Alright everybody, you're going to have to sit down for this next one. Considering you're reading a 'blog and most likely at your computer that shouldn't be much of a problem. Now, we've all seen a lot of dumbass, frivolous, unfounded lawsuits over the years. People suing McDonald's for spilling coffee on themselves. People suing food companies because they made themselves fat. People suing tobacco companies after they knew full well smoking is bad for you. People suing Fear Factor because they got sick while watching the show. But all of that pales in comparison to -- wait for it -- this.

Heckard apparently is suing Jordan for defamation and permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering.

For filing this lawsuit, Michael Jordan should be allowed to show up at this guy's house and beat the shit out of him, thus causing permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering.

He is suing Knight for defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the world's most famous athletes.

What were they supposed to do? Promote Jordan so he's only marginally famous, and then stop?

But Heckard bears a physical resemblance to Jordan because he has a shaved head, an earring in his left ear, and is in good physical shape -- from playing basketball.

So let your hair grow, don't wear an earring, let yourself get fat, and find another sport, prick.

Wouldn't most people consider that a compliment?

"Yes, don't get me wrong it's definitely a positive thing, because Michael, like I say is one of the best ball players that I've known to play the game."

So you're suing. Over something that you admit is a positive thing. Right.

"So I want to be recognized as me just like Michael's being recognized as Michael."

Explain to me again how this is a problem for Jordan, Nike, and the courts to solve.

The television station apparently caught Heckard wearing blue Air Jordan tennis shoes.

What. An. Asshole.

What made Heckard decide to file suit against Jordan and Knight for $416 million each?

"Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and then I turn around and I figure that's what it all boils down to."

Nice, genius.

Gee, I wish I could be a creepy pedo in public and get away with it. "Uh, BLM, you are and you do." I dunno, I just talk about it on a 'blog; I don't think that counts. I certainly don't do things like this in front of others. OR in private, so settle down.

Mr Putin came across Nikita, five, in the Kremlin last week, lifted up his T-shirt and suddenly kissed him.

I mean, Jesus, could anything be weirder? Well, sure something could, in theory, but this shit is as real as ER (ER is real, for those of you not in on this fact). And it's not like this was Michael Jackson, who we'd expect something like that from; no, it's the leader of Mother goddamn Russia.

"He seemed very independent and serious... I wanted to cuddle him like a kitten and it came out in this gesture. He seemed so nice," he said.

You're not really helping your case there, dude. And sure, maybe you get this urge, but that doesn't mean you fucking follow through with it.

"There is nothing behind it"

No, but I'm guessing if you really had your druthers, there sure would be.

Is there some kind of Russian cultural thing I might be missing? Or is this as messed up as it seems?

Because no one else is making this joke

Or, you can be neither.

This rest of this post is pretty stale, too, but I'm in the mood for a bunch of smart-ass comments on a load of utter crap.

"The president that chases the opinion poll is the president that will have failed policy."

Like usual, simpleton, it doesn't have to be an either/or proposition.

"Because we're right on winning this war on terror, and we've got a good economic record."

Just because you say something, doesn't mean it's true. Hey, I'm getting so much pussy that every time I turn around I find myself saying "These hos have gotta get up offa me. Damn, despite saying that, I'm still sitting here alone.

When it comes to the most controversial single decision of his presidency -- invading Iraq -- the president told King he would make the same choice again, even knowing that Saddam Hussein's regime did not have weapons of mass destruction.

Any way you try and slice that, that is still one of the dumbest things ever said.

"We removed a tyrant," Bush said.

Yeah, I guess. But I'll use this as an opportunity to reference this cartoon, which if, for no other reason, is funny to me thanks to the caricature that doesn't really even look like Saddam.

"He was an enemy of the United States..."

Yeah, one who had our boot so far up his ass that he couldn't really do anything.

"... who harbored terrorists..."

Uh, he gave a couple of checks to the families of suicide bombers. Or at least, that's what you used to keep harping on.

"... and who had the capacity, at the very minimum, to make weapons of mass destruction."

Just insert disgruntled sighing noises here.

"And he was a true threat."

Survey says..... BZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

Bush also told King that if North Korea's missiles had presented a threat to the United States, "We had a plan in place to respond."

"We've got a missile defense system that will defend our country," he said without elaborating.

What, you mean the missile shield that usually fails during tests? You know, the tests where we know ahead of time there's an incoming target?

"Quite the contrary. I feel it is an honor to be in this position," he said. "I wake up enthused about working on this year's problems because I've got confidence we can solve them."

Wow, that's pretty optimistic since we've solved, I dunno, about zero problems in this country in recent memory. To say nothing of the new ones we've created.

He said he fears another September 11-style terrorist attack. "I think we're safer, but I'm worried about an enemy that wants to hit us again."

Saying he worries is about as close as I've seen Bush get to thinking and speaking realistically, and using the qualifier of "I think" tells you pretty much everything you need to know.

The president says he retains a good relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin...

I'll get back to Vlady here in a minute.

The president said the federal government is "better prepared today than we were last year" to deal with another hurricane disaster.

How could we possibly be LESS fucking prepared?! Yeah, I know, we could be, and that's really scary.

We've got a better relationship with the [National] Guard so that the Guard can move more immediately.

How? Have you stopped sending them off to die in Iraq? One weekend a month!

Bush predicted that al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden will be captured eventually.

Alright, I'm done. On a scale of one to ten, the bullshit just hit, I dunno, a million.

In celebration of July 4th, here's an article that showcases so many of the things wrong with America -- religion, politics, money, influence, etc. A nice reminder of how far we've strayed from the ideals that this country was founded upon, even if the Founding Fathers were a bunch of hypocrites (real hypocrites, not James Dobson hypocrites).

"This incident raises the disquieting possibility that the MPAA considers exposure to Christian themes more dangerous for children than exposure to gratuitous sex and violence," Blunt said in a letter to MPAA Chairman and Chief Executive Officer Dan Glickman.

Yes Roy, that's an excellent point, because so many movies with gratuitous sex and violence are getting G ratings.

"Mr. Blunt does continue to have questions about the process by which 'Facing the Giants' was rated and what that says about ratings creep in general," spokeswoman Burson Taylor said Friday.

We can argue about what a bunch of bullshit the MPAA ratings system can be, but it's sad that the only reason they're getting all up in arms over this is because of Jesus. I am so tired of the poor little repressed Christians getting all boo-hooey when they just think someone is doing something to go against their superstitions.