Speaking of you going and eating shit

You know what sport is awesome? Curling. I'm not even fucking joking. It's all strategy and physics. A couple Olympics back, the captain of like the Swedish team was a math whiz who could solve a Rubik's cube in 27 seconds. When I, as an engineer, see that that dude is a fucking Olympian, I'm like, hell yeah, this sport is awesome. But even without that guy curling kicks ass.

"But it's all weird with the sweeping and HLURRR HLURRRR HLURRRRR."

Whatever, shut the fuck up. Curling rules.

Tim Tebow is my quarterback; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures,
He leadeth me beside the still sidelines,
He restoreth my injuries,
He leadeth me in the paths of victory for Tim's name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of defeat,
I will fear no D-line, for thou art with me;
Thy legs and thy legs, they comfort me.
Thou preparest soft coverage before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with helmet; my contract runneth over.

Surely low-scoring games and fourth quarter comebacks shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of Tebow forever.
-- Tsalm 15+8

Wow, so many things to say about this fucked up Penn State thing, but as always, The Onion says all that needs to be said.

OK, well I can probably find a couple more things to say. I feel like I should say something upfront here, as I know it's awkward at best for me of all people to be commenting considering my typical laissez faire attitude towards jokes about this kind of thing. The difference there is that even if you find such posts tasteless or offensive in the end they are all just bullshit -- but multiply that stuff by the complex conjugate and shit just got real.

Anyway, yeah, the whole focus on football and how every single article about the scandal comes back to that really is pretty fucked up. I know that realistically you can't expect different from the media but still.

I find myself doing it too. Like I start to think, well, part of you wants to give someone like Paterno the benefit of the doubt even though this looks horrible, and wait, what? Man, fuck Joe Paterno. Dude lost his job and his reputation is forever tarnished. Big fucking deal. Doubtful he's gonna have any real legal woes and the worst he will have to deal with is some inconvenience. And he's gonna be dead after not too long anyway. All of which is preferable to some of the alternatives in this case.

Oh, and for all you Penn Staters who are all worried about your school's reputation and whatnot, or are for some reason overly concerned about who coaches your team of future burger flippers: fuck you. Fuck you kids who are simply mad that Paterno got canned while not knowing shit about shit. At most some of you are paying token lip service to how we should be focusing on the victims and their messed up lives but really all you give a shit about is yourselves. The worst you'll have to deal with is maybe the football team won't be quite as good anymore (trust me you can learn to live with that) and in the future when you tell people you went to Penn they'll be like, "Oh yeah? Huh." That's all. Did I mention, fuck you.

So I have not had cable TV for nearly seven years (or satellite or whatever). Some people ask me, "How do you survive?" And then I reply, have you actually watched TV? Sure there are a coupla shows that can float but for the most part the genre sucks.

Well OK, I have not been 100% cable-free as I do have the most bare-bones cable package possible which costs like ten bucks a month. I get the over-the air channels, a home shopping channel or two, three Spanish channels (love those Spanish soap operas that have literally some of the hottest women you will ever see), at least one Jesus channel, WGN-Chicago (of course), and MTV2. Why MTV2? Because it sucks so bad they can only give it away.

Last night I was flipping through my handful of channels and came across the artist formerly known as M2 which was broadcasting a game of the Lingerie Football League. At first I was like, really? Why are people -- the announcers, the coaches, etc. -- taking this seriously? As I watched a bit more though I realized I was hasty in my dickishness. The girls playing were laying down some real hits. Yeah not bringing the wood like NFLers but these girls don't weigh 300lbs.

So as I watched I was getting into it -- and not for the reasons you would think for a single guy alone late at night. The players aren't exactly getting paid a ton of money to play and for most/many this is not their full-time job; they are clearly playing because they love playing football. Eventually I actually started to get irritated that they had to wear those silly get-ups. Partly because, well, the whole shoulder pads thing just doesn't do it for me, even with some cleavage showing and ridiculously toned abs and tight asses and well you get the drift. Forget the outfits and just let the girls play and it can still be cool to watch.

