I'm going to start making a list of things I want to see happen this year. Here's the beginning, and knowing me, the end:

Trista and Ryan get divorced
The Crocodile Hunter literally has his ass bitten off by a croc as he watches it eat his newborn son

Coincidentally, Steve-o there also wins this week's "bad parent" award. Yeah, you really need to be taking chances like that with your newborn, you fucking imbecile. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he knows what he's doing, blah blah blah. All that this comes down to is that Steve is a camera whore, because there's no other fucking reason to do that.

Dude, you're in Rush. You're lucky the cops didn't sodomize you with a floor lamp.

Google search of the day:

yuna holy crap what is that between her legs

Is Yuna actually Bjork? Inquiring minds want to know.

Bullshit anti-abortion stance excuse #337 SHOT DOWN

So I'm driving through Kansas today. Yeah, I know. Anyway, they're apparently big on Jesus over there or something. Real smart folk. Anyway, one of the many treats of driving though this foreign land are all these fucking pro-life signs and billboards along the highway. One of them read "abortion destroys one of God's creations."

And all I can think to myself is "So?" Even if I grant you the highly doubtful point that God exists, further granting you the even more dubious idea that it's the lame-ass Xtian God, what difference does it make if babies are his creations and we destroy them through abortion? We destroy so many of "God's" "creations" without giving a second thought to them. So even if any of that God nonsense is true, just because babies are created by him doesn't somehow make them special or different, at least not in any way that fits into the framework of this dumbass statement.

Sorry, move along to your next load of horseshit.

Another one I saw had a picture of a baby's head (real nice thing to see on the side of the highway, you know... a big floating fucking baby head) which read "created in God's image." And I'll tell 'ya, that fucking baby on the sign was created in the image of no one but Gerber. Also, if God looks like a bodyless, smiling, bald headed proto-human, I am not impressed.

Here's a quick travel tip:

If you're thinking about making an 11-hour drive on three hours sleep ALONE, don't do it. Leave it to the professional dumbasses.

You know what, if any sort of ban gets put in place, I'm gonna kill me some fuckin' Haitians.

I have nothing against Haitians, mind you, but something would need to be done. I doubt there's gonna be any sort of ban, but still. I am so fucking sick of debates like this. I've already commented on this once before, so I won't bother repeating myself.

I will add a couple of things. First, this isn't "the marketing of violence to children." Shut the hell up, Daphne, and all those other knee-jerk non-thinking cunts who are just like you. What the fuck is this, anyway? Scooby Doo? These fucking games AREN'T FOR CHILDREN, and to say that they're marketed as such is total bullshit. Even if they're not targeted at kids, yes, I know that you can't shield kids 100% from this stuff. That's where this little thing I like to call "parenting" comes in. God forbid you should ever be faced with the possibility of doing any.

Second, yes, America is a racist society. Welcome to, um, America. We have bigger race issues, you know, real race issues that we should be dealing with before false claims about video games. As soon as GTA: Below the Mason-Dixon Line comes out with its call to "string up all the niggers," then you can get back to me on this issue. Until then, knock it off.

Third and finally, why do we get so bent out of shape over violence in video games, but we don't seem to get as pissed about real violence?

"I just heard that they're gonna ban toy guns... AND THEY'RE GONNA KEEP THE FUCKIN' REAL ONES!!!!"
- George Carlin

Insert your own jokes here.

Yeah, pretty much.

Krugman gets pragmatic on our ass - and he's got the right idea.

This week's Onion is all repeats, but had a "News in Brief" that's a favorite of mine for obvious reasons:

Captain Kirk's Life Flashes Before Dying Trekkie's Eyes
MILFORD, CT—Moments before dying, car-accident victim and hardcore Star Trek fan Glenn Schaefer saw Captain James T. Kirk's life flash before his eyes. "It's all coming back to me," said Schaefer, bleeding profusely and fading from massive head trauma. "The Salt Vampires of M-113, assisting Spock through the Pon Farr, outmaneuvering Khan Singh in the Mutara Nebula, the dilithium mines of Rura Penthe. I'm even seeing portions of the animated series and the Lost Years novels." Before taking his final breath, Schaefer turned to attending medical personnel and said, "It was... fun."

For you people with skills, here's a little conundrum to solve:

How do you hit on a girl in a restaurant when she's probably a decent amount younger than you and out to eat with her family which includes a younger brother with Down Syndrome?

