Saturday, December 03, 2011

American Exceptionalism is something I think about from time to time. Belief in this principle, right or wrong, has gotten us into a bit of trouble.

Conservatives believe the United States is exceptional because its people are inherently good. And we are.

See, that's where it's dangerous. "We will be greeted as liberators." Thinking we are inherently good leads to arrogance like that which causes some major headaches.

I find it hard to say that we are inherently exceptional. Our ideals, though? Yeah I think those are pretty fucking exceptional. Equality. Justice. Freedom. Yes, we do fuck those up a lot, and I mean a lot, but the principles are good. This country was founded upon very exceptional ideas.

And granted, these ideals were laid forth by the Founding Fathers, a group of white, male, landholding slave owners who said "all men are created equal." The fact that they used the word "men" is of course a huge starting point for problems. Other hypocrisies such as having slaves (as many but not all did) really don't help. And of course I have issues with the word "created" just because that has dei-rific connotations. But just because the source is kind of full of shit doesn't mean the message is bad.

All people are equal. It's hard for a lot of people to swallow that one, because it means blacks are equal, homosexuals, you name it -- everyone is equal. Not because it's god given or any bullshit like that, it's just a good idea. And no, this is not to say we are socialist or communist, so quit fucking complicating things, will 'ya?

Equality, justice, freedom. These are inherently good principles. Period.

It is striking that the most avid proponents of an assertive unilateralism in which other countries are expected to trust us -- and our government -- simply because we are good are the same conservatives who so distrust government at home.

That is an extremely interesting point and I'll just let that one marinate.

Liberals see the United States as exceptional because of our principles of limited government, embedded in the Constitution.

Hmmmm, wait, what? Liberals and Democrats are all about big government, right? Lots of bureaucracy to help the people, right? Hell, that's what that whole last post was about.

The left believes in big government. Well maybe. It's kinda hard to really say what's "big" government and what's "limited goverment." Alright well maybe not totally difficult -- totalitarian societies, for example, that's some pretty fuckin' big government. But still, lefties are not for limited government, conservatives are, right?

Well, conservatives are always for less government. There's a definite semantic difference. It just sounds good, right? We need less government, yeah, awesome.

Sometimes less is more, though! Like if you're thinking about making a decision involving your uterus or marrying the person you love. Then we definitely do not need less government, we need to get the government all up in your shit. I guess because we and our government are inherently good? Man, this is all starting to sound like a load of horseshit, isn't it?

I guess I've gotten off track though from the thesis of the article, which is also interesting -- namely, that both sides of the aisle believe in American exceptionalism even if conservatives claim a monopoly on the idea. As I stated above, I believe in the idea too, to a degree. I don't think it makes us better than everyone else or gives us the right to do whatever the fuck we want, although it does make us better than a lot of others in some ways.

No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time. -- Churchill

We didn't invent democracy and I'm not trying to pretend that we did. But we've given it a pretty good shot and, despite what some may say, despite our missteps, continue to do so. Oh and while I'm at it don't listen to anyone who starts talking of us becoming a police state. Some actions in the past and even present day (I'm referring of course to some of the reactions and overreactions to the Occupy movement) have not been pretty but anyone who says that makes us a police state has no idea what the fuck a real police state is like. Even if we fuck up, our darkest hours are better than some on their brightest days.

That being said, just because we've got awesome principles that we kinda practice, that doesn't mean we need to be total dicks about it, ya know?
This shit fucking pisses me off. Is childhood obesity a problem? Yes. Is it the fault of McDonald's? No. It's the fault of shitty parents and a lazy fucking society. Ronald has never shown up at anyone's house with a sack of greasy burgers and a gun and a mission to make you or your kids fat.

We need to start sterilizing more people (and if that means everyone so be it) because there are way too many people having kids who just don't want to do their fucking job as a parent. Enough is enough. And yeah I know parents can get a toy for a measly ten cents extra but it's the principle goddammit.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Tim Tebow is my quarterback; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures,
He leadeth me beside the still sidelines,
He restoreth my injuries,
He leadeth me in the paths of victory for Tim's name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of defeat,
I will fear no D-line, for thou art with me;
Thy legs and thy legs, they comfort me.
Thou preparest soft coverage before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with helmet; my contract runneth over.

Surely low-scoring games and fourth quarter comebacks shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of Tebow forever.
-- Tsalm 15+8

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Wow, so many things to say about this fucked up Penn State thing, but as always, The Onion says all that needs to be said.

OK, well I can probably find a couple more things to say. I feel like I should say something upfront here, as I know it's awkward at best for me of all people to be commenting considering my typical laissez faire attitude towards jokes about this kind of thing. The difference there is that even if you find such posts tasteless or offensive in the end they are all just bullshit -- but multiply that stuff by the complex conjugate and shit just got real.

Anyway, yeah, the whole focus on football and how every single article about the scandal comes back to that really is pretty fucked up. I know that realistically you can't expect different from the media but still.

I find myself doing it too. Like I start to think, well, part of you wants to give someone like Paterno the benefit of the doubt even though this looks horrible, and wait, what? Man, fuck Joe Paterno. Dude lost his job and his reputation is forever tarnished. Big fucking deal. Doubtful he's gonna have any real legal woes and the worst he will have to deal with is some inconvenience. And he's gonna be dead after not too long anyway. All of which is preferable to some of the alternatives in this case.

Oh, and for all you Penn Staters who are all worried about your school's reputation and whatnot, or are for some reason overly concerned about who coaches your team of future burger flippers: fuck you. Fuck you kids who are simply mad that Paterno got canned while not knowing shit about shit. At most some of you are paying token lip service to how we should be focusing on the victims and their messed up lives but really all you give a shit about is yourselves. The worst you'll have to deal with is maybe the football team won't be quite as good anymore (trust me you can learn to live with that) and in the future when you tell people you went to Penn they'll be like, "Oh yeah? Huh." That's all. Did I mention, fuck you.

Monday, November 07, 2011

So the SpHerminator's sexual harassment issues just won't go down quietly.

"I want you, Mr. Cain, to come clean."

Yeah that's really the only reason I posted this. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves. Reading the article though I couldn't help but wonder if those who put it together were having some fun or if it's just my fucked up mind:

"... get it out in total"

"Until something comes out that's concrete..."

", is really hard"

"I think what you're seeing is a huge assault..."
Never a good sign when something potentially important is riding on a state like Mississippi.

Along with the issue of the religious right trying to codify their beliefs, there's people saying scary shit like this:

"This is a principle. ... All of those other details can be worked out," she said.

"Clearly we would anticipate there would be a litigation challenge on this issue and the legislature would have to fill in all of the blanks for this as we go forward," said Mississippi's secretary of state, Delbert Hosemann.

When you're talking about amending a state's constitution (in this case one probably written in crayon), in a manner with potentially far-reaching consequences, maybe you oughta have some details worked out and blanks filled in beforehand. Of course, keeping things vague and simple is what they are looking for so they can potentially take it to those far-reaching lengths.

