Then there was this that I read about somewhat recently. No, it's not abuse, it's just stupid and fucked up. Fucked up for obvious reasons, and stupid for this comment by the photographer, Jill Greenberg, who undoubtedly considers herself an "artist":

"The first little boy I shot, Liam, suddenly became hysterically upset," the Los Angeles-based photographer said. "It reminded me of helplessness and anger I feel about our current political and social situation."

What? Jesus Christ lady, you are really fucking stretching your attempts at social commentary on this one. Your pretentiousness and self-importance really shine through with that leap in thought. This project isn't about the "helplessness and anger" you feel, it's about "Hi, I like to make kids cry."

Why are all the kids naked, or at least topless? If naked kids are involved and I'm calling you out instead of making a joke then you've probably done something wrong. And what kind of asshole parents are setting their kids up for this shit?

"Taking away a lollipop is not child abuse. There's no irreparable harm. I'm just not sure there's any significance to the photographs either."

Even if it's coming from some other pretentious art fuck, that pretty much says it all.

And while we're on the subject of pictures of kids (relax, what you expect from me is not forthcoming), I may as well link yet another gem from The Onion.

Basement lipo. Yeah, no way that that can go wrong. This post, however, can go way more wrong.

"There are people who will take advantage of women who can't travel to Brazil or who don't have the resources, because aesthetics are so important in Brazil," she said.

Well, even if aesthetics are important, they apparently aren't all that choosy in the end. According to Maxim a few years back, one in ten women in Brazil has had sexual contact with an animal at some point. And we trust what Maxim has to say on everything.

"Get a load of this, everyone. Even as we're all sittin' here, somewhere out there somewhere, someone's having sex with an animal. Yeah! And some of you are thinkin' "Let's get there before there's a line." Well that's not what I'm talking about... People are having sex with animals! And then we wonder why the animals attack us!"
- Dave Attell

This is pretty hilarious. If something that improbable happens, you were just somehow destined to get in trouble.

The woman, who became suspicious of the delay as the waitress went to call police, fled the Moosehead Saloon, but her companion provided her name.

Having your friend rat you out is also pretty solid. Of course, I guess you can't really expect for someone to lie to the cops for you. You should, however, give your friends a heads-up if you're fleeing the scene of some kind of crime so that maybe they can get the hell out too.

Maria Bergan, 23, of Lakewood, was charged Sunday night with identity theft and receiving stolen property.

And that makes it even more solid -- she was actually of legal age to drink. You might try mixing in a driver's license of your own someeday, Maria. You've only had seven years (depending on local laws) to get your shit together on that one.

See, why can't more politicians have a sense of humor like this? I think this country would be a lot better off if 230 years ago we hadn't declared our independence from being able to take a fucking joke.