Since figure skating is the topic du jour of the week (yes, I know what du jour means), the related moronic searches roll forward. Another sampling of nonsense that brought people here via Google and Yahoo:

Sasha Cohen Fakes

I get this one a fair amount, and I just cannot understand it. Well, I mean, I can, but I don't want to. I'm guessing these people are looking for fake nude pictures of Sasha. But why? What value is there in seeing someone naked, only not? I know guys are fucking dumb, but aside from religion, this really takes it in the self-deception department. What good can come of faked images of someone you want to see naked but never will? Anyone remember when I gave the world Yuna naked? We all know how well that turned out.

girl is getting her pussy fucked while skating on the ice

Much like Carlin's idea for Rollerfucking, this idea should be made into a sport. It'd be a hell of a lot better than that ridiculous ice dancing shit, which is, again, pairs without all the hard stuff. Fucking on ice would be made even more entertaining when there was some kind of a fall and they guy gets his dick chopped off with the blade of a skate. Would that be a mandatory deduction under the new scoring system? I actually think it should get extra points for degree of difficulty.

who's prettier, sasha cohen or michelle kwan?

Okay, we all know where I come out on this one. Michelle Kwan is pumpable, but she's not Sasha, and neither is anyone else. But I really can't fathom why you're trying to have Google answer a question that's totally subjective. I mean, well, it's not subjective, but that's because I have the best taste in everything (even when making jokes in poor taste) and as such know the truth.

Do the Dew

I'm gonna play the role of the concerned guy and warn you that the links in this post are not suitable for work, unless if where you work is just really tolerant or your IT/IS department is very clueless. Now that the standard boobs 'n' cooter warning is out of the way, we can move forward.

Google search:

mountain dew fisting

Okay, this is dumb because any can of Dew I've seen doesn't have fists, and as such is incapable of fisting someone. Don't worry, there's a payoff to all this.

I don't understand why this Google searcher ended up here, because the first link on that Google page seems to contain what this person was looking for, unless if they actually wanted to find that magical can of Dew that does indeed have at least one fist. But just in case the search results change, this is the page I'm referring to. You really need to watch the video (linked right under the picture), unless if you're offended by what you see in the picture on that linked page, in which case I don't understand why you're hanging out here to begin with. But I've gotta say that the video is pretty fucking funny. The fact that people did that as part of their "job" and got paid for it is both the biggest argument for and the biggest argument against our capitalist system.

To conclude the first half of this post, a little something for any Slashfuckers out there: In Soviet Russia, the Dew does YOU!

I'll preface the second half of this post by saying that I never thought I'd have a semi-legit reason to post this stuff. Even though I fancy myself as some big porn guy, my real big accomplishment is a massive collection of soft-core nudie pics that I've collected and burned to CD over the past decade. The collection was started back in the day of dial-up, and only ETP had the patience to deal with downloading videos back then. For the most part, I still don't have the patience, even with broadband. The reason they're all softcore is because I don't care to see dick in still images. I don't mind dick, it's just that I want to see it actually moving and doing something. As such, cock is fine by me in videos, but in a picture it's technically just sitting there. Honestly, if I want to see a lifeless cock like in pictures all I need to do is look down.

On one of my older porn CDs is a directory entitled, simply, "Funny Shit." There are only three images in that directory, but they are legendary (if you're ETP or me). I now present them for your viewing enjoyment.

It's thanks to this image that I cannot see a bottle of the featured liquor without breaking out into laughter.

All I've ever had to say about this picture is "That beer's gonna get warm."

The filename of this one really makes it what it is.

And finally, this image is not part of the hallowed "Funny Shit" folder, but it deserves to be in here. I actually used this on a birthday card that I made for ETP one year, and yes, I wrapped the card in black plastic.

Okay, I think this was a pretty epic porn post. You're welcome.

I don't talk much about drugs here. I don't get high, but I should start. My philosophy on drugs is pretty much in line with my other beliefs. I don't give a shit what you do to yourself -- fuck up your life, kill yourself, whatever, just don't fuck things up for others. I don't have anything ground-breaking to say on the subject. Not like I do on anything else. But at least I'm still not this person or this person.

Over at Overcompensating, it's for some reason all about Weedmaster P as of late. Which is fine, because Weedmaster P is pretty amusing. He was responsible for uttering the best alternate name for the internet ever in a recent comic. That more than made up for all the other non-clever alternate names the OC guy has come up with for the 'net.

Google search:

where are sasha cohen's boobs

I'm guessing somewhere in her chestular area. What the fuck? They're small, just like the rest of her, but that doesn't mean that they might be somewhere other than where they should be. I know what this guy was thinking. Maybe she keeps them in her duffel bag. Or maybe she's like that alien from Star Trek VI who had his balls on his knees. Or maybe this searcher is just a fucking retard.

Not surprisingly, I got quite a few Sasha-related hits today, especially in the past couple of hours since the short program aired here in the states. Also not surprising is the fact that they were pretty much all for stupid shit, looking for things like nudie pics and the above. That's to be expected thanks to the level of humanity out there, which is only matched by the quality of my writing.

Man, she had better fucking win on Thursday. And she can, she just hasn't yet.

I know what I'm talking about

Once I'm in charge, one of the first things I'm going to do is ban eye makeup. Mascara can stay, but that eye shadow and especially eyeliner shit is right out. I do not profess to understand women, and I certainly don't understand this need to draw dark circles around your eyes or make it look like you have trouble listening. For some reason it's supposed to look good, but it doesn't. Look, if your eyes don't look good, you don't look good. Maybe you're ugly to begin with and it doesn't really matter, or maybe you can use these products responsibly (although I'm not convinced that's possible), but I don't care. It's been abused enough that I've had it.

Case in point are the pictures of Maria Sharapova in SI's latest non-strokefest. Maria Sharapova is hot, and unlike a certain Russian cunt bitch who was fucking Sergei Fedorov, Sharapova has actually won something in her sport that people might give a shit about. But whatever they've got going on with her eye makeup in those photos is not doing her justice. This is a pretty minor infraction, too, but I'm gonna see to it that all of this nonsense stops once and for all.

Sharing the joy

Sorry in advance. And I really am sorry for this one, but that still won't stop my need for everyone else to suffer like I do. Yahoo search:

linda tripp xxx

People should not be allowed to live.

Swiss cheese, spliced with chalk, and a beard

Yahoo search:

real elephant fucks man

Because if an elephant was having sex with a human, he wouldn't be making love to it, he'd be fucking it. I also like how this searcher specified a "real" elephant -- gotta weed out that imaginary animal sex stuff, to say nothing of that ridiculous furry shit.

"That's hilarious, because they actually show you swiss cheese, chalk, and a beard!"
- BLM discussing the funniest thing ever