I'm just curious if there's anyone out there who could pull this off. I've always kinda wondered if it's possible to hit on girls with their parents around. I mean, sure, it's possible, but how feasible is it. This wonderment is for purely academic reasons, of course. The Down Syndrome sibling is sheer bonus points.

I would imagine that, if you're smart, you don't even try. Or, if you're me, you're not smart, you're just a coward. Either way allows me to keep her father's fist out of my face and my orange chicken down in my stomach where it belongs.

These are the kind of thoughts that kept me out of all the really good schools. And yes, I have problems.

You know, when Colin Powell speaks, I really want to believe him. And I'm pretty sure I do. He does seem sincere in his desires to make the world a better place. He does seem to want to do it in a manner that won't piss off the rest of the world. He's just gotten caught up with a group that wants to spread American influence, for whatever reason, as quickly as possible and regardless of the costs.

With an editorial like this, especially one coming from someone who speaks as well as Colin Powell, words are chosen carefully. A couple of things that stood out for me:

"... nor is Iraq an incubator for weapons of mass murder that could have fallen into terrorists' hands."

This one stands out pretty plainly. It's not "stockpiles of WMD," but an incubator of WMM. An incubator is a place where something can grow, but is not necessarily growing. Also, WMM are not WMD. Something that brings on mass murder could toxic gas, nuclear weapons, religion, or any number of things. But it is not necessarily nuclear, biological, or chemical weapons that we were preached to about before this war began.

"... a secure and democratic Jewish state in Israel."

It's probably nothing, but I just found it interesting that the word "democraratic" was specifically used.

2004. Yay. Yet another New Year with no New Year's kiss. So, like usual, same shit, different day. Or year.

Happy new year to all, unless of course if you're happily attached. In which case, fuck you.

Yeah, but was there anyone on board who could speak 1337?

Fuck it, where's the box?

"Eventually, the device can be mounted to the toilet, where a push of the button allows it to be used by people."

So, it sounds like less of a toilet seat for cats, and more of a litter box for people. Yet another example as to how cats are training us, as opposed to the other way around. Resistance is futile.

Long consideration? Yeah, no shit it was a "long consideration." How long has this shitstorm been going on?

"... And I can't go beyond that."

You don't need to. Now that Asscroft's second in command is now in charge, I'm sure he'll be totally impartial. Plus, they finally found a "special prosecutor" to their liking.

Oh, and expect the number of posts to drop over the next couple of days since I'm out of town, because we all remeber how well that worked out over Thanksgiving.

And no, I did not already get shitcanned from my job. Mandatory shutdown, bitch. I'm not allowed to work this week.

Wow, it looks like it was a big day here at Fe. Glad I picked today to go out of town.

I knew shit was up when I was A) up at 5:30 AM and not because I'd stayed up all night, and B) we already had over 100 hits. I was like, great, we much have accidentally stumbled upon the secret code phrase indicating "tons of child porn here." As it turns out, we got a hit from this site, which unlike mine is both funny and popular. Thanks for the link, and the momentary boost to my self esteem.

Momentary, until I realize that for most of those people, they came, they saw... and they left. Which is what I'd expect, of course. Hopefully we did pick up a few new readers, and if so, all I can say to them is, what the hell is wrong with you?

Might as well get the newbies started off on the right foot, if there are any.

This story is beyond fucked up. Hey lady, real smart idea. Killing a pregnant woman, and then taking the fetus to the hospital and claiming that it's yours. I'm pretty sure the doctors won't figure that one out. I think that easily qualifies for "worst scam of the year," both in terms of how horrific it is, as well as how fucking stupid an idea it is.

Oh, and I'm just gonna leave alone the fact that the pregnant woman was only twenty-fucking-one.

I just saw that a new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm is starting Jan. 4th. Fuckin' A.

Lighten up, people.

This is nothing more than a bunch of kids trying to be funny. And you know what? I think they succeeded. I mean, c'mon. The Intifada? As a football team? That's good stuff. Oh, and you can't tell me that a Muslim Rangers versus Mujahedin game wouldn't be every bit as epic as a Roughriders/Roughriders matchup.

We should get a group of guys together, call ourselves the American Infidels, and throw down with these guys. You know they'd be up for it. Of course, any team I'm on would get its ass kicked, so we'd have to call the game the September 11th Bowl.