For a rare occasion I'm not trying to be sarcastic here. I have made serious calls before for more female participation in mainstream sports (just try to ignore the first part of that article; I'm serious after the first couple paragraphs, and OK, serious the first two but that shouldn't detract from my what I'm saying). Watching the LFL I was pretty impressed that despite the gimmick that the league is based on the play was legit. Sorry WNBA and soccer, but this is the first women's sport that seems to actually be worth watching (mostly because I don't care much for basketball anyway and fuck European kickball).

Granted, it's not the pace and intensity of NFL or even college ball. But it doesn't have to be. And you know what? We're never going to see a bullshit lockout or strike in the LFL. It's inevitable for anything that becomes sufficiently popular to get pulled down by greed, and the lack of that was another refreshing thing about watching some LFL action. Real play, and hey, it didn't hurt that oftentimes after plays some of the girls would get into a fight. I'm undercutting my argument somewhat here, but I am still a guy goddammit.

I had to text ETP about this discovery and he went and watched some clips and had two comments:

1. The players really do seem to be into it for the love of the game
2. The gameplay is good but it does look kinda weird when the QBs are throwing

To that last comment I said well yeah, they throw like girls... Which is still better than Pro Football's Tim Tebow.

Um, no dude. You forfeited because you're a fucking pussy and you were afraid you would get your ass kicked by a girl. Or maybe just afraid to touch a girl in the first place who you don't call Mom. Well I suppose you could call her "Mom" but then, man, that's just fucked up. Get some help and grow a fuckin' pair, wouldja?

"Even though there’s no specific Scripture that addresses wrestling with girls, there is the biblical Christian principle of treating women with respect and dignity...”

It never ceases to amaze me as to how many people who profess to believe in the Bible have apparently never actually read it. Actually, that's a lie -- I'm never astounded with these types. I know how they roll.

OK so after saying I don't really care about the Olympics anymore here's two skating posts back to back. Hey, I do still like the sport, I just have less of a vested interest now. Anyway, this pseudo-controversy is completely missing the most important fact: ice dancing is retarded. Seriously, fuck that shit. All it is is pairs without any of the hard stuff. I like real figure skating, not ice dancing.

Also, fuck everyone. I am so tired of every single fucking group out there just waiting for a reason to bitch about how they're being offended. You know, sometimes the complaints are totally legit, OK? And furthermore everyone has a right to be pissed and express their opinion about whatever. But usually people just need to relax and shut the fuck up. Everyone really needs to stop being so proud of their culture or their art or their whatever 'cause guess what? It mostly all sucks anyway. So get over it and get over yourselves. Jesus.

Everyone out there just waiting for false persecution to befall them needs to take a huge lesson from Jewish comedians. I may think their religion is stupid, but I totally respect how they can have their beliefs and be serious in them but at the same time laugh about them and not take things too seriously. Let's follow that example, eh?

I know what you're thinking. What if those weak-ass ice dancers went out there in blackface? Well that's not gonna happen 'cause they know black people have guns and they can't get away with shit like that. No one is afraid Aborigines. I mean; please.

The question about blackface is actually a pretty good retort but for starters I couldn't resist throwing out some humor. Humor in somewhat poor taste, yeah, but I know some of you are laughing. And of course I'm just joking about the black people all having guns thing but that helps bring me to a broader point. The thing is, you know, I really don't see what the problem is with making jokes like I just did or laughing at jokes like that. Obviously I would think that because I'm an asshole trying to justify my behavior but just work with me here alright.

Aboriginal costumes or blackface or whatever I think it's all OK. Yeah it may be shitty and it may be racist and it may be coming from a very lousy part of a total asshole. But it's all free speech. The whole point behind free speech is allowing people to say something that you might not like. There's no point in protecting speech that doesn't bother anyone. Everyone talks a good game about how they may disagree with someone but they defend to their death their right to say it blah blah blah. Of course a lot of people don't fully believe that; they really wish there was a way to shut people up who disagree with them. And again, that's the whole point behind laws protecting free speech.

