Okay, America -- you can wake up any day now and come to the realization that Team Bush is a shitty leader. This is the second head of the Iraq Survey Group that has come out and basically said "We done fucked up." TB can spin it any way they want but one ugly fact remains: their original premise, plain and simple, was that Saddam possessed WMD which were an imminent threat to the United States, and this premise was DEAD WRONG. Regardless of whether or not they outright lied, it is incontrovertible that what they told us was not true.

I know, I know. They were just working on the intelligence they were given, and the intelligence turned out to be faulty. Well, you know what? That's still your fucking fault, Team Bush. Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz and Doug Feith and Richard Perle and all those other Neocon & Project for a New American Century guys decided long before 9/11 that Saddam needed to be taken out. When they heard the "intelligence" that supported their desired actions, they sure as hell weren't going to bother doing any work to make sure it was solid. They had the "evidence" they needed and the excuse they needed, namely 9/11.

To say it again, they were wrong. Bush has been running around continually saying something to the effect of "The terrorists only need to be right once; we need to be right every single time." Well, by his logic, shouldn't his team be out on its ass since they were wrong on Iraq? After all, these are the fuckers who are supposedly doing such a great job of protecting us. Look, I know that it's ridiculous to expect them to be right 100% of the time, but they're the ones trumpeting that nonsense, not me. I'm just holding them up to the standards that they set. Isn't being able to use people's own words against them neat?

Tucker Carlson, a right-leaning pundit who's not a big fan of how Iraq has gone, was on Real Time this past weekend. He said that this election really does come down to Iraq. If you like the Iraq war, you'll vote for Bush. If not, you won't. I hate boiling down something as big as a Presidential election to just one thing -- it smacks of assholes who vote on a single issue, like which candidate is pro- or anti-gun -- but that is a good way to put it. The Iraq war speaks to so much more than just the war itself. It shows the character of Team Bush as a leader. It shows how far they're willing to go and what they're willing to get us involved in even if there's no real purpose. They're going to do nothing but gamble and spin to get their way, and we'll pay the price for whatever goes wrong -- not them. George Bush talks about what a strong and capable leader he is, but how strong and capable are you if you do nothing but play Russian roulette with American lives and credibility?

Oh, and if we want to keep from oversimplifying, we can always bring in all of the social and economic issues that Team Bush brings to the table, but I'm not in the mood to get into any of that here.

While we're on the subject of politics, the vice presidential debate was last night. I'm gonna go with what Jim Rome says when there's nothing but shitty submissions for the e-mail contest: nobody wins. I missed about the first 15 minutes of it, and I was only listening on the radio. It was pretty ugly in the beginning, and then settled down as things went along. I figured going in that it would be a decent match-up. Unlike Bush, I knew that Dick Cheney went into a debate confident. Probably prepared, too. John Edwards, on the other hand, probably wasn't too worried, either. I don't think anyone knows this, but they guy used to be a trial lawyer, so he's used to sitting down and arguing with people.

One thing ETP was hoping for going into the debate was that Edwards would use some of his lawyering smarts to get Cheney to snap and tell him to go fuck himself or something. I was like, yeah, that'd be great if Edwards could push the right buttons, and then Cheney's host body would split open so that the beast could finally come out. Alas, we didn't get to see any of what we were hoping for. Of course, since I only got the audio, I couldn't have seen it anyway -- but I probably would have read something about it today.

If I had to declare a winner from last night's debate, I would have to go with... The moderator. She was fucking great. Like when she tells Cheney he has 30 or 90 seconds to respond (I can't remember which), and Cheney says "It's going to take more time than that" to which she says -- cool and smooth as shit -- "Well, that's all you've got." I was like, damn.

Okay, that's enough. I'm going to crawl back into my hole of being sick of politics again.

MY EMPIRE IS CRUMBLING!!!!!

Okay, everyone can come back into the room now. Better strap yourselves in and pop yourself a Gleemonex; we're all going to need it.

Yes, the kingdom has fallen. I am no longer living in Audi Arabia. It's been a few days, actually. Ask ETP and BOETP-- I'm kinda depressed. I mean, it is nice having my car back now that it's all fixed up instead of having the driver's side all mashed in and oh who am I kidding.