Extra nice is that second quote from the freaking Secretary of State for Mississippi. This is an official elected to a fairly high office. Awesome.

Also love the family mentioned in the article, who are against the measure not because the proposed amendment is just plain wrong, but because it impacts them and what they want personally. Assholes.

I really hope they don't fuck this up tomorrow but I'm not holding out too much hope for a state that consistently ranks poorly in education.

Saturday, November 05, 2011

Big ups to Andy Rooney, who -- while he had his flaws -- managed to make not just a career, but a life out of being cranky. Out of these segments I particularly enjoyed the Bill Gates and art segments.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

So you may or may not have seen this video:

After which you need to see this, if you also have not, to know that Jon Huntsman's daughters are awesome:

And of course I would be remiss if I didn't go find a pic of them sans mustaches:

It's nice to see that the Republicans have their limits. After years of calling Obama a nazi, a socialist, questioning his religion and where he was born, saying he's destroying America... And of course those are just the things they will say in public. But a depiction of Obama as a zombie with a bullet hole in his head, that's too far. Good to know.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Beavis and Butt-Head are back. Full episodes online. They have pretty much picked up where they left off and that is A) not a complicated thing to do and B) a very good thing.
So I have not had cable TV for nearly seven years (or satellite or whatever). Some people ask me, "How do you survive?" And then I reply, have you actually watched TV? Sure there are a coupla shows that can float but for the most part the genre sucks.

Well OK, I have not been 100% cable-free as I do have the most bare-bones cable package possible which costs like ten bucks a month. I get the over-the air channels, a home shopping channel or two, three Spanish channels (love those Spanish soap operas that have literally some of the hottest women you will ever see), at least one Jesus channel, WGN-Chicago (of course), and MTV2. Why MTV2? Because it sucks so bad they can only give it away.

Last night I was flipping through my handful of channels and came across the artist formerly known as M2 which was broadcasting a game of the Lingerie Football League. At first I was like, really? Why are people -- the announcers, the coaches, etc. -- taking this seriously? As I watched a bit more though I realized I was hasty in my dickishness. The girls playing were laying down some real hits. Yeah not bringing the wood like NFLers but these girls don't weigh 300lbs.

So as I watched I was getting into it -- and not for the reasons you would think for a single guy alone late at night. The players aren't exactly getting paid a ton of money to play and for most/many this is not their full-time job; they are clearly playing because they love playing football. Eventually I actually started to get irritated that they had to wear those silly get-ups. Partly because, well, the whole shoulder pads thing just doesn't do it for me, even with some cleavage showing and ridiculously toned abs and tight asses and well you get the drift. Forget the outfits and just let the girls play and it can still be cool to watch.

For a rare occasion I'm not trying to be sarcastic here. I have made serious calls before for more female participation in mainstream sports (just try to ignore the first part of that article; I'm serious after the first couple paragraphs, and OK, serious the first two but that shouldn't detract from my what I'm saying). Watching the LFL I was pretty impressed that despite the gimmick that the league is based on the play was legit. Sorry WNBA and soccer, but this is the first women's sport that seems to actually be worth watching (mostly because I don't care much for basketball anyway and fuck European kickball).

Granted, it's not the pace and intensity of NFL or even college ball. But it doesn't have to be. And you know what? We're never going to see a bullshit lockout or strike in the LFL. It's inevitable for anything that becomes sufficiently popular to get pulled down by greed, and the lack of that was another refreshing thing about watching some LFL action. Real play, and hey, it didn't hurt that oftentimes after plays some of the girls would get into a fight. I'm undercutting my argument somewhat here, but I am still a guy goddammit.

I had to text ETP about this discovery and he went and watched some clips and had two comments:
  1. The players really do seem to be into it for the love of the game
  2. The gameplay is good but it does look kinda weird when the QBs are throwing
To that last comment I said well yeah, they throw like girls... Which is still better than Pro Football's Tim Tebow.
Yeah, so at this juncture it looks like I was wrong about Perry being a force in the Republican presidential field. That man is an idiot. Out of the past two governors of Texas he appears to be the dumbest.

Yeah, I was off the mark about Perry. Just like I was wrong about Newt being a potential cure for what ails the Republican party. In case it wasn't obvious I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about when it comes to politics. Well, politics and pretty much anything else come to think of it. That's one of the great things about being a blogger with a blog that no one reads, though: you don't have to know shit about shit and you can just run your mouth and never back anything up. Which, actually still sounds like a recipe to be a political pundit on TV. Where the fuck's my money and airtime?

Anyway, I think basically if we want a candidate to go in the shitter, all we need is for me to say that they are a solid candidate. So Herman Cain? Well I'm still convinced that there's no way he will keep any real momentum going. As I've mentioned before Republicans of all people are not going to vote in the second black president in history (this one being fully black AFAIK). Does that make me racist? Don't care. No way I'm not right on this one.

So as we await Herman Cain's inevitable nomination, and also speaking of punditry, some that is at least funny, Carville.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Carville cracks me up. Yeah, this is a totally pointless excuse for taking cheap shots at the Republican candidates, and, well, I guess you don't really need an excuse to do that. Well done, Jimbo.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

You know I can empathize and get on board with some of the things that the Occupy movement is all hot and bothered about. Rampant corporate greed and corruption, the widening gap between the haves and have-nots... Yeah those are things we shouldn't just be bending over for. On the other hand, I do find myself muttering a lot, do you people understand how the world actually works?

Much like the tea partiers are to a good degree tools of corporations and the religious right, am I the only one more than a little unnerved with the feeling that these protesters are just tools of labor unions? Mention of union involvement in these protests seems to get little mentions here and there and it has this insidious feel to me. Not that I'm necessarily anti-union (or that I'm necessarily pro-union either), but I'm just anti-bullshit.

And a YouTube video, posted on, showed Simmons at the park flanked by Grammy Award-winning artist Kanye West.

Kanye, really? And Russell Simmons? I'm sorry but when you're pissed at the rich having two rich dudes show up to lend support does not exactly make anyone look legit. Or did Kanye just show up to say I'MMA LET YOU FINISH BUT I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT IN GERMANY POST WORLD WAR II AMERICA HAD THE GREATEST OCCUPATION OF ALL TIME!!!

And then there's good ol' Al Sharpton, who means well but in the end is the king of manufactured indignation:

"These (demonstrators) are regular people trying to feed their families, trying to pay their rent and mortgages, trying to survive."

How exactly is protesting for over three weeks straight paying your fuckin' rent, again? I realize when it comes to protest and speaking out for a cause someone's gotta be out there doing it at the expense of other things, but the inconsistency of this kind of statement annoys me.

"Even as banks got bailed out, American children have witnessed their parents get tossed out of their homes and lose their jobs. Public school kids have lost arts, music and physical education"

I think we can all agree that the loss of phys ed is not exactly a huge one. Yes, I know, there are a lot of fat fuckin' kids out there. That's the product of an empty consumerist society that thrives on excess (see, I told you I'm not exactly against what these protesters are on about). Oh and of course, the product of fat fucking parents. They went through phys ed and we see where that got them.

