Okay, so on suggestion, I'm compiling some of the more recent search engine hits into one big post. The flow feels a little odd since I'm not used to building posts over a week's time like this, but it does have kind of a nice lightning-round style to it. I'll give this a shot for awhile and see how it works. I'll also await feedback from Natalia since she A) made the initial suggestion and B) is about the only one who comments consistently as of late. All that aside, though, this truly is another sampling that shows what a wasteland the internet, and by extension humanity, has become.

worn panties for mom

What, is this what you're planning to get her for next Xmas or something? You are a bad son or daughter. Or your mom is weird.

when a man don't love you anymore

You're assuming he loved you to begin with. And, considering your poor grammar, I can't blame him in either case.

YOU FUCK ME GOOD

Apparently, the new-and-improved MSN search really is new-and-improved.

is imitation crab and pregnancy

Is imitation crab and pregnancy... Is it what?! God fucking damn it, I am tired of this one. Long-timers can think back and remember me getting hits along these lines. Well, lately they're stepping it up, and I still don't know what the bloody connection is they're looking for.

"Rob Testes"

The sheer fact that someone went searching for this is fucking awesome.

fuck me necessary

Fucked into relevance -- nice.

should i leave my man ?

Considering that you're asking MSN this question, I hope your man is the one who leaves you. What is with all these sad sacks asking search engines for relationship advice?

girl fucks a swiffer

Swiffer Wet or Swiffer Dry? I mean beforehand, not after the fact.

do geniuses already know everything

How appropriate that this search was made by someone who, quite clearly, epitomizes the exact opposite of genius.

10 ways to get a girl to suck your dick

Not only does the search being made piss me off, but this is another one of those where the pickiness of their query makes me want to punch them in the face. Why does it have to be ten, you greedy fuck? Shouldn't a few of them be good enough for most situations? This is assuming, of course, that there were some kind of textbook ways to get head to begin with. This is the kind of guy shit I'm sick of, the kind of nonsense that gave rise to and has been reinforced by rubbish like Maxim. By the quality of your search, I can tell that there are only a couple of ways you might be able to get a girl to blow you:

1. Get rich (probably not likely in your case)
2. Save your allowance for a hooker

And just to mix things up, some spam:

Mum teaches her son proper sex

Because nothing says "proper" like incest between parent and child. I could really deal without my spam folder being an episode of Law and Order: Sport Utility Vehicle, thanks. I get enough of that in the chatrooms.

Jay Mohr is right. Granted, he is several years behind the curve in bitching about non-competitive sports for kids, but he says pretty much everything I have to say on the subject. All I would add is that if your kid can't handle losing, either euthanize him or keep him at home and inside for the rest of his life.

I think jokes about the World Wars might be the funniest thing going, as The Onion has shown once again:

Franz Ferdinand Frontman Shot By Gavrilo Princip Bassist

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND--Lead singer and guitarist for pop band Franz Ferdinand, Alexander Kapranos, is in critical condition today after being shot by a man identified as the bassist for rock group Gavrilo Princip. "We ask fans to cooperate with Interpol to find the assailant, and call upon British Sea Power, Snow Patrol, and The Postal Service for help," drummer Paul Thompson told music magazine NME Monday. "The suspect had links to The Decemberists and The Libertines, and we are following up on all leads." It is unclear whether the shooting was linked to The Polyphonic Spree's invasion of Belgium earlier this week.

Anytime you make a reference to British Sea Power, which may be the best band name ever, you are already doing something right.

In this week's issue, they also helped reiterate that sex offender jokes are also hilarious. I think they oughta start selling "Area Pedophile" t-shirts to add to their "Area" t-shirt collection, but somehow I'm guessing that won't be a top-seller.

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