You never saw this shit on Fox

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You want Freedom Fuckhead Fries with that?

This... This is just fucking retarded. If you have nothing better to do with your time and money, please, buy a case and shove it in your fucking EYE. You're not smart, you're not clever, you're not making some kind of huge impact or bold statement. Even if some of the profits go to a scholarship fund, it's still stupid. Just send them your money and cut out the middleman if you want that tax break.

A bunch of people say Israel is up to ill shit, they ignore what's being said, we follow along, nothing new.

I'll bet Karl Rove built a time machine and went back to 1997 to do this.

Why would you bother continually acquiring kids if you were just going to abuse them? Once it gets to the point where you're putting kids in cages, why not just just call it quits? The only reason I can see is that you're some kind of sick fuck who gets off on that. But still, even if you enjoy abusing children (and don't we all), do you really need 18 of them?

Yeah, the CIA fucked up. We knew that. Nice to see looking into Team Bush's activities has been put off. That's a shocker.

George Michael still has fans? Shit, George Michael is still alive?

This might kill some time for 'ya, if you're as lame and/or bored as me: live weather cams. I could give a shit about Pittsburgh or Clear Lake, and the Vegas one is at the Hard Rock for some stupid reason, but I fucked around with the Chicago one. It made me kinda sad, though, since I'm here and not there. The fact that Pittsburgh is a choice reminds me of one of my all-time favorite jokes:

Therapy patient: "Doc, I'm totally distraught. Earlier this week I was buying an airline ticket to Pittsburgh, and the woman at the counter had these gorgeous breasts. When she asked where I was flying to, I said 'I need one ticket to Tittsburgh.' What the hell is wrong with me?"

Therapist: "Oh, that's nothing to worry about - it's called a Freudian Slip. Just thoughts in your head that inadvertently end up coming out. It happens to all of us. Like for example, my wife and I were having dinner last night, and I meant to say 'Please pass the salt,' but ended up saying 'You're ruining my life you fat bitch.'"

Holy war within the Republican party? Sounds fine by me -- if it would do any good.

Whatever plans Team Bush has for the aftermath of the next big disaster, it's probably not good.

Michael Moriarty is back to go hunt his whale.

A steady stream of maybe-maybe-not bullshit continues to flow from the Department of Fatherland Security.

Bush has the right idea. Or, more likely, his advisors have once again given him the right idea: if you're going to try and win a state you lost last election by five percentage points, take your hot daughter along on campaign stops and make sure that her cleavage is on full display. I mean, Jesus Christ; the neckline on that getup is damn near down to her knees. Which looks to be where her breasts are headed. I don't know if it's just the picture or just because, well, I haven't had a live showing in quite some time, but something looks disproportionate there.

Hey, have I mentioned that I'll even vote for Bush if I can have sex with one or both of his daughters? I should probably set my terms at both, though. Get that whole twins thing going in addition to nailing the offspring of the enemy. As Dick Cheney likes to say, gotta stick to principles. Even when you have no principles.

Look, Kerry is going to lose anyway...

Nice guy. What a fucked up little story this is.

I like the California Assemblyman, Mervyn Dymally, getting all pissed until he finds out the girl is white. Look, I understand how things are in many ways made worse if this situation is a rich white man insulting a little black girl. But is it not still really fucking awful when it's any adult saying something like this to a child?

Just don't do shit like this. And if you, do, do it in private, for chrissakes. You shouldn't make fun of kids like that, not to their faces. Do what I do and talk about them behind their backs, like a real man. Unless, of course, if the kid really, really deserves it.

Okay, back to being serious, if only for a minute.

"I'm wondering if maybe he had the flu or a cold and was taking some medication or something that affected him, because this doesn't make sense."

What? Do any of you out there ever get fucked up on cold medication, go out to read to some children, and then end up making fun of said children? I'm thinking maybe there is something wrong with this guy, and it's not Tylenol Cold & Sinus.

"Why should a man who has a lifetime of doing charitable work for children resign over one unfortunate remark that he quickly apologized for?"

