Soulless cocksuckers pt. XXVIII

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

More random shit from ReaganFest 2004:

• Quick question: are they going to bury Reagan, or just leave him on that pedestal they set the casket on?
• As for the footage of Bush the 41st getting choked up at the funeral in Washington: this is rapidly becoming the Saddam statue fall for this year. Yes, it was a very touching moment, but we don't need to see it 67,000 times, guys.
• National Cathedral. Have you gotten even a glance at that place? Now, I ironically love church and cathedral architecture, but Jesus Christ. Can we just fucking admit that Christianity is our national religion and get it over with?

Men are bad people. We know this. Still, there are some times that we go above and beyond the call of duty in being pigs.

Probably the biggest example I can think of was Columbine. Like everyone, us guys are watching the horrible events going down, feeling the emotions you'd expect when witnessing something like that. Still, despite the horrid events we were watching, we could not help but scan the crowds of students for hot chicks. It can't be helped; it's just ingrained in us to do that. We can be concerned and sensitive (well, some of us can), but we're still guys. If you had a penis and you were watching things unfold as it happened, you know what I'm talking about. Don't even front.

Now, maybe not all guys do this since I'm a special breed of bad person, but I doubt that I'm alone on this one. Anytime I see a news article where some girl gets killed or goes missing or something, I often read the article out of that normal human tendency to be interested in things like that, just like when we all slow down for car accidents. On top of that, though, I click that story link in hopes that there's a picture of the girl and that she was hot. Hey, I'm not proud of it.

The latest example was tonight. I get home, and of course the Reagan shit is on. I'm considering just turning it the fuck off, when I see footage of the Reagan family arriving. In the family party is... A potential hottie. So I spend I don't know how much time just waiting for the god damn camera to pan to her, and it's not happening. Son of a bitch. Then, once everyone is saying their final goodbyes to the casket, the payoff. I finally get a chance to get a good look her, and yeah, she's pretty fucking hot. Hot enough to get me to vote Republican. Nice pair of legs on her. I think she was Michael Reagan's daughter Ashley. Lucky for me I fell asleep afterwards and woke up just in time to see that segment getting re-aired on CNN since apparently not a fucking other thing happened in the world today. No, I don't have any pictures of her to link to, and yes, I went looking. And, yeah. Bad person.

I'm sure glad that's over with

So I watched a decent amount of the services for Reagan tonight, or at least a decent part of the services out in California. Partly because - as always - there wasn't a fucking thing on TV, and partly for another reason I'll get to shortly. Some random shit:

• I've said it before, and I'll say it again: our burial rituals are fucking retarded. All the pageantry and all the bullshit which is, of course, not for the deceased, but for the living. The dead person doesn't give a shit, because they can't. Well, maybe they can, but we really have no fucking clue, regardless of what the man in the funny hat and his bathrobe tells you.
• And military funerals? Super retarded. All the silly marching in place, and we've gotta shoot our guns, and the guy grunting the orders, and 50 men folding a flag, and blah blah blah. Yes, I know, it's a huge honor, and "I don't know what it's like," but it's still goofy.
• All these people had better hope I'm not in charge when Clinton dies, because I'm going to kick off like a month-long bender in his honor. Now, I'm no Clinton worshipper, but I do like Bill and Hillary - they're smart fuckers who are out for personal gain, and I respect that. Unlike some others, though, they do it with a flair that no one else does it with, and I find it entertaining. And, as I said, a big party for Clinton would really piss the right-wingers off.
• Okay, I'm clearly being a disrespectful asshole here, but at least I'm not one of the photographers who was at the services. Nancy Reagan is there breaking down and in her last few moments with the casket, and all you can hear is about a billion clicks of fucking cameras. Okay, I suppose if they really didn't want cameras there they could have just told everyone to fuck off, but still. Give it a rest and give the woman one fucking second of peace, you cocksuckers. Actually, I distinctly remember about three seconds of silence at one point - when the fuckers were reloading their cameras.
• And hey, how about America's Little Boy, George W. Bush, at the funeral in Washington? I've only seen a few clips of it, but Georgie looked rather poised and confident up there, unlike pretty much any other speech he's given. And why wouldn't he be relaxed up there? After all, that's the only time he's going to get to speak where afterwards a bunch of reporters aren't going to ask him really tough questions like "What mistakes do you feel you have made?"
• One thing really hit me, though, when I was watching the motorcade on the way to Reagan's library. I realized that we are probably never going to see something like this again. With all the jokes and complaints I've had going here all week, there's no denying that Reagan had an impact. All those fucking people coming out to show their support demonstrates his influence. All those people who really really liked Reagan and/or had nothing better to do made for an impressive turnout.
• God damn it that guy who was Reagan's pastor or personal priest or whatever was a fucking blowhard. I was like, dude, wrap this shit up, or I am going to die here - of old age.
• Reagan picked a helluva a time to finally die. He managed to time it so that he overshadowed both the 60th anniversary of the Normandy invasion and the death of Ray Charles. Not bad.

