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Places like this should be bombed. Jesus Christ, grow the fuck up. Who the hell are you people, John "doesn't dance" Asscroft?

I'm pretty sure that this wins "Most Awful Story of the Day" honors. Yup, it's just past 11:30, and I don't think anything's gonna show up in the next half hour to top this. Not that even I'd want anything to; Jesus Christ.

Finally, a linker with a title worthy of this site:

Suck My Ass It Smells

I'm all for tossing some salad, but I don't know about this smelly part. You're going to be eating wicker for about a week beforehand to make sure that shit (literally) is all cleared out, then we're gonna spend about 5 hours in the shower beforehand to make sure you're all nice and clean. And, hey, that showering part could be fun. You know, before EATING ASS.

I'm kind of interesting in seeing The Alamo. I won't be able to vouch for its historical accuracy (or lack thereof) since I wasn't at the Alamo, but history films always interest me nonetheless.

I'm pre-emptively pissed about this deal with ending the film with the Battle of San Jacinto, though. This is just like the stupid bullshit where Pearl Harbor didn't end with the titular battle, but instead went on to show Doolittle's Run. It's not about "completion" or "parallel bahbitty-blah." It's not even about the "good guys" winning. It's about not making the Americans look bad. Yeah, yeah, Texas wasn't part of the U.S. then, but we still think of those who defended the Alamo as being part of "us." Like I said, same shit as with Pearl Harbor - we can't end a film where we get our asses handed to us. Not even if we eventually went on to victory! But of course, Americans are so shallow, insecure, and ignorant of history that they can't handle seeing us lose without immediately seeing that follwed with us winning.

I also see that The Alamo is rated PG-13. I could be wrong on this since I haven't seen it yet, but I'm willing to bet that it's pretty violent since it depicts fucking military battles and should be rated R. Just like Pearl Harbor, which was a fucking R rated movie that got a PG-13. And why did it get a PG-13? Because Disney made a phone call to the MPAA. I would imagine they did the same with The Alamo. That's how the ratings system works. It's all about how much money and influence you have and whose dick you've sucked.

Just for the record, fuck Pearl Harbor. That would have been a decent movie had they just focused on the battle at Pearl Harbor itself and not wasted time with the "let's all feel good about ourselves now, children" Doolittle's Run sequence or that ridiculous love story. I'm fine with chicks and romance when it has a point and is well done, but that shit was in there just to get women to go. The only thing that made it bearable is that Kate Beckinsale is so bloody gorgeous that it hurts.

Who says civility is dead?

More on my favorite thing in the world.

Yeah, and it's all on the strength of my anime and toy purchases, not to mention my never-ending sailor schoolgirl quest.

ETP and I have started yet another worthless 'blog project. In keeping with the developing trend of communicating solely via electronic means, 'blog especially, we've set up a new 'blog just so we can keep in contact during the day. I know I say this about my 'blog, but I'm serious in saying that no one will care about the new one. It's pretty much just for us and about us, and all the worthless shit we throw back and forth. Kinda like Fe, only less interesting. If that's possible.

I wouldn't reccomend it, but if you're bored you can check out the new land 'o' shyte, presently titled Flinging Shit, over here.

A year on, and they still won't shut up about that fucking statue. I was pretty sick of that shit... Well, about a few hours before this time last year.

First 15-year-olds taking nudie pics of themselves getting slammed with kiddie porn charges, and now 9-year-olds being Mirandized and carted off to the slammer in cuffs for stealing a rabbit. Man, this zero-tolerance mentality is so neat.

On a side note, I'm not sure why the BBC - a respected news organization - has seemingly become my source for random fucked up story links.

Fuck the Mini Cooper, even if it could travel at Mach 3. I hate those stupid things. Buying that car seems like nothing but an impulse buy. My life is pretty much one impulse buy after another, but at least I'm not fucking stupid enough to do that when it comes to automobiles. "Oh, look how cute this car is! I'm gonna buy it and take it home and then try and get around town in THREE CUBIC FEET OF SPACE."