Where are my six cylinders? Where are my leather seats? Where are my HID (Highly Irritating to Drivers) headlamps? Where are my auto-dimming mirrors (which I didn't even care for)? Where are my foglights? Where is the little "poop!" sound when I lock the doors? Where is my all-wheel drive? Where is my bullshit wood trim? Where's my extra set of doors so that BOETP can get in and out unencumbered? Yes, oh yes, where is my PussyStick? Where is my key? Where the FUCK is my KEY?

Next to the bullshit wood trim -- and quite possibly surpassing it -- the key for this car was the best part. The key and remote were integrated into one unit so that when you pressed a small button on the remote, the key would swing out from the side kinda like a motherfucking switchblade. I couldn't help it, I just felt cool every time I busted the key out. I knew I really wasn't cool, but popping out the key made me feel like I could maybe look like I was smooth and cool some day. That's how powerful it was.

Just the whole damn car had a total bullshit effect on me. Again, ask ETP or BOETP. I was living the life of the yuppie asshole I've simultaneously always hated and always wanted to be. I'd pull up next to another driver in an Audi, look over, and say "What's up, fellow Audi driver?" Of course, it was all an illusion, but you know what? Playing pretend is fun. We don't do enough of that as (pseudo) adults.

Yeah, a lot of the allure was nonsense image. I felt like maybe others might think I was someone. Again, all bullshit. Yeah, people probably thought I was someone, alright. Someone whose parents are rich who bought their shit kid a nice car (keep in mind that I look like I'm 12). And my response to that was, of course, that I earned that car... Or at least I could have earned it.

Other than the ego crap, it was quite a bit of fun to drive, even with the much-maligned PussyStick. I used PussyStick almost exclusively since it was marginally more interesting to drive than a normal automatic. ETP put it best when he said that it's like trying to fuck with a limp dick -- yeah, you're limp, but at least you're fucking.

That goddamn PussyStick presented one of the first big problems in re-adjusting. I'm not proud to say it, but there has been more than one occasion over the past few days where I've moved the gearshift out of "Drive" to try and get back to the feeling of PussyStick. Even though that's basically what PussyStick is (especially with Audi's implementation; not sure what others are like), it's still not the same.

And of course, I just can't go as fucking fast. Not like I was tear-assing all over the place, but I could if I needed to. One of my favorite things was making this turn close to my house that I go through every day. Starting from a standing stop, I'd be at like 35-40 well before I came out of the turn with shit flying around in the car with those four wheels gripping the road. You know, nothing spectacular, but more than my Civic can do.

Ever since I had to give up the Audi, I've driven both my Civic and my mother's Accord. Both cars are decent, with the Accord obviously being the nicer one. Even driving the nicer Accord isn't going to be any fun anymore. I realized what the essence of it was, at least in the power regime: when I hit the gas in any of our Hondas, there's just no sense of urgency in those cars like there was in the Audi. Of course, should you buy something like an A4, you're paying tens of thousands more for that urgency. And, again, not like I need that urgency, but I fucking need it.

That car was with me for way longer than I had thought. Originally, it's like one-and-a-half to two weeks tops, right? That, or, more than a month. Every weekend when we get together, I'd always be enthusiastic to be the one to drive us around since "this is my last weekend with the Audi."

After, I dunno, about 37 last weekends, it turned into nothing more than a month-long cocktease. That was more than just regular ol' loaner car experience. That car and I bonded. God damn it; I re-filled her washer fluid. What we had meant something. And now it's all over.

Taking that car back was anticipatedly painful. Driving down the last stretch of road before pulling into the bodyshop's lot, I'm man enough to admit that I was about to cry. It felt like I was taking my best friend to be shot or something. It sucked is what I'm trying to say.

What sucks even more is this transition back into being a loser who drives a Civic (as opposed to a loser who drives an Audi... that isn't his). The transition isn't going to be hard just for me, but for the few people who are unlucky enough to hang around me. They're pretty much going to have to hear nothing but nonstop crap about my quest for a new car until I A) get a new one or B) realize that it's not going to happen. So, yeah, I'm sorry.