I don't know whether or not the guy should resign, although you've gotta question if someone who snaps like this should be in charge of kids in any way. But why do we always act like an "apology" magically fixes everything? Yeah, maybe the guy really did feel bad for what he did, or maybe -- just maybe -- he was apologizing because he HAD to. We are all about the token apology and pretending that it washes everything away. Fuck that; motive matters.

Finally, you know what "Isis" really means? It means best fucking restaurant ever. If you're ever in Vegas and have the urge to splurge on a good meal, hit Isis over at Luxor. A friend of mine and I managed to win a decent amount of money playing craps on one trip, so we decided to put some of that money to good use. It was well worth it. I would just live in that meal for the rest of my life if I could.

Okay, I was going through the Fe archives, curious for some stupid reason as to what I was up to this time last year. While doing so, I came upon this post. Be sure and follow the advice to go to the Chinkichi page. The fucked up thing is, that's pretty tame when it comes to the Japanese. Nobody sees the things I see.

And yup, right now I'm not bothering to come up with new content or find new articles, and instead I'm just linking sampling from myself. Considering the twenty-three hundred-some odd posts I've put out there, I could probably get away with doing this for weeks and no one (save maybe ETP) would know the difference.

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It's about fucking time. Yeah, Kenny Boy, maybe you are innocent. But if you are, then that makes you the dumbest fucking chairman and CEO ever for having no clue as to all the evil, crooked shit going on in your own company.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just surprised they didn't raise the bullshit alert level to distract people from the excitement (or whatever you want to call it) over Kerry's naming Edwards as his running mate.

Maureen Dowd on the addition of John Edwards to the Democratic ticket.

Well, I suppose it's nice that someone is at least trying to combat this shit. But, you know, it would have been nice if you assholes had tried stopping some of this shit before rubber-stamping the USA-PATRIOT act without question.

When it comes to this bookstore and library records provision, the first thing Asscroft or one of his cronies always brings up is that it's been invoked zero times. That may or may not be true, but it's wholly irrelevant. The fact of the matter is that they have the capability to do this kind of shit, and that's the fucked up part. It's kinda like the old saying on being paranoid; you only have to be right once to make it all worthwhile. Well, they only have to invoke this power once to make all the criticisms that much more valid. Saying that it's never been used, of course, is intended to imply that it's not a big deal and that it might never be used. Well, if it's not a big deal, then why are you cocksuckers so insistent upon keeping it?

The orders are issued by a special court that handles foreign surveillance intelligence cases, and are easier to obtain than search warrants or subpoenas.

The special court they're talking about, I believe, is the court system set up by the Foreign Intelligence Service Act, which rarely - if ever - gets any mention. An overview of FISA can be found here ("Overview" section just past the "News" section; also includes a rundown of how the PATRIOT Act amended FISA).

A lot of this would be unsurprising if true. After all, there have been plenty of people expecting for some of the so-called high-value targets to be found at a convenient time for the administration. Also, it just makes sense that they would step things up as we get closer to the election - these fuckers want to keep their jobs, and they know that something like Osama magically turning up would all but seal that victory.

The most disturbing thing brought about by this article is the notion of timing. Yup, it would most certainly be fucked up if deadlines like late July were being set for political purposes. And yeah, it would be really fucked up if we had been kind of coasting since 9/11 on purpose, only stepping things up when the election is at stake.

Overall, if true, this is positively infuriating. If true; it's extra hard to sort things out when you've got nothing but anonymous sources. People like me, of course, want to believe this kind of stuff because it re-enforces our already existing beliefs. If nothing else, though, it's not out of the realm of possibility. No one is a better opportunist than Team Bush, keeping this from being mere left-wing conspiracy theory.

No, that's not punk. Also: Ministry is still around?

"You could say we're anti-anti-establishment."

Making you... Establishment. Oh, wait, I know what it all is -- pretentious bullshit.

I wonder what Kevin Smith has to say about all of this. I just hope they don't screw the show up somehow. Play "Freebird" and make it sound like it does on the album.

"It was moved around and put on Thursday night against `Friends,' a difficult time period in which it never grew. But we loved the show's irreverence. I thought it was wild. It's very in-your-face humor. Very bold."