At first glance, this is kinda fucking cool, but at second glance, it's actually just retarded. Shitty plastic boxes with crummy sparkly cardboard. Until they can make them come out of Soundwave's chest and inexplicably power robots just by containing oil, I will remain unimpressed.

Yeah, fuck Reagan

Krugman lends his usual affirming stance to the Reagan debate.

Well, fuck. Not like we haven't known this for a long time, but still, fuck. The notion of McCain as VP is kinda ridiculous on one hand seeing as how the guy should be President as opposed to being relegated to the second spot. Still, a Kerry-McCain ticket was a nice fantasy, if for no other reason so that I would finally have a reason besides "I don't hate him near as much as Bush" to get behind Kerry.

Google search:

gmail account for blowjob

I have clearly not been making the most of my GMail invite privileges.

Google search:

fuck reagan

Considering how many people there must be out there who hate Reagan, I think it's kinda impressive that I manage to make it to page two of the search results.

You know what I think would be hillarious? If we somehow found out that Reagan's body isn't even in that casket. I mean, that would have made sense, wouldn't it have? If the casket is closed, no one would know if a body is in there or not. After all, why take the risk of putting the decaying corpse of a man who's basically being deified this week on public display when you could get away with not putting it in there? I think it would be funny if all those thousands of people were wasting all that time to go stand in front of an empty box so that they can say their empty prayers and then move on with their empty lives.

Then there's the fact that the NY Stock Exchange is going to be closed this Friday. If that isn't a massive indicator of just how big of a backer of The Business Criminal Ronald Reagan was, I don't know what is.

I'm confused: is NewsMax conservative or liberal?

No sweat, guys. We all know that the war in Iraq is fixing all that.

It's a really, really long list

Someone else to add to the list of people who shoud be shot. Just for the record, I and anyone I deem fit are exempt from the list because it was my idea. Plus, no one has ever conceived of such a list before.

Britney Spears is suffering from a knee injury. Again. Hmmmm...

Speaking of the navy, if I ever did end up there, they would probably give me a shitty rank with a weak-ass uniform and assign me to a ship made of plastic that runs Windows.

My favorite part of that article was the talk of using a "secret angle," which of course, means nothing. That's right; they've got an angle no one else has, and they're not telling anyone about it. It's making life hell for protractor manufacturers, I'm sure.

There is no wrong hole

I've spent a bunch of time over the past few days perusing this site about the U.S.S. Enterprise. No, this isn't some stupid Star Trek bullshit; it's about the aircraft carrier that served in WWII.

I've got kind of a passing interest in naval history and technology, and I'm pretty sure it's not entirely Trek bourne. And it has nothing to do with sailor schoolgirls, either; I'm smart enough to know that I'm not going to find any of that action there.

Even though I'm a liberal and of course hate the military, the navy is just kinda neat to me. I think part of it is that they get both ships AND planes. I've always hoped that when they finally do find a way to draft me and get me killed that they could at least make me an officer and put me on a ship somewhere. Basically, I just want to wear a cool-looking uniform and tell people my rank and ship, but I don't wanna have to actually do work or die or anything because of, you know, that whole "coward" thing. Which, of course, is why the only way I'm going into the military will be kicking and screaming. Well, that or doing what I'm told and then bitching about it with my friends.