"We can't just sit idly by while the politicians in Washington play political games with our jobs and our livelihoods"

Fully agreed there.

"It's time to take the fight to the streets."

Take it to the polls, geniuses, and stop electing fucking morons. And yes, I am on the record as being a non-voter.

"... several Republicans, among them 2012 presidential candidates Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich, have described the demonstrations as "class warfare."

Yeah fuck you assholes for crying "class warfare" whenever something comes along to threaten your white rich-ass lifestyle.

"The bottom line is, people want to express themselves, as long as they obey the laws, we'll allow them to," [Bloomberg] said.

Hey thanks Mike for letting us know you understand the First Amendment.

"No longer will banks take our homes. No longer will banks rob students of our future. No longer will banks destroy the environment. No longer will banks fund the misery of war. No longer will banks cause massive unemployment. And no longer will banks create and profit from economic crisis without a struggle"

Man, forget all that sounds-good liberal bullshit and just tell banks to start fucking LENDING again. Those cockholes were given tons of money at least ostensibly in part to start lending again but instead the shitheads have pretty much just been hoarding cash for three years.

As always I could have saved us all a lot of time as what I'm really trying to say is, the Occupy movement has once again cemented my stance that I hate everyone.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

So here's this pic of Romney attached to an article on his jobs creation plan:

Two things:
  1. That face he's making makes it look like he's auditioning to be the guy who plays him on SNL.
  2. The slogan "Believe in America" makes me think he is trying to convince us to believe in something imaginary, like elves or god.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

You know what really pisses me off about things like this? Not the fact that it can be perceived as mildly offensive. No, it's the fact that a company and its ad company can be stupid enough to actually put out an ad like this. How does no one in a meeting raise their hand and say, "Ummm, yeah, let's not do this one, because deserved or not, we're going to catch hell for it."

"Adding Nivea to the list of companies that will not be getting my money," tweeted blogger Septembre Anderson...

Get off your high horse. You're a fucking blogger and your name is September and you spell it wrong.

Imagine if it was a white dude with scraggly ass hair and a playoff beard. Crickets.

Look, I know that's somewhat different and it's not as if I don't see why people would be bothered by this. But to me people these days are just always way too anxious to puke out their forced indignation. This irritates me because they're not doing anything to advance the dialog, they're just making noise and trying to feel good about how righteous they are. Oh, and another thing: afros and beards aren't civilized... That's why they're cool.

Even more sickening is the typical, unimaginative response from the offending company:

"Diversity and equal opportunity are crucial values of NIVEA: The brand represents diversity, tolerance, and equal opportunity."

Your brand represents helping people relieve dry skin and masturbation. That's it.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

So Michele Bachmann won the Iowa corn hole, ERRRR, the Iowa straw poll. Irrelevant political theater won by irritating political actor. Even more irrelevant as all the Republican candidates are in trouble now with Rick Perry in the race. There's a "real" Christian running (sorry Mitt) who so far doesn't have that crazy vibe (sorry Michele) who is governor of a state people have heard of (sorry Minnesota).

I think Perry is a very interesting candidate in the sense that he is quite possibly exactly what the Republicans have been in need of. I used to think that Newt was what the Republicans needed but that dude's campaign is in such disarray and thinking back he is probably too cerebral for the Republican electorate. OK, that's partly unfair; he's probably too much of a thinker for the voting population at large. Keep in mind this is a country that wants a president that they could theoretically sit down and have a beer with. Fuck that; I want a president who is too busy studying to be doing fucking keg stands and shit.

Again Perry is like Newt -- not someone I would back in reality but if I put myself in Republican shoes I think I would. Along those lines I can't say Perry won brownie points with me after the recent prayer rally controversy; as I said in my long religion rant it's not that I automatically discount someone because they like Jesus, but when you're a sitting governor and you're a really really big fan of Jesus and you're blurring the line of separation between church and state, well, that's not helping.

Here are some interesting perspectives on the debate over that event. Some of this I can get on board with, such as the fact that we can't just bar politicians from exercising their faith or expect it to become totally private for them. But I don't see how "use of official resources, including a gubernatorial proclamation, to promote the prayer service" is not a violation of the establishment clause of the first amendment.

It's a pipe dream, but I really just wish people didn't need for the president -- you know, the most powerful person in the world -- to believe in not just an invisible man in the sky, but a very particular invisible man in the sky. It's required for a person to believe in ghosts and fairy tales to hold the highest office in the land. That just bothers me, but I'm getting off on a tangent.

This does allow me to come back to what I was originally talking about, and that's Rick Perry. I think religious conservatives really will breathe a sigh of relief with Perry in the race. They don't have to bullshit themselves anymore that they can accept Romney's Mormonism, which, let's face it, is weird to "mainstream" Christians even though they all believe in god and Jesus. OK sure, there's Bachmann, who has staunch religious street cred. But let's face it, conservatives will be way happier with a male Christian candidate than a female one.

So, he's got the religious and social conservative check boxes checked. As mentioned before he's not a nutcase like Bachmann, although of course that craziness she exudes really does resonate with a lot of stupid people who are yearning for a true moron to get behind.

Okay sorry but that brings me to a quick aside on Bachmann:

There was much ado about nothing with regards to this Newsweek cover this past week. It was slammed as sexist, liberal media bias, blah blah false indignation blah blah blah. I agree that the pic chosen was not exactly the most flattering. But people don't want to admit one thing: that's pretty much what she looks like. Michele Bachmann is a weird looking woman and I wish people would quit fucking pandering to the notion that she's some kinda MILF.

What the fuck was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Perry. Republicans have fucked themselves in the ass by focusing so much on national debt, in particular with the recent debt ceiling crisis. On the surface, tackling the debt/deficit looks like a win-win for republicans: it allows them to look like serious fiscal conservatives while at the same time cutting funding for stuff they don't like. Like programs that help the poor and the middle class.

Meanwhile, the biggest problem in this country isn't the deficit, it's jobs. Particularly for the poor and middle class. Yes, government spending is absolutely something that needs to be addressed. This includes things that are near and dear to the left, such as Social Security and Medicare. But right now, jobs and the economy are the most important things that need to be taken care of. Deficit reduction is not going to create jobs, and cutting government spending during a time of recovery is a dubious measure at best if you want to keep the recovery going.

Rick Perry can claim that he is a fiscal hawk as he has done things in office such as balance the state budget (as always, there is more context). Even more one thing he can and will push hard is how he's a job creator (I don't just mean in the sense that he's rich, as all rich people are job creators now). Again, there is some context here too. High numbers of low-paying jobs, a good deal of the jobs not necessarily due to his actions, etc.

Still, Rick Perry appears to be a formidable candidate although not an unbeatable one. I know Republicans would be more than willing to fight dirty and go after him, but in the end I don't know if any of them have anything substantive to counter with. And should he get the nomination, I don't know that the Democrats have the balls to really go after him in ways that are completely legit.