Liar. If you thought the show was so great and had so much potential, you would have worked to put it in a better, consistent time slot. You canned the show and then you realized that you done fucked up when it turned out that the show was wildly popular. Whatever; just so long as it's back and doesn't suck. Also, let's hope that American Dad doesn't turn out to be Seth MacFarlane's That's My Bush!.

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Why can't people just fucking use logic? I mean, think about it. If jerking off made your dick bigger, every guy out there would be Tom Jones. There'd no longer be any more of what Carlin calls "Dick Fear." There's no need for any of this stupid bullshit, anyway. Having an unimpressive member isn't the end of the world. I should know.

The Archdiocese of Portland is filing for bankruptcy to stave off future pedophile priest cases against them. Pretty neat deal for them which, of course, they're doing for the sake of victims whose cases have already finished.

Yeah, suing and getting paid isn't what this is about, or at least it shouldn't be. And yeah, suing and getting some kind of compensation doesn't change anything or make anything better, but I think that if you get molested and have your life ruined like that, some kind of compensation is the least they can do for you. Furthermore, it hits the church where it counts - their wallets. Fuck them for letting this to go on, I dunno, forever.

"We have worked diligently to settle claims of clergy misconduct."

Misconduct. Passing notes in class or pulling out your dick on the merry-go-round are misconduct. This, on the other hand, is child molestation. Not just a bunch of in-poor-taste jokes about child molestation, mind you, but actual child molestation.

Man, I am all for suing the living shit out of the Church until it's bankrupt, except that it'd be nice if it didn't have to be done after thousands of kids had their lives fucked up after being molested. Can't we just sue the Church for, well, being the Church? You know, one of the biggest groups of cocksuckers ever? No pun intended on "cocksuckers." Okay, maybe a little.

I swear to fucking Christ, one of these days I'm going to put Jesus himself on trial for crimes against humanity. How many people have killed or been killed in his name? Yeah.

I can't wait to put God on the stand. I think it'll go a little something like this:

Prosecuting attorney (pointing to the defendant, Jesus): "God, is this man your son?"
God: "Nope."

Some random commentary from people who -- like myself -- don't know shit about shit. Some pretty laughable stuff - from both the left and the right. Some good to laugh with, some good to laugh at. It can pretty much be summed up as follows:

The right: Inexperienced!
The left: Charismatic!
Twisp: Insubstantial!

Yeah, we'll see. Lack of experience has been known to not hurt a candidate (Bush; and don't give me any of that yank-yank-squirt-squirt Texas governor bullshit), and charisma has been known to help (Clinton). In the end, I think that the guy who said "Now Kerry doesn't have to lose the election all alone" put it best.

Latest quote I found at the bottom of Slashdot's front page:

Your good nature will bring you unbounded happiness.

Yeah, that explans a lot. Also, someone remind me why I can't find myself a girlfriend.

Playboy is getting women who work at Home Depot to take it off. All I really have to say to that is, okay. Enron, Wal-Mart, Starbucks, and now the HD. It's gettin' kinda fucking old. The Wal-Mart one was funny for about six seconds when Playboy people were running around talking about how they were inviting the women of Wal-Mart to "rollback their clothes." It was also funny how it pissed Wal-Mart off, a response which I find unsurprising and utterly retarded. If a company I owned had a bunch of its employees posing for Playboy, I wouldn't be pissed. I'd be, like, "Fuck, we have women here who Playboy wants to get naked? Where the fuck have I been?" The answer being, of course, that I was in my office all the time avoiding contact with everyone.

I seem to remember that the Wal-Mart pictorial wasn't all that stellar once you got past the minor amusement factor. For some of them it was like, yeah, she's hot... For a Wal-Mart employee. That's not really saying a whole lot. Kinda on par with saying, yeah, she's smart... For a girl.

You see this kind of shit all the time, and it never gets any less disgusting. I can't imagine why the rest of the world hates us, what with people starving all over the planet and us stuffing ourselves with crap just because we can. And yes, I say "us" because this kind of shit is distinctly American despite the fact that the top two finishers were Japanese. The "winners" being a curiosity in and of themselves, though, seeing as how Japan isn't exactly known for being a nation of huge fatasses (unlike other places I could mention).

"I think he has proven, once again, that he is one of the finest athletes of any sport in the world."