I'll spare you any "seaman" or "rear admiral" jokes just because it's all too easy and even more played-out than most of the shit you normally find here.

The Shat

Okay, after the night I've had, I really needed this. Some people have a loving wife or girlfriend, but I guess I'll just have to settle for William Fucking Shatner. Link found over at kindofcrap.

I was in my kitchen, washing a dish

Yeah, so, shitty night. Got myself into a car accident a couple of hours ago. The good news (or bad news depending on where you're coming from) is that I'm fine. The car came out of it decently well. Smashed up on one side, but drivable. And of course, I'm 'blogging about it first chance I get, because I'm a fucking loser.

I was on my way home, coming through an intersection when I got t-boned. All I remember was seeing the car coming at me, trying to swerve, the loud noise, spinning around, then nothing other than "Oh. Fuck."

Surprisingly, I got my shit together right away. Turned the car off, called 911. Then I get out of the car to go find and face the other driver.

Nothing. No car. No other driver. They took off.

So that's fucked up. I don't know if they'll be able to determine fault since there was only one witness (who reported at the scene, at least) who didn't see it but came out from his backyard after he heard us hit. Hopefully the car isn't too fucked up so that I can just pay out of pocket instead of filing an insurance claim. Just what I need, for my fucking insurance to go up.

Physically, I'm fine. I got up and out of the car right away. I might be a little sore tomorrow if one accident I got into several years ago is any indicator. But nothing serious, at least not physically.

Mentally, I of course feel shitty. If I just hadn't been a little dumbfuck and come home after work, this wouldn't have happened. If I had taken a different route home, had come home five minutes earlier, five minutes later... Yup, "what if." Always the worst thing. I know I can't do shit about it now, but you can never get rid of that nagging question.

In addition to worrying about all the money shit, this is just embarrassing. No matter what, if I just hadn't been a stupid shit and gone out running around, I wouldn't be in this position. Same shit as above; nothing I can do about it now. But I'm me, and I can't help but be pissed at myself, even over shit that I can't control. I'm dumb like that.

Then of course, my mind goes into paranoid delusional mode. Well, "goes into" is kind of a bad choice of words; that's where my mind always is. No matter what, the other driver is not going to be in good shape if they get caught. The police get kind of pissed when you leave the scene of an accident. Twelve-point ticket, equivalent to a DUI. Whoever that person is will probably be pissed. So now, I find myself thinking things like they're going to be pissed and track me down and kill me some day.

But hey! Suicide at Twenty-five. They've only got 22 days to track me down and make the kill before I do it myself.

Even if I'm dead, what if they need to go further for revenge? What if they go after my family? I know it's all irrational, but this is the kind of stupid shit that's always going through my head.

Fuck. It's nights like these that it would be really nice to have someone to come home to. You know, someone who, when I'm ranting and raving about what a fucking idiot I am, will tell me "Yeah, you are a fucking idiot. But I love 'ya anyway."

Then again, maybe I'm better off this way. It could easily go the other way, and instead of having some comfort I've instead got someone yelling at me regardless of whether or not it's my fault. You know, especially if she's not a "pushover mom" type. That last line would make more sense if I'd just finish posting crap about my Chicago trip, but we'll get to it eventually.

Whatever. It's all said and done now, nothing I can do to fix it or make it better. Just gotta see what the fallout is. Naturally, the most important thing is that I'm alive and uninjured. But of course, the night is young.

Speaking of Reagan and money, there's more bullshit going down to try and put Reagan on U.S. money. Knock it the fuck off, will you cocksuckers? You already re-named National Airport for him and named an aircraft carrier after him. A fucking aircraft carrier. What the fuck more does the dead cocksucker need? He couldn't remember what was named for him when he was alive, and he certainly doesn't care now. Of course, it's not about him, it's about you. But shit, even Nancy Reagan has been putting the brakes on a lot of this naming and emblazoning frenzy, like with the dime and the proposed Ronald Reagan University. The guy is your god, okay? We get it.

