Why can't this "fitness for duty" claim be qualified with a written exam -- preferably one with a lot of essay questions, not just a bunch of multiple choice like a psych 101 exam -- as opposed to a purely physical one? Ostensibly the most important job in the world, and all you need is a physical for someone to say "Yup, he's good to go." I'm not saying that physical health isn't important for his position, but c'mon now. Where else can you get away with this? Pretty much just athletes, and we know how smart the general lot of them are.

If something serious really were wrong with Bush, do you think they'd tell us? Of course not -- this isn't the goddamn West Wing. And who really gives a shit what Dumbass's cholesterol level is, anyway?

Since I'm currently on board the Bitter Express on my way to Sad Sack Junction (as if I'm not already living there), I feel even more compelled than I normally would be to link this Diesel Sweeties comic from the past couple of days. Indie Rock Pete is a stupid dickhead (so unlike me), but I think I might have to adopt that slogan as one of my own.

Speaking of comics, there is nothing worse than Cardboard Tube Samurai.

When I first saw this article linked off Slashdot about a supposedly very realistic looking female android that some Japanese researchers had created, my first question, naturally, was what does it/she look like? After clicking over to the article, I'm like, that's not a bad looking robot, but I didn't expect it to look so... Old. On a relative scale, I mean. Seriously.

Anyway, when I read that they had created a life-like female robot, I'm thinking to myself, ten-to-one it looks like a 12-year-old. But once I see the picture, I'm like, what the fuck? This isn't the Japan I know. Look, I don't purport to be in tune with every facet of the Japanese or their culture, but we have a certain... Understanding on things. Especially when it comes to the nerdier element of their society, which robotics people certainly fall under. So the question remained: what the hell is going on here?

Before Repliee Q1, Professor Ishiguro developed Repliee R1 which had the appearance of a five-year-old Japanese girl.

There it is. Not only was one of their creations young-looking, as expected, but they even one-upped me by going into U-10 territory. Bravo! There's still no explanation as to why the second one was post-pubescent, but knowing that the first one looked like a five-year-old more than makes up for my disappointment and disorientation over their latest android.

Okay, I don't normally do this since I feel dirty when I explain the joke (and not a good kind of dirty, either), but you may be wondering what exactly "U-10" refers to. You can probably figure it out, but I'll be nice and help you today. You might also be asking, what, is this some kind of pedophile code? Well, um, basically. When it comes to Japanese models in magazines, photobooks, etc., they have these codes that are used to designate various age groups. The "U" is for "under" -- U-18, under 18, U-15, under 15, etc. Oh, and also, the "U" designation is inclusive, so U-18 (and so on) is both under 18 as well as 18 years old. We all know how good the Japanese are with English. But anyway, there you have it. Now if you're looking at some form of Japanese media involving models of some sort and you see "U-10," you know to quietly back away from it. I mean, unless if that's what you're into.

Alright, so back to the article. When I see things like this, it makes me think that I've missed my true calling in life. Maybe I should have gone into robotics and worked on the kind of stuff that those Japanese guys are working on. I'm probably not smart enough to succeed in the endeavor of creating a life-like female android, but I'd have mad motivation seeing as how I'm going to be alone until the end of time.

I know, I know. "Dude, a robot could never really love you or care for you. It wouldn't have the emotions or the blah blah blah..." Yeah, and how does that differ from how things are and will continue to be? Besides, if I did a good enough job in creating her, I might be able to fool even myself. Hey, I've convinced myself (or tried to convince myself) of some pretty stupid shit, so the idea of a robot being a suitable companion isn't a huge stretch at this point. Hey, not any dumber than acid wash.

One hundred gurr

So Fe has reached the 100,000 hit milestone. After more than two years in operation, we have hit this ostensibly impressive but ultimately meaningless number. Meaningless since, well, we know what has caused the vast majority of those hits. And not as impressive when you consider that, at one point, I was working to keep this thing up to date with a shitload of new posts every day. Meanwhile, the Sailor Schoolgirl site is way more popular even though I rarely update it (can't imagine why) and was able to get over 100,000 hits in a single day one time.

But you know what? I somehow beat the odds, and my 100,000th hit wasn't from some pedophile. Granted, it was still from Google, but from someone doing a search for "fuck blog." Which, by the way, I am #1 in the search results for! It's not much -- in fact, it's nothing -- but I'll take it.

Yahoo search:

fuck a frog

Okay, not even my dick is that small. I mean, unless if it's a pretty sizable frog.

