About ten weeks ago I had my entire life figured out. Alright, not my entire life, but a good fucking deal of it. I was going to, after two years of being an intern, finally be hired by my company as a real employee. I was going to be a chip designer - what I knew I wanted to be since my sophomore year. I was finally going to be able to move to within striking distance of where I worked. The two hours of driving time every day would be a thing of the past. I'd finally have some stability in my schedule. I'd be able to start working out again. I'd be able to do that without sacrificing the time I wanted to take to learn Japanese. With school months behind me, I'd have weekends free, too, and I'd be able to take on all sorts of new things - just like all the "real" engineers had been telling me how it was for them once they graduated. But then on April 17th, my entire life changed.

I know now, as I've known for a long time, that I didn't work as hard as I should have in college. Oh, I studied, I got good grades, but I didn't get it. I pushed myself, but not in the right directions. I didn't make myself good enough to be what I said I wanted to be. This isn't my normal setting my standards too high, it's the fucking truth.

That being said, I did still fucking work. I've been doing it since 6th grade. Working my ass off to be the smart one. Working hard for the grades, the awards, the diplomas and degrees. I did work. So many days and nights worrying, agonizing. Yeah, a lot of the time the worry and agony just came from all my procrastinating, but I was still working. Harder than most, I would imagine.

I slacked off a lot at work, too, and I know that. I didn't do enough to impress them, and I know that. But even still, I know someone was impressed, because I was there for two goddamn years. But in the end, for what? To basically be given the impression that I was too fucking stupid to do what I'd devoted myself to? To just be tossed out despite the dedication I'd shown? To be tossed out despite the fact that a senior engineer even told me, and I quote, that they had "grand designs" for me?

The end to that whole work experience has soured me. Soured me so much that I don't even know if I want to be an engineer anymore. If I could find the right thing to do, at this point, I wouldn't care if I never set foot inside an engineering firm ever again. Six fucking years and thousands of dollars are perched on the edge of the drain.

So what is the "right thing"? When I think of what I love, all I can do is look around my room right now. I can see all the generations of my life in the toys I have sitting on my shelves. It's fucking pathetic, but nothing has ever given me the joy that those plastic objects have given me. Probably my favorite one of all time was a MASK toy - Volcano. I can still fucking remember the week I got it. At the time, it was $30. Since I'm spoiled, my grandmother was always giving me money, which of course I never saved. Well, one Sunday, my grandparents were in town, and we were at my aunt's house, and my grandma gave me $20. I was almost stoked - I only needed $10 dollars for Volcano. I bugged and bugged for it, but my mother was like, no, you need to earn that $10 in allowance. So I did my chores that week, and Friday, pay day, came along. My mom picks me up from school, and I start in. Did I earn it? Did I earn my $10 so I can go get Volcano? I didn't have to go get it. When we got home, I found out that my mom had already gone out and bought it for me. I know it's sad, but that was one of the happiest days of my life. Obviously, it was about more than Volcano. It wasn't what I got but how I got it that made it so memorable. Either way, that fucking toy was the enabler.

It's always been that way. These days, I'm fucking miserable. But whenever I pass by the collection of anime toys on my cabinet that I affectionately refer to as "The Girls", I can't help but smile. I dunno why. Most days, that's one of the only things that does make me genuinely feel good, if only for a moment. Sad, I know.

So what can I do with all that? I've been seriously thinking of opening my own shop that specializes in vintage and import toys. I've thought about that for awhile, but now that my career is in ruins, it's surfaced again. Unfortunately, I have no idea how I would pull that off. The age old problem of capital rears its ugly head. I have pretty much no savings, no investments, no equity. So that dream will have to wait.

There's another thing that I always thought would make me happier. That "thing" is getting back to the place where I was around this time 8 years ago, the one time in my life when I had a girlfriend. I always talk about how I know that a girlfriend won't solve my problems. Obviously, that wouldn't be a panacea. But there has always been some part of me that thought maybe finding someone would be the catalyst, the thing that finally got me to get my shit in gear and pull everything together. The problem is, and I have always known this, is that "the person just for me" DNE - does not exist. One thing hit me tonight though, and hit me hard - even if she did exist, that wouldn't make me feel any happier. In fact, I can't think of a single fucking thing right now that would make me feel better.

