You just don't expect to see this kind of stuff from good, honest god-fearin' folks.

A judge ordered Mancini to undergo a mental evaluation.

The sooner we order this for all those of faith, the better.

The joys of the Blogger Navbar and random linkers

Look, I know it's not that simple. Blah blah blah. But why the fuck did you marry him in the first place?

Gays marrying! Gays marrying! It's going to destroy the institution of marriage! No, it's stupid fucks like this who have ALREADY destroyed your stupid precious "institution."

Yahoo search:

i want to fuck a goat

I always make idle chit-chat about how I should shut this place down, and I'm always served with constant encouragement to do just that. I mean, c'mon. I've made it clear that if you need to fuck a goat, I don't care. You do what you gotta do. But why the FUCK do you need to tell Yahoo about it?

A bunch of you don't even know what MLS is (it's some kind of disease, isn't it?), and that's good

I just read a blurb that the MLS championship is tomorrow. And you know what? No one cares.

The other night, we couldn't remember when the next gen XBox was supposed to come out. Well, it looks like Microsoft may have plans for XBox 2.

Out here in Colorado, some of the State Patrol officers drive a Camaro. We always thought that would be a pretty good deal -- a Camaro and a shotgun. Sure, the Camaro isn't that great, but combine that with the gun and you're good to go. Colorado State cops haven't got shit on the Italian Police, though.

"It's not for fun."

Bullshit.

"... Superintendent Bizzarro had to push the car up to about 185 miles an hour to stop a Porsche going about 155..."

Okay, first off, Superintendent Bizzarro. That has got to be the best combination of title and name ever. Second of all, how do you catch an asshole doing 155 in his Porsche? With a fucking Lamborghini, that's how.

Dead baby

So John Asscroft is stepping down. Many of us won't be sad to see that guy go. In the wake of his pending departure, White House counsel Alberto Gonzales has been nominated to take his place. Yeah, the guy who said that parts of the Geneva Conventions were "obsolete" and "quaint" will be in a position to influence what happens to our civil liberties. So I'm not real worried on that front; at worst it'll (hopefully) just be more of the same. This, of course, isn't a good thing, but at least I'm used to it.

What I'm really hoping for is that he'll at least back off on the whole porn thing. Do whatever the hell you want to prisoners since you're going to anyway, just let me jerk off in peace, okay? Leave me something, for fuck's sake.

Some anti-woman groups aren't happy with some of the actions he's taken with regards to abortion. For instance, while on the Texas state Supreme Court he ruled in favor of not requiring some teenage girls to get parental consent for an abortion. I like that. I like that a lot. Hey, they may be poised to expand the gulag, but at least that's one point over Asscroft.

Seriously, though, at least he's pissing off the anti-womanist groups, and that makes me smile. Sure, it's a small consolation, but I'll take what I can get at this point. Also, we know that there are valid reasons for not requiring parental permission for an abortion (incest), so at least the guy might capable of some sort of rational thought.

"Why is President Bush betraying the babies?"

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. The poor wittle babies. I've basically made this stance before, but I'm going to make it again: fuck the babies. And no, not like that, you sick pervert. Sure, maybe the baby was asking for it, but I digress. Look, I'm sick of this bullshit about the unborn. Everybody's all up in arms about it. You know, you try and point out that abortion, while no one (except maybe Marla from Fight Club) strives for it, is a necessary option for women to have. Even if you make a strong case, they always throw that "but you're killing babies!" shit in your face. And to that I say, funk 'dat. I don't give a damn about babies and how do you like that?

Maybe it's because I'm not a parent or whatever, and as such I haven't experienced the supposed "miracle" that's happened billions and billions of times (I guess miracles were on sale at Sam's Club), and that's why I don't go all soft (or hard; these religious groups have a huge hard-on when it comes to them) over babies. But I'm sorry, when it comes to choosing between a pile of goo that isn't even alive yet and a woman who's put up with me and given me compantionship and (apparently) even had sex with me, I'm going to side with her. Shit, you make the sacrifice of having sex with me, and you can do whatever the hell you want. You can go out killing other people's babies -- pre-born or otherwise -- for all I care. You had sex with me and that makes you a wonderful person.

Where the hell was I going with this? Oh yeah. The "baby killing" shit doesn't work on me. Go try emotionally manipulating someone else, Christfucker.

"If you think a fetus is so important, try getting a fetus to wash the shit stains out of your underwear -- for no pay and no pension."
- Carlin

Yahoo search:

how to find objects around the house to fuck yourself with

I dunno... Get up and fucking look for them? God damn it people are lazy.

While looking through the search results, I found the following probably-not-work-appropriate site which amused me greatly: How to Bang Just About Any Object in Your House.

Is there anything better than masturbation? Sure, it's not as good as real sex (theoretically, at least), but it's almost always available and fun unless if you're some kind of real fuck-up. In addition to the pleasure factor, it also provides us with all this great humor. Sure, sometimes the joke's on you, but hey, shit happens.

"If you ever get caught masturbating, the first thing to do is act surprised. And don't worry, you will be surprised. Just start yelling 'Help! Help! My hand and peeny are fightin'! Get some help, a hot towel, and a chicken burrito 'cause this is a battle royale!"
- Dave Attel

"But you know what I like even better than women? Pornography. 'Cause I can get pornography."
- Patton Oswalt

Okay, maybe it's just because it's 7:30 AM and I've been up all night for work once again (this time because I pretty much had to, though), but I can't quite digest the point of this right now. Some big long history lesson as to why us liberals crying "fascism!" are just getting our panties in a bunch over the wrong thing. Not that we aren't being overly hysterical, but c'mon -- we're liberals. Doesn't mean we don't have a valid point or two. Maybe the article will make more sense later, but I'll post it now so I can pretend to be all fair 'n' balanced and shit.

Yeah, I just can't wait.

Spam:

Brand New Teen Eating Cum

Brand new? This makes it sound like they can just manufacture them now. Because if that's the case, I'm in.

Oh, geez. Now the World Trade Center is going to have some kind of weird stigma attached to it.

Seriously, dude, I can understand being unhappy with the results of the election. A lot of us were feeling pretty down last week, then it turned, oh, about noon on Wednesday, and we were over it and were moving on. Okay, some of us accepted it and got over it; undoubtedly some out there will never get over it. But oh effing well.

Like I said, I don't have to be happy with the results to respect the accomplishments. And pending those pay raises, I'm not going to become a bloody conservative. I'm just confused right now, and having lots of bipartisan-curious feelings.

More and more, Karl Rove is becoming my fucking hero. This may seem odd at first seeing as how I hate the man he's gotten into office for two terms now, or it may make perfect sense if you know me at all. Hey, I may not be happy with the results, but I've gotta give the man big props for doing what he's done. And besides, I'm a conservative now, remember? Flip, flop! Flip, flop!

The left really needs a Karl Rove of their our own. Yeah, a Rove of our own. Someone to say, "No, fuck that. We're going to do it my way, we're going to do it simple, and we're going to fucking win." Someone who's not as weird looking as Carville, maybe the closest thing we've got (not that Rove is any prize package himself). Someone who sits in their office all day and thinks. Someone who can be vicious, or, more appropriately, someone who can delegate responsibility to go out and be vicious. And above all, someone who's fucking smart. I could handle some of those qualifications, but I am just nowhere near that goddamn smart.