Spam:

Blonde takes a meat load on her pussy

When they say "load," I can guess what it is that they're talking about, but still, all I can picture is some chick having a bunch of steaks or something dumped on her cooch.

Danny mentioned this short story by Chuck Palahniuk in comments a couple of days back, and since I went through the trouble of finding it, you have to read it. Hold off on reading it if you were planning on beating off anytime soon, though. I mean, unless if you need ideas. And if you actually do get any ideas, I won't be held responsible, but I will laugh at your dead and/or humiliated ass.

Then there's the site that I found the story on, which should probably also be avoided if you actually are epileptic.

Hey, I like to expand my horizons

Some fucking page powered by Google search:

broads with rods

I've never heard that one before, so it's worth mentioning.

Okay, so when I see this, my first reaction is, I hate my friends. Granted, they don't need to be taking out any billboards, but what have they done for me lately? I clearly cannot be bothered to get my shit together in order to find myself someone.

My second reaction is, I'm pretty cool with my friends. I mean, they're pragmatists. They know what the fuck's up -- especially the women. They all know that no woman wants a short, ugly guy with no confidence, a bad attitude, and a bad temper. For all I know, I smell bad, too, and no one will tell me about it until I have this conversation with someone in the SSRC:

"Did you fart?"
"No."
"Well then, you stink."

No, it wasn't me that that happened to, because even I would have taken a hint. What I'm getting at here, though, is that my friends are saving everyone a bunch of trouble and embarrassment.

Just so you don't think that I've personalized this and made the article all about me (I'm certainly not one of those assholes who takes unrelated events and somehow makes it all about them), I have some comments on the article. I don't know whether or not to leave the fact that this is a bunch of fucking Mormons out of it or not. On one hand, we like ripping on Mormons, but on the other hand, it's almost not as much fun. Stupid bullshit is as expected of them as fucked up shit is expected of Japan, so it's pretty much par for the course and just not as special when it happens.

"It kind of came out of discussions we had, that Lance is such a good guy but not married," said Morgan Lynch, CEO of LogoWorks, where Archibald is the director of marketing.

So why don't you marry him, cunt? Unless if you're already married, of course, you wedded cunt. But I'll bet this guy has a bunch of those "just want to be friends" friends who would never ride his Mormon meat. Bonus that Morgan, if unmarried, has the extra excuse that they work together -- added excuses are always handy.

But yeah, nothing sucks more than the "just want to be friends" line, does it, fellas? Well, except maybe finding out that a supposed friend who you have a huge crush on considers you "second rate garbage," as seen previously on Fe. Or hey, remember that MASH game that kids (mostly girls) would play? No, not the shitty ass fucking TV show with the most depressing theme song EVER. No, this was the game where each letter stood for something -- M for who you were going to marry, H for the kind of house you were going to live in, etc (what the fuck were A and S, anyway?). You picked like four or five things for each category, and wrote them down on paper so that one entry in each category could be randomly selected by an algorithm that also escapes me. The trick was that in each category, you had to make at lease one "bad choice." So for instance, under "H" you might list "shack" as your potential future dwelling. Anyway, it's also a lot of fun finding out that a bunch of your female friends were waxing nostalgic and decided to play a game of MASH, and that you got to be the "bad choice" under "M."

Yes, I know, this subject has gotten a lot of run on here lately, and I'm not happy about it, either. But it's for various reasons prevalent on my mind as of late. And hey, what's total bullshit mental anguish if you can't share it with four readers (if not fewer, especially after this brand of nonsense) and a bunch of Googling pedos? Hey, just be glad I'm not giving too many details at this juncture.

But since this isn't about me, go ahead and check out the website they set up for him. Go on, do it. It's really sad that "returned missionary" is apparently his #1 selling point. WTF? Do a lot of them not make it back or something? I'm sure they lose one or two every year to screen door allergies, but it's not like we hear a lot of stories about missionaries getting snatched by bears and shit. And I wonder: if my friends were to set up billboards and a website, would they list "loves kids" as one of my selling points? I know, I know -- the moratorium on those kinds of jokes is not going well, but the question is legit.

While we're back on the subject of this guy's friends, wow, what a pack of fucking losers. They have waaaay too goddamn much free time on their hands if they can actually make as concerted an effort as they obviously have. The people I roll with aren't real social animals or anything, but they do have shit to do in their own lives. I also love that all of "Team Lance" works for the same company as him. I'm guessing that their company isn't what one would call a "wild success." Of course, they are getting some publicity out of this, so that may reveal their true reasons for going through all this trouble.

So the moral of all this: much like owls, friends are assholes.