In other words, will anyone really add the necessary context to Perry's rhetoric? They need to do Perry up Karl Rove style and tear him down on his strengths. In fact, if Perry becomes the Republican candidate for the general election, the Democrats need to just go balls out and just hire Karl Rove. Seriously. He'd do it, too; give the man enough money and he would suck off James Carville.

I have no ending for this other than leaving you with that image. You're welcome.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Hey asshole: your article starts out great by pointing out the power of perception but you clearly don't grasp how your plan will actually be perceived. To non-believers in Jesus encouraging them to learn about him and follow his teachings is going to come across as the exact same thing as trying to evangelize and convert. Especially because, in the end, that is exactly what you are trying to do. You don't understand that people don't want to listen to your stupid crap, because, hey, they already have a bunch of stupid crap that they already believe in.

Funny thing is, Jesus never said, “Go into the world and convert people to Christianity.”

Funny thing is, that's because Jesus wasn't a Christian, idiot. A simple fact lost on a lot of people is that Christianity is the religion about Jesus, not the religion of Jesus.

Dude, you really are everything that is wrong with the world. Well, you and everyone else.

"If Jesus were alive today, the last thing he'd be is a Christian."
- Twain
When I saw a headline for this "news" article which said "Kardashian's disease: What is it?" my initial response was, ummmm, it's the condition where a woman is not very attractive but has big tits and based solely on that she gets a ton of attention. Turns out she has psoriasis, but from now on I will refer to women like her as having Kardashian's disease. Which, let's face it, plenty of women would love to have.

Almost always I fully read any article that I post here but in this case I'm making an exception because I get extremely irritated if I have to read more than a sentence or two about Hollywood cunts and furthermore there are more important matters to get to. I've probably blogged about this before but I've never understood the fascination with big boobs. Well, OK, I understand the fascination; people (particularly men) are simple and stupid. Regardless, they simply have never impressed me. Sure, I really do have a predilection towards small and medium sized-ones. I even say "Yay for double-A!" Initially one would say all of this is because I'm a little person and biased towards smaller sized things in general. Maybe that's part of it, but that certainly isn't all of it.

One of the biggest issues I have? Gravity. Say you see a naked woman with big jugs and they're down to like her waist. And she's 20. C'mon, what's hot about this? Of course they won't sag if they're fake and reasonably new, but fake breasts are another conversation for another time.

I will give big boobs an edge in clothing; they will fill out a sweater or tight top or whatever in a very pleasing fashion like smaller boobs can't. However, smaller breasts look way better naked and the whole point is to get the girl naked so small breasts win.

Also, I think my favorite thing about boobs, no, I don't think it, I know it, is cleavage. You don't need big breasts to have awesome cleavage, and you don't have any of those gravity issues either.

OK it's another time now so we can have the convo about fake tits. Under almost any circumstances I deplore breast implants. If you've had a mastectomy and you're just looking to get things back to where they were, that's understandable. I suppose I can also understand if a woman is fully flat. Or has concave cans. But otherwise, I just can't allow them. Lucky for women out there that I'm not in charge of anything and so they're allowed to perpetrate a boob holocaust whenever they want.

I despise phoniness in whatever form it comes and that is a huge part of the prejudice against fake ones. Probably the biggest part. I also don't like the notion of messing up something that is perfectly nice to begin with for no truly good reason. Oh and then there's the fact that fake boobs just don't look right. Not only do they look bad but they apparently can feel bad too; I have never felt fake breasts myself but once heard them described them as feeling "crunchy." Gross.

I have heard plenty of explanations from women as to why breasts implants are OK. It's not just for attention from guys or to one-up other women or blah blah blah. Bullshit.

What's the point of doing it just for the attention, anyway? Do you really want the attention of people who wouldn't pay attention to you otherwise? And fuck other bitches, if all you've got to win on is boob size then you have nothing at all.

I know what every woman wants to bring up now: dick size. I think the phallic comparison is totally fallacious. Even if any of those pills actually worked or there was effective cock enhancement surgery none of it would translate to automatic increased attention and attractiveness because you can't just let it hang out like a woman can with her breasts without getting arrested. And you know, the interest in bigger dongs actually makes some sense for simple physiological reasons. Would I do it if I could? I dunno, maybe, maybe not. I'm not sure it's worth the risk of messing up what little I have, and since I can't just put it on display it would do precisely nothing to overcome my crippling insecurity or social issues.

I know the notion of "be happy with what you have" is easier said than done. I really do; I clearly have a metric fuckload of inadequacies -- real or imagined -- that I'm carrying around. But in the end, just deal with it, and please don't be an asshole and ruin a perfectly nice pair of hooters, alright?

Monday, June 20, 2011

Who wants to pool their money with me so we can amass $185K and register www.clownpenis.fart?

(Of course this was discussed in an article I linked three years ago and was supposed to start in '09 but a man can dream... And yeah, that's the best I got after disappearing for several weeks again.)

Monday, May 02, 2011

So Osama is dead. You may have heard about this. It's good that we finally got him after all these years -- until about 9PM last night I was pretty convinced dude was gonna die of old age or at least failed kidneys. But no, his time on the lam is over, after potentially living for years... In the 'burbs.

I would have to say I think it's a good thing when bad people die. If for no other reason just for the sake of them being gone. Is this really going to change anything or make things better? At bare minimum I certainly don't think it hurts matters. Well, OK, maybe I can't even say that just yet, because there is always the potential for retaliation. But long term?

With al Qaeda being so de-centralized and built on many loose affiliations maybe it won't change a lot of things from their standpoint. As far as what bin Laden has built goes, what happens there will come down to some of the most important driving forces behind terrorism -- marketing and money. If Steve Jobs died, would Apple go into the toilet? They could take a hit, maybe decline some, but probably won't completely die off. Bin Laden's death could be more about symbolism and retribution and catharsis than anything. None of which are necessarily bad. Al Qaeda is taking a hit, we just don't know how big of one yet (duh... Which could be added after nearly every statement I'm making).

Just as a quick aside, I'm pretty fucking proud of myself for bringing Steve Jobs and Apple into this. No, they are not as bad as bin Laden and al Qaeda, of course, but man, fuck Jobs and Apple. Actually, fuck their customer base more than anything. I do respect Jobs and Apple from a business and intellectual level though for what they have accomplished. Kinda like Dick Cheney.

Oh fuck I am on a roll here with the asides! Anyway, whether or not it is a major milestone from a practical standpoint of view remains to be seen. "Terrorism" isn't a fascist country, it's not a coherent group of miscreants, it's a tactic, a state of mind. Until we're living in a utopia there's work to be done and plenty of people out there still doing said work.

Although while I am not sad to see Bin Laden gone (as many of my more conservative buddies might think), I do have to admit that I'm at least mildly creeped out by much of the reaction. Late last night this country began celebrating as if we had all just won the World Series. Because somebody died. I understand the exuberance, from many angles, but it's just kinda weird when you think about it. Even to someone as fucked up as me.