I sincerely hope that this was a statement made in jest, but I wouldn't be surprised either way.

After a long weekend (for some of us, at least), I think we all need a dose of Krugman positivity.

Well, at least we finally have someone good-looking in the race. I'm sure glad that's over with. Let the slander of John Edwards begin. I've already heard the L-word (liberal) plenty of times, so it should be fun.

So after, I dunno, probably years and years of bullshitting - and, of course, constantly being berated by myself and others - BOETP has started up a 'blog of her own: Pretension Central. Based on the initial content, this 'blog should be good times. That intro alone makes me look pretty personable, and I suddenly feel as if I'm slacking somehow. I think Smoove B put it best when he simply said... Damn.

When I first heard about this, I was like, ETP and BOETP could clean up at this competition. But them I'm like, yeah, they'd win easily, but their beer prize would be nil since BOETP weighs approximately nothing. At least they'd have a new sauna, though.

The thing I hate most about the American political arena is that, in the end, everyone sucks. Everyone is owned by someone, everyone answers to someone else, everyone has someone else they back down to. Even John McCain. Look, I can understand why McCain might not join a ticket with John Kerry. McCain is, after all, still a Republican. A Republican with plenty of views that are in stark contrast to what one would consider D values.

But does John McCain really need to be kissing Bush's ass? If anyone has an excuse to hate Bush, it's McCain. Yeah, lots of people have lots of good reasons to hate Bush, but McCain is right up there. After all the shit Team Bush did to slander McCain in the 2000 primaries, McCain could pretty much tell Bush to fuck off whenever he asks for some kind of favor and everyone would be like "Yeah, that's about right."

Of course, McCain isn't going to go Dick Cheney on Bush, but still. Can't he at least politely bow out when someone suggests he go out and stump for Bush?

Okay, maybe I'm being a little hard on McCain here. After all, TB knows how to put fucking pressure on people. Maybe getting McCain to campaign for Bush is more of a credit to TB's powers of persuasion than a statement of McCain's pussitude. Even if he is a pussy when it comes to Bush, he's still much less of a pussy than everyone else when it comes to other stuff.

Speaking of McCain, Ted Rall had a good column a couple of weeks back as to just how stupid Democrats (and just people on the left in general, I'd say - myself included) have been with the excitement over getting McCain to run with Kerry. That's how bad it's gotten, though. The left is so fucking weak that we're actually looking to the other side for help. It always comes down to the fact that, yeah, McCain is definitely a Republican, but at least he's not Bush. And even if he backs down to Bush, he still has way more balls than, well, nearly anyone. Definitely more balls than anyone in the Democratic party. Okay, it's at least a contest when you bring Hillary into the picture, but that's about it.

ETP has a theory that dingos are sentient. Why sentient? Well, because, apparently, they are the only animal besides humans who sometimes kill just for fun. I buy it -- that's Spock-solid logic right there.

So it is (or was) Fourth of July weekend. Whoopee shit. The spoiled child has a birthday. We all know how much everyone likes being witness to that. I really didn't give a shit, though, but at least today's my day off, dooode!

I nearly got roped into watching a bullshit pretentious French film this weekend called Irreversible. It contains a nine-minute anal rape scene. Yeah, happy.

Fortunately, I was saved from this movie by another film, Sex is Zero. This movie was also total bullshit, but it was designed as such and turned out to be rather amusing. I'm not going to do any sort of in-depth review of either movie, however, since ETP has already done a much better review than I could have put together.

Oh, I will add this about Irreversible: hey, look, I don't know how to hold the camera properly! I'm cool French filmmaker guy!

As a side note, this once again brings to light why the Iraq war anti-French thing pisses me off. We already had plenty of reasons to hate and ridicule the French, and now I feel like I can't do any of that shit without looking like I'm just following the bullshit Freedom Fries bandwagon. Not that it'll stop me, but it still pisses me off. You already know I hate everyone, but it's all wasted if you don't know why I hate.

Oh, and I will add this to the discussion of Sex is Zero: the lead actress, Ha Ji-Won, is just unnecessarily hot. Yes, I've been out looking for pictures. The only decent gallery I've found has been on this site. A Google image search also turns up a handful of pics, but not a whole lot.