Also, have you ever noticed how, for some reason, the fattest fucking people end up driving tiny shitboxes like the Ford Festiva?

Speaking of Times columnists, Krugman seemed to lose a lot of steam after the high GDP numbers we had several months back, but that's not stopping him from commenting on the job growth numbers from last month.

Since it's been a fucked up week, I'm a little behind on my Maureen Dowd columns, so it's time to catch up on one or two of those.

We've probably all heard this somewhere before, but here's a great signature some Slashfucker had:

I put the 'fun' in fundamentalism

Google search:

i want 2004 guestbooks of chemical engineers in france

I get a lot of hits for child porn, despite there being no child porn here, but I also get a decent number of hits from people looking for guestbooks of some kind. And you know what? The guestbook hits piss me off WAY more than the kiddie porn hits. Why? Well, because I can understand the kiddie porn hits; they're coming from sick fucking people. The guestbook thing I cannot understand.

Well, I can understand it from one angle; these people's lives are fucking bankrupt. Your life would have to be if you're looking for guestbooks on certain subjects. Even if I get that fact, it still fucking pisses me off. If you're coming here looking for a guestbook of some kind, we should just put you in prison along with the pedophiles. I'm not saying people who look for guestbooks are as bad as child molesters, but since we're cleaning house, might as well get those losers out of here.

Why don't you guestbook assholes take up a hobby, like child pornography?

People should be arrested just for liking April Lavigne. Nice to see her playing at the mall - that's not punk. "Hi, I'm April Lavigne. Please like me!"

Gotta love Scalia. He talks about how great the Constitution is while restricting freedom of the press. He says that he's completely impartial while presiding over a case involving a good buddy. Unlike with the president, it's okay if I say that I hope Scalia dies, right?

"People just don't revere it like they used to."

That's right and thanks for stoppin' by.

Article link found over at Explaining the Joke.

CompuServe is still around?

CompuServe search:

WHEN A MAN FUCKS A LADY

I guess I was wrong... Romance isn't dead after all.

Bull market

Google search:

women fucking bulls

I guess the economy really is improving.

I know, I know; 58 isn't that old

Finally, a story from Japan that's not completely fucked up. Unless, of course, if you have a difficult time dealing with arranged marriages or old people getting all romantic.

Yet another victory for free (as in speech) speech.

One could argue that Howard Stern's show should be taken off the air not for indecency, but for suckage. But you know who should decide just how much Stern's show sucks and whether or not it should be 86ed? The market. That usually seems to work pretty well, and from what I've been told, that's even the American system. But no, thanks to religious groups and bullshit politics, we have the FCC - a body that's appointed, not elected - making decisions for us. They're continuing with their charter mission to shit all over the First Amendment.

If it weren't for the fact that I know how fucking stupid Americans are, I'd be astounded that we stand for censorship like this. It's not just that we tolerate actions like this, but the fact that we have so many uptight, lame ass cunts who get so bent out of shape over sex and bad language that they actually cheer the FCC on.

As a side note, I've already decided that when I have my HBO special (because I know twos of people would tune in), it's going to be entitled Lighten the Fuck Up!

Welcome to the Springs fuck you... Which is more than these people got.

I just wouldn't expect this from my state of Colorado, and I definitely wouldn't expect it from the not-disgustingly-white and totally liberal and enlightened city of Colorado Springs. I'll tell 'ya, I drove through the Springs four times in four days earlier this week, and it was all I could do to keep from interrupting my voyage every single time to stop by at the Focus on the Family Visitor's Center.

And speaking of fun...

Meanwhile, you don't have to be a soldier to have fun while you're in Iraq.