You also certainly won't see me joining in any chants of "U-S-A! U-S-A!" Not because I hate America, but because I've never been particularly interested in feeling the way I'm told I should feel by the media or politicians (particularly right-wingers but not exclusively) or just sheep. I can make up my own mind on things, thanks, and I don't need to hide behind a weak banner of "patriotism" because I have no need to prove myself to the mindless masses.

In summary: I'm not getting all hot and bothered by this, but at the same time, I quote Jack Nick as the Joker: "I'm glad yer dead."

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Thanks, Google, for reminding me that it's time to go grab another beer and masturbate for several hours.

This has nothing to do with enticing kids to drink -- they're kids; they already want to drink and need no such encouragement. This beverage line is intended as a new means for guys to try and get chicks drunk easier and faster.

Also, Blogger's Andriod app is a piece of shit. I had this posted earlier, after giving up on the app and just going through the normal web login, and the app still managed to fuck me even after that.

Sunday, April 03, 2011


Detroit: where the weak are killed and eaten. I think I might go to this out of morbid curiosity if I could get tickets for, like, ten bucks. Right now tickets are ranging from $50 to $575 (the latter for meet-and-greet with a raging cokehead) on TicketShitter so that's no good. But maybe closer to gametime we can find a deal.

I don't really see what the point of this is. Well, besides for Charlie to make some new coke money. That's what they should call the show -- Charlie's Coke Money. Shit, he should be going on tour with Scott Weiland. Or is that dude in jail?

"I want to be a part of history," Sheen fan Jeff Rezek told CNN as he stood in front of the theater trying to hock the second ticket neither his wife nor his son would take. "I missed Woodstock and I wanted to be here."

Jesus dude, what the fuck are you on? Charlie will probably want a hit of that shit.

Anyway, this whole Sheen thing was funny for about ten minutes. Whoah, is this dude really fucked up? Or just a genius? Is it real or an act? Tiger blood, holy shit! I really don't care anymore. Actually, I didn't really care to begin with, even if some of it was kinda funny for, well, again about ten minutes. So at this juncture the experiment in performance art/wallet rape is just forced and sad. I know, I know, my real problem is...

"Trolls need not apply," Sheen said. "You all suffer from 'Sheen-is' envy."

OK, I gotta admit, that is really fucking funny.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Dammit, I just had to go edit two back-to-back posts because I started them both out with the word "So." That's just poor fucking form right there. Maybe random shit like this I should be tweeting but I'm sober right now, and you know the rules.
Recently I was looking through my traffic log and saw an entry from I'm always interested in when the government shows up here; it's just one step away from Chris Hansen showing up and telling me to take an e-seat right over there.

Anyway, upon probing I saw a couple of things. The visitor was from Ft. Meade, which among other things, is home to NSA HQ. Furthermore, the last thing they clicked on was the 'dreamgirl' tag. I don't know if NSA would show up as But I like to think so, because it is hilarious to me that some G-man came here and ended up reading a handful of vague posts on my non-adventures with some dumbass girl. Maybe the NSA can help me crack the code there, if you know what I mean.
As you can see from the Twitter feed on the sidebar here I don't really take Twitter seriously. Who does? Assholes, that's who. I actually decided that my loose policy here will be that Twitter is for when I'm drunk and the regular blog will be for when I'm sober. Not that you'd really notice much difference.

Twitter finally has real purpose in my life. This makes me simultaneously joyous and depressed. Why? The latter because Twitter sucks. The former because I have found the Twitter feed of one of my favorite netizens (yes I'm embarrassed I just used that word), the crapmaster himself. Behold: @galvinchow.

Based on my cyberstalking that is for sure him, unless if they not only all look alike but also all live in Brooklyn and worked for JET.

(Yes, Brooklyn... Trying to ascertain why the fuck NOT Delaware).

Monday, March 28, 2011

She turned me into a newt

So Republicans hate Obama so much and are so scared of how he's ruining America that precisely no one will man up and say "Yeah, I'm gonna take down that commie-Nazi-Muslim-not-born-in-America-motherfucker." Yeah, OK, Palin is pretty much a lock, but she hasn't said anything other than her usual gibberish yet. And there's D-Trump who is so full of his own bullshit that he thinks we're laughing with him and he will probably give it a go since he can't see past his own terrible combover. But again, he hasn't said anything definitive either (unless I missed it because I wanted to).

And then there's Newt, who's said he's kinda-sorta thinking about maybe running. For awhile there, I was really on board with the idea of Newt running for a handful of completely pragmatic reasons. One reason was me thinking, god, just not Palin, alright? Yes, it would be a major embarrassment to the Republicans, and funny in that right, but I think right, left, or center, Palin shames us all by her very celebrity, to say nothing of a legit presidential run.

Newt, on the other hand, is someone I thought I could respect intellectually. Look, I'm not saying I like the dude, OK? I fucking hate Dick Cheney -- I frequently refer to him as one of the biggest pieces of shit alive -- but I do have a begrudging respect for him on an intellectual level. I don't think Newt is as big of a shitclown as Cheney (although still a pretty damn big one), but it's the same kind of deal. And at least I could say, "Hey, at least dude's smart, unlike many others."

And to further clarify, should he run, no, I'm not gonna vote for him. Or anyone else for that matter. If you're not part of the problem, well, you're not part of the problem. Voters on the other hand are part of the problem. I'm not saying we abandon the illusion of representative democracy, but I am saying that the electorate is fucking retarded.

Anyway, back to Newt. I also first thought that he is what the Republican party really needs -- a smart dude with some street cred. But then there's stuff like this.

"I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they're my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists..."

What? Secular atheist radical Islamists? Is that like Jews for Jesus (which I thought were called Christians but no they're a separate group)? Newt is not going to get better. And neither are the rest of us.

I don't understand the whole notion of Islamists becoming a dominant force in this country, anyway. This is not the first time some scaremonger has ejaculated this on a group of sheep. Islamists. Really. A group with no current political power? A group of people who can't get on an airplane without making white people tremble? A group of people that many dumbfucks refer to as sand niggers? They're seriously going to be in charge in a handful of decades?

Sure, the scaremongers might not really believe that, and they're just doing what they can to rile up people who are dumb enough to believe anything. But shit, maybe they do believe their own nonsensical rhetoric. And besides, everyone knows that it's really the hispanics who are going to be in charge in the medium-term future. And, holy fuck, I just figured it out! That's what all this radical Islam shit is about -- it's just one big feint operation by all those illegals and other Mexicans to distract us from the fact that they're taking over!

