This is awesome. Extra awesome that she's a freaking knuckleballer. Yeah, we all know how I feel about young girls in specific and women in general playing baseball, but let's try to set aside the pervert shit for a minute. This is awesome for two reasons:

1. Two years until she's legal. 'Cause, you know, that's relevant -- two years from now I'm on it.
2. Unlike the 11-year-old from a couple years back, this girl is only five feet tall. Nice.

Wait, what?

Hungry like the wolf

I just figured it out. I figured out how I'm gonna hit it big. I'm gonna make a porno. The theme of it will be chicks who do DVDA while they suck a cock. The title? Five-Tool Player.

You don't need to know why this is awesome, you just need to know that it's awesome

While we're at it, a little tune for fellow Cubbie fans out there.

Just to make sure we don't get too serious or anything, here's something mindless. A couple of days ago I came across a poll the Sun-Times is running, asking who's hotter, Cubs fans or Sox fans. You know, there's really not a whole lot better than a good-looking girl in Cubs gear. Unfortunately for us north-side faithful, by sheer numbers at least, the Sox apparently have us beat on this one. Well, either that or the hot Cub fans have something better to do than submit their pics to some ridiculous online poll. You know, like having sex.

Even if the numbers favor the Sox, quality always beats quantity. The world was set right when I came across this girl:


If for a moment we pretended that we live in a horrible world where the sailor schoolgirl uniform never existed, what you see above just might be the sexiest getup ever. Obviously a nice getup is wasted if what it's getting on isn't nice, but she's clearly got that taken care of. As if I really need an excuse to go, now I need to make a trip to Chicago to find this girl, since that wouldn't be, you know, A) difficult and B) creepy stalker shit.

Unfortunately, though, my new dreamgirl goes down in defeat once Soxman shows up:


You know what makes that extra sad? The guy on the left? Loser.

Slightly creepy, yet amusing.

Yeah I think it would be pretty awesome too if Mark Cuban bought the Cubs but it just isn't gonna happen. And you know, I don't know that Cuban is the answer to the Cubs' woes, but you know, more of the same shit sure isn't either. Cuban would at least be interesting. He would shake things up. And he actually gives a shit about winning. That alone is a marked change from, oh, gee, the last fucking century.

You know what I find hilarious? The fact that, at this very moment, at least one person in New York is committing suicide because the Mets lost game 7 of the NLCS. You know I'm right.

Speaking of losers, I was just reading this old post of mine. I think everything laid out in that post makes me such a fucking loser that things actually circle back around to where it makes me fucking awesome. Just not as awesome as Math or the TI-G.O.D., of course.

Oh, and as a corollary to that post, I ended up overclocking my calculator after reading about how to do it.

I have never wanted an 11-year-old more. Don't give me that look; you can't tell me that a perfect game isn't hot and that she isn't cute in that uniform. Hey, from another article I saw that she's already taller than me, so I think that gives me a pass.

I should really be depressed for about a million reasons right now, but I'm not. Okay, I'm a little depressed about the "five inches taller" thing (yes, five), so let's move on.

Okay, now that he obligatory "I am a huge pedo" jokes are out of the way, I'm going to re-new my completely serious call to allow women to play Major League Baseball. Baseball got lame when it became all about home runs. I know that some of you are saying that baseball was lame to begin with, but fuck off. I mean, it's not like I don't agree -- baseball is fucking boring -- but for some inexplicable reason some of us enjoy it. As usual, I'm digressing. I'm just tired of games ending 13-12, because that's not how baseball is supposed to be. I'm tired of moving the fences in, lowering the mound, and doing whatever else to hamstring pitchers and help hitters. And of course, this doesn't even get into the whole steriods thing.

Women could totally help slow things down, and I'm not saying that because they'd suck because they wouldn't. Sure, most if not all women aren't going to rise to the ranks of the elite power hitters, but I still think some women could make good pure hitters. I'm telling you, some women have gotta be able to parlay an eye for shoes into an eye for a 95-mile-an-hour fastball. They seem to run plenty fast enough when they want something. So yeah, they won't hit lots of home runs, but they will hit for average. Again, boring to everyone, but something baseball junkies appreciate.

Then again, though, considering the schoolgirls on steriods article I posted a few days back, it might not be long before having women in the game just turned into the same old bullshit as we have now. Well, maybe not. If my completely unbacked theory that women could hit holds, then some women on roids could hit for power, but it probably won't get as ridiculous as it is now, so I'm still cool with that.

Considering how fucking shitty some teams out there are, adding women certainly couldn't hurt anything. My new girlfriend Katie could probably help shore up the Cubs' rotation until that magical day when all our pitchers are healthy. And my hometown and second-favorite team, the Rockies, already plays like a bunch of 11-year-old girls -- ones who can't hit or pitch, that is.

And what if my theory holds true, and women players turn out to be good hitters? Not just good hitters, but even great ones? How much do you think it would piss off some of those beer-swilling sports fucks if a woman hit .400 in a season or got a hit in 57 straight games? Come on, this plan is fucking perfect.

As I see it, the only other option to fix baseball is to bring back the dead ball. I'm sure Major League Baseball will be happy to hear my proposals and enact at least one of them.