Plus in the end, the words or dance routines or whatever aren't really hurting anyone, are they? What if you just ignored stuff like that? Would it go away? Umm, yeah, actually it would in many cases. The only reason stuff like that is hurtful or offensive is because people allow it to be. Words are just words until you let them be more, and if we all just stopped caring about shit like that our lives would be a lot more pleasant. Let the morons be morons and eventually they're just gonna go away anyway. Until those morons are making laws that truly are offensive then just let it go. It's when it comes to real actions that oppress people and take away their rights that I think shit's a problem. That's when people need to be up in arms and getting pissed.

Oh and one more thing. A lot of people who bitch about stuff like this dumbass ice dancing thing aren't really offended, they're just looking for attention. They just want some kind of excuse to run their mouths and let everyone know about their ultra-important opinions. These are some of the finest assholes we have amongst us, and they too need to just shut the fuck up.

I realize that I've said repeatedly that people need to shut the fuck up in one paragraph while in the very next I'm also talking up a good game about free speech rights. The thing is, I really do believe that people have every right to be douchebags and spew their opinions, but it would be so awesome if they could just put their efforts elsewhere towards something more worthwhile. Yes, this of course goes for me too. When I say people should stop talking what I am really trying to get at is that we all just need to relax more and follow the lead of our Jew comic brothers and sisters.

I think the best way to sum up my feelings here is to borrow some words of wisdom from ShitMyDadSays:

"Don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole."

Well, fuck. At least I don't really have to care about the Olympics anymore. Sure there is gonna be some stuff that interests me but it's just not gonna be the same.

OK so this is kinda random but when I first came across this I thought it said "stew."

Final Fantasy Football

Son of a fuck. You know how I feel about the Pats, so it must be something pretty serious if I'm pissed about an epic fail for them.

Well, how about my fantasy football season being blown up, for starters? Wait -- you probably figured that from the title of this post. No, the post has nothing to do with the videogame, unless Square-Enix has something up their sleeves that I'm unwittingly prognosticating. I just got that phrase in my head one day and it stuck.

But yeah, I'm fucked now. My draft strategy? Draft Tom Brady. After having Steven Jackson (one of the highest rated players at draft time) last season and Ronnie Brown (was leading the league in rushing several weeks in) after Jackson got injured, I was like, fuck the stud running back theory for fantasy football. I'm gonna go with a solid quarterback for my first pick and watch as everyone else sees their star running backs either disappoint or go down in injury later on in the year. I was kinda nervous about that foot of Brady's for awhile. Aside from it potentially being a lingering issue from the end of last season, as a foot fetishist I'm not pleased at having to be overly concerned about another dude's foot. I figured it would be fine; the guy's a veteran and he's a fucking horse. He's not gonna be setting records like last year, but he'll be fine.

So what happens? Before I even fucking got out of bed today, my season was pretty much hosed. The guy's started 128 straight games, but he had to pick today to (probably) shred his ACL and miss the rest of the season. Well, I was right about one thing -- the foot wasn't a big deal after all.

But, what did I expect to happen? Well, this, actually. Even during the draft I was already pessimistic. I even got called out for being such a whiny douche, by a potential dreamgirl nonetheless. So afterward, I had a bit of an epiphany. I was like, yeah, I do complain way too fucking much. Is it any wonder no one likes me? Stop that. Of course, I've had this epiphany before in my life, and then...

And then it turns out I was fucking right. I love how people have the gall to ask why I'm so pessimistic realistic about shit. I mean c'mon. This is all just learned behavior; it's not my fault, it's Pavlov's fault. There is no danger of me becoming a "happy person" anytime soon (happy people don't say "fuck" just so you know... long story).

