For any newcomers, I seriously don't make this Google nonsense up -- it actually shows up in my traffic log. Google search:

i need to get some pussy or i will probably eat shit and die

You know what, dude? A lot of us have got it bad, but... Oh, fuck it. Just kill yourself. I don't really know how you go from a dearth of pussy to eating shit, and I don't wanna.

Yeah, but will NASA's new computer be able to explain it all?

Okay, we can give the kid credit for surviving four days alone in the wilderness. But that's about it. I mean, get this shit:

"We've also told him don't talk to strangers. ... When an ATV or horse came by, he got off the trail. ... When they left, he got back on the trail."

Sooooo... He avoided being rescued. Yeah, that seems pretty smart. Sure, I can understand, I guess, but still. He would have been found earlier if he hadn't been trying to evade rescuers. But that's ok; his parents are "amazed" by their little boy. Especially the father:

"You know, his ability to deal with this initially, I made the comment that I thought that he was the most ill-prepared out of our five children to deal with it..."

and

"He doesn't have any disabilities; he's just immature."

Yeah, way to build the kid's confidence, dipshit. Because I'm sure he doesn't say anything like this -- or worse -- as part of the normal family routine. Of course, I really don't expect much from anyone actually named "Toby." Is Dad gonna write a country song about the whole ordeal?

Why does Technorati have to suck so bad? First, they're always changing shit so that they can add new useless features. So periodically, the site is broken because of that. This couples nicely with the fact that the site is always flaky to begin with. Then there was that period where the list of links to my 'blog was virtually useless since it kept picking up all of the archive links to myself. They finally fixed that, but now? Now they've changed their search so that it only shows the total number of links to my 'blog, and not the number I really care about, which is the number of individual 'blogs linking to mine. Technorati can officially go fuck itself.

You won't care about this, but I do. I never knew that the concept of integrated circuits was, essentially, developed out of the desire to avoid doing other work.

Okay, I, hell, we, are slipping our old age. How did we let this slip by? It had better not be a box of blank discs, too.

Pussy. I know I'm just wasting my breath here, but stick to your fucking guns, you god damn pussy.

Sen. Dick Durbin of Illinois said he "never intended any disrespect" to U.S. troops with his June 14 comments...

Why not? If the troops are doing shitty things, then fuck 'em. It's not disrespect if you're calling assholes on being assholes. Yeah, okay, so some of them are doing bad things, but not necessarily Mengele-type bad things. Actually, I take it back; those troops aren't really responsible for the prisoner abuse, and they shouldn't be maligned for what they've done. After all, they were just following orders.

Google search:

"too young even for me"

Big shocker that I'm on page one of the results for this. I've seriously thought about considering maybe de-listing my site from Google one day because I'm tired of searches along these lines. Probably my most common search hit nowadays is for "underage" coupled with another word that I'm particularly fond of (I don't wanna use the actual phrase just so I can avoid seeding Google any more), but again, that's one of many. Whatever; it's just getting old.

Oh, and I love how the post that comes up in that Google search is this one, which only makes ones like this gem look even more troublesome. Once again, for myriad reasons, we need to find something else disturbing and offensive for me to latch on to.

Why would God design fat people, anyway?

We already know that Leonard Nimoy likes boobs, and apparently, he's a chubby chaser as well. Look, I don't exactly go for the malnourished look with people, but big... Isn't beautiful. In fact, it's pretty ugly. Sorry, but that's how it is. If you're fat and you're cool with that, more power to 'ya. Of course it doesn't make you less of a person since, technically, it makes you more of a person. You really shouldn't be treated poorly or discriminated against just for being fat, but you're gonna face that -- both in this post and in this society. Either way, you need to quit being all uppity about it. All those people who are "celebrating" being tubs? Denial. And stupid, because it's not like being overweight is a healthy thing (fuck what any of those "studies" about obesity being OK have to say). So nevermind, we can discriminate against these people for being morons. Hey, Antiwang knows what I'm talking about.

And you know, at least if you're fat, you can do things to get rid of that fat. No, it may not be easy, and yes, some people may have legitimate troubles slimming down, but at least there are options. It's not like just plain unattractive people can melt away their ugly by hitting the treadmill, but you can, so shut up already. If there's an unattractive slim person hiding under all that flab, well, you'll just have to do what the rest of us ugly people do -- get used to it. At least you're not fat on top of being ugly anymore! And if you wanna stay fat, that's fine, too, since we know there are a handful of Leonard Nimoys out there.

Man, we almost have some kind of God theme going (only we don't) since I just made that post about intelligent design and God while the old post of mine mentioned above linked that "100 Artists See God" exhibition. #6 still kicks the ass out of everything; I'm down with worshipping a ping-pong ball with black dotted eyes and some kind of bird's feet. Hey, not any dumber than acid wash.

"It's like an entire country with a 'no fat chicks' bumpersticker."
- Greg Proops on Australia which is, apparently, "Arkansas with a beach."

I don't NEEEEEED no instructions to know how to rock!

Okay, so I originally wasn't going to post this because it's not really funny, and also because the link it contained is already broken, but I need it to set up another joke. Plus I've been looking for an excuse to give a post the above title, so there 'ya go. Anyway, I saw on MSN yesterday an article on "10 things every single man needs." While I am not really much of a man, I was like, okay -- I'll bite. Let's see if their list is total bullshit or not.

