For a minute there I thought I'd shit my pants, but as it turns out it was just a trailer for Go Bots: Battle of the Rock Lords.

Oh, and you know what else? But first they'll have to get through PLAYERS!!!

I'm not sure if this venture is going to pan out.

"Young men these days grew up with character goods. That generation feels no embarrassment about wearing Hello Kitty."

You probably wanna be pretty damn sure about that before you jump into anything too costly. While we do have a lot in common, though, I wouldn't presume to say that I have an intimate knowledge of the Japanese male's mindset. So maybe this will work but I just get a feeling it won't. Even with as strong as my feminine side is I can't see myself wearing anything Hello Kitty, and if I won't do it then you're pretty much fucked. Hell, I don't even have any Hello Kitty merchandise at this point (although there are supposed to be some Hello Kitty-themed Pinkys coming out next year). I mean how exactly do you get Hello Kitty to appeal to guys who want to have sex with chicks?

According to the Associated Press, the iconic mouth-less cat will be given a "more rugged, cool look to appeal to men in their teens and early 20s" for the first time.

You've gotta wonder what the omnipresent Sanrio has up their sleeve to accomplish that makeover. Then you realize that any such endeavor can only turn out adorable and then I think we're back to where we started.

Honestly the only way I can see to market this to guys is so that they have something in common with girls who are into Hello Kitty, but that's probably a creepy route to go (as evidenced by the fact that I thought of it).

While we're on the subject of toys, or whatever, here's Cracked's list of The 5 Least Surprising Toy Recalls of All Time.

There are a whole lot of d-bags on eBay. The worst of them I simply refer to as "soulless cocksuckers on eBay." Take this item, for instance. For anyone like me who played with real Transformers in the 80s, it is plain as day that the toy shown there is far from a "re-issue". Upon inspecting the packaging though, I am almost tempted to buy it:


Why am I tempted to pick up that gem? Isn't it obvious? It's because he is HUGE EXTREMELY. In fact he is so HUGE EXTREMELY that it says so on the package twice. You don't fuck with that.

Barack Obama: retard. I hope there's more to this or this comment was taken out of context because if not that's a pretty stupid thing for a supposedly smart man to say. I mean, seriously, how many toys out there come from China?

China, which makes about 80 percent of the world's toys...

Gee, that seems like quite a lot. Why not just say you wanna shut the whole industry down?

Man, every fucking candidate sucks balls. Well, most of them. I think I wanna get on board with Ron Paul. For some reason I had discounted him at one point but I think I need to re-evaluate that. Although running under the Republican flag the guy's really a libertarian and I'm down with that. If nothing else, if someone put a gun to my head and said "pick one" I think he'd be my choice. Not that that's a ringing endorsement or anything, but that's the shit landscape we've got here in this country.

And what is with the sudden surge of Mike Fuckabee? Just what this already ignorant country needs, a Baptist minister president.

Alright, I think the whole toy recall thing is getting out of control. Christ, are we gonna have to start recalling everything that might be harmful to kids? Like with most all these recalls (if not all of them), the only danger is through blatant product misuse.

Wednesday's recalls include about 7,200 "Big Red" Wagons imported by Northern Tool & Equipment Co. of Burnsville, Minn. Totaling about 405,700, the recalled children's products all had excessive levels of lead in their surface paint.

Although no illnesses connected to the toy car recall have been reported, lead is toxic if ingested by young children.

If your kid is ingesting his or her fucking wagon I think there are bigger issues. Shit, if they're just scraping paint off and eating it, that act alone is a fuckin' problem.

Scientists say a chemical coating on the beads, when ingested, metabolizes into the so-called date rape drug gamma hydroxy butyrate.

That is just fucking... Bizarre. I mean, what are the odds of that happening? I don't mean kids eating shit they're not supposed to, but the chemical coating getting converted to GHB after ingestion. I think this company deserves some kind of award. For something. Oh, and if you're expecting some kind of joke considering the GHB thing, forget it. It's too easy, and I need to cut back on that shit or I am gonna be the subject of the next recall.

Considering who I am and my opening to this post I know you're probably thinking that I'm thinking, to hell with these kids, if they're dumb enough to be putting this stuff in their mouth then just let Darwinism take its course. On one hand I'm like, yeah, kids should really be smarter. And if they're not, well, they might be doomed anyway.

But on the other hand, kids do stupid shit sometimes since they're, well, kids. Everyone makes mistakes and not all of them should carry the death penalty. Like did I ever tell you all about the time I spray painted my ass brown? I know I've told ETP 'cause it's like his most favorite story ever of mine but I can't remember if it's come up here or not.

I had to have been like four or five at the time. A neighborhood friend of mine and I got a hold of some spray paint somehow at my grandparents' house. And we proceeded to spray paint the fences, the shed, and, for some fucking reason, our asses. Lemme tell you, it was pretty awkward for my grandmother to have to be soliciting advice from others on how best to remove spray paint from a child's ass. I think I deserve some kinda bonus points for using the ever-appropriate color of brown.

Then there was another time that, for some reason, I had a pair of keys. And I was sitting there looking at an electrical socket. It had those two perfect slits, and I'm looking at the keys, and I was like hey, these must go in there. I got a good jolt from that, naturally, and this nice big blister on my hand. I remember crying my eyes out -- not so much from the pain but because I was worried the blister would catch fire. Why was I worried about that? I dunno, I'd just stuck two keys in an electrical socket, what the fuck do you want from me? I'm not sure if this incident played a part in me eventually becoming an electrical engineer or not. To this day, though, I really do not like working anywhere near 120V AC.

So yeah, I'm kinda torn on which way to go here. I suppose for these kids who end up hurting themselves, if they don't die the first time and they don't learn their lesson and they do the same stupid shit again, then fuck it, let 'em die. But if not they might still grow up OK after all. I, for one, never spray painted my ass again or stuck keys in an electrical socket again. And what if I had died? What kind of travesty would it have been for the world to miss out on me?

In closing, I am of course obligated to link to this.