Ya see how stupid shit like that sounds, Newt? Hey, not any dumber than acid wash, right? I close with this:

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I'll be more than happy to take care of your daughter, especially if she continues to wear those short shorts.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011


Looking at some stats on traffic to this 'blog revealed this hilarity:

Actually, fuck that guy still -- he's a loser.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

I only had to click the previous comic button twice at this webcomic to get to one on assfisting so it's probably a pretty solid one to be following.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Um, no dude. You forfeited because you're a fucking pussy and you were afraid you would get your ass kicked by a girl. Or maybe just afraid to touch a girl in the first place who you don't call Mom. Well I suppose you could call her "Mom" but then, man, that's just fucked up. Get some help and grow a fuckin' pair, wouldja?

"Even though there’s no specific Scripture that addresses wrestling with girls, there is the biblical Christian principle of treating women with respect and dignity...”

It never ceases to amaze me as to how many people who profess to believe in the Bible have apparently never actually read it. Actually, that's a lie -- I'm never astounded with these types. I know how they roll.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Monday, February 07, 2011


Here's my foray into advertising:


"You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants."
- Dave Attell

Bonus for using 'recalcitrant,' I guess

Blogger's comment spam detection officially sucks shit:

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Sunday, February 06, 2011


OK, you gotta follow this one through. It is entitled "9 Hottest Girls who Play Videogames." Although it's not that exciting it's nerd fare and and the host in the vid is adorable. Towards the end of that link you gotta click another link to get to the top three. Make sure you click on that link.

You can do anything (as long as you have sound turned up)

This site is 12 years old. How is it that I just found out about it?

In a row

Hey, so check out the logo for search engine DuckDuckGo:

Is it just me, or does that duck look like the victim of some surprise buttsecks?

Reich on

So I used to post all kinds of awesome links on here but now I just post them on ETP's Failbook page. Well, I need to start getting some of them out here. This is one of the best I've found in the past several months: Hipster Hitler. It is even more brilliant than it sounds.

Another seriously awesome comic that makes me laugh as much as it makes me envious of the comic's genius is Toothpaste For Dinner.


So mentioning my all-time dreamwoman list got me thinking. The top two, Sasha and Danica, are always pretty quick to come to mind. But I always have to think, who is on the list after that? And then I'm like, oh yeah, I'd have to say Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens. After that I don't really know.

You'll notice a theme there -- petite, dark haired girls. They really are the best, celebs or otherwise. Give them light-colored eyes and freckles and glasses and that may be impossible to beat.

Considering I'm 5'3" in decent shoes my predilection for short women is not really a mystery. Really though it's partly a practical matter, and partly a matter that, at least in this case, smaller is just plain better. Why can't more of them be on board with that too?

Moving on, I never really cared all that much about hair color, well at least insofar as stupid notions like "gentlemen prefer blondes." As far as I've always been concerned, if the hair color looks good, then it really does not matter to me. But still, there's something about dark hair -- particularly straight-up black -- that really is just +1.

OK, so the whole purpose of this post, well initially anyway, was something I came across while thinking about the dreamwoman list. I did not remember exactly how tall Selena is (turns out 5'4" or 5'5"). Enter, a site which once again shows that no matter how trivial of info you seek, you can find it on the internet.

This got me going along another line of thought that is of immense gravity. In my mind, what was the best thing to come out of 1984: Sasha Cohen... Or the first Ghostbusters movie?

That really is a tough call. Sasha has been my #1 celebrity crush since the Salt Lake games. For those of you keeping score at home, yes, she was only 17 at the time, and no, I don't care what you think of that. Anyone who has been here from "back in the day" (sad that there was one of those with regards to this 'blog) knows my fascination with the younger set anyway. I'm not some fucking ChiMo; I'm not gonna be doing anything but looking, OK? And any straight guy who says he doesn't like to at least check out younger girls, even (especially?) of the underage variety, is a fucking liar. Again, most will be look but don't touch, and I really don't see a problem with that as long as dudes aren't total creepers about it.

What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, 1984. Anyway, yeah, Sasha has been my fantasy for a long time, but man, Ghostbusters. That movie was a revelation for me. Easily my favorite movie of the 80s and one of the best of all time IMO. I was so enthralled by that movie that in 3rd grade I wrote a Ghostbusters story. Not some run-of-the-mill eight-year-old drivel, either. This story was a fucking magnum opus. It was thirteen pages. Handwritten. That's fucking War and Peace to a kid. In the story I was the fifth ghostbuster. I spent so much time crafting the story, honing it, that one quarter my teacher actually added comments on my report card that she was concerned that I was taking so much time on the story and not moving on to others. Well fuck her; good literature cannot be rushed.

I don't really have a resolution to this. Really I'm just glad that the world has both of them. I would almost say that the existence of things so sublime would almost make me believe that there is a benevolent god out there. But then I realize: I am not the fifth ghostbuster, and I am not having sex with Sasha Cohen. So fuck you, God who probably doesn't even exist.

Master of my domains

I used to have the domains and registered so that they would point to this 'blog. Well, when the domains were expiring back in like early May, I fucked up and failed to re-register before the deadline. I was under the impression that the domain names got scraped up by some other soulless cocksucker and that was that. Wasn't too big of a deal over the past several months due to my general apathy towards blogging.

Well, I just checked, and both were available and I was able to register them again. So from here on out in addition to the blogspot addy you can use or if you so desire (which you probably don't, so I just wasted $45, thanks dick). And yeah, some other asshole still owns so oh well to that.

Not that anyone cares (I could basically preface every post here with that, or, hell, just call the 'blog that if it wasn't even more emo than what I have), but I did the registration through GoDaddy. Really, that is the stupidest fucking name for, well, anything except maybe a site about incest, but it was the first to come to mind. Not because of the stupid name, but because of Danica Patrick, who is second on my all-time dreamwoman list just in case things don't pan out between me and Sasha Cohen. Yes, I fell prey to advertising, because I am a consumerist whore.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Why I am not a Christian, or anything else for that matter

The title of this post is with all due respect to Bertrand Russell, truly one of history's greatest badasses.

As I mentioned in a recent post I would like to try and push myself to write more often, in one way or another. I have been wanting to put the ideas spewed out below in writing somehow and I figured, hey, why not for a buncha strangers who aren't reading this anyway? I have no illusions about this being earth-shattering commentary or anything like that, but I just wanted to set it down for my own edification. I also wanted to try and interject more humour into this post before I put it out there and maybe I had some success there but either way fuck it. And yeah, I just went British on your ass.

Ever since I started this 'blog, Jesus, almost eight years ago? Anyway, yeah, ever since then (and well before for those who know me outside of this 'blog) it was pretty clear that I hate religion. But why, Bitter Little Man? What did religion ever do to you?

Sorry to report that there's nothing really juicy to report. I didn't have biblethumping parents who raised me on a strict diet of religion and bullshit (but I repeat myself). I didn't have it beaten into me, literally or figuratively, that I was a sinner and destined for Hell. I was not molested by a clergyman.

To clarify up front, I am what Richard Dawkins calls a de-facto atheist. At my core I am agnostic because I can flat out say: I don't know. But I live my life in a way that is consistent with there being no god, and I think the odds of there being a god are pretty slim. I could go into this further, but just do yourself a favor and go read The God Delusion by Dawkins because it is much more insightful than this drivel. But by all means, read the rest of this too; you've already invested too much to quit now!

