the government as a defendant, but the Department of Justice has sought to quash the lawsuit, saying it threatens to expose government and military secrets.

Yeah, the Justice Department's stance on all of this is pretty clear. I hate to have to go Star Trek on the situation, but Captain Picard's words are very apropos: "A matter of internal security: the age-old cry of the oppressor."

And if you haven't heard about AT&T's involvement in all this (and as I just discovered, most of the other major telecoms as well), that's pretty fucked up, too. The lengths that these people will go to in order to "protect" us is astounding, and we probably don't even know the half of it yet.
Again, I know this is my solution to a lot of problems, but this kid and kids like him oughta be killed. Twelve years in school? Fuck you, dooshe. You know, I have a friend who has been in school since '97 and still doesn't have her undergrad, but she's at least academically brilliant, she just can't get her shit together in the common sense realm. This kid, on the other hand:

Had he graduated, he would have earned a liberal studies degree in education, communications, theater, health and women's studies.

Yeah, those have "genius" written all over them. I guess he's better off in school since he'll never do shit with any of those, so again, let's just kill him. I mean, just look at that fuck-off. The picture alone is enough to warrant death. Nobody who looks like that is anything but a dipshit.

The Heat Is On

Lately I've been repeatedly listening to songs that I'm pretty sure cause permanent brain damage. You know, songs that you don't want to want to listen to, but you have to because they're oh-so-catchy. You feel nothing but shame every time you listen to and enjoy them, but that doesn't deter you. And I don't mean stuff that's older and even has a kitsch factor going for it (like, say, something by Boston or "Kung Fu Fighting"); no, I mean shit that's just plain fucking bad. A sampling:
  • Frankie Goes to Hollywood - "Relax": Abstinence! The song! Frankie Goes to Hollywood might be the worst band ever.
  • Eddie Grant - "Electric Avenue": Good god! What the fuck is this song even about?
  • Anything by 2Unlimited: I burned a copy of a 2Unlimited CD off a friend, and after labeling it I crossed out "2Unlimited" and then wrote under it "Jock Jams."
  • Right Said Fred - "I'm too sexy": Yeah, What other fucking Right Said Fred song would I mention? Admit it, you like it, right along with...
  • Vanilla Ice - Yeah, okay, this one is also obvious.
  • Kid Rock - "Bawitdaba": I can get on board with Kid Rock a little bit easier since he's not popular anymore.
  • Loverboy - "Everybody's Working for the Weekend": Because those are Loverboy songs, Err... And Loverboy has always sucked.
  • Winger - "Seventeen": No one should ever admit to getting into a song by Winger, but we do when it comes to this crap masterpiece. No, I don't like it because of that. Okay, yes I do.
  • Anything by Kenny Loggins: Yes, this includes "Danger Zone." Shit, especially "Danger Zone."
What would you add to the list that gets you going but you're embarrassed by? Don't get all clever and mention shit that most of us have never heard of (It was this requirement that prevented me from putting stuff by Vengaboys on this list... But if they're well-known enough they'll be retroactively added). Any mention of Huey Lewis and the News is not allowed, because we know how strongly I feel about the best band of the 80s. The same goes for Steve Winwood, who must be referred to as Steve Fucking Winwood from here on out.
I want to find a way to get on board with this, but I just can't. The only things that should smell like Play-Doh are Play-Doh itself, the can that Play-Doh lives in, and your hands after you play with Play-Doh.

The company that is making the Play-Doh frarance, though, what a piece of work those assholes are. Here is a sampling of their fragrances, and I am not making any of these up:
  • Basil
  • Beet root
  • Bourbon (lots of men smell like this anyway)
  • Birthday cake
  • Black pepper
  • Cannabis flower
  • Cappuccino
  • Cedar (great for drawers and closets...)
  • Condensed milk (their page on this fragrance goes into almost disturbing detail on the history and process of making condensed milk)
  • Cosmopolitan cocktail (like women need more than a night out to smell like Cosmos)
  • Dirt (Dirt? Yes, dirt.)
  • Dust
  • Earthworm
  • Holy water (?)
  • Pipe tobacco
  • Riding crop
  • Sushi (Eating it, good; wearing it, especially after a night of Jack, bad)
  • Turpentine (WTF?)
  • Urine (okay, that one I made up -- but I did have to double-check their list to make sure)
And there are tons more, but I finally got sick of going through the list. You can just check for yourself. You know, some of those scents are pleasant, but I can't imagine why you'd want to smell like some of them. And as far as some of the fruity and flowery ones, isn't that what you girls have all those nice smelling lotions from Bath & Bodyworks for? And they don't even have raspberry, the fucking hacks!

Then there are the ones like turpentine that I can't even imagine what the fuck is wrong with you that would possess you to want to smell like that voluntarily. Well, I can imagine; you're an idiot. But are people actually buying and using this shit? I'd like to say that their sales can't be very brisk, but as we know, there are a lot of "creative and crazy" people out there who would -- and probably do -- eat this shit up.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Wow. Just, wow. This may be the single most clever thing they've ever done, and that's saying a lot.

the proper way to fuck the white man's wife

If you have to ask this question, you are not cool enough to be a black guy. Maybe this guy wasn't black to begin with, in which case it's a moot point. But the very fact that you're fucking the white man's wife shows you are doing it properly. What better way to stick it to The Man? It's also nice to see how far we've come in race relations, what with Google searchers like this and people like me who aren't helping matters any.

black mans cum whore

You may wish to speak with the previous searcher.

how do I decide on a career when i suck equally at everything

Kill yourself.

definition of ignorance is strength

You, dear Google searcher, are the poster child for strength.

