Friday, November 02, 2007

I'll bet you wish you'd stayed in bed

Alright Lunchbox let's try this again.

And no, I don't mean the whole blogging thing in general, I mean just trying to get a new post out again. You see, I tried this a couple days back, and it just wasn't feeling right. I even had a few posts under my belt and I went and pulled them all. Aside from the fact that I'm blogging, this is not looking good.

I used to have one main personal guideline for when I was doing this shit regularly: no self-censoring. I don't mean in the sense that I would hold back from saying "fuck" or "cunt" or whatever the hell I felt like -- if that's not clear you're not smart. I mean that quite a bit of what was going on in my head got posted. If there was anything you wanted to know about me (and you didn't), you could either figure it out by reading between the lines or I just fucking spelled it out clear as day. Only a retard like Buck could read this blog and not know what the shit I'm about. And once I posted something -- once it was "released into the wild" -- that was it. Sure, I'd go back and correct some shit. I'd post and re-post and re-re-post like a re-re as I found grammatical errors or thought of something else to add, but I'd never pull anything major out of a post, and I'd certainly never redact an entire post.

Well, now without having gotten a single new post out there, I've violated the above tenet. Yay for standards. I'm getting this shit out there now though, and it's pretty much like it was before, so I suppose that counts for something (yeah, I want a cookie).

Aside from the fact that I'm a sell-out to my own demons I really dunno why I'm doing this. I haven't blogged since February. Blogging started to feel like more of a chore and either it way wasn't entertaining me like it had been. It was also a good way to keep conversation going with ETP without having to do any talking or e-mailing; I could just say shit here or post interesting links or whatever and he had it all in one easy place. Well, I'm bored right now, and ETP is always working his balls off and I don't see much of him, so maybe the site's original utility can be revived. Either way, this experiment in boredom will probably be short-lived. We can hope.

Anyway, to get you caught up on capital "M" Me, here's what you missed:
  1. My four-year anniversary (WTF? Four? I mean, seriously).
  2. Yet another suck-ass summer I thought might be cool that wasn't.
  3. Spring and the beginning of fall, which also suck.
  4. Speaking of sucking, the Cubs. Or the Rockies if you wanna play hardball.
  5. Will someone please punch Chris Matthews in the cock?
  6. Also Tycho, that fat d-bag from Penny Arcade who is sooooo in love with his ability to use words (yay, I can use "fuck" too!). Fuck him because of the aforementioned unfounded arrogance along with how he insists on italicising every other fucking word.
  7. Me, not letting a joke go until it blows... Hard.
  8. Pining about schoolgirls.
  9. Talk about the Bimmer.
  10. Bitching.
In other words, you missed nothing. I'm like Days of Our Lives (or any other soap opera); you can just quit watching me for an extended period of time and then pick me back up at any arbitrary point in the future and still know exactly what the hell is going on.

While we're at it, who the fuck are you anyway? Probably nobody. I mean, I had, I dunno, three regular readers before, and they're long gone by now. I wonder when ETP will even discover this. Maybe I'll show up as an (un)pleasant surprise in someone's RSS aggregator ('cause that's what I went to school for), but that's about it.

Not surprisingly, though, my traffic is still decent, as my sitemeter stats page will attest to. Of course, that's pretty much all due to my incessant use of words like "fuck" and "underage." Man, I just don't know why I ever quit this gig.

Just to let you know that I'm still the same fuck-off (if not worse), I'm gonna share something with you. I think I'm pretty much getting myself into doll collecting. Well, okay, most boys whose families aren't infested with poor germs are doll collectors. The term "action figure" was, after all, invented specifically to avoid using the term "doll." And of course that was necessary because "doll" just isn't manly enough for... Children.

Well I say fuck that. Being 5'3" in good shoes any hopes of manliness died a long, long time ago for me, so that makes it even easier to let my girly side flourish and not give a shit. I like to shop for clothes and I like to decorate, but I also like cars and beer, and I still wanna bang chicks and I don't wanna cut my junk off. At least in this regard, I actually think I'm pretty well balanced.

Like with ETP and his purse, I'm just being honest about what's going on. And I've got a strong feminine side that I'm pretty cool with. So that all sounds pretty good.

After a recent purchase, though, I'm taking the next step. I recently learned about Pinky:st. toys, and I am in love. Cute anime-ish girls with interchangeable bodies so that you can vary their outfits. Cute. Clothes. Dress-up. Awesome.

At this juncture, for any newbies here, if you're about to throw together a sentence with the word "italics" and (probably) a mishandling of "irony," go fuck yourself.

At this juncture, for any old-timers here, you're probably thinking, dude, aside from the whole dress-up element, that's not so bad. At least not in the context of The Girls, who, for the uninitiated, are my collection of female anime figures that I have prominently displayed at my home. They have their own room.

I nearly got into full-flej doll collecting several years ago when I found some dolls on HLJ and a whole series of doll clothes made by a company called Azone. Amongst the clothes you could buy were, of course, sailor schoolgirl uniforms. I think pretty much everything was sold out though, so that put the skids on that descent into "dude, what the fuck" for awhile.

Looking through that Azone stuff, it appears as if most everything is still sold out. Goddammit. Although once I noticed the prices on some of that stuff, I was like yeah, that's kinda roughing up my walkawear too. Even if I could find the dolls in stock and the outfits, I'm not sure I wanna be paying twenty bucks per for outfits.

Just to pull us back from the realms of creepiness for a minute... Well, sorta. Since Japan is on the table, I was bound to come across something fucked up and utterly hilarious at some point. And here that is. Thanks for that, Japan.

Japan: you've got problems, and so do we.

One really awesome series I did come across was "Girls Mission," which appears to simply be schoolgirls with guns. That is seriously so fucking badass that I just don't have words to adequately describe my enthusiasm. I'm not enthused about the seventy-some dollars per doll, but when something like that shows up there's nothing I can do.

I still think my desire to collect dolls is partly just because I want to get to dollhouses. We all know about my hardon for playsets, and the dollhouse is just the Omega Playset. My fetish for minituares is also well documented. So, it's either about mini shit and playsets, or I'm just fucked up.

While we're on the subject, I think it's at least partly through dolls that we completely fuck girls up in our society. After a stroll down the doll aisles at Toys 'R' Sucks with ETP and BOETP one day and listening to her talk about the whole subject, I was like, yeah, I can see how women end up so goddamn crazy.

Oh, and then there was one day a couple years back when I was shopping for Barbies for a friend's daughter for Christmas. I came across Barbie with her kitchen playset. And pregnant Barbie. And I was like, do I really want to be sending this message to a 6-year-old girl? I ended up doing OK though, since I am the best at all toy shopping -- I settled on ballerina Barbie (because she has some talent -- save the jokes) and Veterinarian Barbie (because she has an education and a job).

Looking at those two incidents I'm like, yeah, I'm fucked up, but pretty much all my dumbass shit is in my head. Real life is sicker.

I think maybe another reason I'm looking towards dolls is because I don't have a girlfriend to buy clothes for. Hey, why have toys when you can have the real thing? C'mon ladies, it's a good deal (if you're materialistic like me) -- you will get driven around in nice cars, you will get taken out for nice meals, I will take you clothes shopping, and my back is strong (except that it isn't). Never mind the fact that I'm a complete fucking headcase and this is kinda weird; you can't have it all, you know?

Alright, so you just read a post from a 28-year-old guy talking about dolls and how he's gonna start collecting dolls. Welcome back.

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