How to make friends and influence people

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fleshlight pete

Okay, I totally want us to make friends with a guy named Pete and then buy him a Fleshlight just so that we can call him "Fleshlight Pete." I dunno why, but that nickname has a good ring to it.

We'll add ol' Pete here to the growing list of friends that we wanna make for completely illegitimate reasons. Since we're so bad at making and then subsequently keeping friends, we've decided that we should just give up on the whole "keeping" part and roll with what we're good at. As the Demotivator says, if you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly. So we just want to make friends from here on out with the express intent of eventually driving them off. We definitely want to make at least one of those new "friends" cry right before the end.

I can't really imagine how things have gotten to this point, but this all reminds me of a story.

You have no idea what we're capable of, just by being us. Take for example this one kid we knew several years back. He was kind of a jackass, but he was a decent enough guy. A good drinking buddy; you know, not someone you get real deep with, but someone you can hang with and shoot the shit with. One shining example of what we were capable of was when he made known his desire to get a Lincoln Navigator. I find the Navigator to be an appallingly stupid choice in automobile purchasing, and I let my feelings be known. We gave him so much shit over the Navigator that it actually got to the point that he didn't want one anymore.

That wasn't the best thing, though. You see, this guy was a typical guy in his early 20s. Go out, party, do that bullshit; he could even get some poon if so desired. But we pretty much ruined that. By the time we were done with him, he was pretty much as big of a sad-sack loser as ETP and I. Our lack of desire to interact with others and our general disdain for life really rubbed off on him. It was hilarious.

Before you get the waterworks going for this poor soul, let me tell you what he was capable of and why it's not really such a big tragedy. BOETP introduced this guy to a friend of hers from college. She was decently attractive, but had had issues with her weight in the past. She had been bulimic, and this guy was full well aware of that. One night at dinner, he referred to her as -- and I kid you not -- "Butterball." If that were me in her position, the earth would be splitting open beneath him with flames shooting out and pulling him down to a fiery death. But you know what? She cried it off, and they stayed together. So he was a dick, she was a dipshit, and they pretty much deserve each other. She has a guy who is an ass, and he is stuck with one non-noteworthy girl and really isn't having fun like he used to.

Working in concert, the three of us totally ruined that kid's life, and it was awesome.

Some more random shit. First, on Slashdot, the current poll is on pagers. Why the fuck they're talking about pagers now that everyone has a cell phone I'm not sure, but oh well. Anyway, I found this comment highly amusing:

I lost my pager years and years ago. An extraterrestrial intelligence found it and began the long voyage to return it to me here on Earth.

Funniest thing, though, was how the alien mind kept referring to my little gadget as "P'ger."

Second and finally, there is this great joke I heard over the weekend:

Why doesn't Jesus like Tic-Tacs? Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Discharge

I've been waiting a long time to say this, but it's official: The U.S. Military can go fuck itself. Why? Because as of about an hour ago, I am no longer eligible for the draft should they ever get one going. ETP and I can now go around to recruiting offices yelling "We're untouchable, baby!" right before giving them the finger and then leaving. Hey George Bush, go ahead and start whatever fuckin' wars you want, because I won't be fighting in them. Well, unless if I enlist, which I'll do because I love my country.

Oh, I know what you're saying. "Dude, don't make jokes about Bush starting wars. He's gonna do it now that you said that." Well, that's stupid, because it's not like President Dumbfuck wouldn't do that on his own anyway. I mean, of course he wouldn't do it on his own -- the man probably can't take a piss without Cheney holding his dick for him -- but you know what I'm talking about.

Another thing you might be saying: "You know that they're just gonna change the rules or something now, don't 'ya?" I figure that the chances of them firing up the draft are remote as it is; the chances of them extending the age range beyond 18-25 is probably even less likely. But if they did some stupid crap like that, I guess I actually wouldn't be surprised.

"You know what, you arrogant little shit? Maybe you can't get drafted, but someone you care about will be." I sat there thinking about this earlier. Who else do I know that I'm close enough to be bothered by this over? As far as my immediate and near-immediate family goes, there are my cousins, but they're all girls. I don't see them drafting any women even if they do start that nonsense up. For that reason, BOETP and ETP's sister are probably safe as well. ETP turned 26 last month. And he knows that he had a birthday, too, thanks to the heaping mound of presents I gave him. And that's about it. So yeah, what it boils down to is that I don't care. If someone wants to start some shit and a bunch of stupid kids get sent off to get killed, I don't give a fuck. Better them than me. They'll probably find some other way to get me killed (because it's them... they're the ones who are doing it), but it won't be on the front lines in a goddamn war zone.

So, how am I celebrating my newfound freedom from something that never even imprisoned me? Uh, by doing nothing, really. Maybe I'll mix in some masturbating or something, but that's really about it. Well, that won't be happening right now, because I need to go to bed since I need to get up in the morning and go to the bloody DMV, or as Dane Cook aptly refers to it, Satan's Asshole. I need to get my license renewed, and for absolutely no reason I was denied doing renewal by mail. Yes, I'm planning on getting up early, but I know it's futile. Maybe there will at least be a guy there to punch me in the face when I first walk in.

The only thing I can hope for is that there will be some hot girl there getting her license like there was the last time I was at the DMV. That was kinda nice even though it does nothing from a practical sense, but after years in engineering and generally being me, I'm all about just improving the view. And yes, I know I'm trying to knock it off with the underage girl thing, but c'mon. It's gonna take some time, and you know, 16 isn't that bad anyway. So 16 is still on the table (yeah, don't I fucking wish).

"9 SECONDS?! C'MON!!! I'VE GOTTA BE AT WORK IN THREE SECONDS!!!!!"
- If you haven't heard Dane Cook's whole spiel on the DMV, you really oughta

Do you have other big watches or just that one?

Random shit:

• You know what I just downloaded? The video for "Sledgehammer." Holy shit is that a crappy video. All videos from back then blew ass. Most videos from now blow ass, too, even though someone was obviously trying and a bunch of money was spent. Except for that Ludacris video. You don't know me like that!
• Fuck, why did it take until just now to think to go and download that video?
• EDIT: Holy shit, that video is even better with all the fucking swearing in tact! Fucking hate MTV.
• I was just reading that Midway's upcoming Blitz football game is going to include, as a playable character, none other than Ron Mexico.

Okay, that might be it for now. I've been up for 31 hours and I'm not even sure how I can type at this point.

Oh yeah, I could have not been a dick and maybe made mention of the fact that The Ides is back in action. Always good to see a quality 'blog make a return. Now if we could just get Marcellus Wallace's Bloody Gitch up and running once more, we'd totally have the band back together and, uh... Well, that's pretty much it.

Okay, maybe I was just retarded (unlikely since that never happens) or they just fixed things, but Technorati does tell me how many 'blogs link to mine with their new setup. That's pretty much the only number I care about -- aside from daily traffic numbers from pedophiles -- to see how my shitty 'blog is doing. Now if they could just knock off the addition of useless features and make their search run fast on a consistent basis, we'd be set.