A lot of people I've met over the years like to talk about how they're "fiscally conservative," even though they don't qualify that phrase with anything. For a bunch of them, I just want to hit them with a baseball bat and ask them "What the fuck does 'fiscally conservative' mean to you? Are you a supply-sider? A fan of Reaganomics?" Here and here are two commentaries on Reaganomics.

Like always, I don't know shit about shit, but I just can't get on board with the notion of supply-side economics. Heavy military spending (much of it just for the sake of spending) and massive tax cuts for the rich. Yeah, sounds super. Back in Reagan's day, heavy military spending sort of made some sense. We were still in the Cold War, and there's no doubt that what Reagan did helped accelerate the end of the Soviet Union. But at some point the Soviet Union was bound to fall anyway; Soviet Communism just couldn't sustain its own business model. Nowadays you have calls for the same kind of spending, especially since we're involved in The War Against Terrorism (TWAT). The problem here, though, is that we can't merely outspend al Qaeda like we did with the Soviets. To paraphrase the Pointy Haired Boss, we need to spend smarter, not harder.

The way that the tax cuts for the rich are sold is obviously a weak screen. There's this other stupid notion that if the rich have more money, they'll put it back into the economy. Bullshit. The rich just want to have more money so that they can horde it. Why the hell else do you have all these corporate crooks cooking books and skirting taxes? It's so that they have more to add to their piles. I mean, they're fucking rich, so they're probably already spending as much money as they want to. It's not like they're going to get a tax cut and say to themselves "You know what? It's time I started giving back to the U.S. economy."

Also, the basic notion that boosting the supply side of the equation will somehow magically cause demand to come along with it strikes me as being, well, "faith-based" economics. Pretty big gamble. Unless of course if you're rich, then it's not a gamble because it's rigged in your favor.

"I don't know where he got his convictions because he wasn't greatly interested in analysis, but they were extremely good."

Um, yeah, that pretty much sums it up for me. No analysis or critical thought, just "convictions." Maybe it's just me and my engineering mentality, but when it comes to something like steering the U.S. economy, I'd like to see at least a little bit of analysis. But then again, they do say that it's better to be lucky than good.

The Security Council has unanimously backed the latest resolution. I don't know why Bush is acting like this is such a huge coup, other than the fact that he's an idiot. Why wouldn't the UN back a plan to transfer sovereignty to Iraq, away from the US? Even though it's not really full sovereignty... More like sovereignty with training wheels. That isn't exactly a criticism, of course - things have to be taken one step at a time. I'm just sick of all this bullshit that's being thrown at us, tyring to make it look like Iraq will be doing everything on their own after June 30th without input or heavy influence from us.

Since I'm at work, I can't yet check this out. It sounds like it has potential, but with Democratic members of congress behind it, it will probably be retarded.

"They're only doing it to try to motivate their base."

Ummm, no fucking shit? Yeah, of course they're trying to motivate their base. So are you. That's just kinda what you do in an election, you fucking dipshit. I'm tired of people saying stupid crap and acting like it's some grand revelation. Which makes me wonder why I'm not yet sick of this site.

Also, since we're kinda making fun of Republicans, I think this counts as a child molestation joke. Because, as we all know, all Republicans are child sex offenders. Karl Rove tried to buy me child pornography once, you know. But I had to slap him in the face and tell him "NO KARL ROVE THAT'S A BAD KARL ROVE!"

I'm going to re-new my call to re-fight the Civil War, only this time let the South win just so that we can get rid of them. Sure, we're going to lose some hotties with those sexy Southern accents, but they're all fucking their brothers anyway. And while that too can be kinda hot, I'm willing to make the sacrifice.

Alright now, settle down, children. It's just one of those days, and we're two-thirds of the way through the Triad of Tasteless and Offensive Jokes. Beastiality and incest are down, with child molestation to go. Sure, I could have easily mixed that in with the incest, but that'd be a cheap cop-out. Any such attempts would run counter to the expectation of quality you have for the content of Fuck everything.

Oh, and shit, that means we need to mix in some genocide jokes, too. If I'm taking time to showcase what an upstanding human being I am, may as well go the full nine.

Not often, but every now and then...