Condi Rice gave her testimony today. I didn't see it (maybe C-Span or someone will replay it later), but from what I've read about it so far, there's nothing earth-shattering. Pretty much just the line we've heard thus far - we did a good job, blah blah blah, we weren't obsessed with Iraq, blah blah blah, we were really worried about terrorism even though our actions indicated otherwise, blah blah blah.

Baby's first shell script

Hook them early and hook them often.

This is cute and all, but I'm not going to be impressed until this kid starts doing her own system administration and writing scripts to clean out porn sites.

Oh, geez

Google search:

opec oil countries iraq poop nude

There's really nothing more I can say about this one.

Another new linker:

Beautiful Poetry

Okay, so after four lousy days, I think we're back. In about 24 hours we've gotten in talk of child porn, jokes about rape, jokes about incest (comments for this post and this post), allusions to bestiality, discussions of regular porn, new excuses to beat off (like we need any), and of course, sailor schoolgirl mentions. Remember that Audblog post ('cause I know you're keeping up on those) where I said I'd get back to normal about mid-week, whatever the fuck "normal" is for me?

Well, here it is... Normalcy.

Oh yeah, except for the fact that I'm better than everyone

Apparently, everyone and their god damn dog is a...


You are a GRAMMAR GOD!


If your mission in life is not already to
preserve the English tongue, it should be.
Congratulations and thank you!


How grammatically sound are you?
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Thank Christ I made the cut, because I can't stand people being better than I am. Which makes one wonder how I get through everyday life.

So I just got Mozilla running with the stupid Java plugin for the first time in... Forever. Apprently, Mozilla versions past 1.3 need a Java plugin compiled with GCC 3.x. When Mozilla goes to automatically dowload the missing plugin, though, does it go and find one compiled with 3.x? No, of course not, because that would work. But if you go snag JRE 1.4.2 on your own, it has an appropriately compiled plugin. At least someone has their shit together, but even still: fuck Java.

While we're on the subject of Mozilla, has anyone tried 1.6 or 1.7b and had it start up in a state where it A) won't automatically go to your set homepage and B) won't load bookmarks (including the personal toolbar) until you do something like "Manage bookmarks"? I'm of course running on Linux, the land of "Making everything harder than it needs to be, but it's still better than Windows... Mostly." I've heard good things about Firebird/Phoenix/Firefox/BrowserFucker, so maybe I'll give that another trial run as well.

UPDATE: Nevermind, as it turns out, blowing away my chrome.rdf file fixed the issue. Of course, that broke Tabbrowser extensions, which is normally a clusterfuck to install, but magically I was able to get that working, too. Finally, I'm back on the bleeding edge without making myself want to bleed.

UPDATE 2: Oh, and guess what? Mozilla 1.7b has the Blogger posting screen all fucked up. It's a good thing I don't use that too often. God fucking damn it. It's always something.

TIP: If you're fucking around with Mozilla versions and settings, it's a good idea to back up your bookmarks. I don't know how many fucking times Mozilla has just decided "Hey, this kid isn't pissed off enough. Let's delete his huge list of bookmarks." I would have gotten hit by this AGAIN tonight if I didn't have a backup in place (my backup being "cp bookmarks.html ~", in addition to my rdiff backup). Fucking douchebag Mozilla.

What happens when stupid drunk hillbilly dicks try and write legislation. Man, we have got to try and find a way to just push Alabama out into the Gulf or something.

Shut the fuck up, Rumsfeld. It's not a "test of will," it's a "pushing of buttons." They're ramping shit up to do what they can to provoke us into a strong backlash or fucking up somehow, all in the name of trying to further turn opinion against us and get in as many kills as they can.

Eat it, Guardian. I've already talked about the CIA webpage for kids.

The CIA wants you to "get high on intelligence." If the irony and humor in that statement doesn't make you laugh, then you still have no sense of humor, and I seriously question your presence on my 'blog.

You've been Crossed, ma' man

If the imagery produced by this doesn't make you laugh, you have no sense of humor. We've all seen a dog or thirty that we'd like to give the fucking boot like this. And you just know there was someone there who put his arms up like a referee indicating a successful field goal.