I don't know why the hell this just came to me tonight, and I don't know why the hell reading and watching Love Hina helped bring me to this conclusion. For awhile, it was driving me in the opposite direction. I was reading, and now watching, the two main characters, Keitaro and Naru. Always fighting, Keitaro spineless, Naru repressed. But despite it all, they were together. Not really together together, but spending time together, enjoying each other's company, having fun. And as I followed that saga, I just got more and more into thinking how that's what I really wanted. I really wanted a Naru of my own.

Hell if I know now why tonight I don't think that having someone to spend time with would make me feel any better about things. This dead weight that I'm always pulling with me, this sunken feeling I have, just isn't going to go away, Naru or no Naru.

I know that just being with people in general is about the only other thing that ever makes me feel better. Not just feel better, but feel good. But the regime of friendship is diminishing, and it has been for a long time. Most of my friendships from the past have been destroyed by relationships that they got involved with. Others have been brought to the brink, and could be brought back under the right circumstances. I sincerely doubt that those circumstances will ever arise, but it is a constant specter. Yeah, I've got a few friends left, and they are good friends. Even, still I don't feel all that close to anyone anymore. And I know that that's my fault; I'm real good apparently at pushing others away, or just not making a good enough effort. Actually, I've felt like as of late, I have been making a good effort with some, but it's not always met with results. And then there's one friend who I'm thinking still has anything to do with me just because she thinks she has to. And another - well, that's always a special case, but it all seems OK for now. The thing I realized is that if I just up and moved away, it probably wouldn't change much in terms of day-to-day operations. At present, I'm spending maybe one or two nights a week around others. Again, that's my fault in oh-so-many ways.

Ever since April 17th, every day you see me is the worst day of my life. Is today the worst day of my life? Yes.

So what? What am I gonna do, go and kill myself? No, I won't be doing that. Worthless as I feel I've become, I know that would upset too many people. But that really shouldn't be the only reason to keep on going. And I know it isn't. But no other reasons are really making themselves apparent at the moment. I know that if this wasn't all worth it, if it truly wasn't, I wouldn't still be here.

So what the fuck? Look, I know plenty of kids my age don't have things figured out yet, and lots of them won't for years. But god fucking damn it, I was supposed to be one of the smart ones. I am one of the smart ones. Not the truly gifted, but smart nonetheless. And damn it, god fucking damn it, I did have it figured out. Why the hell did it have to go so wrong?

Maybe this is just penance for thinking I'm so advanced, so far ahead of the curve. Of course, there's the obvious interpretation that I was on the wrong path, and it's fate or whatever that's brought me to this point. I guess we'll see.

This is just frustrating, so fucking frustrating. It was all about to pay off. I was so damn close. I wanted to feel like I'd made it, and I wanted everyone to be proud of me. I know it's stupid and selfish, but I wanted that. I finally wanted to feel like I was an adult, and not this stupid little child who's never going to be anything. I know people are proud of me, I know they don't think I'll turn into nothing, but I can't take pride in or feel much hope from a lack of results.

Teen weeks ago, I had it all figured out. Now, I know nothing.

It's raining out now; how tritefully poetic. But I love the rain, so I'll take it.

So anyway, I wrote most of this last night, and I find myself running into the usual problems with my writing. Namely, I come up with an idea, or maybe eve write something down. But then I look at it later, and it sounds stupid or over-dramatized. Well, it is over-dramatized; that's kinda my bag. I mean, I'm waxing philosophical about a fucking anime romantic comedy for chrissakes.

Drama or not, I know I have shit to do. There's always one or two questions: how the fuck do I engineer a solution, and how do I implement it? Like I said, that's for me to figure out, and I'm sure that I will. But where I'm at now, I can't help but be depressed and discouraged. Oh well. If Shinji taught me one thing, it's that I musn't run away.