Friday, January 11, 2008

Oh yeah, here's another site I've been meaning to pass on (since so many people are reading this... my traffic is actually down since i started posting again, which might be a good thing since most of my traffic is from losers and/or pedophiles showing up via Google): McSweeney's Internet Tendency. The front page is not terribly well organized, though; you have to scroll down a ways just to get to the archives. They have just a ton of funny shit there (like the page of lists) and I've only started to scratch the surface.

A sampling of a few articles I read that I thought were pretty good:

Jesus Christ Decides He Doesn't Want to Celebrate His Birthday This Year
Surgery Is Easy
Other Ways the Terrorists Win
The Neurotic Pickup Artist
Yiddish Spam
A Hillbilly Thanksgiving Menu
Exotic Blitzes
Haiku a Bitter Duck Might Write

Thursday, January 10, 2008

With all due respect to Bill Maher

New rule: if the person you said something offensive about is over it, then everyone else has to shut the fuck up.

Sharpton said he wants Tilghman fired, period. And if the Golf Channel doesn't comply, the network can expect to see Sharpton and his National Action Network supporters picketing its Orlando, Florida, headquarters.

What pisses me off about this shit is all the wasted energy. It could really be put to better use working to actually do something that might matter.

"I don't know why that would pop into her mind, but it popped out of her mouth, and she should be held accountable," the reverend said.

She... Has... Been. Is that where you're really at Al? Someone should be fired for exercising their First Amendment rights? Or for making one mistake? That sounds very, -- shit, what's the word? -- oh yeah, intolerant. Have you even heard of the First Amendment, Al? If she were serious that would be one thing, but any moron, even Al Sharpton (who is very clean by the way) can tell that she wasn't serious, so get over it. People make mistakes, people say dumb shit. It happens, move the fuck on and find another soapbox.

"It's not about Tiger Woods. It's about the station. It's about using public airwaves to offend people," Sharpton said. "Some things are beyond the pale of discussion."

That is just such a fucking pussy-ass stance. We should lynch Al Sharpton.
Yeah I think it would be pretty awesome too if Mark Cuban bought the Cubs but it just isn't gonna happen. And you know, I don't know that Cuban is the answer to the Cubs' woes, but you know, more of the same shit sure isn't either. Cuban would at least be interesting. He would shake things up. And he actually gives a shit about winning. That alone is a marked change from, oh, gee, the last fucking century.
So I discovered a new webcomic that's kinda weird but kinda entertaining too: The Book of Biff.
Just imagine how pissed guys must be if their HMO doesn't cover whatever fucking dentist this article is talking about. I don't know if they have HMOs in Japan but they probably do since they copy all the rest of our shit besides orthodontics.

Alright so just as a warning you're probably better off not clicking the links in the rest of this post if you're at work or something. Nothing pornographic or anything that would get the FBI knocking at your door, though, so relax.

Okay so another thing Japan doesn't copy is the American notion of a "schoolgirl." Or at least I thought they didn't until I saw this shit. I swear to god that better not have been a Japanese photographer responsible for that and if it was they have shamed themselves and stained their entire family for generations. Add in some really clunky shoes instead of those black loafers and you have what I call the "naughty schoolgirl" look. Here's a better example of the type of garbage I'm talking about that I see all the time that makes my blood boil, and not in a fun way. That look is an affront to everything that's hot.

Listen up, people: real schoolgirls in uniform don't wear their shirts like that. Real schoolgirls don't wear stockings like that. Real schoolgirls don't wear shoes like that. Okay sure some will but go to any fucking Catholic school and I promise you that you won't see any of that nonsense unless if the Church has gotten even more fucked up than I'd realized. What is the point of lusting after something so inauthentic, Mr. In-Denial Pedophile?

Here's the deal: if you're going to do anything "schoolgirl" related you either consult with me or Japan first. We know what we're talking about. Despite the above linked mess (you can find more of that set here if you're an idiot with no sense of taste for the finer things in life) I'm still giving Japan the benefit of the doubt since I'm considering their entire body of work which has been magnificent up to this point. But they should know that they're on notice and if I see any more of that crap I'm coming over there and kicking some ass just to make sure.
So it's really a shame that PenIsland doesn't actually make any pens or have any samples to give out (which from what I saw somewhere else actually existed at one point). Stemming from that I found out about some other interesting URLs: -- a therapist's network -- Cumming First United Church in Cumming, GA

And maybe the best URL ever: -- an Italian power generator company
So in the event that things don't work out between me and Sasha Cohen or me and Gorby's granddaughter (Danica Patrick being out of the running since she's married, and I just found out that she converted to Catholicism after seeing The Passion of the Jesus, which is lame) I have a new love interest: actress Ellen Page. She is just outstandingly cute. Yes I know this post is worthless without pics so here you go since you're too fucking lazy to find links on your own. Just remember I called her first and we're cool. Some facts from her bio:

Day of birth: 21st February 1987

I first heard about her starring as a 16-year-old girl who gets pregnant in the recent film Juno, so I was pretty stoked to find out that she's actually not only legal but even near drinking age. That's pretty huge when it comes to me.

Height: 1,55 m (5'1)

No real explanation needed that that's fucking awesome.

Favorite food: Sushi

I love this girl.

While I'm passing along recent discoveries I'll let you know about Gina Carano, one of the stars of the new American Gladiators series (cause yeah, there's a good idea... a new American Gladiators). I won't declare her an imaginary girlfriend/wife since she's 5'8" and this guy has already taken her (since this part of the post is worthless without pics, scroll down on that guy's page for some more pics).

She's no Sasha or Ellen or whatever the fuck Gorbachev's granddaughter's name is but she's still not unpleasant to look at either. To me she kinda looks like Sandra Bullock but with better teeth. Plus, she can easily knock all of Bullock's teeth out since she's a bad-ass female MMA star. I'm don't really care for the whole MMA thing, but women's MMA... That might be pretty fucking awesome. Human cockfighting, meh, human chickfighting, nice. And no, it's not just that whole two women fighting thing that us guys are hot on, although that's part of it. But just like girls with guns, girls who can easily beat the shit out of most people they come across are pretty hot too.
Alright, so I've found what might be the coolest blog name ever: Tiger Woods Fist Pump. The guy describes himself as "some guy in Minneapolis pretending to be a sportswriter." He doesn't have a whole lot of stuff and I've read even less of it so far except for him lamenting about baseball cards and other sports cards. His haiku in the latter link just about killed me and deserves some kind of literary award.