I know what some of you are saying. "Well, that's what you get." Karma or some shit. Whatever. Either that is A) dumb or B) if I can actually influence peoples' lives just with my shitty attitude then I am clearly in the wrong line of work.

So, fantasy football gets me waxing existential. How sad is that?

Anyway, it's not all that bad. I'm having fun with it; I already changed my team logo picture to be a shot of Brady on the turf clutching his knee. And it is fucking fantasy football after all, which for many years I referred to aficionados of as quote losers. So yes, it's highly hypocritical flexible of me to be playing fantasy football, for the second straight year no less, but who cares. It's entertaining when you're in it with friends and co-workers; it's one more thing to BS about and talk shit about. And as long as I'm not one of those guys who spends all of Saturday setting my lineup (definite losers) then it's not all bad. But what am I gonna do if I can't impress Dreamgirl (hereafter referred to as Unlimited Candy Shopping Spree for reasons known only to me) with my fantasy football skills? Good thing I have so many others to fall back on.

"Once again Negative Z is kicking the hell out of Positive Z as the arguments rage."
- Line from Dr. Z, SI columnist and one of the most entertaining out there, in one of his NFL Power Rankings columns from last season

So I got a bit nostalgic tonight and went out hunting pictures of Mile High Stadium. The real Mile High; the only Mile High. I ended up coming across this thread, which has a ton of pictures chronicling the stadium's demise once Invesco Field was up and running. Interesting, yet very depressing too.

I've only been to Invesco once, and it's definitely not the same. Yeah, yeah, get off my lawn, nothing's ever gonna be good again, blah blah blah. Of course, it didn't help matters that my only trip to Invesco was for a preseason game against the Colts, but even still, you could tell the vibe there just wasn't the same.

I remember after Invesco first opened I insisted on calling it Mile High for awhile, but it wasn't long before I was catching myself between the "Mile" and the "High" before correcting myself to say "Invesco." I didn't want Mile High to be gone, but I finally accepted that it was.

My grandpa had Broncos season tickets for a couple years when I was in middle school. This was back during the two Wade Phillips years and we went 8-8 both years (winning all home games).

Okay, apparently my memory is apparently all fucked up 'cause Phillips was coach in '93 and '94 and I was in high school then. To combat this problem I just went and did something I rarely do: research. I went into my archives (the basement) and managed to dig up a ticket stub from 1991 and a bunch of game programs, so that was the first year. 1992 had to be the second year because I know that I was at this game, described here as such:

October 4, 1992
-- Elway throws 2 TD passes in the last 1:55, the last a 12-yarder to Vance Johnson, to come back from a 19-6 deficit and beat the Chiefs 20-19.

I still remember when Elway lofted that final TD pass -- as it went up the whole stadium simultaneously rose to its feet and then went completely nuts after they scored. Along with seeing the Rockies clinch the pennant last year it was the awesomest sports events I ever got to witness live.

Even if my years and coaches and records are kinda fuzzy there is definitely some other shit that I remember. I remember exactly where our seats were those two seasons:


According to the ticket stub I found that was section 333, row 5. It was right along the division between the east stands (the entire section which could be moved back to expand the stadium to accommodate a baseball field) and the rest of the horseshoe.

I remember a game where this obnoxious fat lady kept pounding on the wall along the division. By the end of the game I was so stoked with how well the game was going I had gone full retard and was doing the same.

I remember after one game as we were all filing out of the stadium a guy was holding up one of the best, and simplest, signs I ever saw someone holding at a game: "FUCK KC."

I can even remember my first game, which was ironically (by which of course I mean coincidentally) a preseason game against Indy. It was raining like crazy in Denver that day. It was cold, it was wet, and it was a mere preseason game, but it was my first pro football game, and it was awesome. It was always awesome on those Sundays. Going to those games with my grandpa were some of the best times I ever had.

You don't need to know why this is awesome, you just need to know that it's awesome

While we're at it, a little tune for fellow Cubbie fans out there.