1. A top-notch coffee/espresso maker

Okay, not a bad start. Although I'm not a huge coffee guy, I do like coffee and usually don't turn it down when offered. I've been thinking of getting one for like forever, but I just keep putting it off.

2. A lamp in your bedroom

Alright, I have one of these. Sure, I've had it since I was a kid, but at least it's not some kind of kid's lamp -- just a plain navy blue table lamp. My whole fucking bedroom needs a re-vamp, but I'm way too busy blowing money on my living room to be able to afford the $5K Restoration 'Spensive set that I want.

3. Swiffer Sweeper + Swiffer Cloths + Swiffer Wet Cloths

I'm all over that shit, too.

4. A comfortable couch

Ibid. My yuppie bullshit Pottery Barn square couch with the down blend cushions kicks the ass out of mere mortal couches. And so far one girl who's not BOETP or one of my other female friends from way back (but who I still can't have sex with) liked it, so as always, I know what I'm doing.

5. Nice underwear

Okay, so I agree that some decent underwear is a good thing. But they said that silk boxers are sleazy? FUCK THAT. I don't give a shit if they are; do you know how goddamn comfortable those are? It's like you don't even have them on, but you still don't get any of that unpleasant cock-on-zipper action that would happen if actually freeballing. I mean, seriously, they're so unintrusive that they need to be riding at least halfway up your ass before you even notice. You can't tell me that's not sexy.

6. A key-ring that can fix, cut, and open anything

Although I'm not really what you call much of a tool man, either, this too sounds reasonable.

7. $150+ jeans

Again, the list can go fuck itself. I will never, ever again wear fucking jeans. I let my girlfriend, and my mother, and everyone else I know convince me to get into wearing jeans again about ten years ago (yes, mostly my girlfriend). Yeah, mistake. There's clearly something wrong with me, because I cannot get comfortable in jeans. The fabric is just awful. Maybe I look OK in them; I don't care. It's lame-ass khakis for me until the end of time. If no woman alive can love a man without a pair of jeans, then to hell with it. I die alone. As if that wasn't happening anyway. Unless if they're Three-Legged jeans. Hey, not any dumber than acid wash.

8. $200+ dress shoes

I can get on board with this. I don't really think I need $200 shoes, but it's not like the majority of my purchasing decisions have ever been based on "need."

9. 300-thread-count cotton sheets

I do need new sheets to match my new comforter. No qualms with high thread-count; I just need to fucking remember to do this just like with the coffee maker.

10. The Joy of Cooking

Again, reasonable. I can cook, when I need to. Trouble is, I never need to -- there's nothing more depressing than cooking for one, which I typically am. But learning more shit, or at least having the tools to learn more, certainly couldn't hurt.

Okay, so the list was only 20% bullshit, and I'm only counting underwear because their comment on silk really was nonsense. And apparently, I'm well on my way with four things down, and since I won't do denim, I only need to pick up five things so that I can be alone in my house full of stuff that I quote/unquote need. All of this ignoring the fact that this may, in fact, not be an authoritative list of things that single men need. All I can see that we really need is porn and maybe a good lubricant, but maybe that's part of the reason I'm still single.

But I repeat myself... Twice over.

I don't care if I'm a Republican now, I still can't get on board with this stupid shit.

Michael J. Behe, a biological sciences professor at Lehigh University, told the subcommittee that intelligent design has no religious underpinnings.

Go fuck yourself. Hard. And if you like it rough, then do it harder than you normally like to be fucked. God, I am so sick of this. I'm sick of all of it, but for now, I'll just make special mention of the notion that it's not about creationism. I mean, Jesus, if it wasn't for religion Christians, would any of this (and it almost makes me sick just to type it) intelligent design nonsense be around? No.

Intelligent design can be summed up as follows: "The universe is so vast and complex that we just had to come up with a stupid, simple explanation for it!" I know, I know; sometimes the simplest explanation you can come up with is the right answer. But God isn't the simplest answer. Who put the universe together? No one; that's about as simple as it gets. Yup, pretty simple, until you get into quantum mechanics and astrophysics and stuff like that -- you know, things that require some thought, as opposed to just shoving our heads up our asses and spewing the shit we find back out as, well, gospel.

I like how one Slashfucker recently put things into perspective. To paraphrase... Okay, so say the universe had a designer. So who designed the designer? What? The designer doesn't need a designer of its own? So why does the universe have to have a designer in the first place? Pretty simple; something that anyone should be able to get on board with, even ignorant Christian fucks.

Google search:

12 man fuck

Okay, so this search in and of itself is not very interesting. I'm guessing it was one of the usual fucks looking for child porn. Anyway, it got me to thinking about the movie 12 Angry Men. And I'm like, I'll bet they made that into a porno. The title, at least. 12 Horny Men was the most obvious play on it, and sure enough, there's a gay porno out there that stole my idea before I came up with it. Should you be so inclined, you can go check out Hung Jury: 12 Angry Men. Hung jury... That's funny.

I'll keep telling myself that

Google search:

to fuck a mormon girl

I'm #1, bitches. This totally makes up for not scoring with that girl I wanted back in high school.