Besides, the fucking dog was 17. That's Strom Thurmond territory for dogs. I think this kid did the dog a favor by finally putting it out of its misery, misery which I'm pretty sure was in existence if my experience with old, broken-down dogs is of any help. Take that line about "experience" however you like.

Hey look, everyone, an article! A few points:

1. Who cares? Fuck celebrities.
2. I want a wife or girlfriend 35 years younger than I am. "Hi everyone, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend. She's negative eleven."
3. Someone explain to me why it's a big deal that Hollywood fuckwads would marry non Hollywood fuckwads. Movie people haven't cornered the market on being shallow narcissistic cunts who only marry for money, you know.
4. Seinfeld, you're not funny anymore. Go away, and stop your goddamn pandering for applause.
5. Why is it "Patty Duke, a.k.a. the mother of Sean 'Lord of the Rings' Astin" as opposed to just Patty Fucking Duke? C'mon people. Patty Duke, identical cousins; doesn't anyone fucking remember anything anymore?!

Just what I need, another risk factor for catching cancer. Oh, wait - it's just ejaculations, so masturbation counts? Fucking sweet. Finally, some good news. Maybe.

This also opens the door for all kinds of great new pickup lines. "C'mon, baby. Come and help in the fight against cancer."

Man, it is so neat living in a Christian, conservative society.

Asscroft complains that porn "invades our homes persistently though the mail, phone, VCR, cable TV and the Internet." Yeah, it does, and that Christ for that. Yes, thank Jesus Christ, because we know he's reponsible since he was a huge porn freak. Jesus was a decent guy, but all his followers are cocksuckers. Proverbially speaking.

"The ensuing years saw an explosion of porn, so much so that critics say that Americans' tolerance for sexually explicit material rivals that of Europeans."

And why is this a bad thing? God for-fucking-bid that we should actually grow up some day. Have I mentioned recently that I hate this place?

Apparently, it's C-section day today. This one, while fucked up, at least ends happy. Man, that shit is fucking harsh.

Yeah, I've gotten sick and tired of the comparisons of the Iraq war to Vietnam. I'm no Vietnam expert, but I know that was a much bigger fucking mess than the one we're in today. Yes, they were/are both ugly, but Iraq has not reached the scale of 'Nam. Iraq is as much Vietnam as Saddam was Hitler.

Bullshit scam of the week

Okay, it's not entirely a scam, but it is bullshit. Comcast has been announcing that they're doubling the speed of their cable internet service without increasing the price. Well, for anyone who has been on-board with cable internet in some areas for long enough, you'll remember the good ol' days. Back when it was still @Home, we had speeds that could get up in the 4 Mb range. Then @Home went bankrupt, and AT&T absorbed their network (as I recall). AT&T promptly capped downstream speeds at 1.5 Mb. Yes, I know, I'm being a greedy cock. 1.5 Mb is still pretty fucking nice, and it's not like I ever had speed issues. But did they cut prices to compensate for the cut in service? Hell no. Oh, and let's not forget when they intorduced tiered pricing. You could get higher speeds, but of course, you had to pay more.

Now we have Cumcast acting all high and mighty, touting the "improvement" of their networks. Bullshit; this was obviously good to go a year or two ago, seeing as how we already had it at one point. I don't know if they've increased upstream speeds (and I'm sure someone out there can set me straight on this), but hopefuly they have. That will make it easier to send shit (read: porn) to ETP now that he's kicking it with DSL. Still, eff them for giving us back what we had before and pretending like they're doing something all grand and noble. I suppose I shouldn't complain, though, since we are getting more speed and they're actually not charging more, but that's never stopped me before.

One thousand years? Fuck that. We'll all be dead in a thousand years. Why the hell should we have to care?

