So you remember my original dilemma with eHarmony. As it turns out, I was totally right -- they are a bunch of fucking homophobes.

"Even though we believed that the complaint resulted from an unfair characterization of our business, we ultimately decided it was best to settle this case with the attorney general, since litigation outcomes can be unpredictable," eHarmony attorney Theodore B. Olson said.

The bullshit all speaks for itself, but one question: what the fuck is the former Solicitor General of the United States doing working for eHarmony?

This one's really just for the ultra hard-core nerds out there. Almost a shame that A) He's looking for women and B) I'm not gay (so pissed that I've been told all these years it's a choice and it isn't) because anyone who makes fork() jokes is OK by me.

While we're on the subject of personals that whole eHarmony thing isn't panning out. For those unfamiliar with the service here's how it works:

1. You fill out your personality profile so that they can begin matching you based on 29 different dimensions of compatability.
2. Once you are in the system you can fill out a profile and upload pictures for others to see. In other words, a picture and a paragraph.
3. When you are matched with someone based on 29 different dimensions of compatability you are notified as such.
4. When you are matched with someone based on 29 different dimensions of compatability you can then choose to A) Ignore them B) "Close" the match and notify the other party of your lack of interest or C) Begin communicating.

As you might imagine it's primarily A and B action going on. I have received no incoming C action and anytime I try and initiate communication it is almost always fucking ignored. When someone tries to start communicating with you -- someone who, may I remind you, was matched with you based on 29 different dimensions of compatability -- you can politely close that match if you're not interested. But most of these dumb bitches don't even give you that courtesy! This is pretty much just like real fucking life. Fuck that. eFuckingLame.

Anyway I just don't see why I can't get a girlfriend.

It could be that like most of the fucking girls out there are, apparently, 5'7" and above. Apparently their 29 different dimensions of compatability don't include height. Yeah I know, I make a much bigger deal out the whole short man's syndrome thing than I should, but c'mon. Throw me a fucking bone here.

eMisery

So after all these years of blogging it should be pretty obvious that I'm, like, one of the loneliest motherfuckers out there (my new girlfriend not withstanding). If I'm a straight guy blogging about the guys I'd have sex with if I had to, I've gotta be pretty lonely. I know you're probably thinking "closet case..." but that's just not it. Despite the shopping habit, despite always wanting to dress nice, despite enjoying decorating, despite the Pinky Street obsession, despite taking an hour every fucking morning just to get showered and dressed, I'm still attracted to women and not guys.

And I'm sure most are like, well yeah duh you're lonely, have you paid any attention to what you're like? But c'mon, I'm not that bad. A handful of really good people have enjoyed having me around. And a bunch of total dooshebags haven't, but hey, that's life.

Or maybe I am that bad. I look back over the years, and only once has a friend even made a half-assed kinda-sorta attempt to set me up with someone. You would think that for a guy who is pretty smart, has a master's degree in something useful, has a good job, has a mortgage instead of a lease, is nearing his second new BMW in three years, and is actually a pretty caring and entertaining and decent guy despite all the sarcasm and bitching and other issues, that someone, at some point, would have thought I'd be a good guy for someone else and I'd have gotten some help. But apparently I have so much bad that it way more than cancels out all the good. So in the end that really tells me all that I need to know about myself.

Of course it's not everyone else's job to fix my solitude issues. It'd be nice, but the responsibility is still mine. Of course, being painfully fucking shy doesn't help much, either. I did start taking an anti-anxiety medication recently, so we'll see if that helps calm me in social situations. So far all it's managed to do is make me even more sleepy during the day than I normally am.

If things continue like this, though, I think I'm gonna end up a Type B Bisexual male. The way I see it, there are two types of bi guys: A) guys who are truly attracted to both men and women, and B) guys who are willing to settle. You know, some guys go out looking for pussy, they'll settle for dick. Unless if I'd rather stay alone, eventually I'm going to have to settle for something, whether it be dick or something else sub-optimal. Guess that would serve me right for all these years of being a spoiled prick. I've gotten damn near everything else I've wanted but no one can have it all.

But who knows, maybe it's not completely bleak. This past weekend ETP was trying to encourage me to sign up for an online dating site. Which kinda makes sense. I'm obviously not going to be able to find someone in the ways most people have for hundreds of years. Plus I'm good at spending money after all (which leads me to strongly consider a mail-order bride).

So the first two sites that came to mind were eHarmony and match.com. I go to eHarmony, and look at their "I'm an X looking for an X" dropdown boxes. The only options are a guy looking for a girl or vice versa. No love for the queers. Despite not being at the Type B stage (yet), I was still kinda put off by the implicit homophobia they showed.

So I go over to Match, and at the bottom of their front page is some kind of ad for Dr. Phil. So back to eHarmony.

And hey, why not? They do match you on 29 dimensions of something or other. And if there are three things I trust in this world, it's a soft-spoken but mildly creepy old man claiming that he can help me find the love of my life, psychology, and programmers writing code to match me up with said love of my life.

As far as the latent homophobia? Well, maybe with their supposed system they just don't feel like they have the expertise to be making matches for homosexual couples. Already an apologist, yeah, but at least I'm not aligning myself with Dr. Phil.

It's only been a few days so far, but not much luck at this point. Got a couple decent matches, like a girl who is around my age and is 4'8", but she wasn't interested. Today one of my new matches that showed up was a very cute Japanese girl who unfortunately lives in Canada. Still waiting to hear back from her but not exactly holding out a ton of hope there.

So yeah, that was probably ninety bucks wasted. If anything comes of this endeavor you will all be the first to know, because fire and brimstone will start raining from the sky and Jesus will make his long-awaited return appearance.