Now, I didn't get my religious standing from reading Dawkins (in fact I only managed to get around to reading Delusion a few months back). I was raised mildly Christian. The most religious person in my family is my grandmother, and she was very influential to me growing up. She taught me to believe in God and Jesus (well they are the same really, but they're not... Christ what a mess) and the Bible. We didn't go to church regularly or anything, but I did have a basic belief in Christianity since that is what I was taught from a young age.

Once I got to be, oh around 15 I would suppose, I of course knew everything, as all teenagers do. In all seriousness though, I did at least know enough to know that there are a lot of religions out there. I mean a fuckload. Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Zoroastrianism... The list is as endless as it is annoying. For the most part, they are all mutually incompatible, by design. If they weren't incompatible, there would have been some mergers and acquisitions along the way and we'd have a lot fewer of them.

Even discounting religions that are totally different in their fundamentals, how about the religions that have some common core beliefs (such as Jesus Christ being the lord and saviour of mankind) and they STILL can't fucking get along? Forget about any mergers, the history of many if not all religions is the splintering off into new factions when people can't bloody agree on the stupid set of ideas they want to believe in and how they want to go about executing their belief.

With all these religions -- many of them vastly different -- I also realized the simple notion that they of course can't ALL be right. Even though every one of them has decided that they are indeed correct and everyone else has it wrong. Aside from that notion, it further occurred to me that what if maybe -- just maybe -- none of them were right?

I would say that that was the first cornerstone of my religious undoing. But as I had already learned, and would continue to learn, religion has been pretty horrific to mankind over the years. More people have been killed in the name of god than for any other reason. So much shit has been perpetrated with religion as the underpinning. To wit: the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the partition of India, the Holocaust, the Middle East situation for the past sixty years, the Middle East for a solid chunk of history prior, 9/11 (and 3/11 and 7/7 just so you don't think I'm all Ameri-centric), the oppression of women, discrimination against homosexuals... The list is long as it is depressing.

It may seem strange to some that I include things such as India and the Holocaust in there since those weren't Big Bad Religion going out there and fucking with someone, they were something terrible perpetrated on a group of people because of their religion. But that's exactly my point. What if people had no religious identities? How would the partition of India, truly one of history's greatest humanitarian disasters, have gone down if they didn't have Hindus and Muslims to separate? What group would Hitler have used as the scapegoat for Germany's problems?

Yes, I know that Hitler went after lots of other groups, but of course Jews were public enemy #1 for him. I further realize that people are persecuted for lots of other reasons besides religion, but religion is what we're discussing here so stop trying to change the subject, gorrammit. The point here is that without religion, there is one less gigantic reason for people to be killed or oppressed or just have to face unnecessary strife.

What's that you say? Not all people of faith perpetrate horrific crimes against others? Yeah I know. Much like specifically most Muslims are not terrorists, generally speaking most religious people are not major troublemakers. Sure, they may be annoying, hell VERY annoying lots of times, but hey, they aren't really bothering anyone and certainly not bringing questions of mortality into play (morality being another story). Still though, based on history, mankind clearly cannot keep its shit together when it comes to religion. A handful of miscreants have simply made the whole endeavour not worth it.

So the crimes of religion form the second cornerstone. Even if the myriad religions all thinking they have the answer (or final solution, you might say) to certain quandaries wasn't totally retarded, even if religion hadn't led to countless problems throughout history as well as the everyday lives of people, there still remains one reason why I despise religion: it discourages critical thought. You could easily argue that it requires you to suspend critical thought. And what takes the place of thinking about stuff? Blind faith.

Please note the critical modifier: blind. I don't do well with blind faith. Oh, I can have faith -- in myself, friends, family, co-workers, science. That faith isn't blind though; it is based on facts, experiences, experiments, etc. Maybe I can't guarantee some things or say that I know them with absolute 100% totally indestructible certainty, but I can say that for all practical purposes I know some things. I can have faith in another person, for instance, based on the experiences I have had with them, getting to know them as a person, etc. I can have faith in scientific knowledge because it is based on study and experimentation, peer review, etc. Sure, someone I thought I knew could turn out different from what I was expecting. Sure, science can be manipulated for politics or personal gain, and scientific knowledge evolves over time. That evolution is a huge part of my point, though -- by simply thinking about stuff, ideas we have, either individually or collectively, can change as new data becomes available.

Religion, by and large, does not really change much. Oh sure, every now and then the Pope decides to quit being an asshole over something, or in the face of disgustingly overwhelming evidence the Church has to change their stance on something, but that's not exactly the same as the progression of science. In the end, religion says, hey, don't think about this -- listen to what this old dude standing up in front of the congregation while wearing Liberace's Snuggie tells you and just believe because it is the word of God. Why is it the word of God? Because it just is! Jesus, were you not listening?

I'm not saying that everyone who is religious never thinks about their religion. There are plenty of people out there who question their faith, many who question it a lot. But if that questioning doesn't lead to the abandoning of religious belief, then it's all for naught.

OK His Bitterness, so you think everyone who holds religious beliefs is a ratard? This is one area that I struggle with a bit. I know, and am friends with, many very smart people who I like, respect, and admire, who are religious in one way or another. I don't automatically think that someone is stupid just for believing in god or whatever, but I do think that that one part of them is retarded. I seriously do have low regards for religious beliefs and practices. But I can still like a person who is religious just the same as I can like a person who roots for a sports team I hate. Granted, religion is a bigger deal to people than sports, but, wait, no it really isn't. That was the perfect thing to pick for comparison.

In the end, I do strongly believe in everyone's right to their own religious beliefs, and right to practice those beliefs, just so long as they aren't being a pain in the ass about it. Yeah it is hard to draw the line between "Well, OK" and "Knock it the fuck off" but I know it when I see it. And also, hey, what if I'm wrong about everything? I'm fully willing to admit that I could be. Let's just agree that I think your beliefs are dumb and you believe I'm going to Hell and we'll call it a day.

Alright, so that's it: too many religions that can't agree, too much ugly shit, and you have to stop thinking to believe in that nonsense. We don't need religion to be good and would be a lot better off without it. Maybe simply just putting out this concluding paragraph would have made for a cleaner post. Amen to that.

And there was much rejoicing

OK so someone left a pretty encouraging guestbook entry (thanks for that; and in case it wasn't obvious to everyone in addition to being just a plain lil' bitch I am also continually needing some kind of validation) I got my shit together and figured out how to get comments back. I used Haloscan comments because I just thought they were cleaner and simpler to use than Bloggers built-in commenter. I was also able to title it "Fuck everything: The Commenter."

Well, as mentioned previously, once Halsoscan went titsup I had to yank the Haloscan code out of the HTML for my 'blog page and I couldn't figure out how to get the Blogger comments in there. I've never had a real burning desire or need to learn HTML or any associated web coding but it actually turned out to be pretty simple when I just paid some fucking attention to the page where you edit the HTML which allows you to re-set the widgets without even having to do any code work. I'm glad I noticed that because I was about to start over using a totally new Blogger template and all of the ones available are shit.