That right there is pretty much why nothing serious will ever get done to help the environment. No one besides Al Gore is going to give a shit about the environment until A) it starts costing them a lot of money or B) things are so fucked that it's having an immediate impact as opposed to a millenia down the line. We're too selfish and shortsighted to give a shit about anything more than a few years out.

Whenever things are finally such a mess that we just all fucking die, oh well. We'll fucking deserve it. 'Cause you see, the whole environmental debate isn't about saving the planet. The planet has been around for billions of years, and it has seen some shit. It'll survive whatever we throw at it. Humanity, on the other hand, isn't quite so resilient.

I'm a little torn on this one. On one hand, I suppose I can understand not wanting to be sliced the fuck open, no matter what the circumstances. And of course, the thoughtless little liberal in me sees what all those other showboatin' libs see; the abortion angle. On the other hand, lady, maybe you should have thought about all this shit before you got your fat ass knocked up. I'm all for prosecuting this bitch for endangerment, murder, whatever for using drugs while pregnant. But you know, upon thinking about it, the endangering the child with drugs thing is about the same as the endangering the child by not allowing the C-section, so fuck 'er. Er, you know what I mean. If not for the abortion angle.

Oh, yeah, then there's the mental health angle. To be honest, the only mental illness I see here is in whoever actually slept with that woman, or whaetver you want to call it.

Flood of Get Smart jokes to start any fucking minute now

Find a way to make Get Smart jokes, and I will post a link every fucking time. Best show ever.

Speaking of the mess in Iraq...

Oh, yay. Only seven more months of shit flinging to go.

If the job situation really is improving, Kerry is screwed. Yeah, there's still the Iraq mess, but if the economy actually is doing well and people are starting to get a feel for it, they're not going to give a shit about anything else.

Europe is so much cooler than we are in so many ways, but they can still be just as fucking stupid sometimes. Yeah, I give a shit about Ugly Spice and some little soccer player. I know Beckham and soccer are big over there; I don't care.

It's been a couple of weeks since I updated the sailor schoolgirl site, so I got on that and posted a couple new sets. Maybe more to come over the next couple of days, but as always with me, maybe not. Have fun sexually abusing yourselves, guys.

New linker, and be careful of the nude pin-up art on the front page:

DeMythology

I definitely don't get enough people linking me with tits on their 'blog.

Google search:

quiz-who's my type of guy

Can't people fucking figure out ANYTHING for themselves anymore? Honey, here's your answer: your type is me. I hope you like rape fantasies. If not, too bad, because either way it works for me.

Finally, back to normal posting. And it's about a subject near and dear to my heart... Child pornography.

Okay, my first and only question: is the girl hot?

Seriously now. Really. This right here is just such a nice example of what's wrong with this country. Only here do we go after the girl who willingly posts pictures of herself for kiddie porn as opposed to the guys out there downloading said child porn. Maybe you guys should consider spending more time going after people downloading or making other child porn, too. Look, I know that we're normally tough on child sex abusers. Except that we allow Catholic priests to freely do what they've been doing for decades. But give me a break. Being tough on child porn is great as long as they're not coming after me, but this is ridiculous.

What the girl was doing clearly wasn't good considering how dangerous it is with all the sick fucks out there. Like me. Actually, fuck that. There are actual sickos out there who will do way more in this regime beyond just bullshitting. You know, actual sexual predators. But charging someone with child sexual abuse of themself isn't the way to go about teaching her a valuable lesson. Shit, we all sexually abuse ourselves in one way or another, but thus far it's legal as long as you don't do it in public.

I hate this place, and I also need to seriously re-evaluate the chat rooms I've been hanging out in.

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A couple of Google searches before I take off:

buying bodybags

Fuck, no red flags there.

gentoo japanese schoolgirl

Whoa, is this Linux distro even cooler than I thought? That'd be fucking sweet if I could build my own sailor schoolgirl from source.

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Google search:

why does jeeves look a cunt?

Why don't you just go ask Jeeves?

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