When I see a headline about a panty thief, it should really turn out to be more interesting. I don't expect it to end up like that one episode of Full Metal Panic!, but that'd be extra sweet if it did.

I know it's supposed to be touching and all, but I am sick of this story, and I have been since I first heard about it months back. What, we're gonna kill countless others in Iraq and elsewhere, but oooh, look, we're saving one whole child! Fucking pricks. I'm sure the people directly involved with this do have emotional involvement with this baby's plight, but outside of that, it's just PR.

I've always found it disgusting to announce good deeds you've done, because that kills any remaining notion of altruism. Not that I really believe in altruism to begin with, except maybe in some rare circumstances. I'm sorry, but there's always something in it for you when you do a good deed, and unless if you have no time to think about it, you know it. And there's nothing wrong with that; just deal with it and get over yourself. But if you do do something nice, like with this baby, and then have to make a big, public deal over it, then it's degenerated into self-aggrandizement. In the end, the results are (hopefully) good and as such it was a worthwhile endeavor, but you're still a dick.

Natalia from Indiscretions just had an opinion piece on religion published over at the site Muslim Wakeup!. My readership here isn't exactly vast, but I'm still gonna do my part to spread the good word.

I received a highly amusing insult from someone calling themselves "Lia" in the guestbook today:

If brains were cotton wool you wouldn't have enough to make a tampon for a canary

That one's new to me, and I like it. I also was not aware that canaries had the kind of lady problems that warranted the use of things such as tampons. Yes, this one's already up in the "Praise" section on the sidebar.

Another amusing thing is that Lia rated my site a "6". Now, maybe with her (I'm guessing it's a her and not a he) system, 1 is the best, and 10 is the worst. But that still makes me a kinda middle-of-the-pack, "C" student type of blogger in her book. I wonder what kind of a site gets the lowest rating in her eyes. If this is any indication as to how critical she is of the rest of the world, we just might be able to get along.

I don't listen to people who look like they're dying of AIDS

Well, if Michael Chertoff says that bird flu could be here in a few months, then it's probably already here. Even if it is, I'm not all that worried. SARS! We're all going to die of SARS! Remember that nonsense? I bought into it for awhile and of course later realized I was dumb, but not this time. Fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice, god, what am I, a fucking idiot?

Chertoff attempted to reassure the public by saying the federal government has experience in dealing with such outbreaks.

It does? You do realize that Outbreak was just a movie, right?

"I can't predict, but I certainly have to say that we should be prepared for the possibility that at some point in the next few months..."

Predict, possibly...

And health experts fear that the flu strain could mutate, making it more easily transferable to humans. Such a mutation could result in a pandemic.

Could, could...

U.S. farming practices might help prevent an outbreak if an infected wild fowl enters the country, he said.

Might...

"... but there would be a reasonable possibility of a domestic fowl outbreak."

Reasonable possibility... BULLSHIT! Jesus Christ. The whole bird flu nonsense has been nothing but speculation. Endless speculation just to keep us scared since the terrorists aren't up to anything new and to distract us from all the other shit the government is up to.

Before I move on, I love the graphic that CNN has for bird flu:





That's hilarious, because that bird looks serious about giving you the flu.

H5N1 is a strain of the avian influenza virus that has killed at least 95 people since 2003.

Come on. Not including this year, that's 95 people over three years. Just over 30 a year. Ooooh, scary! At those rates there are plenty of other things you should be more worried about killing you. The dose of radiation you're receiving from your computer monitor in reading this post is probably as statistically likely to kill you as bird flu.

Yes, I know, the mortality rate for those who contract bird flu is not good, but at this point, it's not easy to catch. Yes, I know, it could mutate, but that hasn't happened yet. So just get back to me when this is actually something to be concerned about. And for all we know it won't turn into anything, and several years down the road, bird flu will just be a "woulda, coulda, and considering the state of humanity probably shoulda" footnote in useless history.

"Chuck Norris has AIDS."
- The Urban Legend

Google search:

is freeballing bad for you

Yes. If you freeball too much your nuts will rot off. The boys require at least two protective layers when you are out and about, except in special cases like swimming where the water can slow down the crotch rot action.

If you can't see the potential issues with going commando, and furthermore you need to seek advice from the apparently almighty Google, living is bad for you, and you should consider stopping that.

2

1

As if John Christopher, ERRRRR, Yanni, couldn't suck any harder. Allegedly. If this is true, I think Zamfir, master of the pan flute, should come over and kick his ass.

You can take the last line at least three different ways, and I'm pretty proud of that

Yahoo search:

cash will fuck my mother's ass

How does cash fuck anyone in the ass, nonethless your mother's, specifically? Or are you talking about Johnny cash coming back from the dead for a little butt sex with your mom? Cash is so hard that I could buy that.

Not the post you'd expect from me when a teen's legs are involved

Everyone knows that I'm a bad person. As you will see in a moment, that title is proof enough. Many of you, in fact, may be bad people in one way or another. But we all look great on a relative scale, because there are people who do shit like this running around out there. I immediately want to say something stupid like "I can't fathom why you'd do this," but of course, the answer is simple: you are a sick fucking retard. I may sit here on my high horse, making my jokes and leaving myself zero credibility to criticize, but screw that. The principle of what I'm saying still stands. Just like the founding fathers with the Constitution, where they espoused belief in equality but were white male, slave-holding landowners who rigged things so their group was above all others. Just because they were hypocrites doesn't mean the ideas aren't solid.

They'd better catch this jackoff. I'm not too hopeful, though, considering they did it once before and got away with it. And I could swear that the first theft and the unceremonious return went down a long time ago because I remember hearing this on Jim Rome, but whatever. Anyway, if they do catch them, they oughta be killed. But hell, they did it twice. Well, assuming it's the same person or persons responsible this time around. But if that's the case, I think that it deserves a harsher punishment, but what? Shit, I'm not sure. Maybe send 'em up to Quentin on a kiddy raper beef and be done with it. Bud White would approve, and you should, too.

For shit like this though, why not? Rome would say "there's a special place in Hell for people like this," but of course, I don't believe in Hell so we're gonna have to come up with something on our own. I don't care how sane and rational you think you are, you've gotta be able to get on board with this notion of seemingly harsh punishments for senseless crimes. And that's the biggest issue I have with stuff like this, the senselessness. Even when it comes to things like rape and murder, you can oftentimes come up with a good reason to murder or rape someone (think Ann Coulter; and I'm not necessarily saying you should do it, but I understand). But there's just no point to stuff like this, so we should get rid of you. No one's going to miss you. And it's not like you were gonna go on in life to cure cancer, so fuck it. You're gone.

Alright, nice. Yet another post that'll be thrown back in my face if I ever decide to run for public office.

Ooooooh, BURNNNNNN!!!!!

Google search:

JOKE TO DISS PEOPLE

If you have to make this Google query, just kill yourself. Nevermind the fact that "diss" isn't really common parlance anymore (unless you're Hillary), but I'm guessing that if you need Google so that you can "diss" people, all those people are going to eat you for lunch.