Anyway, long story short, for anyone out there, comment to your heart's desire. Real posts to follow (?).

Friday, January 14, 2011

Page 38 'sup check

OK so what follows somewhere below is an incomplete post that I put together just over a year ago and never put out there. Yeah, I have a real problem putting out. Which is lame because I used to be such a blogging whore. Well, maybe it was only good for me, but fuck you, I was getting laid. Wait, what? No I wasn't, what the fuck is going on here?

Hey, sorry. I'm a bit out of tune. Anyway I was reading over this post that I had in drafts and it struck a chord in so many ways. First off, I'm still struggling with all this shit. Which is sad. I mean a year fucking later, really? And not like I haven't done this before at several points in life.

You know what that makes me? Days of Our Lives. Back in high school, I was fucking hooked on that show. My mom used to take late lunches to pick me up from school and when we got home she would watch it. At first I was like, soaps, fuck that. But then after awhile it just got in my brain and I was all like OMG Sammy is such a bitch when are John and Marlena just going to get back together Jack is hard-core and can't wait for him to take down Peter etc.

Freshman year of college we did not have cable TV in the dorms. Despite the fact that ETP and I bought an antenna that employed secret government technology the reception we got was shit. I recorded Days every day, however (on VHS; Jesus L. Christ I am fucking old now), and would watch it after classes. But the combo of truly awful reception and recording on century old technology finally got to me. Having to watch that shit through so much snow was rehab for me. I was off the drug.

Several years later, ETP and I took in an episode of Days on a whim. And you know what? Everything was exactly the fucking same. Sammy was still a scheming bitch, Bo and Hope were still having problems, so on and so forth. In the intervening several years we missed precisely nothing. Now, if you watch soaps, sorry, your stories, you know this concept to be true. You know that you can drop a show at any given point in time and find an arbitrary point in the future and start watching again and you know precisely what is going on. Seeing this in action though, knowing it from experience instead of merely just knowing it, is astounding.

So anyway, that's me. A year ago I was full of self-doubt. Afraid that what little talent I ever had, if any, was gone or at least severely diminished. But thinking maybe, just maybe, something's still there, and it can be resurrected one more time than Jesus was. A year ago I was stuck on this girl who is truly amazing on paper but maybe not so much in real life but maybe still is for real and so I'm still like come on this could work if the world would just stop being stupid but it's really me who's stupid. And a year later... Le sigh.

You can see that since I've been gone I've totally 'roided out my run-on sentence skills.

I'm a good writer. I enjoy writing. And my shit's funny. But what if it isn't? See there's that crap again. I really need to get back to just writing for the love of writing. Doing it for my own benefit. Who cares if people aren't on board? It's not for them. It's possible I could actually get my shit together.

The reason why I decided to put this post out there, including the old one, ultimately, was because I was going through all this pathetic self-doubt a year ago, saying I'm not funny anymore, blah blah. But then I read some of the stuff I wrote and I was like, dude, that was pretty funny. So if I was thinking that shit back then and was still able to mine some nuggets without realizing it, hey, why not now?

It's sad that I feel the need to clarify but I do: I am completely sober right now. Totally high on life, rah rah and shit. Well not really; I used to get high on life but I built up a tolerance (what is that from? LATER EDIT: It's from the awesome but sadly defunct webcomic Antiwang).

Maybe I'll fail to gain any traction here but I hafta start someplace. So without further ado, here is my mopey-ass shit from a year ago/right now. It's unedited from where I left it, and incomplete. But if we're gonna pick up with Sammy being a bitch, let's look back to when she was also a bitch:

Dammit. Every time I think I'm gonna get back into the swing of things here, I just don't. Laziness is the main culprit but let's do what so many of us tend to do and pretend it's more complicated than that.

Life really changed for me in 8th grade. Prior to that I was just me. I was a dork and I went about my business and that was just that. I think in 8th grade I really became self-aware and maybe that's not such a great thing. Maybe Patrick Swayze was onto something. For the uninitiated, that man simply was not self-aware. If you feel that it is pretty bush to talk this way about the dead, fuck you. I think you should speak the same of someone in death as you did in life. We are such pussies when it comes to that.

Sorry, that was a rant I didn't intend to get off on. And oh did I ever get off. Anyway...

Ever since 8th grade, I have been constantly concerned that I am not as good as I used to be. I always have this feeling that I used to be pretty smart and clever and funny and I'm just not as much so anymore. I'm also always concerned that I'm not good enough at that point in time as well. Basically, I'm just one big inferiority complex.

With regards to this 'blog though, I occasionally read back through old posts, and I find some really, really funny shit. And yeah OK, sure it's funny to me -- I fucking wrote it. But I read stuff and I'm like, yeah, I'm just not that funny anymore. And that's just with the average post; forget about the handful of posts that even I have to admit are just sheer fucking genius. I just can't be funny like that anymore because I have gotten stupider.

I used to have no real justification for my declining abilities but now I can come up with some legit ones. I am on the wrong side of 30 now. Six months sure but hey, the wrong side is the wrong side. It's just fact that we start to go downhill at some point. I am also continually terrified that years of drinking way too much have destroyed enough brain cells that, yeah, I am definitely stupider. Doesn't stop me from drinking anymore though, but well, what do you expect? I'm stupid now. Even stupider than before.

I try to remind myself of days past when I thought I was in trouble and I was just manufacturing nonsense. I also try to think about what Jim Rome used to say about John Daly -- the immensely talented golfer who basically threw all his shit away 'cause he had drinking and gambling and various other personal problems: you never lose the talent.

That of course presumes I ever had any talent. I dunno if I had any talent, but I could make some people laugh. People who I'd never even met before. That was pretty neat. But laziness and apathy and just the kind of atrophy that comes with time kinda killed all that off.

The only way to get back, or, shit, get anywhere, is to just quit whining and work at it.

OK so this is about the eight billionth post that I have made like this over the past year or so. In case if you're wondering, dude, where the fuck are those eight billion posts, well, most of them I wrote and never published. Or, I released them into the wild and then I pulled them not long thereafter. I may have already mentioned this but I am posting so infrequently these days that I can't remember what I did and didn't actually publish and leave out there.

Maybe one of these days I'll publish a compendium of all those phantom posts so that we can all see what my mental state has been like the past year. In case you are saying, um, no thanks, BLM, settle down. Just consider the following:
  1. I haven't killed anyone else.
  2. I haven't killed anyone else.
So how bad can it be?

Well pretty bad, really. Trite is the best word to describe it, 'cause most of it was about a girl. I wouldn't say it's Stabbing Westward-worthy material, but it was pretty weak. I'm mostly over it that I'm not making the efforts that I was making before, but I haven't totally let it go yet either. Gotta find some new stupid bullshit to focus on before that will happen.