So the debate (which probably isn't even much of a debate) over the ages of the Chinese gymnasts will rage for a bit. Doesn't matter, though, since yeah, probably nothing will or even can be done, despite the evidence out there.

tl; dr

Yay, so I just spent like an hour-and-a-half on this post which no one will read. Couldn't I have just posted another one of those image macro sites? At least those are funny. But this post did help point out to me that I apparently really like the word "just." Almost as much as I like to start sentences with "but" and "and" even though I know it's grammatically incorrect but I do it anyway 'cause that's how I talk and I write like I talk and that's how I roll. And I like using "just" almost as much as I like over-using commas, many of which I end up going back and editing out of posts, like these last two.

Self-important bitching aside, as expected, the majority of my Olympic watching so far has been gymnastics. I watched a tiny bit of fencing, rowing, and volleyball. Oh, and some swimming, but not really 'cause I wanted to. Some Many Fuck I did not realize I had this many "random" thoughts:

• Fencing. WTF? How the hell is anyone supposed to figure out who scored without just waiting to see one person's score increase? Here's how most rounds in fencing go, at least as far as the women are concerned, all in the course of about a second and a half: go signal, a couple swipes from each side, a horrifying scream or two, round over.
• Olympic and world records: fucking meaningless. Especially in the pool. Every fucking event a record is broken. Tonight, over the course of a two-part semi, one guy lost the world record to a guy swimming in the first half and took it back in the second. Gorram meaningless. Each and every one of us could hop in the pool at the Olympics and come out with at least one record, which would be shattered immediately thereafter.
• Seriously, speaking of swimming, I am just sick of it. Why even bother with Michael Phelps' events? He's gonna win. Okay, okay, that first relay was pretty cool and not exactly a gimme. But the rest? C'mon. Like tonight, with the 4x200m relay where the Americans just crushed everyone else? Stop fucking wasting time and get back to gymnastics, you assholes.
• I like all of the attention paid to the French team saying they were going to crush the Americans in that 4x200... Is there anything less threatening than French shit-talking? Check my record; I'm not even one of those spouting-off-at-the-mouth "cheese eating surrender monkeys" morons, but guys, shut it down before, well, that ends up happening.
• Interviewers: after every single fucking race, quit asking the athlete "What happened out there?" There are only two answers necessary in the athlete's repertoire. Winner's answer: "I was faster than everyone else." Loser's answer: "I wasn't fast enough." Obviously make the necessary changes for a relay event.
• Speaking of relays, I love how the first relay that Phelps was involved in, the black guy was all but ignored when it came to camera action and interview time.
• Also in the relays, I just love how they (commentators, interviewers) talk a bunch of shit about how it's all about team and teamwork and blah blah... But all they care about is Phelps's march to the record.
• I don't really care if Phelps gets the record or not; the guy is obviously just stupid good either way. I was reading earlier today how his daily diet is 8,000-10,000 calories, a lot of it crap that would kill most of the rest of us if consumed in mass quantities. All that and he doesn't have an ounce of fat on him. I almost wish he'd just get a damn silver or something finally just so that they would quit talking about the record and move on to their next abomination.
• The human interest stories, stories about pandas, etc.: also cutting into gymnastics time. Knock it off (yeah, I know, gonna happen real soon now...).

Okay, I'm gonna need a separate section just to focus on gymnastics here.