fun ways to fuck

For my next list of 10, I'm going to put together a collection of boring ways to fuck. Seriously, if you make a query as stupid as this, you deserve nothing but boring sex for the rest of your life.

xxx forced to fuck in jail

Yes, this is a great idea -- I'd love to see Vin Diesel get raped in prison.

major big twat

I'll bet Major Big Twat is friends with Admiral Blowhard. I also think that would make a great Indian name -- Chief Big Twat.

how to force yourself to swallow sperm

What? How exactly do you force yourself to do anything you don't want to do? Either you suck it up and get the job done, or you don't.

is there a medication for someone who has trouble with instant gratification

Yes, but there is a three-week waiting period to get it. If you can't wait and need the problem fixed right away, the suggested substitute is rat poison. Seriously, fuck you, dude. The way to deal with instant gratification is to get what you want as soon as you can. If you can't handle that, you are a failure as a spoiled child. Or poor.

I hate elitist pieces of shit

And we hate you, and everyone else for that matter. Boy, did this Google searcher ever come to the wrong place.

hate ocd ruins everything good

OCD doesn't ruin everything good. In fact, it makes some good things cleaner. While pissing off everyone you know.

fuck masheen

Once he's done making clothes for little girls, The Fuck Masheen should be Charlie Sheen's next business venture.

I want tony blair's big cock

I'd be curious to know how you discovered he has a big cock to begin with. Especially considering that the man apparently has no balls.
I feel nothing but sheer rage whenever David Blaine comes up. If you've been around long enough or dig through my archives you know this. As far as my rage goes, I don't start screaming or punching things, although I really want to. No, I just sit here, keeping myself under control, because I know that if I don't, I'm going to end up hurting myself.

Stunt artist David Blaine was pulled from an aquarium by divers Monday nearly two minutes short of his goal of setting a world record for holding his breath underwater.

WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE, FUCKING STUPID?! Let the retard have his fucking record! Shit, if he dies underwater, then technically he'll be holding his breath for the rest of eternity. Sounds like a solid record to me. Yes, that happens to plenty of other people, but they aren't trying.

"I am humbled so much by the support of everyone from New York City and from all over the world," Blaine said.

This is yet another indication that New Yorkers are fucking losers. If the "real" New Yorkers we've heard so much about in myth and legend really existed, a mob of them would have stormed his stupid bubble, busted the shit out of it, and then eaten him alive. People all over the world also suck, but we don't get anywhere near as much posturing from them as the NYC crowd.

Okay, okay, there are some New Yorkers who are hard-core, like Carlin and Giuliani (except when Giuliani was sucking up to Team Bush at the RNC... yeah, I know why he's doing it, but that is so beneath him). In NY, there are a couple of people that can float, but for the most part the genre sucks.

"This was a very difficult week."

Yeah, tell that to all the people suffering around the world, you shitfucked prick. God, I'm so angry that I'm just making up new words and phrases here. You had a choice in the matter, Dave, and you chose to do something only a total brain stem would do.

After a 100-minute television preamble that showed his training techniques -- including holding his breath in a tank of sharks...

Sharks, like New Yorkers, are also pussies.

Dr. Murat Gunel, who heads Blaine's medical team and is an associate professor of neurosurgery at Yale University School of Medicine, said before the attempt: "He is pushing his body insanely to the limits."

An entire medical team is wasting their efforts on this piece of garbage. Fantastic. And if he's pushing his body to the limits, then just encourage him to push a little further, will ya?

Gunel said the challenge had taken a toll on the magician's body, including liver damage, the sensation of pins and needles in his feet and hands, some loss of sensation elsewhere, and rashes all over his body, which glistened pale white in the tank.

That's a good start, but nowhere near enough suffering to make up for what a cocksucker this dipshit is. I won't be happy until all his limbs rot off painfully and he gets both cancer and full-blown AIDS.

Blaine started training in December, with some help from Navy SEALS.

Real Navy SEALS also would have killed this guy.

The doctor said Blaine had agreed to allow researchers at Yale to examine him after the stunt to see what they can learn about how the body responds to an underwater environment.

Fine. One useful thing that can come of this bullshit.

Linda Brady, of New York City, brought along a boom box and loudly played Jennifer Lopez's "My Love is All I Have." Blaine appeared to respond by bopping to the beat.

"I just love him," Brady said. "He has a creative mind just like me, and he's crazy just like me."

First off, you're a dumb fucking cunt, Linda. You can get in line behind Ann Coulter for a raping. Second, if you listen to Jennifer Lopez, you are automatically not creative. Third, how the fuck is holding your breath for as long as you can "creative"? Who didn't try this in the bathtub or swimming pool as a kid? And finally, crazy? You mean stone cold fucking stupid, lady. Not crazy, just stupid.

Another spectator, David Linker, said Blaine symbolized "man's strength to go beyond what normal people can do."

Fuck that. He's going beyond what normal people have any fucking need to do. I hate stupid pointless shit like this, things where people nearly kill themselves for no bloody reason other than personal glory or "the rush." Sure, we all do stupid, risky things, myself included, but (hopefully) none of us do this for a living, nor do we waste the time and effort of so many others in pursuit of our dumb shit.

All those stunts were performed in New York.

Again, New Yorkers are not as hard-core as they want us to believe, else they wouldn't put up with this fuck-off. By virtue of the fact that New York keeps letting him do this crap in their city, it makes it official: New York deserved 9/11.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

I never expected to see Jeffrey's "Oh-face," but there it is (sorta). Once you read his justification, though, one can totally understand. That also may be the best cameo ever.