Even if the allegations of being roughed up are true, how the hell would anyone be able to prove it? I'm pretty sure there's no longer any blood running though Jacko's veins, so that removes the possibility of bruises or blood on someone's clothes. Shit, even if they broke every bone in his body, leaving him horribly deformed and disfigured, how would we tell the difference?

"And I didn't sleep in the bed with the child. Even if I did, it's OK."

Yeah, that helps your case.

They "locked him in a feces-smeared restroom for about 45 minutes"? I wouldn't be surprised if Michael is used to that. They just wanted you to feel comfortable, Michael. Cut them some fucking slack, will 'ya? Oh, and quit making shit up while you're at it.

I'm going to try and make this my last comment on the whole affair, unless of course if something funny comes up. Michael, please just go to jail. Even if you're not guilty of (cough) child molestation, you're guilty of CREEPING US THE FUCK OUT, and I want it stopped.

Like I said, there were more linkers out there than I could track down in a quick search last night. Here's another one for 'ya:

Martin Rants and Raves

Yahoo search:

ass exam, rectally

To be honest with you, I've always preferred my ass exams to be performed orally, because I'm that kind of girl.

Here's a site with some amusing apparel for gamers.

Safire makes a good point.

Yeah, I said it.

Just because Dean does opportunistic shit like this doesn't mean his supporters have to think he's Cheney, though. But yeah, it is hypocritical to criticize Cheney and not Dean for keeping secrets. They all keep secrets; it just comes down to whether or not you think those secrets are hiding anything dirty.

Okay, here's a new one:

real woman for yuna of final fantasy x-2 sex

Okay, my best guess is that this guy is looking for women to dress up as Yuna from FF: The Adventures of Yuna in North America so that he can proceed to have sex with them. A laudable goal, I suppose. But if you're doing Yahoo searches for it, that's just sad. This coming from me.

Also, the qualifier "real" in that search is just too fucking funny.

Speaking of Yuna cosplayers, why the hell can't women like this show up at our con? You know what? Fuck the con, why can't women like this just show up in my life? I mean, anyone working on Yuna's wedding dress for her own wedding is seriously contending for "bigger dork than me" honors. Couple that with being hot, and that's just fucking neat. Although, for the record, I am no one's Tidus, because that guy's a fucking pussy. This coming from me.

Dear Japan,

We think your bikini models and porn actresses have such nice teeth!

Signed,
British People

P.S. - Send Pocky

Before we get to why I'm sounding like a racist asshole this morning by insulting not one but two groups of people, five bucks goes to anyone who can catch BOTH of the references made above. And no, I'm not really giving out five dollars. I'm just trying to make you feel better for being able to figure out what's going on in my fucked up head.

Before we go on, be weary of the links in this post if you're at work or something. You know the drill.

Okay, here's one thing I've noticed: I could go back to school, study orthodontistry, and head over to Japan to practice and make a killing. There have been a disproportionate number of Japanese girls I've downloaded not just with imperfect teeth, but just plain fucked up teeth.

Take for instance Hagiwara Mai. Despite those buck teeth, she's quite popular, and with good reason - she's fucking hot. Those teeth actually become endearing after awhile. It's a shame that she has "retired" from modeling and porn.

Despite the asshole tone taken here, this isn't really a complaint, just an interesting observation. It's interesting since I come from the United States, and, more generally, Western society, where our models aren't born - they're manufactured. They're starved, surgically altered, and airbrushed into perfection. Despite all the effort, many of them still end up looking ugly. We are just that fucking stupid.

It's nice to see some sort of realm where what we would probably perceive as "imperfections" aren't frowned upon and buried like they would be over here. Not just teeth, either. Other things, like weight. Remember when Alicia Silverstone got "fat"? Or how Kate Winslett was supposed to be some huge tub? What the fuck was that all about? They looked nice to me, and I'm no chubby chaser. Or how about small breasts, which I see prevalent with Asian women. That's not so prevalent here (when it comes to the women who are marketed, I mean), since somehow, bigger is better for us. Look, I understand having different tastes and all, but it's some kind of fixation over here. I don't get this, and it pisses me off, because I'm a big fan of smaller breasts. Not to mention women who will eat food if I take them out to dinner.