• First off, how can anyone talk about "women's" gymnastics with a straight face? So many of them are kids, and most looking younger than they really are. At best I can call it girl's gymnastics, but women's? Nuh-uh. I am more of a woman than a lot of those girls ever will be and that's messed up.
• Probably the oldest competitor in girl's gymnastics is one on the German team who is in her fifth Olympics, meaning she's at least 16 years old. Yes, that would mean at age zero she was competing in her first Games. You don't think it's possible? Have you seen Shawn Johnson on the beam? You can't tell me it's totally implausible that when she was born she was spit out right onto the beam. "Get to work, kid." Or really, she could have been born on any apparatus with how ridiculously good she is. I've taken to calling her "Mr. Automatic." Not really flattering, especially for a 16-year-old girl, but it fits. Oh, and now that I'm talking about this, the thought of a baby doing a routine on the uneven bars is a pretty hilarious image, and I'm picturing the baby doing an awesome job in case you're keeping score at home.
• Back to the one who's in her fifth Olympics... She's actually 33. The only bona-fide woman in "women's" gymnastics. She's competing in the vault finals if you need her. And I guarantee you that every other girl on her team calls her "mom." Plus, in real life, she actually is a mom.
• If they weren't wasting time with some of the events we can just take for granted or the stupid stories just to justify the existence of many of their producers they would have time to show at least a couple other countries' events in gymnastics. Aside from the American girls and the Chinese children, I think I saw maybe one or two Russians perform on an apparatus and a single Romanian in the finals.
• Since I brought it up, yeah, we've gotta talk about the Chinese girls. There is no way some of them are 16 or even going to be 16 sometime this year (as the rules go, and we know the Olympics are real big on following rules). One of them is easily 11 or 12 at best, maybe 13. You know which one I'm talking about. I know that there are a couple of "yeah buts." Yeah, but they're gymnasts -- gymnasts are always tiny and look way younger than they really are. Yeah, but they're Asian gymnasts, too -- Asian girls and women always look way younger than their real age. Still, I gotta call bullshit like everyone else. Keep in mind that I know what I'm talking about; thanks to the Japanese I've seen plenty of young Asian girls in the past few years so if anyone can figure it out it's me.
• And even though there was that one girl who looked extremely young(er), I didn't really appreciate the announcers continually referring to her as things like "the little one." There's lots of "little ones" out there; Shawn Johnson is 4'8" if you need her. Granted, a lot of the girls out there don't look like they just finished preschool, but the kid has a name for fuck's sake. Pretend you're professionals and use it.
• Just so you don't think I'm only focusing on the girls, I did watch as much of the men's finals as I could last night. Those guys are simply fucking amazing. On top of being completely mind-blowingly ripped, the shit that they accomplish with their strength... Damn.
• After one Japanese guy had a pretty lousy routine, the cameras caught him laughing and smiling a few minutes later. One of the announcers said something like "I never like to see that at the Olympics. Not after you've just had a routine like that." Look, I know it's the Olympics, and it's a big deal. I know it's the pinnacle of many of the sports that are represented at the Games. Furthermore, I'm not, and never will be, a former Olympian like some of these burnout announcers. But Jesus, it's fucking sports. It's not life and death. It's not like losing means you lose the cure for cancer. Oh, and god forbid any of them should have any fun out there, especially considering that for most it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing, maybe twice or more if you're double-plus good. If they do shitty and want to laugh it off, let them, and shut the fuck up bitter former Olympian.
• One more thing that I find really obnoxious: when girls are doing their uneven bars routine, why the fuck is there so often a coach standing there right by the bars watching her? Isn't that distracting to her? Like I always see Nastia Liukin's dad doing this. Dude, I know, you won a gold medal in gymnastics. Are you gonna do the routine along with her? Then sit the fuck down. The kid's got enough pressure as it is. Watch the film later or something.
• Bela Karolyi: awesome. He is just fun to watch. I think my favorite thing about him is how sometimes Costas will ask him a question and he'll just ignore it because he's got something else he wants to say. You could also tell by his body language and tone of voice just how bummed he was that the American girls didn't win tonight. There was one point where he was away from the desk and Costas pointed out that Karolyi would be back momentarily and you just know Karolyi was off camera hitting the sauce. And I love how he got in one last line about the Chinese girls and how "It's too bad they're all underage."
• I am pretty sure that with some of the maneuvers that those gymnasts perform they are actually turning themselves inside out (watch Johnson's beam routine for an example that just astounds me every single time where some does some kinda backflip upside-down somersault or some shit).
• Before I get into my last section, one more thing: why are artistic gymnastics over with so early? I mean like the girl's team all-around finals is one of the marquee events if not the marquee event... Why is it in the first week? You don't see the free skate in the first week during winter. Come to think of it I don't know why I would want to wait another week, but it just seems dumb from a scheduling perspective to me.