Another thing I hate: when judges try to get all smart and cleaver with their sentences. Get over yourself. If you really want to punish someone for mistreating horses, just lock the person up in a room with those horses and let the horses have their way with that person (if you know what I mean). Because, let's face it, that's some hot shit right there.

Okay, now back to commentary and jokes that shouldn't make most of you sick. Look, this is a woman from Baytown, Texas living in a mobile home. Now, I'm not saying that just because you live in a mobile home in Baytown that you're low class, but if you live in a mobile home in Baytown you're low class. Bread and water for three days was probably a fucking feast for this woman. Oh, and I'm sure that putting pictures of the horses in her jail cell will do wonders. I have no doubt that she'll be all better once her thirty days are up.

Bonus points if you're not ETP and not Jared and you can pick up the reference in this post's title.

Top Vomit

Over on Assdot, the current poll is Favorite Top Ramen flavor. I found this comment to the poll rather amusing:

Top Ramen (or Smack Ramen in some markets) are square blocks of fried and dried noodles. Campbells also has a competing product. They come wrapped in plastic with a foil packet of seasoning that consists mainly of salt. They sell for 4 to 6 for $1 here in the states. You boil 2 cups of water, add the noodles, add the sauce, and whatever leftovers you have, if any. They were 10 for $1 back in my broke days (80s).

Everyone who has been poor, or is poor, knows these noodles. This would include college students. They are the cheapest way to put some calories in your stomache available in the US. They taste ok.

Some people like to boil them whole, making long noodles, but I prefer to crush them in the package, and use only 1 cup of water, making the juices much stronger. For extra flavor, you can add a hot dog or some bologna. (keep in mind, this is po' folk food). Left over bacon or ham does nicely as well, unless staying kosher is a consideration. Diced green onion is also nice, if you have them.

Top Ramen is a "right of passage". You know you are not poor anymore when you look into the cabinets, and you see food, but none of it is Top Ramen.

Top Ramen. Ugh. That was a good part of my diet sophomore year of college. That and sandwiches, because I could not stand the fucking cafeteria. I can still eat sandwiches, but I don't think I'll be able to eat Top Ramen ever again. My roommate and I ate our fair share of the stuff, dining almost exclusively (or maybe entirely) on the "chicken" flavor. He had these big plastic cups that we'd microwave the water and noodles in, to which we'd add the seasoning before eating straight from the cup. That worked out pretty conveniently, but I remember my rommate telling me after we had moved out that no matter how much he washed them in the dishwasher, that chicken-flavor smell would never go away. That's fucking gross.

Nowadays, I'm not poor like I was in college. As BOETP can attest to, though, my food stocks are still pretty sparse. In my fridge right now, I've got imitation crab, Gatorade, pickled ginger, water, ketchup, Smart balance, and... That's pretty much it. But if I wanted some food in there, goddammit, I could get some. And there's no bloody Top Ramen - anywhere.

I know we're going to have to put up with plenty of Reagan shit - especially this week - but I do hope that it dies down and doesn't impact the campaign that much. Oh, they'll exploit Reagan's death for sure, but they probably can't use it to their advantage like they would have had this happened closer to the convention or the election.

A couple of things I'm (potentially) looking forward to:

• Will Clinton get to speak at the funeral? You know he was all too excited to get his grill in front of the cameras and to be releasing statements once Reagan died, and I think he'd do what he could to steal the show at the funeral if given the chance.
• The Onion is bound to have something good to say about this whole affair.

Bad person

Yeah, but did the tree make a sound?

Another happy story.

"Had the kids not revolted, I think he would have done them all."

Done? What was this, a fucking mob hit?

Some new (and maybe not-so-new) Fe linkers:

want an ice cube?
frenetic zeitgeist
Umfriend
Greyice
Notes to A New Moon Home Page

Also, this guy didn't link Fe, but he did e-mail me as well as link my sailor schoolgirl site on his hentai page, so we'll give him some love here:

Anime MASTER

Yet another proud moment for the state of Colorado.

I love it when every year or every couple of years the world of horse racing gets all uppity because someone might win the Triple Crown, only to inevitably lose in the end. That never gets old.