Anyway, all this tit talk is fodder for an entire post of its own, and I'm getting hungry.

Still though, despite liking the somewhat more open mentality (in some regards, at least) I can't help but wonder how Mai never looked into getting those choppers fixed with all the money she must have made. No sense, I guess, when it kinda becomes a trademark. And, like I said, since it doesn't detract from her being hot.

Finally, for you guys who now find yourselves desiring more pics of Mai-chii, I won't leave you hanging. Here's ten pages worth of pics to keep you busy. Yes, she's legal.

Alright, so I have been awfully fucking lazy when it comes to other 'blogs. Both reading and commenting at them, in addition to linking them. There are a handful of great 'blogs that I have fallen out of the habit of reading on a day-to-day basis. There are other 'blogs, like Matt's, which I haven't gotten into a groove with reading, even though I really want to (if for no other reason than to flood his bitch ass with comments... oh, and because he's an interesting guy).

I'll spare you the excuses, like moving and compulsive porn downloading. Even though those sound suspiciously like excuses.

There are some 'blogs I check daily, those of my personal friends. I always make sure to check those out in order to maintain this new virtual social life. And how do those fuckers repay me? By never updating, god damn it.

Oh, yeah, I suppose I check Galvin's Japan Files somewhat regularly, but we all know that's because Galvin pays me. And ADULT LINK WARNING Kimochi ii?, but that's because browsing that 'blog only requires one hand.

Oh, and as I mentioned, there are new linkers showing up from time to time who I've yet to link back. Here are the ones I can get off of Technorati or a quick scan of my referral log. In continuing this lazy theme, I offer links with no attempts at witty comments, because there are way too many and that is just too much pressure (and Tweek can't handle it!):

Me, For Sale
Cyn City
Trannyboi seeking the home promised in lore
This will change
Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Your Boyfriend
god's performance art
Waiting for the Mothership

I'm sure there are others that Technorati doesn't flag or aren't showing up in the logs right now, and I'll get to them in typical BLM fashion, which is "eventually".

As always, thanks to linkers new and old. The support, while not fully understood, is much appreciated.

Yeah, I know - I'm a lazy worthless asshole, and I suck. Really, being that way is one of the only things I've ever been good at.

We tend to frown upon militaristic nations. Pre-WWII Japan is one country we tag as such. So it's kind of a shock to hear your own country referred to as being militaristic. It's a shock not because it's outrageous and unfounded, but because there is a lot of merit to the claim.

Also, am I the only one pissed at Time for making the American soldier "Person of the Year"? No, it's not because I'm knocking the troops - regardless of how I feel about the Iraq war, even I have to hand it to people who are volunteering to do that stuff. No, I'm pissed just because I see it as nothing but pandering, and I am especially fucking tired of people pandering to the troops. "I support our troops!" We ALL support our troops, you fucking dumbasses, even if we don't support their mission. Yes, that sounds like dissonance, but it isn't. Anyway, you're not special just because you support the troops, so shut the fuck up already.

Time is really making a hobby out of pandering. This became evident two years ago when they named Rudy Giuliani "Person of the Year." Sorry, but as was pointed out by others, Osama bin Laden was the person of the year in 2001.

If you think giving that award to a terrorist is an insane idea, keep in mind that Hitler and Stalin were both awarded Time's "Man of the Year" back in their day. Time was merely acknowledging that these men had a bigger impact on world events than anyone else - they weren't signing on as members of the SS or turning into card-carrying pinkos. Acknowledging that someone shaped the face of that year unlike all others isn't necessarily celebrating what that person has done, it's just acknowledging the truth of the matter. I thought that was the point of the award, and not to kiss ass with America and show simple-minded Americans what they want to see.

Like it needs to be said, and like it hasn't been said before: fuck our media.

Once again, Blair gets all the grief while Bush gets all of the gravy. Okay, not all the gravy, but a lot more than Tony.

Yeah, but they forgot to mention all the dirty stuff. I just can't imagine how things like school uniform fetishes, bukkake, leg fetishes, and lolicon didn't make it into a Washington Post article.

While we're on the subject of Japanese pop culture, I came across something kind of amusing over at income rapers Jlist. I was looking at a listing for a book entitled Encyclopedia of High School Girl Uniforms 2004. Yes, of course I bought it, that's not what I'm here to talk about. In the description for said book, they claim that it's "perfect for those... who want to revel in this cute side of Japanese culture."