Alright, so to close out a post that got way longer than I thought it would, we gotta talk about the girl's finals tonight. You know I don't really take it hard like, say, Sasha getting silver since I don't have quite the same level of personal interest, but I was still hoping to see our girls do good. And they did do good; yeah no one wants silver when gold is in your grasp but Jesus. Obviously I don't know shit about gymnastics but I think the notion that our girls all but "personally handed" the Chinese the gold medal is crap. Those lil' Chinese kids were just better tonight. Or today. Or tomorrow. Or whatever the fuck. Either way, if you take away the major mistakes by the American girls I don't think that alone makes up the margin that China won by.

Anyway, more than anything I just feel bad for our girls. Of course, I pretty much feel bad for anyone who doesn't get gold in just about any event. I mean, unless they're some kind of prick or something; then it's just funny. But these people go out there and do shit that virtually no one else could do no matter how hard any of us tried, and somehow they come away feeling like losers for coming in second or whatever? That's fucked up. It's worse with gymnastics, though, where one simple mistake gets amplified beyond belief. Pretty much like skating, actually. I don't know why I have to latch on to the hardest to watch, most excruciating events at each Olympics. Ones that always end with young girls crying nonetheless.

Understandably, I feel worst for Alicia Sacramone. I can't really figure out why but I think she's my favorite on the team (and it's not even completely creepy for me -- for a change -- since she's 20). Relax, we're definitely not talking Sasha level here, but this is as close as it gets for these Games. It's the same as any other Summer Olympics though; I don't have the same zeal for them as the Sasha Olympics (not that you could tell from this post), but going back probably a couple decades (fuck... I'm old) every time the Summer Games are around I always latch on to one girl and she's always a gymnast. Well, who the fuck else am I gonna latch on to? A basketball player? Volleyball player? Please. They are mostly so tall as to be completely useless to me.

But yeah, this year, it looks like Alicia is the lucky one. I like how, with the understandable exception of post-beam tonight, she always looks like she's having fun out there. Obviously it does not hurt matters that she's a good-looking girl with a gymnast's body. Plus she has a cool name. And you gotta like the balls play of trying to do that mount for your beam routine. Yeah, the judges aren't gonna like it when it goes awry, but I still think that oughta count for something, especially when no one else tries it (or at least, as far as I know, since I got to see all of six beam routines). Sure, it's the Olympics and if you're gonna do it you gotta hit it, but still. At my Olympics things will be different. Anyway if anyone knew about this blog which they don't, I'm sure it would be an awesome consolation to Alicia to know that Random Asshole Blogger has got her back.

Sorry, Alicia. I know you'll pretty much blame yourself for quite some time, which is understandable but still sucks, but win or lose it was a team effort out there. And didn't you know that "team" is all about Michael Phelps's pursuit of eight gold medals in a single Olympics?

Only the cutest little girls allowed in the public eye; that's how the Politburo rolls.

Seriously, even with their track record, this could be the one of the more assholish things that China has done. What's sad is the real singer is cute too. Sure, not as cute as the other one, but c'mon, have a heart you red bastards.

Dude calm down. I like looking at teenagers as much as the next guy but I'm pretty sure he busted a nut at least once while writing that article. And if I of all people am calling you out on this front then you should probably check yourself.

Gymnastics is about the only sport I can even come close to giving a fuck about at the Summer Olympics. It's no figure skating though, but of course that goes without saying because they don't have Sasha Cohen. Hell figure skating doesn't even have Sasha anymore since she's moving on to other areas of being fucking hot, but I do still enjoy the sport for what it is.