Hey, while we're at it, anyone wanna buy a '98 Civic HX with 90K miles on it? It's in all-around great condition, and the accident was only body damage which has now been fixed.

Yeah, that's all it's been for the past few weeks. Gotta get a new car. Gotta get something nice with that bullshit wood trim I like so much. Which means, of course, that Project 3-Series is in full effect. Now, I don't need a 3-series, but I fucking need it.

Yeah, I could find myself a nicer car. Yeah, I could find one way faster. I could even find something else with that bullshit wood trim. But once I set my sights on something, that's pretty much it. Nothing is going to make me feel like quite the asshole that I'd feel like in a Bimmer. Besides, getting one would be completely hypocritical, and, let's face it -- that's just my style.

My backup is the Acura TSX. I testdrove one a few weeks ago, and yeah, that's a pretty nice car. I know that I'm a huge fucking prick when that's my "backup." I mean, seriously. That car just felt good to drive. It comes loaded with pretty much all the features you could want (as opposed to a 325i, where damn near everything is a fucking option). If I get a red or a black one, I can get the leather interior color that comes along with bullshit wood trim (which means that I'll get a red one since black cars, while fucking slick, are too damn hard to keep looking clean). Since I have an "in" at an Acura dealership, I could get a decent deal on one. But I just know I'm not going to be fully happy with anything less than a 3-series, even if I settle for the 325 as opposed to the 330.

I'm kind of in a crunch, too. The 2005 model year is going to be very short for the 3-series since the '06 is going to be introduced in about six months. I don't think I like the look of the '06 (which you can see a couple of shots of here) as much as the clean look of the current incarnation. So we'll see what happens.

Anyway, yeah, that's a good deal of what's been occupying my mind for the past few weeks. Scheming ways to free up or make cash, coming up with budgets; all that materialistic, money-driven shit. Pretty much the same thing I've done with all 25 years of my life. But oh effing well. Driving that Audi was like being wrapped inside joy, and now all Dr. Soran wants is to get back to the Nexus.

Yeah, it is pretty pathetic for Team Bush to be going after this. But you knew they were going to find something to attack, and if that's the biggest criticism they can muster, then Kerry is in good shape coming out of that first debate. You know, the debate where Kerry totally kicked ass without doing anything really spectacular; it's he was just up against a man who pretty much can't do anything you'd expect out of a president. Anyway, Kerry should have explained himself better in the debate on the "global test" business, but oh well.

"I don't understand 'proving to the world that you did it for legitimate reasons,' " she said.

I've always viewed Condoleeza rice as a token. Sorry, I just can't help it when it comes to the Republicans. Yeah, it's not like the Democrats don't pander to and kiss ass with people who aren't rich white men, but it doesn't come across as hollow when coming from the D side since that is, after all, their base. It's not completely disingenuous to have Blacks and Hispanics and women and whatnot up on stage at the DNC, as opposed to, say, Chaka Khan performing at the RNC.

What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah -- Condi Rice. Yeah, a token. My belief in that never detracted from the corollary belief that she was undoubtedly a smart woman. But if she really doesn't understand what "proving to the world that you did it for legitimate reasons" means, or if she thinks that she can convince people that she doesn't get it, then it looks like she's stupid after all, too.

Note to Markus: you are a stupid fucking piece of shit, and I hope you die in the next big terror attack. The same goes for any other retarded little fuckshits who think they're all smart and clever by saying stupid crap in guestbooks. And hey, if you're going to do it, at least learn to use proper grammar and spell shit properly. You make yourself look worser when you do it that way, and it fills us with nothing but hatriot towards you.

You guys do realize that my website is NOTHING but a bunch of words used as filler to string together repeated uses and variations of the word "fuck," but as yet I still come off as better educated and more articulate than you brain stems.

The only thing that keeps me from banning you cretins and/or deleting your guestbook entries is that, quite frankly, it's highly amusing watching someone else embarrass themselves for a change. Here's a tip, though. If you want to spout off your worthless opinion that no one gives a flying fuck about, do what any decent asshole -- like myself -- does: start a 'blog of your own.