Cute? I don't think so. Yes, I'm a bigger uniform fetishist than the next guy, but I'm willing to call it what it is - creepy.

It takes a Village

I realized a couple of days ago that my life has degenerated into a continual search for "cute." Cute girls, cute anime, cute toys, and even cute things to decorate my apartment with. Well, this weekend's mission was to work on that last one - cute decorations.

For several years now, I've been wanting to go out after Christmas an buy a bunch of those porcelain houses and shit to make a Christmas village. Every year though, I either was cheap, lazy, forgetful, or a combination. But not this year. I got my shit together. Yeah, kinda goofy to be buying Christmas decorations after Christmas, but that's when stuff is on sale. And yeah, it's even goofier for a 24-year-old guy to be getting all giddy over little houses, but I was. I don't know why I have this fetish for miniature things. It sorta stems from my desire to collect toys; those are just smaller versions of the things I watch on TV and in cartoons. Still, the overall need for small things isn't really explained, but I'm sure it's just some kind of complex arising from my being somewhat of a miniature person.

Psychology session aside, I went a little overboard these past few days and ended up getting 18 different buildings from Mervyn's and The Artist Formerly Known as Jo-Anne Fabrics. Mervyn's has X-Mas stuff at 50% off - not stellar, but not bad. I probably could have waited until things hit 75% off, but I didn't want to run the risk of some of the pieces selling out. Jo-Anne, on the other hand, is already having a 70% off sale. Suddenly $30 pieces are 9 bucks. Fucking sweet. And they have a bunch of cool buildings, too. I ended up making two trips there and bringing home about two cartloads. I couldn't help myself. All this ultra-cute stuff at low, low prices. Some would say I'd have been stupid to pass that up.

Anyway, the new issue is what the hell to do with all this stuff. I've got three whole setups which are occupying my dining room table, a coffee table, and two end tables. We have the 'hood, which consists of five houses; downtown, with two churches, two lighthouses, and some shops; and finally the countryside, with another lighthouse, another church, a farm, and the motherfucking winery. Hell yeah.

Some of you may be confused by that list of buildings. Three churches? From the kid who says "fuck Jesus" and wants to destroy organized religion? Yeah, I know. It is an historic irony that despite hating what church stands for, I fucking love church architecture. I've gotta hand it to the Christ fuckers on this one; lots of times when they build a house of worship, they BUILD a house of worship. "No sense fucking around" is their motto with all that stained glass and all those huge spires, apparently.

The church situation did present one issue. I was planning on putting one in each of the three different displays, but the 'hood was already filling up my coffee table with those five houses. Since I was planning on dividing the town in half with a river since I got this cool little bridge, I got an idea: put one church on each side of town. This way, we can play America's favorite game: Catholics versus Protestants. The Catholics own one side of town, the Protestants the other. And whoever controls that bridge controls... Access to the other side of town.

On the surface, three churches and three lighthouses might seem like overkill, but it isn't. With all the bad-ass lighthouses Jo-Anne's had, I'm lucky I didn't come away with more of them.

Since I didn't buy any little people for my town (save the ones that came attached to buildings), I'm thinking of kicking it Chobits school and calling my village The Town with no People.

Yahoo search:

slutty crowd disneyland

Do... Do I need to plan a trip to the Magic Kingdom?

One of my all-time favorites from The Onion's "News in Brief":

Senator Mix-A-Lot Sponsors Titties-On-Glass Legislation
WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to stem a four-year decline in freaky Yolandas throwing they titties on U.S. glass, U.S. Sen. Mix-A-Lot (B-WA) introduced sweeping new putting-'em-on-glass legislation Tuesday. "Now listen up, Uncle Sam / I wanna see soul sistas pressin' that ham / Make me say damn / I wanna rear-end 'em / So I'm callin' a Senate referendum / Bounce by the ounce don't make no fun / I'll take 'em by the ton, son," Mix-A-Lot said. "Don't hand this bill down to no committees / 'Cause Mix don't wait on monster titties / Note to my colleague Tom Daschle / That if the babies be gettin' bashful / No melons droppin' on my windshield / So get them nudie laws repealed." Mix-A-Lot then gave props to the authors of H.R. 1610, from which several key clauses were sampled.