Even if I'm not as stoked, gymnastics, both men's and women's (women, right), can definitely be interesting to watch. For the men, here's me every time I'm watching one of them in competition: "Holy crap that guy's really strong." Then of course there are the "women" who never can be women because they trade going through puberty in exchange for awesome athletic ability (I found out at one point that I'm actually serious without knowing it when I say that, too). Watching them it's like, holy fuck. What they are, really, is just well-built little girls. I'm honestly not even sure I find that attractive -- stop laughing -- but either way you've gotta tip your hat to it.

Just to make sure we don't get too serious or anything, here's something mindless. A couple of days ago I came across a poll the Sun-Times is running, asking who's hotter, Cubs fans or Sox fans. You know, there's really not a whole lot better than a good-looking girl in Cubs gear. Unfortunately for us north-side faithful, by sheer numbers at least, the Sox apparently have us beat on this one. Well, either that or the hot Cub fans have something better to do than submit their pics to some ridiculous online poll. You know, like having sex.

Even if the numbers favor the Sox, quality always beats quantity. The world was set right when I came across this girl:


If for a moment we pretended that we live in a horrible world where the sailor schoolgirl uniform never existed, what you see above just might be the sexiest getup ever. Obviously a nice getup is wasted if what it's getting on isn't nice, but she's clearly got that taken care of. As if I really need an excuse to go, now I need to make a trip to Chicago to find this girl, since that wouldn't be, you know, A) difficult and B) creepy stalker shit.

Unfortunately, though, my new dreamgirl goes down in defeat once Soxman shows up:


You know what makes that extra sad? The guy on the left? Loser.

Slightly creepy, yet amusing.

Several years ago I saw a book on the shelf entitled Brett Favre: Huck Finn Grows Up. For some reason though, perhaps because Brett Favre is a dooshebag, at first glance I read the title as Brett Favre: Fuck Him.

At the time though I had more of a hatred for Favre just because of this kid we knew back in middle and high school who was a huge Packers fan and also a dooshebag. I'm more OK with Favre these days, especially after he nearly saved my fantasy season this past year. Hey wait... Nearly. Nevermind what I just said. Brett Favre. Fucking d-bag.

Also, will someone please tell Brett Favre that there's no crying in football:

18-1

So yeah that's pretty funny. I wasn't all that worked up over the game to begin with -- I've never understood why the Super Bowl is such a big deal if you don't normally root for either of the teams playing. I mean it's like a religious holiday for lots of guys, only more important. I guess it's an excuse to party and get drunk, but seriously, why do we ever need excuses for that?

Anyway this was one of those games where I could come up with reasons to root against both teams. Like most of the rest of the country I'm sick of Boston, and New York is, well, New York. In the end I was pulling for the Giants because as it turns out I'm more sick of Boston in general and the Patriots in specific than I am of New York overall. The OCD in me would have gotten some satisfaction had the Patriots pulled it out just because of the perfect record, plus I think we're all pretty tired of hearing about the '72 Dolphins. So either way it would have gone I would have been like, meh.

I suppose it was pretty cool to see Quentin Tarentino win the Super Bowl and get MVP honors so early in his career, especially after it took his older brother so long to finally "win the big one." Speaking of whom, does that guy not have any friends or something? Like why was he sitting alone in a corner nearly every time the cameras went to him in the booth? Cut that meat!

The other reason people get all worked up for the Super Bowl -- the commercials -- weren't too stellar either. Although I'm sure if there were any really good ones I missed them anyway. The one with Carville and Frist was kinda funny, and I think the best one I saw was the one with Dwayne Wade and Charles Barkley. Gotta love Chuckles.

Yeah I think it would be pretty awesome too if Mark Cuban bought the Cubs but it just isn't gonna happen. And you know, I don't know that Cuban is the answer to the Cubs' woes, but you know, more of the same shit sure isn't either. Cuban would at least be interesting. He would shake things up. And he actually gives a shit about winning. That alone is a marked change from, oh, gee, the last fucking century.